| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 822419 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:13 - Apr 10 with 7448 views | Esox_Lucius |
The landlord turned up at one of his flats and asked the tenant why he was so far behind with his rent. He tried to explain to the landlord he was just starting up a business selling calendars to make more money. At that moment his wife appeared at his side with large bits of printed paper sticking out from the sides of her head under her hair. The landlord asked what was going on and the bloke says "well it's actually her flat and she's 3 months in her ears". |  |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:11 - Apr 10 with 7372 views | dontknowitall |
Just been sacked for no reason from my job as an accountant.
I am absolutely gutted as I have been there since 2006. What a waste of 47 years.... |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 22:22 - Apr 10 with 7323 views | johann28 |
So, there's this young actor Stan, finally landed a job at the theatre.
First night. Lights up, he comes on, panics, drops his trousers, pees all over the front row. Show is cancelled.
Theatre boss guy is, predictably, irate. 'What the F k happened you Fk g moron? You've cost us a whole Fk g night and ruined our reputation you c nut!!!!:
'oh I'm so so so sorry ' says Stan. 'that's my career down the tube, I realise, I'm so embarrassed. I can't say sorry enough. First night nerves? So sorry so embarrassed.'
Boss guy softens. 'Hey mate. Sorry. You're great. I can see you've got a fabulous career ahead of you. We've all had first night nerves. I tell you what I'm going to do, We'll have another go at it tomorrow. Ok with you?'
'oh that's so good of you' says Stan. 'I won't let you down'.
Second night. Same thing. Drops the trousers, pees over the front row. Chaos.
Boss man apoplectic with rage. 'you Fk g bastrd!!!! I gave you a second chance, now look!!! First night nerves???? You've got a Fk g problem mate ....'
'yes yes yes' says Stan, crestfallen. ' I'm so so embarrassed. My career is over. I'm fired. Totally understand.'
Well the Boss man doesn't want to end his career. 'look mate, it's obvious you'd need help. I know this guy in Harley st, top man, you go and see him, i'll pay, come back in a couple of weeks and tell me how you feel. Ok?'
Stan is humbled. 'That's so kind. I'll do it.'
Two weeks later, Stan's back, Happy as larry. 'That Fk g psychiatrist you recommended? Fk g genius! I'm cured!! Ready to go!! Great acting career ahead!'
'oh I'm so pleased ' says boss man. 'knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. Show is back with an understudy, fancy it tomorro?!'
'you betcha ' says Stan. 'raring to go! I see my career ahead of me!'
So, next night, he's on.
Same thing. Drops his trousers, pees over everyone within a million miles. Show cancelled.
Boss man going purple. 'you Fk g cn ut!! I thought you said you were cured???'
Stan smiles.
'i am cured! It's wonderful!
I don't feel at all embarrassed now'. [Post edited 10 Apr 2021 22:24]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:55 - Apr 10 with 7288 views | Boston |
Planted a light bulb in my garden
It's grown into a power plant. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:59 - Apr 10 with 7285 views | Myke |
When my son was five or six I was teaching him how to tell the time. 'It's really easy' I said. 'There are three hands on the clock. First hand is the hour hand. Second hand is the minute hand and the third hand is the second hand' | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 23:02 - Apr 10 with 7282 views | Boston |
The ice making factory in my town suffered a power failure yesterday.
They've gone into liquidation. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:43 - Apr 11 with 7136 views | Myke |
An undertaker friend of mine thinks that glass coffins are the future. Remains to be seen I suppose | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 01:34 - Apr 12 with 7050 views | Boston |
Well, my undertaker friend tried to sell me a burial plot the other day, I told him it was the last thing I needed. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 01:44 - Apr 12 with 7043 views | Boston |
The three stages of a mans life...
He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:19 - Apr 17 with 6833 views | Esox_Lucius |
I bought a genuine Van Gogh coffee table from my local FB selling site. I know it is genuine Van Gogh as there was a bit of veneer missing. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:31 - Apr 17 with 6752 views | Boston |
I went to a tough school. One day the English teacher asked "what comes after a sentence?".
"That's easy", says I, "the appeal". | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:26 - Apr 17 with 6705 views | Myke |
When I was a kid, I had my ID stolen. I was just a k until I turned 18. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 21:10 - Apr 17 with 6665 views | Boston |
After living in the USA for most of my adult life I decided to retire back to London.
When Halloween came around I heard this banging on my front door, opening it there was this little snot nose with his hand out shouting "trick or treat".
"Y'what", I said, "we're not in America now y'know".
"Come on mate", says snotty, "you lived there for donkey's, I'm just bringing a bit of American culture to Wembley".
"Sure", says I, "now get off my fcking door step or I'll shoot ya". | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:20 - Apr 20 with 6533 views | Esox_Lucius |
It is a little known fact that the swimming pool on the SS Titanic is still full after all these years. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 00:15 - Apr 21 with 6425 views | Boston |
Know why you should never marry a tennis player?
Love means nothing to them. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 00:42 - Apr 21 with 6411 views | Boston |
Anyone else got a little Spanish lingo about 'em, ever notice The Los Angeles Angels baseball team translates into The The Angels Angels? | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 09:07 - Apr 21 with 6329 views | Esox_Lucius |
Went to my local restaurant last night.
The owner asked me "Do you mind waiting for a bit?"
I said "Not at all"
He said "Good, then take these drinks to table 7" | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:28 - Apr 21 with 6263 views | Esox_Lucius |
Q. Why do dogs always float in water?
A. Because they are good buoys. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:15 - Apr 22 with 6160 views | qprphil |
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day, and everyone was happy.
They then bought a bull to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow moved away. No matter what approach the bull made, the cow would move away, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to see the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening, and ask his advice. " Whenever the bull tries to mount the cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back she moves forward, when he approaches from the front, she backs off.
If she attempts it from one side, she moves to the other side."
The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, " did you by chance buy this cow in Scotland?" The people were dumbfounded since no one had mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise vet," they said, " how did you know we bought the cow from Scotland?"
The vet replied with a distant look in his eye, " my wife's from Scotland." | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 14:50 - Apr 22 with 6086 views | Esox_Lucius |
I have just about had it with Amazon.
Every time I order chicken pellets and grain, they email three days later asking for their feedback. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:54 - Apr 22 with 6047 views | dontknowitall |
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will let you know. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 23:19 - Apr 22 with 5956 views | GaryT |
My Kids treat me like a God.
They hardly know I exist until they want something. |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 00:59 - Apr 23 with 5911 views | Boston |
What d'ya call an Englishman in the World Cup?
Ref. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 01:05 - Apr 23 with 5909 views | Boston |
Heard about the latest British inter continental ballistic missile?
it's called the Civil Servant, doesn't work and can't be fired. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 09:29 - Apr 23 with 5851 views | Myke |
Every single time I lose something it is always in the last place I would look for it | | | |
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