| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 822641 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:04 - Sep 10 with 8741 views | Esox_Lucius |
I took a late night short cut through the cemetery after a session and I began to hear a tapping sound and got a bit scared. I carried on and the tapping got even louder and, to be honest, I was sh!tting myself a bit. A few steps on and I was relieved to see it was a man chiselling the name on a tombstone. "Thank goodness" I said" I was scared half to death, why are you working so late?"
"They spelt my name wrong" he said. |  |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 09:49 - Sep 11 with 8629 views | Sonofpugwash |
I answered my phone and all I could hear was someone coughing and sneezing, and then the line went dead.
Sick of these cold callers. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:56 - Sep 12 with 8497 views | Sonofpugwash |
I said to my girlfriend "these new bathroom scales are great,they can even tell you how much your poo weighs"
"So you weigh yourself before you have a poo and then afterwards and compare the two figures?"
I replied "Yes,I suppose you could do it that way." | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:27 - Sep 12 with 8461 views | Esox_Lucius |
I went to the doctors yesterday and told him that every time I cough it makes word like sounds similar to Knight, Bishop, Pawn and Queen .
He said I had a chess infection. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:04 - Sep 12 with 8373 views | Boston |
Man and child sit down at a restaurant table, waiter comes over and informs them kids meals are free that day. "Great" replies dad, "I'll have a small coke and chips, my daughters would like a filet mignon and a beer." | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:14 - Sep 14 with 8202 views | BazzeR |
Two Cannibals are eating a Clown
One Cannibal says to the other ‘this tastes funny to me’ | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 13:18 - Sep 14 with 8141 views | Sonofpugwash |
I don't want to brag but I finished a jigsaw puzzle in under a week and it said 2-4 years on the box. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:20 - Sep 14 with 8137 views | Sonofpugwash |
I put a few fir trees in the living room earlier.
Just trying to spruce the place up a bit. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:46 - Sep 14 with 8005 views | acricketer |
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added,
“I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career” | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 11:01 - Sep 15 with 7883 views | Sonofpugwash |
Lots of racing drivers named after Scottish towns.
There's Lewis Hamilton of course...
Stirling Moss....
Ayr Town Centre. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:21 - Sep 17 with 7697 views | Esox_Lucius |
A lorry loaded with Vicks Vaporub crashed and turned over on the M4, amazingly there was no congestion for hours. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:51 - Sep 17 with 7617 views | Sonofpugwash |
It's fairly easy to convince women not to eat Tide pods.
But it's harder to deter gents. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 21:19 - Sep 17 with 7574 views | Esox_Lucius |
I just joined all my watches together to make a belt. It was a complete waist of time. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:12 - Sep 18 with 7431 views | Esox_Lucius |
A bloke staggered home very late after another evening at the pub. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, he sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his arse cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, he woke up with searing pain in both his head and arse with his wife staring at him from across the room.
She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’
He said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?’
‘Well,’ she said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:30 - Sep 18 with 7409 views | johann28 |
| Corny Joke Warning on 21:19 - Sep 17 by Esox_Lucius |
I just joined all my watches together to make a belt. It was a complete waist of time. |
They say they're going to do away with Roman numerals.
Not on my watch [Post edited 18 Sep 2021 13:36]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:51 - Sep 18 with 7356 views | Sonofpugwash |
I have a fear of escalators so I'm taking steps to avoid them. [Post edited 20 Sep 2021 8:00]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:37 - Sep 20 with 7180 views | Esox_Lucius |
I fell off a 25m ladder this morning. Fortunately I was only on the bottom rung when it happened. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:16 - Sep 21 with 7027 views | Sonofpugwash |
My neighbour told me he was rather nervous about growing an apple tree in his garden.
I told him for god's sake grow a pear. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:33 - Sep 21 with 6940 views | johann28 |
First time fly fishing. Great stuff, very lucky.
Caught a 2 and a half pound blue bottle. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 10:58 - Sep 22 with 6786 views | Sonofpugwash |
I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”
I said, “Not at all.”
He said, “Kiss?”
I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel.” | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:02 - Sep 22 with 6782 views | Esox_Lucius |
Nurse: What happened to your fingers?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables really fast?
Nurse: Yes.
Me: I can't do that. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:13 - Sep 22 with 6729 views | Sonofpugwash |
Why are Rusiian underpants no good?
Because Chernobyl fall out. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:35 - Sep 22 with 6646 views | Esox_Lucius |
I was sat in the back of a taxi I had called when I remembered that I had left my wallet at home. I tapped the driver on the shoulder ready to ask him to turn around and tell him of my change of plan and he screamed, swore and started swerving violently from side to side. Eventually he pulled to the side of the road and threw the door open and made to run off.
I shouted out out at him "Hey mate! what's the problem?" He looked back at me and gave a loud, long sigh of relief before saying "You scared the sh!t out of me!"
I apologised and asked him why it was such an OTT reaction from him and he replied "It is my first day of driving a taxi cab". That puzzled me and I asked him why that was such an issue.
He replied "I was a hearse driver for 30 years before today" [Post edited 22 Sep 2021 20:36]
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| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 09:24 - Sep 23 with 6516 views | Sonofpugwash |
In these uncertain financial times I've started breeding and training racing deer.
Anything to make a fast buck. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:29 - Sep 23 with 6451 views | qprphil |
A husband and wife were grocery shopping. He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. " What are you doing? " asks the wife. "They're on sale at £10 for 24 cans"he replies.
"Put them back we can't afford them," demands the wife. They continue shopping.
Later on she puts a £20 jar of face cream in the cart.
" What are you doing "? asks the husband. " It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful." she replies.
He said, " so does 24 cans of beer, and it's half the price." | | | |
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