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Just when you thought that events couldn’t take an obscener turn, esteemed football advisers Matthew Southall and Alexander Jarvis are planning to ditch £1.2m of dirty money and their hostile takeover attempt of Rochdale AFC providing they gain control of near neighbours and fellow League 2 strugglers Oldham Athletic.
In January 2022, Oldham owner Abdallah Lemsagam announced that he was putting the club up for sale in Southall’s favourite local propaganda publication, the Manchester Evening News.
Chris Lees is quoted saying: "If you’re coming into a club with a few million quid and doing what’s already been done, then you’re always going to get what you’ve always got. You’ll paper over cracks, then they’ll appear again. That’s what happens in football. Coming in with a few million quid isn’t an answer. If that was the only option on the table, I’m not interested, I’d never do that.
Southall and Jarvis have made no secret of wanting to own a League 2 club on the cheap.
From a self-confessed “hostile takeover” of Rochdale AFC briefed by Captain Sabotage to the Daily Telegraph, efforts to buy a club have been high on the agenda for both men with significant funds to invest available from a Dubai based Essex boy and a Worksop based used car salesman who both have a love of small dogs.
Now, they are less than 14 days from the reality of sitting in the Director’s Box at Boundary Park providing that they fulfil a number of conditions to get the deal done.
Southall described to journalists wanting to "scratch an itch" but it wholly unclear as to whether this relates to having another crack at failing in football or is related to an another unfortunate medical condition.
It is proposed that Morton House will pay a full and initial £1 plus taking over all the current debts of Oldham, the latest accounts of which state are approximately £3 million paying for items in two unique ways.
The first payment method for the deal will be to introduce funds by a brand new cryptocurrency which Jarvis has launched — the BIFFOcoin (Baldness Is Funding For Oldham) — which works in a similar way to Bitcoin - and currently used by Morton House to pay for beauty treatments for bald advisers, rather than paying them in cold hard cash.
The second payment strategy is a new concept dreamed up by Southall called “Never Never Pay” based on the successful ApplePay concept of the US technology giant, Apple Inc.
Unlike ApplePay, Never Never Pay sees a purchase is agreed but then payment is not made and the process to pay is strung out as long as possible using the court process to obsfuscate, dither and delay the person who is owed money hoping they go away.
Oldham’s existing trade creditors of £1m are used to this strategy and Southall and Jarvis believe their credit line can be further extended on a “Buy Now, Never Never pay” basis.
The pair have a new Chief Executive in mind to replace the current Oldham CEO. His identity is a closely guarded secret but he is believed to have had a long and illustrious career in the toy industry and be a local man.
Press efforts to speak to Southall yesterday were thwarted when a visit to his home in Worsley, Manchester was disrupted by a gang of angry builders looking to smash his front door in. His partner also made sure back doors were locked so that they could not be smashed in too.
Undeterred and on hearing the news of BIFFOcoin, new Twitter poster @BIFFOJoRoyal posted:
“Morton House will be great for Oldham. #getthedealdone #BIFFOcoin”
So it must be true then.
The EFL have been approached for comment and a senior media spokesman, who did not wish to be named, commented:
“F*cking hell. Not another question about these Morton House clowns. Is that Jarvis chap involved? Southall too? They haven’t got two bob to rub together and struggle with basic reading and writing. The EFL is committed to supporting all members clubs from having to deal with idiots and our main priority is supporting stakeholders, including supporters.”
Efforts needed to raise the £1 remain but Southall and Jarvis are hopefully the back of Captain Sabotage's parents sofa will yield the needed quid.
The dastardly duo are hopeful of getting the deal done in April and at the same time abandoning all hope of working with Rochdale AFC.
George Bernard Shaw had it right:
"He who can does; he who cannot, teaches."
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