| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 811318 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:27 - Feb 2 with 7665 views | Esox_Lucius |
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to make him move, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony." |  |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 12:56 - Feb 3 with 7544 views | Esox_Lucius |
I’ve been recognised for my services to Turkish restaurants.
I was awarded the highest donner. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:46 - Feb 3 with 7530 views | Myke |
| Corny Joke Warning on 21:34 - Jan 31 by Dorse |
A lady goes to the doctor for a physical and all seems normal until the breast exam. Her left one is normal in all respects, however, the right one is almost down to her waist. The doctor asks her what has happened. She replies:
'Well, it's like this. When my husband and I are intimate, he tends to favour the right one over the left.'
'Madam', says the doctor, 'we all have our favourites'.
'Ah', says she, 'but we don't all have bunk beds'. |
Woman went to the doctor for a check-up complaining of breathlessness. After examining her the doctor said 'I'm afraid the problem is you are very overweight'
'How dare you!' she exclaimed, 'I demand a second opinion!'
'Fine' said the doc, 'you are very ugly too.' | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 16:27 - Feb 5 with 7405 views | HantsR |
I have to admit, I stood stark naked in front of the mirror today and thought to myself, you're not too bad for someone your age! Trouble is I'm now banned from all IKEA stores  |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 16:40 - Feb 5 with 7394 views | Myke |
| Corny Joke Warning on 16:27 - Feb 5 by HantsR |
I have to admit, I stood stark naked in front of the mirror today and thought to myself, you're not too bad for someone your age! Trouble is I'm now banned from all IKEA stores |
This joke reminds of a story a mate told me. He said he found out two important things about himself within a matter of minutes. The first one was that his penis was exactly the same length as an Argos pencil and the second was that he was banned from all Argos outlets for life | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 15:23 - Feb 8 with 7228 views | qprphil |
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his Limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the roadside. Disturbed he ordered the driver to stop, and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, " why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food, " he replied. " We have to eat grass."
" Well then, you can come to my house and we'll feed you,." the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me, there eating grass under that tree over there. " Bring them along, " the lawyer replied.
Turning to the second man he said, you can come along to." But sir I have a wife and six children with me." " Bring them along too, " said the lawyer.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task even for a car as large as a Limousine.
Once under way one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, " sir you are too kind, thanks for taking us all with you."
The lawyer replied, " glad to do it. You will really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high!!!" | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 10:32 - Feb 9 with 7090 views | johann28 |
Guy at the races, not having a good day.
Gazes at the card, searching for inspiration.
A mystery voice whispers in his ear.
' Blue Note.'
Startled, the guy looks around, but there's clearly no-one there. He looks at the card to find Blue Note, and there it is 3-1.
Well, he figures, nothing to lose after the day he's had, shoves £100 on it.
Comes in first.
Next race , same thing. Mystery voice whispers 'Wrecking Crew'. This one is 10-1. Hesitantly, he puts all the winnings on it.
Comes in first.
Last race, very excited now, waits for the ghostly whisper, and, sure enough, there it is again. 'Lucky Dan'. This one is 50-1. But trusting in the supernatural guidance, puts the lot on it. Comes in last.
'Fuuuuck' whispers the voice. |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 10:57 - Feb 9 with 7066 views | Esox_Lucius |
A priest, a Baptist minister, and a rabbit walk into the Red Cross to donate blood.
The nurse asks the rabbit "what's your blood type?"
The rabbit says "I'm probably a Type O". | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:37 - Feb 10 with 6938 views | johann28 |
So Paddy, 16, is in for his monthly confession with Father McPherson, who has a bit of reputation for being really grumpy.
Fr Mc: so ..... Paddy, let me guess - it's fornication again isn't it?
Paddy: yes, I'm afraid so Father, I'm really sorry
Fr Mc: (sighing) for fk's sake Paddy can't you keep in your pants for two fkg minutes?
Paddy: I'm so so sorry father
Fr Mc: (angry) You're always fkg sorry, fornication last month, the month before, and the month before that, what's the matter with ya?
Paddy: I don't know Father
Fr Mc: I know what's wrong with ya, you've got the fkg devil in ya you lustful fornicating bastard. Who the fk was it?
Paddy: Oh I couldn't say, Father
Fr Mc: Mmmm ... let me guess - I bet it was Eileen wasn't it? Eileen O'Connor!
Paddy: No no no father, it wasn't Eileen, she'd never do such a thing.
Fr Mc: Don't you believe it! Looks really sweet but she's got an eye for a bit of willy alright. Vile. Mmm - was it Kathy McBride? Kathy McBride!!!
Paddy: No no no father, poor ol' Kathy, she's so devout.
Fr Mc: Don't you believe it, I've heard what she gets up to when no-one's looking. One minute she's saying the rosary, the next it's getting her tits out. Disgusting. Mmmm - I 've got it!! It's Mary O'Flynn, isn't it, Mary O'Flynn, you know, Bridie's sister!
Paddy (shocked): No no no Father, little Mary? She's only 14 father, she's so innocent - hardly knows the facts of life.
Fr Mc: Pah! Innocent my arse!! Her knickers have been up and down more than times then you've been to the sweet shop. Ahhh well, fk it, fkg town of fornicators - say 3 hail Marys and fk off!!!!!
So, Paddy, rather shaken, leaves the church, and his mate Bryan's coming in. Bryan says to Paddy, 'how did you get on with Father McPherson'
'Not bad', says Paddy, 'Three Hail Marys ..... and three very, very good leads'. [Post edited 16 Feb 2021 14:55]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:54 - Feb 10 with 6902 views | Esox_Lucius |
When researching my family tree, I discovered that my ancestors were actually from Transylvania. Now I can't even look at myself in the mirror. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:54 - Feb 10 with 6847 views | B_Wad |
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the living s - - t out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.' |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 15:34 - Feb 11 with 6691 views | Myke |
The judge was becoming increasingly irritated with the youth in the dock constantly chewing gum. Finally,in exasperation, he leaned over to the court clerk and said, 'Tell that young man to stop masticating'
The clerk immediately went over to the defendant and said 'Take your hands out of your pockets' | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 09:40 - Feb 12 with 6553 views | Esox_Lucius |
I saw a self deprecation group on Facebook... I put myself down for it. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 21:47 - Feb 12 with 6465 views | Myke |
| Corny Joke Warning on 09:40 - Feb 12 by Esox_Lucius |
I saw a self deprecation group on Facebook... I put myself down for it. |
A puppet company were looking for volunteers, so I put my hand up | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 23:28 - Feb 12 with 6408 views | Boston |
| Corny Joke Warning on 21:47 - Feb 12 by Myke |
A puppet company were looking for volunteers, so I put my hand up |
Bloody lucky they weren't marionettes. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:31 - Feb 13 with 6305 views | Esox_Lucius |
I got chatting to a Dalek in the pub today who claimed he was from Devon.
"Whereabouts in Devon are you from?" I asked.
"Exeter Mate". | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:04 - Feb 15 with 6138 views | Myke |
I was on a packed lift when some guy farted. It was just wrong on so many levels | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 21:25 - Feb 15 with 6053 views | Dorse |
A bloke calls up his boss and says:
'I can't come in today. I'm sick'.
'How sick are you?' says his boss.
'Well, I have just snogged my sister, so..' |  |
| 'What do we want? We don't know! When do we want it? Now!' |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:06 - Feb 15 with 6018 views | Boston |
Daddy, Daddy, why are those cars beeping their horns?
It's a wedding, son
But Daddy, you use the horn as a warning
Exactly, son. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:42 - Feb 15 with 5984 views | acricketer |
| Corny Joke Warning on 22:06 - Feb 15 by Boston |
Daddy, Daddy, why are those cars beeping their horns?
It's a wedding, son
But Daddy, you use the horn as a warning
Exactly, son. |
I used to have attention defici | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 22:46 - Feb 15 with 5970 views | horshamHoop |
My wife just asked me if I had seen the dog bowl
I said no, I didn't know he could | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 15:05 - Feb 16 with 5821 views | johann28 |
| Corny Joke Warning on 15:34 - Feb 11 by Myke |
The judge was becoming increasingly irritated with the youth in the dock constantly chewing gum. Finally,in exasperation, he leaned over to the court clerk and said, 'Tell that young man to stop masticating'
The clerk immediately went over to the defendant and said 'Take your hands out of your pockets' |
Defendant: Yes, I was drunk as a judge your honour.
Judge: Drunk as a judge? Don't you mean as drunk as a lord?
Defendant: Yes m'lord. [Post edited 16 Feb 2021 15:08]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:34 - Feb 16 with 5778 views | Boston |
Scientist's have recently confirmed that there is a type of food which reduces sexual appetite by 90%.
Wedding Cake. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:02 - Feb 17 with 5652 views | Dorse |
Went into B&Q the other day and one of the staff asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got in the first punch. | |
| 'What do we want? We don't know! When do we want it? Now!' |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:27 - Feb 20 with 5500 views | digswellhoop |
If I was a super hero I'd be aluminium man so I could foil all the crimes | | | |
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