| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 875573 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:05 - Apr 21 with 9122 views | Esox_Lucius |
Crows and Ravens are quite similar birds apart from one particular fact...
Did you know that Ravens have 17 pinion feathers, while Crows only have 16?
So really, the difference between a Raven and a Crow is a matter of a pinion. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:03 - Apr 21 with 9079 views | Sonofpugwash |
I lost two fingers on my right hand and asked the doctor if I would be able to write again.
"Yes,but I wouldn't count on it." | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 00:15 - Apr 22 with 8921 views | Boston |
Politicians should be treated like nappies, change regularly and for the same reason. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:31 - Apr 22 with 8804 views | Sonofpugwash |
My mate Dave gets his kicks inflating animals with helium.
Whatever floats your goat I suppose. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 08:10 - Apr 27 with 8605 views | Esox_Lucius |
There’s nothing worse than having a Cranberries song stuck in your heeeeaaaaad, in your heeeeeeaaaaaad… | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:38 - Apr 28 with 8423 views | qprphil |
Ten priests were killed in a road accident..... At the Pearly Gates St Peter says,
" if any of you are paedophiles, then go to Hell." Nine priests start walking away, when St Peter shouts,
" And take the deaf c--t with you." | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 09:28 - Apr 29 with 8311 views | Sonofpugwash |
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus spilled its load on the M25.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, surprised, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, confounded, astonished, and numbed. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:21 - Apr 29 with 8156 views | Boston |
When I was younger and blessed with a robust constitution, I drank ever type of strong beer that was available, usually to excess.
Now I'm rounding third base, I've finally seen the...
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| Corny Joke Warning on 23:02 - Apr 29 with 8144 views | colinallcars |
I was having a pint this lunchtime with a bloke who played keyboards in an 80s synth-pop band. When I left the pub I said “ well see ya, don't synthesize anything I wouldn't synthesize” | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 17:09 - May 3 with 7978 views | Esox_Lucius |
Woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol! "Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol."
Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words:
"While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
"If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!” | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:52 - May 3 with 7842 views | Sonofpugwash |
I asked my wife what women really wanted.
She said 'attentive lovers'. Or ' a tent of lovers', or something.
I wasn't really listening. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:39 - May 4 with 7706 views | Esox_Lucius |
I went to a fortune teller last night and she warned me someone was going to con me out of some money,
I’m glad I went, it was the best £100 I’ve ever spent. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:23 - May 4 with 7616 views | NewBee |
She saw you coming.
Which brings to mind a hypnotist I know.
I've told him, there's no way he can hypnotise me, which I remind him of every week when I go round to wash his car. [Post edited 4 May 2022 19:26]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:39 - May 4 with 7601 views | Sonofpugwash |
I once won a lifetime's supply of spam but I frittered it away. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:58 - May 4 with 7542 views | NewBee |
Your spam or your life? | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 19:37 - May 5 with 7313 views | johann28 |
A Tommy Cooper one:
Went to the doctors, he said, 'well I'm sorry but I've got some bad news and some even worse news'.
'Ok' I said, 'let's do it gradually, what's the least bad news'?
He said, 'well ... You've got just 24 hours to live'.
'Jezus', I said. 'What on earth could be worse than that'?
Well he says, 'I was trying to get hold of you all day yesterday'. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 12:40 - May 6 with 7117 views | Sonofpugwash |
Very enjoyable walk with the dog this morning.Found an old gravestone at the side of the road,the guy was 114!
He was Miles from London. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:17 - May 7 with 6923 views | lightwaterhoop |
I asked a Polish guy at work to tell me a typical Polish joke.After a short while he came back with this.
If you have a German on one side of you and a Russian on the other side which one do you shoot first?
The German, because business come before pleasure! [Post edited 8 May 2022 0:02]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:54 - May 7 with 6874 views | johann28 |
Billy Connolly. Back in the days when comedians used to tell jokes.
Imagine Scottish accent.
So there's these two guys on the top of the Empire State building having a chat. And a tourist comes up and starts gazing and taking pictures, and one of the guys nudges the other, and the other guy shakes his head.
'Hey there' says the first guy to the tourist. 'It's amazing isn't it?'
'Yeah' says the tourist. 'Best view ever'.
'You know you can fly?', says the guy.
'Yeah right' says the tourist.
'No man, you really can. It's all in the mind, ye see?'
'The mind? Yeah right'
'The power of the mind' the guy continues. 'Serious now. If I chucked myself off this building, and flipped my arms like a wee bird, I'd come floating back.'
'Ha' says the tourist. Power of the mind and the flip!! Ok, big boy, show me!'
Ok then, says the guy. 'Get a load of this'.
He chucks himself off .... and as they're gazing with horror, he does the flip, and he floats back to safety.
'Oh my fkg God!!!!!!' says the tourist. That's just the most most amazing fkg thing ive ever seen!!!!'
Aye 'I told you didn't I, eh? The power of the mind, and the flip. You have a go'.
'Not a chance mate'
'Practice it. Just concentrate and start flipping. There ye go. Ye can do it man, anyone can'
'Show me again'. Says the tourist.
The guy raises his eyebrows, and does it again.
'Holy fkg fk!!!!' says the tourist. 'It's fkg incredible'.
'Practise it. Just do the flip. Concentrate. I'll take some pictures, you can tell your friends. You'll be famous'.
'Ok'.
Gulp. Power of the mind, and the flip. Tourist gets ready. Can't do it.
'Ill give you a shove'
'Noooo ...'
Tourist sinks through the air. Concentrates. Starts flipping. And flipping. Oh no.
SPLAT on the pavement.
Second guy says to the first guy, 'You know, for a fkg angel you can be a real bastard sometimes'. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 08:18 - May 14 with 6509 views | Esox_Lucius |
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[Post edited 14 May 2022 12:44]
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| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:49 - May 14 with 6453 views | Sonofpugwash |
Just had a delivery guy round who asked me what the time was.
So I said "anytime between 8.30 and 5.30". | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 12:45 - May 14 with 6397 views | Esox_Lucius |
I applied for a position where I would have to explain comedians's jokes to people.
I didn't get it. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:24 - May 16 with 9451 views | Esox_Lucius |
I understand Aliens have not visited Earth yet as Tripadvisor has only given us one star… | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:38 - May 16 with 9436 views | Sonofpugwash |
A date seems to be going well. She said; "Excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable."
Are two days long enough to wait?
Asking for a friend. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:09 - May 16 with 9282 views | johann28 |
I've just invented the world's first telepathically controlled air freshener.
It makes scents when you think about it. | | | |
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