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Visited my barber today. Lovely bloke - he cuts Joe Bryan's hair, so we always chat Fulham. My barnet hadn't been done in about seventeen weeks, and I was quite enjoying the extra length on top. Thought it softened me and made me look a bit architect/furniture designer rather than my usual non-league footballer haircut.
Potentially a bit wavy curtains, but with a slight side parting and product applied at the right time, in my head it was beginning to look fu cking great*. I was close to recreating my 1990 barnet. It just needed tidying-up round the sides and at the back. I'd had a go at trimming it with blunt nail scissors during lockdown, but it wasn't a total success. We discussed my hair aspirations, my options, and settled on a plan of action. And then he gave me the same haircut he gives me every time he cuts my hair. It's what I call a "Joe Bryan". As Joe Bryan haircuts go, he's done a nice job, but it's not what I was after.
It must be very difficult having an idiot who doesn't have the terminology, giving vague instructions that make no sense, but if I carry on as I am, I will never achieve hair nirvana. I'm in my mid-forties, would it make me a cu nt if I took a picture of some other bloke into the barbers and said, "I want that on my head. Can you make me look like I've designed an iconic armchair?" And would it make me an even bigger cu nt, if I took a thirty year old picture of me into the barbers and said, "This is me in 1990 - can you take my hair back to the future?" Is this a midlife crisis? Does Joe Bryan have the same thoughts whenever he's had his haircut?
*My wife thought it looked a bit shi t, but has promised to support my decision.
Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts
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Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 12:05 - Jul 14 with 1787 views
I used to get my hair cut as a kid at a Greek-Cypriot place on Old Oak Common Lane, one of my school friends had part of his ear snipped off there, much to all our admiration.
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Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 12:11 - Jul 14 with 1778 views
Try telling the hairdresser how you want your hair done when you are overseas and conversing in a foreign language. I really messed up my request for "over the ears"; I meant that my hair should cover my ears (it was the 80s) but it ended up being above the ears. A schoolboy - or rather, student - error.
Still not as bad as the do I got in Southampton when I told the hairdresser that I brush my hair back (another 80s anecdote). She took that to mean at the sides as well as at the top. I ended up looking like a puny lion.
My current hairdressers does a great job but is frequented by some very "colourful" characters and is shambolically run at the best of times - it's anyone's guess when they are going to open on a Saturday morning, it usually depends on how many pints the barbers had the night before - but my first post-lockdown cut there was a great experience. They were really well organised, with the chairs spaced out, an appointment only system, hand gel, visors for the barbers, temperature checks and obligatory provision of a contact telephone number. It was good to be back, even if the German efficiency they displayed was a bit of a shock to the system.
One issue with their new approach is that I can't see how I will be able to cycle there because I will arrive too hot to pass the temperature test.
My normal barber there is a ferocious looking, gruff Albanian who always asks if I am happy with the cut when he has finished. It's a multiple choice question to which the possible answers are: A - Yes thank you B - Yes thank you very much C - Yes thank you very much, it looks much better D - No, and to preempt the question, a woodland burial is my preference
"Things had started becoming increasingly desperate at Loftus Road but QPR have been handed a massive lifeline and the place has absolutely erupted. it's carnage. It's bedlam. It's 1-1."
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Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 12:29 - Jul 14 with 1734 views
I rise and find I’m a bit Flock of Seagulls and after I dry off from a shower, if I don’t immediately put something on it, I’ll enter the morning looking a bit Sigue Sigue Sputnik. However, gel in the form of moisturiser sees me exit the bathroom more Tony Hadley.
As the day wears on, it goes all fou-fou and can end up looking George Michael in his ‘A Different Corner’ phase. The barbers are not due to open for another two weeks, by then I’ll likely be Waddlesque.
I suspect all of the above is fanciful and in reality, I’m Doc from BTTF! Utter carnage really.
'Always In Motion' by John Honney available on amazon.co.uk
There's an ol' barber at the top of Barrack Street in Cork who greets first time customers by disappearing in the back room and hacking and coughing and 'Oh Jesus'ing for a few minutes and then appears saying "d'you mind if I rest that there" and places his false eye on the desk in front of them.
"Now, what'll it be?"
"The opposite of love, after all, is not hate, but indifference."
Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 12:29 - Jul 14 by R_from_afar
Try telling the hairdresser how you want your hair done when you are overseas and conversing in a foreign language. I really messed up my request for "over the ears"; I meant that my hair should cover my ears (it was the 80s) but it ended up being above the ears. A schoolboy - or rather, student - error.
Still not as bad as the do I got in Southampton when I told the hairdresser that I brush my hair back (another 80s anecdote). She took that to mean at the sides as well as at the top. I ended up looking like a puny lion.
My current hairdressers does a great job but is frequented by some very "colourful" characters and is shambolically run at the best of times - it's anyone's guess when they are going to open on a Saturday morning, it usually depends on how many pints the barbers had the night before - but my first post-lockdown cut there was a great experience. They were really well organised, with the chairs spaced out, an appointment only system, hand gel, visors for the barbers, temperature checks and obligatory provision of a contact telephone number. It was good to be back, even if the German efficiency they displayed was a bit of a shock to the system.
One issue with their new approach is that I can't see how I will be able to cycle there because I will arrive too hot to pass the temperature test.
My normal barber there is a ferocious looking, gruff Albanian who always asks if I am happy with the cut when he has finished. It's a multiple choice question to which the possible answers are: A - Yes thank you B - Yes thank you very much C - Yes thank you very much, it looks much better D - No, and to preempt the question, a woodland burial is my preference
There were loads of really cool looking barbers in Beirut when I went there and I thought about getting a super dench full works shave, but the only word of Arabic I could speak was thanks, presumably what I would say to them after they accidentally gave me a buzz cut
What proportion of Greek Cypriots were barbers? As a kid, my dad took me to Steve's (perhaps not his real name) in Willesden Green Station, huge stack of Men Only I never dared pick up.
Sadly, more like this these days.
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Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 15:39 - Jul 14 with 1606 views
Were all the first gen Greek Cypriots told they could work in catering or barbering, which is it going to be?
My local GC barber, very much a local lad although a Spurs supporter much to my chagrin, recently qualified as a solicitor. I haven't yet asked him why he didn't do that in the first place (he's in his 50s) but perhaps now I have the answer.
Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 15:33 - Jul 14 by MrSheen
What proportion of Greek Cypriots were barbers? As a kid, my dad took me to Steve's (perhaps not his real name) in Willesden Green Station, huge stack of Men Only I never dared pick up.
Sadly, more like this these days.
You probably had your hair cut by my uncle Andrew because that's where he worked. Bonkers!
Did I ever mention that I was in Minder?
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Disappointing hair in a post-lockdown world on 17:36 - Jul 14 with 1543 views
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