| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 818573 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 18:37 - Feb 24 with 9086 views | Boston |
The President is visiting three states today...
Unconscious, barely conscious and confused. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:53 - Feb 28 with 8820 views | hantssi |
Did you know, dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan! | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 13:42 - Feb 28 with 8739 views | Lblock |
| Corny Joke Warning on 10:53 - Feb 28 by hantssi |
Did you know, dogs can’t operate MRI machines. But catscan! |
Didn't know that
But you can get a Lab report
Only go for the catscan if you're feline sick |  |
| Cherish and enjoy life.... this ain't no dress rehearsal |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:43 - Feb 29 with 8587 views | johncharles |
| Corny Joke Warning on 13:42 - Feb 28 by Lblock |
Didn't know that
But you can get a Lab report
Only go for the catscan if you're feline sick |
Or if you’ve got the Collie wobbles |  |
| Strong and stable my arse. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:17 - Mar 1 with 8398 views | Esox_Lucius |
My nephew fell asleep during a house party so for a laugh I shaved his eye brows off and drew a cock on his forehead with a felt tip pen.
My sister went fücking mental at me when she picked him up out of the pram. [Post edited 2 Mar 17:29]
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| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 08:16 - Mar 2 with 8245 views | Esox_Lucius |
I had a call from a scammer the other day.
Me: “Hello.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”
Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”
Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s okay Sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device Sir?”
Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”
Me: “I think it’s already on.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, Sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”
Me: “I don’t see that.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”
Me: “Yes.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”
Me: “Wow, I didn’t realise it had a name.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, now press on Internet Options.”
Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet, Sir. Press the Start button again.”
Me: “Okay, it’s the same as before.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s okay Sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”
Me: “Um … I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”
Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay sir. Please press that button.”
Me: “Okay.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”
Me: “No. The door popped open.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”
Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”
NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”
Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.” | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:53 - Mar 11 with 7850 views | Esox_Lucius |
As I was walking past William Hill today I saw a notice in the door saying Open Sunday 11 to 4.
I had a tenner on it as they were open last Sunday too. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:32 - Mar 14 with 7413 views | qprphil |
For those of you who don't want Alex listening in on your conversations, they now do a male version...... it doesn't listen to anything. | | | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:29 - Mar 14 with 7273 views | Sonofpugwash |
I told my friend that my aunt is in hospital and passing the time playing draughts, ludo, mahjong etc.
"Any chess?"
"No, she's gone private." |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 09:54 - Mar 15 with 7098 views | Marshy67 |
A mate of mine has spent the last 10 years working for a sewage treatment company.
This last year he's been so bored that he's been working minimum hours and doing no overtime.
You could say that for the past 12 months he's just been going through the motions. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 16:31 - Mar 18 with 6859 views | hantssi |
Hank Marvin says he's not touring in London again as he's fed up with being offered a sandwich every time he introduces himself. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 21:18 - Mar 18 with 6725 views | Sonofpugwash |
I'm going to book an appointment with the doctor. Is one of my testicles meant to be bigger than the other two? | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 09:06 - Mar 19 with 6641 views | Esox_Lucius |
I got a text message from my wife and all it said was "I'm done! I am breaking up with you".
Yes I was shocked, thoughts were racing through my head etc. so you can imagine my relief when I got another text message from her 10 minutes later which read "Sorry wrong number". | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 18:49 - Mar 19 with 6481 views | Esox_Lucius |
I said to my new girlfriend
“What's that red mark across the bridge of your nose?"
She said “It's caused by glasses."
I said “Why don't you use contact lenses?"
She said "They don't hold enough Vodka”. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:39 - Mar 21 with 6268 views | qprphil |
I've finally found my wife's g spot. It turns out her sister had it...... | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 15:22 - Mar 22 with 6030 views | Esox_Lucius |
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."
When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.
She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day."
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him, he fell off the window ledge while he was trying to lick himself.” | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:11 - Mar 24 with 5818 views | Esox_Lucius |
Woman quizzing her husband :“if I died would you marry again?”
Husband: “yes I suppose so.”
Wife: “would you live in this house?”
Husband: “yes it’s a nice house why not?”
Wife: “would you let her sleep in our bed?”
Husband: “yes it’s a brand new bed, why not?”
Wife: “& I suppose you’d let her use my golf clubs”
Husband: “no she’s left handed.” | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:23 - Mar 25 with 5632 views | Esox_Lucius |
Just been to Tesco's with my wife out of the blue she said "you know you are a lazy Bustard"!!!
I was so shocked I almost fell out of the trolley!!! | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:18 - Mar 25 with 5573 views | loftboy |
A man goes for a prostate exam.The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of £20 notes stuffed up his bum. He pulls out the money and counts it. “You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found £1900 shoved up your posterior.” The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.” |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 21:45 - Mar 28 with 5139 views | Dorse |
My therapist told me yesterday that I am obsessed with revenge.
I'll show him. Bastard. |  |
| 'What do we want? We don't know! When do we want it? Now!' |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 18:48 - Mar 31 with 4896 views | Boston |
How do ya make Easter easier?
Change the t to an i. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:25 - Apr 1 with 4739 views | Esox_Lucius |
I just told my wife I cheated on her, she said me too, I cheated on you.
I said "April Fools Day!"
She said "Mine was March 21st. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:53 - Apr 2 with 4550 views | Sonofpugwash |
Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Garda Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Ara jaysus, I'm not sure. About 5 or 6 feet.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Middling.
Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of browny bluey green I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Colour of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my BMW
Sergeant:
What kind of BMW was it?
Husband: (sobbing)
BMW F82 M4 550bhp
Ambient Lighting pack, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, BMW drive select, BMW parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, BNW music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack, Non smoking PACK.
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)
Sergeant:
Don't worry Michael. We'll find your BMW | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:36 - Apr 2 with 4491 views | hubble |
I saw an advertisment in a store window earlier that said "TV for sale, £1.00, volume is stuck on max," and I thought, I can't turn that down. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:40 - Apr 5 with 4125 views | hantssi |
Q. Why do windmills like Iron Maiden?
A. Cos they’re big metal fans! | | | |
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