Queens Park Rangers host Barnsley at Loftus Road on Saturday, but why exactly is Tony Fernandes keeping such a low profile now his side is finally winning?
Championship >>> Saturday October 5, 2013 >>> Kick Off 15.00 >>> Loftus Road, London, W12
It was once my dubious pleasure, outside the cancer ward of the needlessly grim and chronically unhygienic Hull Royal Infirmary, to happen upon a gentleman who’d persuaded one of the nursing staff take time out of her day to wheel him down to the street so he could smoke through a hole the doctors had seen fit to cut in his neck. A hole necessitated by a tumour the size of a golf ball he’d cultivated in the back of his throat through several years of enthusiastic participation in the smoking he still felt was important enough to him to take said member of staff away from the ward where other - non-smokers - were battling - in vain as it turned out - against the same illness he’d deliberately inflicted on himself. It all seemed rather unfair.
There can, as you’ve probably gathered, be few people alive today with as much disdain for smoking as me. This started as a "say no to everything kids” lesson at my junior school where a teacher constructed a rudimentary experiment with an empty Coca Cola bottle stuffed half full of cotton wool with a cigarette plugged in the top which, when fully ‘smoked’ and later dismantled and handed around the class, left an eerie goo on our young, naïve hands not dissimilar to the stuff the council plug pot holes with. The stupid thing is, health and safety laws and anti-smoking legislation means they probably can’t run that one in schools these days despite its profound effect on everybody in the classroom that day. "So that’s just from one?” nine-year-old me asked, while resolving to drink myself to death instead.
It progressed through a teenage existence spent mostly visiting loved ones — none of whom smoked - in cancer wards packed to the rafters full of suffering to the point, now, where the sight of smoke pouring out of a human’s face makes the skin crawl up my back in much the same way as the pulling of polystyrene does a normal, mentally sound person. That’s not ideal, living in London, where everybody seems to smoke except me, and incredibly beautiful young girls patrol the pubs and clubs of Shoreditch in white nurse uniforms selling cigarettes out of pristine white trays bathed in purple lights. Ironic really, the nursing theme, because they don’t look nearly so alluring when they’re cleaning the phlegm out of your tracheostomy pipe.
But even I have to wonder whether Arsenal midfielder Jack Wilshere standing outside a nightclub in the middle of the week with a cigarette in his mouth is really worth the coverage it’s had today. Every newspaper, every third Tweet, every website, everybody who’s anybody and quite a few of the nobodies as well have been expressing an opinion on this. Wilshere, bang to rights, has overpaid a PR adviser somewhere to come up with the time-honoured excuse of every 13-year-old caught in the same situation: "I don’t smoke, I was holding it for somebody else (with my lips)” which was later revised to "did it for a bet innit.”
It’s a tired situation this one, following a time-honoured pattern. Footballers often get caught smoking, which should come as no kind of surprise because here is a large collection of young men, many of whom aren’t very bright, who are removed from what little schooling they would have bothered with, promised the earth, talked up as Gods, handed many thousands of pounds every week, committed to something in the region of 90 minutes of football training once a day - four days a week - and then sent out into the world for the rest of the time. The result is always likely to be tattoos, shagging, high speed car accidents, enough cocaine to kill a small horse, cigarettes outside nightclubs and, occasionally, a round of golf. When caught they often, as Wilshere has today, point out that some great players from the past also smoked: Socrates, Zidane etc etc blah blah God almighty I’ve nearly taken up smoking myself just to get through this.
The modern day footballer lighting up is obviously ludicrous. On October 26 Arsenal go to Crystal Palace for a lunchtime, 12.45, kick off which will mean that somebody somewhere will be charged with waking Jack Wilshere up at 07.30 and dragging him downstairs to the hotel restaurant (long way down to Selhurst Park, definite overnight stay) to devour a tasty breakfast of chicken and pasta. His body will cry out "what in the name of God is this, get me some Coco Pops you remedial” but somebody with a large forehead buried deep within a very advanced technical institute, probably in America, has, at some point, decreed that Jack Wilshere will run .3 seconds faster and pass .156% more accurately at 12.53 if you’ve pumped him full of chicken and pasta at 07.49. Then he goes out afterwards and stuffs as many cigarettes and bottles of Spanish lager brewed in Burton-upon-Trent as he can lay his hands on down his throat. "We’ll have a conversation about it,” said Arsene Wenger today, presumably wondering why his highly paid club nutritionist is bothering.
But is this news? Or, rather, is it worth the coverage it’s had today? Of course not, it’s merely a product of the 24-hour news culture that has perpetuated our society and made it a whole lot worse.
On a slow news day it’s no longer acceptable to run an old episode of Diagnosis Murder on Sky Sports News or BBC News 24. Something, anything, has to be found — and we’re so much worse off for that. I’d absolutely fucking love to come home, turn on a 24 hour news channel, and have Kate Silverton say to me "nothing much has gone on today, so we’ll run through a few bits quickly, and then show Bedknobs and Broomsticks.”
In sport it’s created a need for, firstly, the "pre-match press conference” and then, latterly, the pre-match interview, which is essentially a manager, who doesn’t want to say anything for the press to report on anyway, talking to the media about something that hasn’t happened yet. These have long since been hijacked by various minions of Sky who get first dibs on the questions and infuriate QPR fans by winding Harry Redknapp up and setting him off on a prolonged analysis of Gareth Bale, horse racing, rising costs of travel cards, why the Shard doesn’t meet in a point at the top, or whatever else has been flagged up in the news meeting down at Murdoch’s Isleworth lair that morning.
Jack Wilshere is news today because in all the pre-match press conferences in all the land Arsene Wenger’s "yeh, probably shouldn’t be doing that should he? Soft lad” was the most interesting thing, by a million country miles, that anybody had to say about anything. The Day Today ideal that Fact x Importance = News very sadly no longer rings true. Time, and columns, to fill is now the most crucial element — 46 LoftforWords Championship match previews don’t exactly write themselves, hence 1,209 words to this point on the issue of Jack Wilshere and his one poxy, lousy cigarette. Have we got the picture? Have we got the picture of Jack with the cigarette? We’ve got to have the picture.
Give me strength.
What it’s all rather crying out for is Tony Fernandes. This used (and by ‘used’, I mean ‘six months ago’) to be very simple: QPR lost, QPR players behaved very poorly, and then Tony took to the Twitter with a quick machine gun fire of five or six messages hinting that a manager might be about to get sacked or players had let him down or Loic Remy was very good at computer games. Then the Metro and other such fine publications assembled that into 250 mind-numbing words to fill the back page. QPR were good for copy.
You would think, having steadfastly Tweeted and remained optimistic for the last two lousy campaigns, only occasionally using the trademark Air Asia baseball cap to mask the tell-tale eye-ball signs of a man slowly dying inside, that Chairman Tony would be absolutely loving this season. QPR are working hard, keeping clean sheets, winning games, topping tables — it’s everything he ever wanted. And yet he’s, largely, maintained a radio silence, broken only occasionally to say that "everybody was the man of the match” after the latest easy win.
He’s giving them nothing to write about, and it’s the Jack Wilshere’s of this smokey world who are suffering.
This could be for several reasons. A cynic would suggest that QPR were, and still are, merely an advertising vehicle for the Tune Group and Tony Fernandes’ airline. He wants to be on the front row of the directors’ box at Loftus Road on the day that QPR, in their Air Asia sponsored shirts, sweep aside a team the people of the Far East have heard of in a Premier League match using the players he’s paid for. Nobody in Asia gives two shits whether QPR beat Doncaster Rovers or not and therefore, for this season at least, neither does Tony. "Just get me back to the Premier League as quickly as possible please, and wake me once we arrive,” he said, wafting his hand in the direction of a butler. Perhaps.
It could be that he got sick of the inevitable nonsense that comes with running a reasonably high profile football club while maintaining a Twitter presence. The briefest of trawls through poor Tone’s Twitter account unveils a string of shameless mouth breathers essentially begging him, or at times bullying him, into giving them favours.
Fernandes has, on occasions, offered up a ticket or a flight to a QPR fan in a bad situation and has therefore left himself open to assault from a string of people with no sense of pride or self-worth to try and cadge a freebie for themselves. My personal favourite was the QPR fan who said it was a "poor show Tony Fernandes” for QPR to release the new shirts in August, when he would have no money, as opposed to July, when he did. As if money cannot be kept in a drawer somewhere from one month to the next. As if Tony Fernandes should care anyway. As if it’s Tony Fernandes’ decision when the bloody shirts are released. Give me a free shirt Tony you bastard. Christ, even the man at Old Street tube station who asks me every day if I’ve got any change has a shirt on. No wonder he’s Tweeting less — Tony Fernandes that is, not the man at Old Street tube.
Perhaps the media team at Loftus Road have quietly grasped their boss around the throat and pointed out the negative impact, and sudden increase in workload for them, a casual Tweet from him on the way home from the pub can cause.
Or perhaps Tony Fernandes has simply learnt a lesson: speak less, do more. Put together a decent, hardworking, likeable team on the pitch and then marvel at the nice things people say about it when it wins without you needing to say or Tweet a damn thing. Go all bombastic and Bertie Big Potatoes about signing Ji Sung Park and tell the world you’re now a "global brand” and see, firstly, how badly things go on the pitch and then, secondly, how funny the rest of decent society finds it.
Whatever the reason it’s a welcome change, and a contributing factor to what is still, whatever the "big spending QPR” orientated media say, a miraculous turnaround from last season’s shuttle disaster.
Barnsley at home this Saturday. Probably should have mentioned that earlier.
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Trevor Sinclair wheels away with Rufus Brevett to celebrate his remarkable winning goal against Barnsley in the 1996/97 FA Cup fourth round tie at Loftus Road. The 22 yard bicycle kick, one of only three QPR goals ever to win the Match of the Day Goal of the Season prize, sealed a 3-2 win for ten man Rangers who went on to lose to Wimbledon in the next round. It remains the finest goal ever scored by any footballer in any football match anywhere in the world ever in the history of the sport.
Team News: QPR might, might, just be tempted to pick the same team this weekend following last week’s excellent performance and result at home to Middlesbrough. Bobby Zamora is a long term absentee, Matt Phillips still has wankers’ cramp and Andy Johnson is a week away from recovering from whatever is ailing him this time. Junior Hoilett is improving, but QPR were excellent against Boro a week ago and Harry Redknapp seemed to be hinting in his own pointless pre-match press conference today that the same team might be fielded. No Nedum Onuoha means Clint Hill and Richard Dunne continue at centre half with young Max Ehmer as cover.
With Joe Hart in form so poor every amateur goalkeeper in the country kept their phone close by on Thursday waiting for Roy Hodgson’s call one would be tempted to ask "where is Jack Butland?” The answer is here, at Barnsley, on loan, because a year ago he chose to move to Stoke City, who already have a very accomplished Bosnian in goal. The theme of the week is ‘thick footballers’. Some Barnsley players are injured, others less so. Lewin Nyatanga looked important when he signed in the summer, but has yet to make his debut. Peter Ramage is deputising on loan from Palace, and deserves a clap.
Elsewhere: Day sixty seven of QPR’s enforced incarceration in the Championship and the other inmates have been pitted against each other in a series of apparently randomly drawn battles for supremacy. Difficult to tell at this stage whether these will be scraps to the bloody death, we’ll know more tomorrow at 17.00.
Of particular interest to the guards is Birmingham Cash Strapped v Bolton Hindered — the former somehow continuing to exist despite their owner having his assets frozen some time ago for spending his money on silly things like football clubs in Birmingham, the latter all set for a triumphant march back to the Premier League until LoftforWords said they were all set for a triumphant march back to the Premier League and now actually looking like a reasonable bet for a trip to Fleetwood next season. Sky are scheduling that on Saturday lunchtime under the "FL72” branding, the thinly-veiled catchline of which is "you don’t matter if you’re not in the Premier League so we’re just lumping you all in together — Shrewsbury, Tranmere, QPR, all the same, nobody cares.”
Nottingham Trees’ manager Billy Davies will be falling out with the journalists of Brighton after the 17.30 kick off — late enough for him to have had a drink and be even more needlessly aggressive than he is usually — and Champions of Europe Wigan have a Sunday game with the Mad Indian Chicken Farmers Select XI.
Everything else, in what is always referred to as "the crucial first round of fixtures in October”, takes place at 15.00 despite public health concerns over whether the average human male can cope with such an onslaught of stimulation. Middlesbrough v Yeovil? How about that? No? Bournemouth v Millwall? Derby v Leeds? Feel it with me. Highlights presented from the Sky canteen in the middle of the night on Monday.
Games of some note, if you’re the sort to go checking league tables ten rounds into a 46 game season, feature top of the table Burnley hosting Reading Retail Park; third place Leicester Foxes away at Donny Rovers; and the Ince Family Values at Charlton. Udinese are away to Huddersfield Yorkshire Folk.
Dave Jones still has a job. Mick McCarthy’s accident prone Ipswich side are next to try and correct that obvious ill when they visit Sheff Wed.
This is, incredibly (and nothing less than that), the third of three rounds of Championship action this week alone. There’s only so much cum one man can spunk so, mercifully, an international break has now been scheduled in which we can all recharge our ball bags and prepare adequately for round seven hundred and eighty six in a fortnight’s time which includes — but is not limited to — Yeovil v Brighton and Ipswich v Burnley.
I know, I know. Leave it alone or the skin will start to peel.
Referee: Apparently police officer David Phillips is in charge of this weekend’s game at Loftus Road, which will be his first Championship appointment of the season if he makes it. Excuse the cynicism, but he’s already stood us up once this term and I’m tired of putting on a nice shirt and some aftershave for this no-show. He was previously due to take our Swindon cup tie before getting a better offer. For a full run down of the times he did turn up for QPR appointments click here.
QPR: Just keeping adding one. The 2-0 win against Middlesbrough here last time out means it’s now nine matches unbeaten at the start of the season for QPR who are closing in on the club record run of 19 set in the 2010/11 season when they went on to win the league. It was seventh consecutive clean sheet in the league for Rob Green and his defence, and an eighth successive appearance for Richard Dunne without conceding a goal since his summer arrival. Another shutout here would set a club record for eight consecutive league clean sheets. It was, however, the first time Rangers have scored more than two goals in a league game since the opening day of the season. They’re yet to score more than that in a match this season but they are the only unbeaten team left in the Championship this season and with just two goals conceded have the best defensive record in the Football League.
Barnsley: Barnsley have won just one of 12 matches in all competitions to start this season and haven’t won at Loftus Road in 22 attempts dating back to 1950. To be fair to the Tykes though, their recent fixture list has been unusually unkind — Forest, Bournemouth, Leicester and now QPR away with just two home fixtures against high flying Watford and Reading into the bargain. They’ve drawn one and lost four of those so far but that’s to be expected. Forthcoming home games with Middlesbrough, Sheff Wed, Doncaster and Birmingham with trips to Ipswich and Millwall will perhaps provide a fairer indication of their capabilities, if manager David Flitcroft can last that long. That said, five defeats from five away games so far this season (12 conceded, five scored) and no wins in 12 attempts on the road doesn’t make for great reading. While QPR have the Football League’s best defence, Barnsley have the worst — 25 goals conceded in ten matches. What could possibly go wrong here?
Betting: Professional odds compiler Owen Goulding, who called last week’s Joey Barton first goal spot on, tells us…
"QPR take on Barnsley in an early season top v bottom clash. Barnsley currently prop up the division, taking only five points from the available 30 so far this season. Those five points were all gained at home - the Tykes have lost every game away from home this season. QPR on the other hand have only dropped two points at home so far this term and as such, anyone looking for any kind of backable price on a home win will not be surprised to see that QPR are the shortest price team on the entire Football League coupon this weekend. At a best priced 4/9, you won’t be making yourself rich backing QPR here.
"So it’s into the goal scorer market we enter again. After having some success with Joey Barton last week, I'm returning to a more likely source of a goal for my bet of the weekend. Charlie Austin seems to be getting better as every week passes and with the supply line from Kranjcar- a player playing in a league below that of which he should be - added to the equation, and Barnsley's inability to defend - they have conceded 25 goals already this season, by far the most in the division - the price on Austin to score at any time during the game at Betfred of Evens seems a great way of doubling your money. With a likely centre-half pairing of ex-Hoops Ramage and Cranie, the mobility and strength of Austin should cause them all sorts of trouble - similar style strikers such as Troy Deeney and David Nugent have given them the run-around in recent weeks and I expect Austin to add to his tally this weekend. Just a word of caution though - although I expect a QPR win here, Barnsley have definitely improved in recent weeks so don't expect it to be a walk in the park.
"Bet of the weekend - Charlie Austin to score anytime Evens (Betfred)”
Prediction: Two correct predictions on the spin for our reigning Prediction League champion Mase who this week says…
"It's easy at the moment to assume two things about matches involving our side: (a) that we will win; and (b) that we won't concede in the process. The visit of "rock-bottom" Barnsley to W12 therefore should represent nothing more than an ideal opportunity to apply this previously-successful formula and continue my march up the Prediction League (I am now on the first page of entries for the first time this season).
"Such assumptions are dangerous, however. I am sure that before the season started, Barnsley would be many people's idea of a relegation tip. Thrashings home (Wigan, Watford) and away (Blackburn) will have done little to disavow that view. However, a closer inspection of Barnsley's recent results and performances belies their lowly league position and demonstrates they are fighters. They were very unlucky away at one of the league's better sides, Leicester, where an incorrectly-ruled offside denied them the opening goal, and a penalty eventually cost them the game, despite a valiant effort to restore parity. They secured a creditable draw with Reading, and went down by the odd goal in five at the City Ground having more than held their own for much of the game. I for one would be surprised if there aren't three worse teams than Barnsley in this league.
"That said, they have a young squad (read: inexperienced) that nevertheless contains a few players I had assumed had drifted out of the pro game a while ago: Mike Pollitt, Martin Craine (never the same after that night at Loftus Road against Coventry) and an ageing Jason Scotland which, taken together, doesn't look like a recipe for success.
"Looking at our own performances, last week was a lot better than what had preceded it but it remains to be seen whether the same formation and individuals who made it work will be selected, particularly with the loss of Steve McClaren to Derby. I'm aware this is turning into a bit of an essay so suffice it to say I think we will have enough to win on Saturday, but probably not with as much to spare as at first might be envisaged. Same outcome as last week I think, clean sheet record secured. Here's hoping.”
Mase’s Prediction: QPR 2 Barnsley 0, first scorer: Kranjcar
LFW Prediction: QPR 3 Barnsley 0, first scorer: Austin
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