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You Are FIFA 19:18 - Sep 4 with 10295 viewsBrianMcCarthy

You can introduce one Law.

I mentioned Sinclair Armstrong's ridiculously long goal celebrations just now on the Player and Goal of the Month fred.

So, I'll start with that.

Law 18 - In the event of a goal being scored, and in the event of any ensuing goal celebration, the Match Referee shall have total discretion as to which goalscorer is taking the piss and/or is acting the maggot and/or is acting like some gom off a computer game and (s)he shall have the discretion and the power to disallow the goal and/or show a yellow card and/or (if the player is Sinclair Armstrong, Tallaghfornia, South Dublin and it's a night game and there are kids that need to get home to bed before it's time to get up) show a red card and/or slap the goal celebrant(s) with a large haddock.


"The opposite of love, after all, is not hate, but indifference."
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You Are FIFA on 22:15 - Sep 4 with 1775 viewsDorse

All haircuts should be approved by Hesquith Fortesque-Smyth, 1924 All-Empire Short Back & Side Champion. Styles deemed too flouncy or looking uncannily like a loaf of bread, for some reason, will incur a verbal warning and subsequent yellow card if it it not sorted out for the second half.



'Get it sorted, son'.

'What do we want? We don't know! When do we want it? Now!'

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You Are FIFA on 22:44 - Sep 4 with 1713 viewsGaryHaddock

Trial by combat instead of VAR.

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/jan/14/man-requests-sword-fight-ex-wife
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You Are FIFA on 22:59 - Sep 4 with 1691 viewsGus_iom

Any player who falls to the ground holding his face when there has been no contact to the aforementioned face shall play the rest of the game in a big girls blouse.
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You Are FIFA on 00:10 - Sep 5 with 1618 viewsHooping_Mad

Play to earn on hair and tattoo's

Every player starts clean cut with a short back and sides and can then 'unlock' new styles and natty tats as they earn points for being good at football.

This would prevent your 5ish goal a season centre forward reporting for preseason with more ink than a squid and corn rows. When he'd only in fact unlocked the sh1t mullet and the letter L.

Chairman of the Junior Hoilett appreciation society
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You Are FIFA on 00:57 - Sep 5 with 1573 viewsTomS

You Are FIFA on 22:09 - Sep 4 by BlackCrowe

As in rugby, you complain about a decision you go back 10 yards.


In a similar vein, I'd align the respect for the referee rules for football to those in rugby. There is no chat back to the ref, nor teams surrounding a ref to intimidate him. Only the captain can speak to the ref. Any deviation from this straightforward rule earns you an automatic yellow card.
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You Are FIFA on 01:16 - Sep 5 with 1563 viewsCLAREMAN1995

Stop the clock at every injury then add 5 minutes to the end of both halves to cover subs goal celebrations etc .
When a goal is scored the celebrating team has 1 minute to get back onside so we can kick off right away .
Player dives in the penalty area or grabs his face and rolls around like a sniper took him out from the seats gets automatic yellow and 10 minutes in the sin bin .
Group of players sourround the ref aggresivly find the Captain and book him straight away then book the agressive players also .They will get the message pretty quickly once the Captain throws fcuks into them
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You Are FIFA on 07:07 - Sep 5 with 1441 viewsessextaxiboy

You Are FIFA on 20:23 - Sep 4 by Juzzie

Oh, hang on…. the thread title is “You are FIFA”……

In that case it’s ‘award’ Euro, Concacaf, World Cup etc tournaments to whoever can provide the most stuffed full envelope, play said tournament in completely obscure months of the year, ‘award’ sponsorship to the worst companies possible who will also be able to provide further more stuffed envelopes, change the game rules in ever more absurd manners staring with 4 quarters of 25 minutes, ban pesky small clubs in national leagues….. they just get in the way with their pesky moaning about wanting fair play and trickle-down payments, as if. Put all sorts of well meaning rules in place that look like it’s for the good of the game but utterly ignore everything when those rules are broken. And so on……


‘award’ sponsorship to the worst companies possible who will also be able to provide further more stuffed envelopes.'

Sorry mate , cant let that go . I have 2 boys at FIFA commercial , they work their bollox off and are straight as they come . They both hold ST in F Block . despite my youngest living in Zurich.
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You Are FIFA on 07:22 - Sep 5 with 1428 viewsTonto

You Are FIFA on 07:07 - Sep 5 by essextaxiboy

‘award’ sponsorship to the worst companies possible who will also be able to provide further more stuffed envelopes.'

Sorry mate , cant let that go . I have 2 boys at FIFA commercial , they work their bollox off and are straight as they come . They both hold ST in F Block . despite my youngest living in Zurich.


Penalty kicks are taken when the attacking player is ready, not when the goalkeeper is ready.

(But the best ine remains the 10 seconds to take the goalkick)

Why stop now, just when I'm hating it
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You Are FIFA on 07:33 - Sep 5 with 1410 viewsWokingR

The length of time a player lies down injured or requires treatment is then the length of time he is required to wait on the side line before returning to the pitch.
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You Are FIFA on 07:36 - Sep 5 with 1410 viewsJuzzie

You Are FIFA on 07:07 - Sep 5 by essextaxiboy

‘award’ sponsorship to the worst companies possible who will also be able to provide further more stuffed envelopes.'

Sorry mate , cant let that go . I have 2 boys at FIFA commercial , they work their bollox off and are straight as they come . They both hold ST in F Block . despite my youngest living in Zurich.


I was clearly taking a swipe at Sepp Blatter.

Sounds like they have good jobs.
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You Are FIFA on 07:44 - Sep 5 with 1403 viewsHamptonR

You Are FIFA on 21:35 - Sep 4 by DWQPR

Reintroduce the rule that goal kicks must be taken from the side of the six yard box from where the ball went out.


Why that was ditched in the first place is beyond me.
It just gives the goalie license to waste time.
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You Are FIFA on 07:56 - Sep 5 with 1380 viewsstevec

If a goal is scored against us, a maximum of 30 seconds shall be allowed and permitted only to polite handshakes, before game recommences irrespective of whether the opposition are back in their half.

If a goal is scored by us, a prolonged round of pigbag and exuberant celebration should be allowed, cheers for the announced goal scorer followed by another round of pigbag and when all supporters are back in their seats and players back in there set positions (and confirmed by Gavin Ward) then, and only then, should the game recommence.
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You Are FIFA on 09:19 - Sep 5 with 1307 viewsThaiHoop

Allow physios on the pitch while game is in play (I believe they do this in rugby?). Only stop the game if the injury is serious enough for the player not to carry on......and once this is done the player is not allowed back on the field.

See how many players lie on the floor milking imaginary ailments then!
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You Are FIFA on 09:25 - Sep 5 with 1300 viewsThird_Division_South

No offside from free kicks
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You Are FIFA on 09:27 - Sep 5 with 1294 viewsCamberleyR

You Are FIFA on 20:15 - Sep 4 by Juzzie

Hairbands, snoods and holes in socks is a 1 goal head start to the opposition per offence.


Also socks pulled up over the knee, a practice started by captain, racist, bellend if I'm not mistaken.

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You Are FIFA on 09:33 - Sep 5 with 1279 viewsGaryHaddock

You Are FIFA on 09:19 - Sep 5 by ThaiHoop

Allow physios on the pitch while game is in play (I believe they do this in rugby?). Only stop the game if the injury is serious enough for the player not to carry on......and once this is done the player is not allowed back on the field.

See how many players lie on the floor milking imaginary ailments then!


Genuinely, this is one hell of a shout.

Where is the downside?
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You Are FIFA on 10:24 - Sep 5 with 1177 viewsQPunkR

You Are FIFA on 07:07 - Sep 5 by essextaxiboy

‘award’ sponsorship to the worst companies possible who will also be able to provide further more stuffed envelopes.'

Sorry mate , cant let that go . I have 2 boys at FIFA commercial , they work their bollox off and are straight as they come . They both hold ST in F Block . despite my youngest living in Zurich.


Yeah but it’s not their decision, is it? It’s all a one-man Infantino shaped show

Shit but local

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You Are FIFA on 10:44 - Sep 5 with 1140 viewsSuperhoop83

You Are FIFA on 22:59 - Sep 4 by Gus_iom

Any player who falls to the ground holding his face when there has been no contact to the aforementioned face shall play the rest of the game in a big girls blouse.


The game should be stopped first so that the incident is shown on the big screen(s).

Suffering since 1978.

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You Are FIFA on 10:45 - Sep 5 with 1135 viewsdaveB

If I am in charge of Fifa I scrap VAR first thing in morning before having a big lunch on expenses
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You Are FIFA on 10:46 - Sep 5 with 1132 viewsAntti_Heinola

You Are FIFA on 22:09 - Sep 4 by BlackCrowe

As in rugby, you complain about a decision you go back 10 yards.


they tried that.
it was rubbish.

Bare bones.

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You Are FIFA on 10:59 - Sep 5 with 1102 viewsed_83

Ball goes out of play, clock stops. Ball comes back in play, clock starts again. Matches are reduced to 40 minutes per half to adjust for this.
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You Are FIFA on 12:11 - Sep 5 with 1004 viewsQPunkR

You Are FIFA on 10:45 - Sep 5 by daveB

If I am in charge of Fifa I scrap VAR first thing in morning before having a big lunch on expenses


Precisely what I’d do as well. Continue with both the goal line and semi automated offside technologies and leave it at that. Fkuc VAR off directly into the deepest ocean

Shit but local

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You Are FIFA on 12:28 - Sep 5 with 975 viewsKonk

Mic the refs up so everyone in the ground and watching at home can hear players and coaches shouting "Fu ck-off!" at the officials. Refs would be compelled to send players and managers off, managers would go mental, and sponsors would be seriously unhappy. Some players might even feel shame at the idea that their kids and Nan have heard them abusing the officials. Would probably sort the problem out in 2-3 weeks. Every episode of 'Welcome to Wrexham' sees me hoping that some fourth official smacks Phil Parkinson really hard in the mouth - unbelievable that officials put up with that.

Enforce stoppage time rules.

The first time a keeper wastes time, warn them, and the second time they do it, book them. Even if it's in the 10th minute. Booking a keeper for time-wasting in the 93rd minute is utterly pointless.

"Professional fouls" and "taking one for the team" do my head in, so to stop cynical rotating of fouls amongst players to avoid bookings, every five free-kicks you concede, you lose one of your substitutions.

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You Are FIFA on 13:32 - Sep 5 with 880 viewsSpen

Any free kick, the player taking doesn’t have to pass to a teammate in order to restart play, they can dribble ball or take several touches if they wish. That will quicken the restart and play in general. I think they introduced this in hockey a few years back???
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You Are FIFA on 13:42 - Sep 5 with 857 viewsrobith

I'd bring in rugby style HIAs for head injuries. One, it might stop everyone faking them if you have to go off for ten minutes to be assessed for concussion. Second, when I watch rugby then footers it actually makes me wince that we are apparently seeing non stop head injuries and everyone's allowed to trot back on cos the playacting is so rampant we no longer believe there's any head trauma in the sport?
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