QPR, already relegated, with dirty laundry airing in all the newspapers, face crisis club Newcastle at Loftus Road on Saturday with Chris Ramsey insisting he'll pick a "strong" side.
QPR manager Chris Ramsey says, despite now having nothing to play for, he must continue to select his "strongest possible team" for the final two matches of the season to "protect the integrity of the Premier League".
The integrity of the Premier League.
Right.
Ok.
I've actually been walking around muttering that to myself since he said it on Thursday. In the Waitrose Whetstone, where the yummy mummys delay me paying for my lager by sending the till boy to check whether the quinoa is organic or not, I've stood and repeated it under my breath. I've chuntered it as I walk past the many bars of London with their big posters begging people to come and buy £5 pints and watch one of four matches televised this weekend that have no bearing on anything whatsoever to justify their extortionate Sky subscription. I've whispered it at the water cooler in my office, where the resident Burnley fan and I often stand silently like two bereaved grandchildren, waiting to enter the coroner's court to hear the gory details of how our elderly relative died watching Countdown and lay undiscovered for six months in an armchair. All the while shaking my head.
The integrity of the Premier League. What a concept.
To the casual passer by I probably look a little unwell, best avoided at the time but a face worth remembering for the future Crimewatch appeal for information after my inevitable murderous rampage. But let's get this right - there are people kept behind reinforced glass in the isolation wings of maximum security prisons in this country with more integrity than the Premier League.
Let's ignore, for a second, the fact that it would take a forensic scientist of the highest calibre months of painstaking, fingertip searches and midnight-oil burning analysis to determine what is and isn't a "weakened team" selected from this squad of feckless millionaires QPR have inflicted on themselves. Queens Park Rangers have used 31 different players this season — in a league that forces you to name a 25 man squad — and the variety of personnel and the different formations used has failed to address the single biggest problem which is that QPR are crap. Absolute crap.
It would take some bloody front to look at QPR now selecting, say, Alex McCarthy ahead of Rob Green, or Darnell Furlong ahead of Mauricio Isla, and say "sorry squire you're picking a weakened team there." How much weaker can it get?
Let's instead focus on what Chris Ramsey means by the "integrity of the Premier League". What he means is several teams are now battling to avoid coming with us on the Tuesday night jaunts to Swindon Town next season: Newcastle, who we play this week; Leicester, who we play next; Sunderland and Hull. It wouldn't be fair to Hull if we were to stick out the under 16s and lose both games 10-0. Or so the argument goes.
You could say if you've won only eight games out of 36, and just lost at home to already-relegated Burnley, you're not getting relegated because QPR played an alleged weakened team against your rivals in the final two matches - you're going down because you're crap as well - but let's stick to this theme. The integrity of the Premier League. Integrity and Premier League, like the Gary Glitter Playgroup and Childminding Service, words that simply have no business being in the same sentence together.
What Chris Ramsey is saying, first and foremost, is that QPR must try their best against Newcastle United on Saturday. Newcastle United, a club now reduced to an advertising hoarding for Mike Ashley's emporium of cheap shit trainers and zero hours contracts, and pay day loans in a part of the country hit particularly hard by a double dip recession. A club that exists to finish fourth bottom each year, exit both cups at the first round, coin in the Premier League TV money and record a profit for its overweight, London-based, contemptible owner. A shell of a football club. A sham. Barely a football club at all any more.
And QPR must do that because otherwise it would be unfair on Hull City. A club that could soon be called Hull Tigers, if its Egyptian owner gets his way. Firstly because Hull Tigers is, quote, "shorter", and secondly because changing the name would wake up the millions of latent Hull City fans in Asia simply dying to support the club and buy the replica shirts and fly into Humberside Airport for the matches if only it was named after a fucking exotic animal.
An Egyptian owner who has tried to buy the stadium - a community asset built for the people of Hull with the revenue from the sales of its private telecoms company by the city council more than a decade ago - for a nominal fee and build a big profit-making retail park and sports village on the land next to it out of the goodness of his heart. An owner who, having been refused that demand, has bullied the rugby league club which shares the stadium: refusing to let them sell tickets at the turnstile; charging their fans more than City fans for beer on matchdays, threatening to close parts of the ground for their matches; removing all the memorabilia from the stadium — including the Johnny Whitely pictures from the Johnny Whitely suite, which were replaced with headshots of Steve Bruce — unless a five-figure rent is paid for the wall space each season; relaying the pitch in the middle of their season so they had to play away from home for two months; charging them extortionate amounts to stage friendlies on their home pitch so Richard Whiting had to hold his testimonial for ten years of loyal service at Featherstone Rovers’ ground; staging a squash tournament on the pitch that left one end of the field completely bare of any grass at all for Hull FC's next game and so on.
An owner who, against the terms of use, without planning permission, without warning, and illegally recently turned up and laid a 3G pitch inside the nearby Airco Arena so Hull City's youth team had somewhere indoor to train, leaving dozens of community clubs and disabled sports teams homeless, unable to use a facility that was built specifically for them. An owner who, when called out on his ongoing deplorable actions by a supporter's group called "City Till We Die" told them they could "die whenever you like".
Hull, whose midfielder Jake Livermore turned up to a crucial relegation battle against Crystal Palace last month with cocaine in his system.
This, QPR who have become known as an elephant graveyard for football's ageing mercenaries seeking big final pay days. QPR who, once again, would have been better off setting fire to the money they're got from the Premier League this season than spend it as they did. The signings were better this time than two years ago, but they're coming into a broken club with no ethos, no facilities, no standards, no kind of protocol on how to behave and no idea where it's going. And so, as before, we're now hearing tales of players storming away from the team hotel after missing out on selection, refusing to come on as a substitute at Crystal Palace because it's late and we're already 3-1 down, showing poor attitude to fitness and training and so on. Nothing in house, all of it on the Twitter or in the newspapers. Zero discipline, zero collective responsibility, all poor behaviour and ego and finger pointing. Joey Barton, the people’s champion, front and centre, as always. QPR will continue to sign players who look good on paper, and do well elsewhere, and have them fail on their time until this is addressed.
You know what? I'm thinking the integrity of the Premier League can probably cope with QPR giving a couple of kids some first team football this week. I mean, the rules forced through by this league of integrity, allowing any Premier League club with a Category A academy to poach kids from clubs lower down the chain whenever they like, mean that young English lads actually getting anywhere other than their perfectly manicured academy pitch and making it into a Premier League match is so unlikely it might actually restore a bit of faith to see the little loves. Rules, incidentally, the victims had to approve or face their pitiful funding from the Premier League being axed as punishment.
Last weekend QPR put out the strongest team available to them and preserved the integrity of the Premier League by losing 6-0 at Manchester City. Would it really be so much worse dropping the senior pros who aren't going to be here next season, and playing some people who might?
With five minutes left at Eastlands, QPR sent on Shaun Wright-Phillips, now into a fourth year of a colossal contract which the club gleefully handed him and have received nothing in return. Nothing. One goal at Chelsea which he refused to celebrate. It's QPR's fault, nobody put them over a barrel. Wright-Phillips is perfectly within his rights to turn up, train, refuse all loan deals, play appallingly on the very seldom occasions he's picked, and go home. But there's no obligation on the club to bring Shaun Wright-Phillips off the bench at Manchester City, where he's a modern day legend, and give the home fans a chance to stand as one and acclaim their hero - give Wright-Phillips a chance to feel loved, and welcomed, and appreciated. I mean for goodness sake, is rolling over 6-0 not enough we have to make a substitution for them as well? QPR, a footballing gimp. At full time, Wright-Phillips left the field laughing with the Manchester City players.
What reward for the few, loyal, hardy, wonderful supporters who went all the way up there last weekend, for that performance, and that result, and that consequence, on a Sunday lunch time - seeing Shaun Wright-Phillips get a standing ovation. Why not shit in their sandwiches for the way home as well while you're at it? Chris Ramsey says Shaun Wright-Phillips always looks good in training. He bloody would do - it's only the other QPR players he has to play against there.
What about the fucking integrity of Queens Park Rangers? Is it not about time somebody had a bit of a think about that? Before we give Shaun Wright-Phillips his big send off, or send that Tweet, or leak that story to the Mirror, or refuse to come on at Crystal Palace, or turn up overweight to training, could we not think about that? We do all that but we dare not take a dead rubber against Mike Ashley's giant advertising hoarding lightly because it might upset Dr Allam and his sodding Tigers?
Integrity of the Premier League indeed. I'd play Jude the Cat up front.
Links >>> Death by a thousand cuts — opposition preview >>> The long suffering Newcastle fan — interview >>> Chris Ramsey press conference >>> Souvenir relegation podcast >>> Probert gets Newcastle game again — referee
Les Ferdinand tussles with Danny Maddix on his first return to Loftus Road in Newcastle colours in September 1996. Ferdinand scored one in an action-packed 3-2 victory for Kevin Keegan's title-chasers. Danny Dichio scored twice for Rangers.
Mike Williamson is still suspended for his deliberate red card at Leicester, but given his chronic lack of ability that's probably good news for Newcastle, particularly as Daryl Janmaat, who is half decent, is back from his one match ban. Siem De Jong is permanently unavailable with one thing or another but Papiss Cisse has completed a full week of training (expect the other horsemen along shortly) and is available.
Elsewhere: Let's rattle through Sky's "games that matter" this weekend first shall we? First up, on Saturday night, the collective men of Liverpool together as one against Pards Pardew and the Crystals. Liverpool are fifth, four points clear of sixth and six points shy of fourth. Crystal Palace are twelfth. Mind those finger nails guys, that's going to be super tense.
Then, the least Super Sunday since the one when you had to shell out £700 on an emergency out of hours vet appointment to have the cat put to sleep after you accidentally ran it over putting the car in the garage. Swansea, eighth and can't go any lower, host Man City who can't win the league or drop out of the Champions League places. Then Louis Van Gaal, also secure in the Champions League places but unable to win the title, hosts Arsenal, also secure in the Champions League places but unable to win the title.
And if you haven't warn the edge of your seat to such a pulp that you have to spend Monday evening shopping in the never ending DFS spring/summer/autumn/winter/day of the week with a Y in it sale, then there's West Brom, who are thirteenth and safe, hosting Big Racist John and the Referee Baiters, who are already champions.
Do make sure you pay your subscription on time won't you?
BT have Southampton, locked in the dramatic race to avoid the Europa League, hosting Tactical Tim, the Grealish Boy, the best midfielder in the Premier League and the hottest striker in Europe who are probably safe now four points away from the drop zone. There's also Big Fat Sam's Big Fat Farewell Tour with Everton at Upton Park, and already relegated Burnley hosting Meticulous Mark and the Taffia — another four sides with nothing to play for, meeting for no other reason than to get out of the house for a bit.
Which leaves just three matches across the entire weekend in the Best League In the World with anything to play for. Remember, the new TV deal will average out at more than £10m per live game.
The Sunderland Sex Pests v Mad Nigel is massive — a win for either puts them all but safe. Expect a draw. Spurs v Tigers Tigers Rah Rah Rah looks like a banker home win but Big Fat Sam and Tactical Tim have both taken positive results at White Hart Lane as Spurs battle to avoid the Europa League and Steve Bruce's reckless gang of cokeheads need points fast. Don't rule out an away win here. Such a result puts Newcastle bang in it of course…
Referee: Last time Lee Probert refereed QPR, in a 4-1 win at West Brom, we said this… "Few harsh cards, few very generous free kicks for minimal contact, little done about obvious time-wasting, all with a big smile on his face." That sums it all up very nicely. Full case file available here, including details of that time he sent Jude the Cat off because he looked too much like Paul Furlong and was confusing him.
Newcastle: Last week's draw at home to West Brom snapped a run of eight straight defeats which has dragged Newcastle and all their baggage right into the teeth of the relegation battle. They've won only twice this year, at Hull on January 31 and t home to Villa on February 28. They have lost 12 of the other 16. They have lost their last five away games without scoring a goal, conceding 14 in the process culminating in last week's shambolic 3-0 loss at Leicester. Only QPR (nine) have taken fewer points than Newcastle (ten) in 2015. But they haven't lost to QPR in nine meetings going back to 1994 and Rangers have failed to score in five of the last six matches between the two. Newcastle have scored ten goals off the bench this season, a league high.
Prediction: For the penultimate time, reigning Prediction League champion WestonSuperR tells us…
"It will be interesting to see if the players really play for Chris Ramsey on Saturday, it will be at least some indicator of what sort motivator he is and if the players really want him there next year. Other than this I am finding it very difficult to show any interest at all in this match.
"Having seen the complete lack of effort of almost all our players in our only genuine 'must win' match of the season last week it is almost inconceivable that they will try much harder on Saturday. Newcastle on the other hand will be desperate for a result and three points may well secure their place in the Premier League next season. For this reason I expect Newcastle to embarrass us further by producing their first win in a very long time.
"Maybe Charlie Austin will give us something to cheer about as he chases a possible 20 goal season."
John's Prediction: QPR 1-2 Newcastle. Scorer — Charlie Austin
LFW's Prediction: QPR 0-2 Newcastle. No scorer.
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