| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 855991 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:48 - May 19 with 8750 views | Sonofpugwash |
Missus says to me "You know I'm getting calluses and blisters using this damn broom so much."
So I reply "well you should use the car more often" |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:14 - May 20 with 8593 views | Sonofpugwash |
The Adam Ant diet advice is going quite well.
"Don't chew ever,don't chew ever...." | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:04 - May 20 with 8527 views | Boston |
Just what were the lion and the witch doing in the wardrobe?
Narnia business. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:30 - May 20 with 8493 views | Esox_Lucius |
My wife had a real fright when she went for a bath before going to bed last night. As she lay back and shut her eyes she felt a tap on her shoulder. |  |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 18:30 - May 20 with 8390 views | Myke |
I decided to give up my job as a treadmill tester at my local gym. I just felt my career wasn't going anywhere | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 12:48 - May 22 with 8204 views | Sonofpugwash |
Went to the petrol station this morning to fill up the motor,came over all weak and sweaty,heart pounding,tight chest....
I think I'm coming down with Car Owner Virus. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:44 - May 23 with 8021 views | Sonofpugwash |
Mate of mine just phoned in a bit of a panic,thinks he may be suffering from achimptomatic Monkeypox. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:39 - May 23 with 7945 views | Sonofpugwash |
Bad fire at our local zoo yesterday,the monkey house and the bird house affected.
Zookeepers seen pondering what to do with the bodies..
"I know" says one"let's just chuck them into the lions' enclosure."
One of the lions on viewing the cadavers turns to his mate and says "Oh no.Not finch and chimps again" | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:09 - May 25 with 7801 views | johann28 |
Just came second in a Scottish anagram contest. Gutted.
But no use crying over limp kilts. |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 17:22 - Jun 7 with 7357 views | qprphil |
When I was younger I appeared in a few bondage films, I was strapped for cash. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 11:07 - Jun 9 with 7072 views | Esox_Lucius |
A 3 year old asked me "Where does poo come from?" I thought I would keep it simple, "You've just eaten your breakfast?"
"Yes" she replied.
"Well from your mouth it goes down into your tummy, where your tummy keeps all the good stuff that is in the food and sends the rest to your bottom. Then when you go to the toilet it comes out as poo".
She looked up at me all confused and said "Well where does Tigger come from?" [Post edited 9 Jun 2022 12:09]
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| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 12:10 - Jun 9 with 7001 views | Esox_Lucius |
I bought one of those Smart light switches for the house; I couldn't fathom out how to get it to work so I took it back and exchanged it for a Dimmer switch. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 12:29 - Jun 9 with 6981 views | Sonofpugwash |
Neutrinos apparently have mass.
Didn't even know they were Catholic. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:54 - Jun 9 with 6899 views | Esox_Lucius |
A sheepdog runs up to his shepherd and says "That's it! I have got all 40 sheep back in the pen"
The shepherd says "Hang on, I only have 37 sheep"
The sheepdog says "I rounded them up". | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:21 - Jun 12 with 6648 views | Sonofpugwash |
Went to the doctor's with a suspicious looking mole.
Doc says they all look like that now go and take it back to your garden. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:15 - Jun 12 with 6520 views | Esox_Lucius |
I found a penguin wandering along the road near me. I took it to the local vet where they recommended that I take it to the zoo. It was really nice there and we are on our way to the cinema next. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:53 - Jun 12 with 6482 views | Boston |
Pirate, concerned about some strange growths on his body, pops down to see Dr Sawbones
"Your fine", says the doc, "they're benign"
"Could you count again", replies the pirate, "I think there be ten". | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:59 - Jun 12 with 6476 views | Boston |
Feeling poorly, I went to see my doctor.
I couldn't believe my ears when he said I only had six months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me thirty years. Problem sorted. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:02 - Jun 15 with 6162 views | Esox_Lucius |
Never sponsor someone to do a marathon for charity. The last one I sponsored took my money and ran. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:36 - Jun 15 with 6131 views | Sonofpugwash |
Customs officers have destroyed 1,000 kg of illegally imported Chinese dumplings.
A spokesman said it was wonton destruction. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 08:25 - Jun 18 with 5900 views | Esox_Lucius |
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."
When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.
She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day."
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him, he fell off the window ledge while he was licking himself.” | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 21:51 - Jun 22 with 5569 views | Esox_Lucius |
I went to Kensington Palace to give Prince William a haircut for his birthday.
I said to the policeman, “Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?”
The policeman said “You got a permit?”
I said “No, just a bit off the back!”. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:10 - Jun 23 with 8872 views | Esox_Lucius |
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing 1000 Quid bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers; they all tried and
lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said
"I'd like to take on the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay"; grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man.
But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....
six drops fell into the glass.
As the barman paid the 1000 Quid bet, he asked "What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker,
a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little man quietly replied:
"I’m a Tax man” | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 18:05 - Jun 26 with 8524 views | Esox_Lucius |
| Corny Joke Warning on 17:10 - Jun 23 by Esox_Lucius |
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing 1000 Quid bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers; they all tried and
lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said
"I'd like to take on the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay"; grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man.
But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....
six drops fell into the glass.
As the barman paid the 1000 Quid bet, he asked "What do you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker,
a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little man quietly replied:
"I’m a Tax man” |
I was walking past a field and saw a man wearing a smock, holding a crook and not an animal in sight. I had to ask, "Hey, what job are you doing?"
"I'm a spy" he replied.
"So why the outfit then?"
"I'm a shepherds spy" | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 01:19 - Jun 27 with 8354 views | Boston |
Oh my god, did you see the explosion at the cheese factory in France?
Nothing left but debris. | |
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