| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 851701 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:09 - Dec 31 with 9004 views | Esox_Lucius |
I thought I heard Tubular Bells on my farm this winter, but it was just
my cold field. |  |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:46 - Dec 31 with 8907 views | Esox_Lucius |
Sister Rita a nun was sitting by her convent window one evening as she opened a letter from home: inside the letter was a £50 note from her parents. Sister Rita smiled but as she continued to read the letter by what was left of the last glimmers of daylight coming through her window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamp post in the street below. Quickly she took a piece of paper and wrote, "Don't despair - Sister Rita". She then wrapped the £50 note in it and having got the man's attention, she tossed the wrapped note out of the window to him. The stranger picked it up and read what was on the paper. He looked up, tipped his hat and slowly made his way down the street and into the darkness. Meanwhile, Sister Rita returned to her letter hoping he would use the money wisely.
The following day, Sister Rita was told that there was a man at the main door of the convent insisting that he should see her so, she made her way down the stairs to see what the commotion was all about. True enough, she found the stranger, who she had last seen standing in the street, waiting for her. Without a word, he handed her an envelope stuffed full with £50 notes.
"What's this?" she asked.
"It's your winnings Sister," he replied, "Don't Despair came in at 80-1." | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:11 - Jan 8 with 8650 views | loftboy |
John Thaw’s immortal detective character used to run a college class at Oxford where he combined tomato ketchup making with Viking funerals.
It was his Morse Norse Sauce Course |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:04 - Jan 11 with 8416 views | Esox_Lucius |
Two sewing machines were sat in a bar having a drink. One turns to the other other and says "Hey, I think I know you, weren't you a Singer"? | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 09:34 - Jan 16 with 8243 views | Esox_Lucius |
I saw a Lizard standing on it's hind legs telling some really funny jokes at the Jungle Nightclub. He had the audience in stitches. I said to the Giraffe stood next to me "This Lizard is really funny" The Giraffe said "That's not a Lizard, it's a stand up Chameleon" | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:14 - Jan 21 with 8125 views | Kensal_Green_Binner |
I was outside Charing Cross Station today and I saw a line of taxis smelling a bit off - I thought that's rank... [Post edited 21 Jan 2022 14:49]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:58 - Jan 21 with 8088 views | Esox_Lucius |
Matt Hancock was doing an annual visit to a hospital. As always, he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were there.
Hancock checked all the books and then did his tour. While on the tour he turned to the ward manager and said, "I notice you buy and use a lot of bandages. What do you do with the plastic middle out of the roll?" "Good question", noted the ward manager, "we save them up and send them back to Johnson and Johnson and every once in a while, they send us a free bandage roll. We like recycle whenever possible." "Oh" he said somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his tour to the next ward. "What about all these coloured casts you dispense. They seem to be rather a waste of money?"
"Ah, yes", replied the ward manager realizing that Hancock was trying to trap her, "we ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs". Hancock was determined to fluster the ward manager. So on they went to the next ward. "Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" "Here too we do not like wasting", said the manager.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the government in London and about once a year, at this exact time, they send us a complete prick". | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:32 - Jan 23 with 7894 views | Boston |
My doctor advised me to take up exercising as it would extend my life. I've followed his recommendation and I do believe the blokes onto something, only one week in and I feel like I'm ninety. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:26 - Jan 23 with 7832 views | Boston |
So delighted was the Nigerian Minister of Sport at his team winning their group in the Africa Cup of Nations, he has announced that all fans who bought tickets will be reimbursed the monies paid as a reward for their support.
All he needs is your bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:00 - Jan 23 with 7761 views | acricketer |
Not to brag but I've just landed a job as a fitness model!
They hired me as the 'before' picture. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 21:45 - Jan 23 with 7644 views | Boston |
Landed a job at White Hart Lane the other day. Yes, I'm the bloke who has to cool them down after training. It's going to be difficult, I'm not a fan. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:31 - Jan 24 with 7514 views | Esox_Lucius |
So I bit the bullet and thought I would try a tandem parachute jump. I'll be honest and I was absolutely sh!tt!ng myself as I was being strapped up to the guy I'd be jumping with. It got much much worse when we jumped and his first words to me over the intercom were "So, how long have you been an instructor"? | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:34 - Jan 24 with 7492 views | Lblock |
I'm annoyed.
Just got from my premature ejaculation self help group meeting.
Wasted journey.... it's on tomorrow |  |
| Cherish and enjoy life.... this ain't no dress rehearsal |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:16 - Jan 24 with 7459 views | BrianMcCarthy |
"I’m like the Census: broken down by age, sex, and religion." - SEÃN MAC RÉAMOINN
From QI on Facebook. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 21:13 - Jan 27 with 7232 views | CiderwithRsie |
| Corny Joke Warning on 10:34 - Jan 24 by Lblock |
I'm annoyed.
Just got from my premature ejaculation self help group meeting.
Wasted journey.... it's on tomorrow |
Hey! Welcome back! | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 21:15 - Jan 27 with 7226 views | CiderwithRsie |
One from Barry Cryer's obituary:
A bloke mistook tipp-ex for viagra. Woke up with a massive correction. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 15:36 - Jan 28 with 7021 views | johann28 |
Another Barry Cryer one
Mr and Mrs Bowles at the bus stop. Mrs B says to Stanley - 'wow, I think that's the Archbishop of Canterbury at the front of the queue'?
Mr B says 'don't be ridiculous, as if he'd ever take a bus!'.
Mrs B glares again. 'im sure it is him. Go and ask him. I'll bet you £10 it's him.'
Well, Stan's always up for a bet. 'Ha. Ok, bet you it isn't. Done.'
He walks up to the stranger. 'Hiya sir. Sorry, but do you mind me asking - are you the Archbishop of Canterbury?'
The stranger glares at him. 'oh why don't you just Fk off you fkg cn ut'.
Stan walks the walk of shame back to his wife. 'Oh dear' she sighs, 'now we'll never know'. [Post edited 28 Jan 2022 15:37]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:29 - Jan 29 with 6846 views | hantssi |
A. Which one of King Arthur’s knights invented the idea of the Round Table?
A. Sir Cumference! | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 04:02 - Jan 31 with 6695 views | saxbend |
2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20, 000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
"R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20, 000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs.
The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20, 000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already". |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 09:13 - Feb 2 with 6399 views | hantssi |
Bad news guys.
I failed my abseiling exam yesterday.
I let myself down really badly there! | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 12:28 - Feb 2 with 6323 views | NewBee |
Another Barry Cryer one, from when he was at a party for Richard Ingram, founder of Private Eye.
"You don't look 75", he told him. "You did once, though", he added. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 13:55 - Feb 3 with 6152 views | Esox_Lucius |
I went to see a microbiologist this morning; I'll be honest, I thought he was a lot bigger than I was expecting. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 09:10 - Feb 4 with 6038 views | Esox_Lucius |
What is the similarity between the films Titanic and 6th Sense?
Icy dead people. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 09:46 - Feb 4 with 5985 views | Esox_Lucius |
Why did the hipster drown when he went ice skating on his local pond?
He went there before it was cool. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 09:53 - Feb 4 with 5971 views | saxbend |
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.
“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”Â
“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes mental every year when we pass him.” | | | |
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