| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world 21:58 - Jul 13 with 7079 views | Konk |
Visited my barber today. Lovely bloke - he cuts Joe Bryan's hair, so we always chat Fulham. My barnet hadn't been done in about seventeen weeks, and I was quite enjoying the extra length on top. Thought it softened me and made me look a bit architect/furniture designer rather than my usual non-league footballer haircut.
Potentially a bit wavy curtains, but with a slight side parting and product applied at the right time, in my head it was beginning to look fu cking great*. I was close to recreating my 1990 barnet. It just needed tidying-up round the sides and at the back. I'd had a go at trimming it with blunt nail scissors during lockdown, but it wasn't a total success. We discussed my hair aspirations, my options, and settled on a plan of action. And then he gave me the same haircut he gives me every time he cuts my hair. It's what I call a "Joe Bryan". As Joe Bryan haircuts go, he's done a nice job, but it's not what I was after.
It must be very difficult having an idiot who doesn't have the terminology, giving vague instructions that make no sense, but if I carry on as I am, I will never achieve hair nirvana. I'm in my mid-forties, would it make me a cu nt if I took a picture of some other bloke into the barbers and said, "I want that on my head. Can you make me look like I've designed an iconic armchair?" And would it make me an even bigger cu nt, if I took a thirty year old picture of me into the barbers and said, "This is me in 1990 - can you take my hair back to the future?" Is this a midlife crisis? Does Joe Bryan have the same thoughts whenever he's had his haircut?
*My wife thought it looked a bit shi t, but has promised to support my decision. |  |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 22:15 - Jul 13 with 5240 views | Boston |
Super, now who is Joe Bryan? |  |
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 22:32 - Jul 13 with 5209 views | Newhopphoops |
"How would you like your hair done today sir?"
"In silence." |  | | |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 22:49 - Jul 13 with 5169 views | Devon_4_England |
When he pulled the mirror out at the end to show you the back of your head did you nod and say ‘that’s great, thanks’ |  | | |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 23:45 - Jul 13 with 5111 views | distortR |
Our local barber is a bit of a legend.
Little Portugese fella, with his very attractive, amazonian, intimidating partner in attendance.
He tells me he'll make me look younger, and my son he'll make him look older. And he gives, everyone, but everyone, a short back and sides. It's great when someone new goes in, they'll discuss what they want, Vitor listening attentively, agreeing with the customer, and then giving them a short back and sides anyway. At which point his partner looms over you and tells you how handsome you look and that'll be £12. Part attracted, part scared, everyone meekly complies.
And goes back again in a fortnight. | | | |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 00:22 - Jul 14 with 5079 views | Jigsore |
i suffer from the same chronic lack of hair terminology. i was perfectly fine with the fringe length, it just was at the back and the sides where i was growing wings i wanted tidying. i reckon i could pull off those 90s di caprio curtains if i got the chance |  |
| “The thing about football - the important thing about football - is that it is not just about football.†|
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world (n/t) on 02:06 - Jul 14 with 5050 views | timcocking |
They bloody always ignore what i tell them.
I agonised over whether i could bring myself to bring a picture of how i wanted it, eventually did it. Was still ignored. [Post edited 14 Jul 2020 3:46]
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 06:59 - Jul 14 with 4955 views | westberksr |
well Konk; there were all the girls complaining about no haircuts and beauty treatments without realising it was us chaps going through the real troubles...
they can just put it in a ponytail or stick some curlers in; if we do that we are a fcking prick!
i left mine for the duration and finally had my samsonesque flowing locks trimmed last week. After going from what I'd describe as a civilized long crop (3 at the sides, longer on top, bit of product to get rid of the 'cut by mum' look) to what my gf described as a bouffant flop of hair (just me circa 96 with a hint of salt & pepper).
I've stuck with the bouffant flop with a tidy up around the ears and back (to prevent mullet comparisions) and am quite enjoying it. Nice that the girls in our social circle also approve; one does love a bit of milf approval in one's mid-life crisis period. Also nice that it gew back as I recall, without any thinning or excessive greying.....
now then, where's that hairspray? |  | | |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 10:37 - Jul 14 with 4868 views | Konk |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 22:49 - Jul 13 by Devon_4_England |
When he pulled the mirror out at the end to show you the back of your head did you nod and say ‘that’s great, thanks’ |
Obviously. Told him it looked grand and gave him a tip too. I am so fu cking weak. | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 10:44 - Jul 14 with 4851 views | Mick_S |
Try this mate: Can't go wrong.
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| Did I ever mention that I was in Minder? |
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 10:55 - Jul 14 with 4821 views | 2Thomas2Bowles |
I think the last time I went into a proper barber's (Grampians) was 1970//1 SBS up to that age.
Had wavy locks at different lengths ever since have a very full head of hair to this day.
Never bothered me going into a Saloon to get my hair cut by a lady, more likely to cut it how you want but no blow-dry, could not stand that. |  |
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:05 - Jul 14 with 4811 views | Konk |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 23:45 - Jul 13 by distortR |
Our local barber is a bit of a legend.
Little Portugese fella, with his very attractive, amazonian, intimidating partner in attendance.
He tells me he'll make me look younger, and my son he'll make him look older. And he gives, everyone, but everyone, a short back and sides. It's great when someone new goes in, they'll discuss what they want, Vitor listening attentively, agreeing with the customer, and then giving them a short back and sides anyway. At which point his partner looms over you and tells you how handsome you look and that'll be £12. Part attracted, part scared, everyone meekly complies.
And goes back again in a fortnight. |
My Dad used to take me and my brothers to get our hair cut at a Greek-Cypriot place. Bloke would talk very quickly with a very strong accent, whilst balancing a fag out the corner of his mouth, drinking Fanta, and running outside to check on traffic wardens every five minutes. Probably the most consistent barber in the world - every punter with the same, slightly DIY vibe short back and sides. It was quite a stressful experience. And yet there was always a queue. My Dad, funnily enough, went to a place in Muswell Hill to get his done as "they know my hair there". | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:07 - Jul 14 with 4808 views | DWQPR |
From the age of 4 went to have my haircut at the legend that was Clive the Barber opposite Greenford station. Displayed in his shop window were always a suspect selection of devices that had nothing whatsoever to do with trimming barnets. Was a customer of Clive's until my mid-forties. We watched each other go grey but I never sported the 70's porn star moustache that Clive always displayed. Went through the years of the non-descript 70's mop to the 80's wedge before going onto a flat top. Nowadays my 'distinguished' white top is cut by my wife's hairdresser, who during lockdown we still managed to see, as she worked from home which saved me from revisiting my 70's hair. | |
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:17 - Jul 14 with 4782 views | johncharles |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 06:59 - Jul 14 by westberksr |
well Konk; there were all the girls complaining about no haircuts and beauty treatments without realising it was us chaps going through the real troubles...
they can just put it in a ponytail or stick some curlers in; if we do that we are a fcking prick!
i left mine for the duration and finally had my samsonesque flowing locks trimmed last week. After going from what I'd describe as a civilized long crop (3 at the sides, longer on top, bit of product to get rid of the 'cut by mum' look) to what my gf described as a bouffant flop of hair (just me circa 96 with a hint of salt & pepper).
I've stuck with the bouffant flop with a tidy up around the ears and back (to prevent mullet comparisions) and am quite enjoying it. Nice that the girls in our social circle also approve; one does love a bit of milf approval in one's mid-life crisis period. Also nice that it gew back as I recall, without any thinning or excessive greying.....
now then, where's that hairspray? |
Nah, you lost me about halfway through |  |
| Strong and stable my arse. |
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:20 - Jul 14 with 4774 views | Konk |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 06:59 - Jul 14 by westberksr |
well Konk; there were all the girls complaining about no haircuts and beauty treatments without realising it was us chaps going through the real troubles...
they can just put it in a ponytail or stick some curlers in; if we do that we are a fcking prick!
i left mine for the duration and finally had my samsonesque flowing locks trimmed last week. After going from what I'd describe as a civilized long crop (3 at the sides, longer on top, bit of product to get rid of the 'cut by mum' look) to what my gf described as a bouffant flop of hair (just me circa 96 with a hint of salt & pepper).
I've stuck with the bouffant flop with a tidy up around the ears and back (to prevent mullet comparisions) and am quite enjoying it. Nice that the girls in our social circle also approve; one does love a bit of milf approval in one's mid-life crisis period. Also nice that it gew back as I recall, without any thinning or excessive greying.....
now then, where's that hairspray? |
Glad it's working out for you mate - you look after that bouffant and cherish every moment in its company. It does raise questions on the hair product front. I bought some mousse, but I'm not sure that was giving me the degree of hold I was looking for. Went a bit floppy curtains rather than the firmer hold I was after. Clay/putty took the waves out and made it to rigid and clumpy. I suppose the answer may well be hairspray, as you say, but my Nan used hairspray and it just seems a bit wrong. Anyway, pleased for you mate. And the Salt and pepper bits are a distinguished addition to any man's barnet. | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:21 - Jul 14 with 4769 views | johncharles |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:17 - Jul 14 by johncharles |
Nah, you lost me about halfway through |
When the hairdresser gets the mirror and shows you back I always feel like saying “so what, it’s too bloody late now innit” | |
| Strong and stable my arse. |
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:25 - Jul 14 with 4761 views | Mick_S |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:07 - Jul 14 by DWQPR |
From the age of 4 went to have my haircut at the legend that was Clive the Barber opposite Greenford station. Displayed in his shop window were always a suspect selection of devices that had nothing whatsoever to do with trimming barnets. Was a customer of Clive's until my mid-forties. We watched each other go grey but I never sported the 70's porn star moustache that Clive always displayed. Went through the years of the non-descript 70's mop to the 80's wedge before going onto a flat top. Nowadays my 'distinguished' white top is cut by my wife's hairdresser, who during lockdown we still managed to see, as she worked from home which saved me from revisiting my 70's hair. |
He almost span me out of the chair to show me "a couple of pretty Polish girls" that walked past his shop. | |
| Did I ever mention that I was in Minder? |
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:26 - Jul 14 with 4757 views | TacticalR |
You have to be careful with managing bouffants. The decline of Benoît Assou-Ekotto can be traced to his unwillingness to ruffle his bouffant. |  |
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:26 - Jul 14 with 4753 views | robith |
I was wearing my lockdown hair pretty well as I had quite long hair aged 22-26.
Went to our local hipster barbers, it's a kind of co-op vibe where the barbers own it. Chatting to the lead guy and he said most of their barbers had jacked it in cos they didn't qualify for furlough and he couldn't get them back to meet demand. Took 3 calls during my cut alone offering people trials. So a lovely older lady who'd pivoted to men's hair cos she said she was making way more than women's cos with the demand she was rattling through cuts. Had to get zapped with a temperature gun too. Decided to mix it up with a drop fade on the dies but kept the length on top. Dead chuffed with it.
I'm usually a stare ahead at my own reflection in complete silence but starved of human attention I absolutely chewed her ear off |  | | |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:29 - Jul 14 with 4737 views | Mick_S |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:05 - Jul 14 by Konk |
My Dad used to take me and my brothers to get our hair cut at a Greek-Cypriot place. Bloke would talk very quickly with a very strong accent, whilst balancing a fag out the corner of his mouth, drinking Fanta, and running outside to check on traffic wardens every five minutes. Probably the most consistent barber in the world - every punter with the same, slightly DIY vibe short back and sides. It was quite a stressful experience. And yet there was always a queue. My Dad, funnily enough, went to a place in Muswell Hill to get his done as "they know my hair there". |
Two of my Greek-Cypriot uncles were barbers; what you have described is spot on. It's the only haircut there ever was - for everyone. I had a short back and sides every day of my life until starting high school.
There is a fair chance your barber smoked Dunhill International cigarettes. | |
| Did I ever mention that I was in Minder? |
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:33 - Jul 14 with 4723 views | BrianMcCarthy |
Used to go to an ol' lad in Limerick. Mad as a bag of squirrels.
His place is called 'The Greatest Barber in the World'. Sure why wouldn't you try it?
His place is up about forty flights of rickety, spindly stairs and when you arrive the birds you hear singing turn out to be real and in cages and not cartoon birds in your head from the exhaustion of the climb. The classical music is belted out, presumably in a vain effort to drown out the parrots and budgies.
And then he appears - ancient but hyper, chattering non-stop, a whirr of motion, a twittering scissors in each hand. Your first thought is how does this man have so much energy at this altitude. Can he possibly even see the scissors. Or my ears.
He sits you down and does far too much patting and petting. He tells you he used to cycle and dance for Ireland. Dance on a bike? He's the only barber you've met with a full head of hair. But wait. What? He draws on the bald part of his head with a black marker? Sweet Jesus, I'll return to the fold if you just get me through this.
The classical music is turned up. The birds need feeding and its now cacophonous. Your ears are bleeding . Your eyes are closed for twenty minutes now....
And then it's done.
Tenner? Sure. See you in three weeks.
You descend the forty flights, buoyed by the return to oxygen, counting your ears and dabbing at the bits of blood.
You postpone on your promise to Sweet Jesus, head next door to Chalke's and order a pint off the silent barman. He looks at the blood, the sweat and the cotton wool.
He's seen it all before. |  |
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:36 - Jul 14 with 4700 views | 2Thomas2Bowles |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:29 - Jul 14 by Mick_S |
Two of my Greek-Cypriot uncles were barbers; what you have described is spot on. It's the only haircut there ever was - for everyone. I had a short back and sides every day of my life until starting high school.
There is a fair chance your barber smoked Dunhill International cigarettes. |
Time and motion
1 Dunhill = 1 haircut | |
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| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:39 - Jul 14 with 4694 views | PeterHucker |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 22:32 - Jul 13 by Newhopphoops |
"How would you like your hair done today sir?"
"In silence." |
I went to the barbers the other day. As I walked in he said "you need your haircut badly"
I said "I don't want it cut badly, I want it cut properly" |  | | |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:41 - Jul 14 with 4690 views | PeterHucker |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:39 - Jul 14 by PeterHucker |
I went to the barbers the other day. As I walked in he said "you need your haircut badly"
I said "I don't want it cut badly, I want it cut properly" |
When he was nearly finished he said "would you like me to trim it round the back?"
I said "no, in here will be fine" | | | |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:44 - Jul 14 with 4674 views | PeterHucker |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:41 - Jul 14 by PeterHucker |
When he was nearly finished he said "would you like me to trim it round the back?"
I said "no, in here will be fine" |
Then I went to the butchers.
I said "half a pound of bacon please"
He said "lean back?"
So I went...
oh wait, this one doesn't really work written down. | | | |
| Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 11:54 - Jul 14 with 4656 views | kensalriser |
Rejoice that you still have hair. That's it really.
Although given the absolute nonsense I put my younger self through attempting to maintain a series of high maintenance styles, there is something satisfyingly minimal about having to decide only whether to have a #1 or #2. I'm still talking about hair by the way. I'm not that old yet. |  |
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