| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 805257 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:49 - Feb 22 with 8449 views | johann28 |
So the Mcfaddens go to the airshow every year. And every year Mr Mcfadden says to the wife, hey, they're doing a ride in the spitfire, 20 minutes, for £50!
Well, Mrs Mcfadden isn't keen. 'You'd shit yourself, and besides, 50 quid is 50 quid. We can get dinner on that.' Mr Mc gives in every time.
Anyway, after five years of this, the spitfire ace comes over and says to the Mcfafddens, 'look, I've seen you here every year squabbling over £50. Here's what I'll do. I'll take you for free. On the condition that you don't say a word. No screaming. No shouting. Any noise at all you get charged, ok?'
Well, 50 quid is 50 quid, they nod in agreement.
So, they go up in the spitfire, he does all the tricks, loop the loop, upsidedown, come in for landing abort etc. Not a word from the back. They finally land.
'Most impressive' says spitfire guy. 'you didn't so much as let out a squeak the whole time'.
'Thanks, says Mr Mcfadden. 'I was close to it when the wife fell out, but 50 quid is 50 quid.' [Post edited 23 Feb 2021 20:40]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:10 - Feb 24 with 8246 views | Mick_S |
My friend’s nan and grandad were called Pearl and Dean, but he just calls them grandma and grandpa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa pa paaaaaaa. |  |
| Did I ever mention that I was in Minder? |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 12:33 - Feb 24 with 8183 views | Esox_Lucius |
Me: "I'm absolutely terrified of the Backstreet Boys"
My Therapist: "Tell me why"
Me: "AAARRGGGHHHHHHHH No make it stop" |  |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:20 - Feb 25 with 8077 views | Esox_Lucius |
A horse and a donkey are having a pint in the pub and the horse starts bragging "Did you know that I won the Gold Cup, The Oaks, The Epsom Derby and the Grand National in my time"?
The donkey starts scrolling through the pictures on his phone and shows the horse a picture of a Zebra.
"What's that"? says the horse
The donkey replies "That is me the night I won the European Cup with Juventus". | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 09:58 - Feb 27 with 7902 views | loftboy |
Man with a stammer has been jailed, the judge said its unlikely he’ll finish his sentence! |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:24 - Feb 27 with 7861 views | dontknowitall |
I've been kicked out of the Peripheral Vision Club...
I didn't see that coming. |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 16:00 - Feb 27 with 7767 views | hantssi |
Had my COVID jab today but for some reason they did it in my leg.
Now my Pfizer killing me! | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 19:52 - Feb 28 with 7623 views | Esox_Lucius |
I went to a job interview and at one point the interviewer asked me "Which three words would most accurately describe you?"
"Lazy" I replied. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 21:47 - Feb 28 with 7581 views | acricketer |
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned. I thought we had good alchemy. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 21:56 - Feb 28 with 7573 views | acricketer |
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 10:22 - Mar 5 with 7392 views | Esox_Lucius |
One day, young peter passed by his older brother’s room, where he overheard him talking to his girlfriend on the phone. The only phrase peter caught was “Purple flowers.” The next day in class, after giving instructions, the teacher asks if anyone has any questions. Peter raises his hand and asks, “What are purple flowers?” The teacher goes, “Peter, I will not tolerate that kind of language in my classroom. Go sit in the hall and think about what you’ve done.”
He goes out and sits in the hall when another teacher walks by and sees him. The teacher asks Peter, “What are you doing sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
“Peter, go to the principal’s office. Now.”
When he gets there, the principal tells him, “You’re a good student, Peter. You haven’t gotten in trouble before. So why are you here now?”
“I was sitting in the hall.”
“Why were you sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
“Peter, go home early. You’re suspended for the rest of the month.”
Peter goes home and his mother asks him, “Why are you home so early, dear? It’s only noon.”
“I was sent to the principal’s office.”
“Why were you sent to the principal’s office?”
“I was sitting in the hall.”
“Why were you sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
“Peter, I’m kicking you out of this house. No son of mine is asking that.”
Peter is now homeless. He decides to get a job at McDonald’s. Now keep in mind he’s, like, twelve. He gets the job, but after about an hour on his shift, the CEO stops him and says, “So we’ve looked at your record, and you’re severely underage. Why are you getting a job at McDonald’s anyway?”
“I got kicked out of my house.”
“Why were you kicked out of your house?”
“I was sent to the principal’s office.”
“Why were you sent to the principal’s office?”
“I was sitting in the hall.”
“Why were you sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
“Peter, you’re fired.”
Peter is now both homeless and unemployed. He has no money, no supplies, nothing. He sits next to a hobo on the side of the road. The hobo looks at him and goes, “What’s a kid like you doing sitting out here alone?”
“I got fired from McDonald’s.”
“Why were you fired from McDonald’s?”
“I got kicked out of my house.”
“Why were you kicked out of your house?”
“I was sent to the principal’s office.”
“Why were you sent to the principal’s office?”
“I was sitting in the hall.”
“Why were you sitting in the hall?”
“I asked a stupid question.”
“What was the stupid question?”
“What are purple flowers?”
“Oh, you know what? I heard someone talking about purple flowers just a few minutes ago,” says the hobo. “Yeah, and he’s on the other side of the road there.” Peter looks over and sees his brother on the other side of the road. Relieved, he goes to resolve the problem by asking the man himself. Peter takes two eager steps onto the road and gets run over by an eighteen-wheeler.
The moral of the story is to always look both ways before crossing the road. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:55 - Mar 6 with 7272 views | Esox_Lucius |
I was just thinking back to the time my grandfather was warning people that the Titanic would sink. No one listened, but he kept on warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:29 - Mar 6 with 7169 views | qprphil |
Just met a Chinese drug dealer, he said, " have you seen my cocaine," I said, " not since he starred in Zulu!!!" | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 18:17 - Mar 7 with 7052 views | acricketer |
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 18:41 - Mar 7 with 7033 views | BlackCrowe |
| Corny Joke Warning on 19:27 - Feb 20 by digswellhoop |
If I was a super hero I'd be aluminium man so I could foil all the crimes |
Chinese man walks into a bank.
"I wan change 100 Yuan into American dowwa".
Bank Clerk: 'Certainly sir, that will be 74 dollars'.
"74 dowwa?? Last week was 80 dowwa, why 74 dowwa now?"
'Fluctuations', says the clerk.
"Well fluck you Amelicans too!" |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 12:34 - Mar 12 with 6799 views | dontknowitall |
I've baked a cake to apologise for all the fights i unintentionally start....
So come on then, do you want some!? | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 11:14 - Mar 14 with 6656 views | Esox_Lucius |
There are two types of people.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:31 - Mar 14 with 6574 views | acricketer |
I feel bad for the homeless bloke, I do, but I feel worse for his dog.
The dog must be thinking 'crikey, this has got to be the longest walk ever'. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 10:16 - Mar 16 with 6441 views | Esox_Lucius |
I was just reading that a woman has been fined £10,000 for hosting illegal botox parties in her home during lockdown, apparently none of her friends looked surprised. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:26 - Mar 16 with 6440 views | qprphil |
After retiring I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked for my driving license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realised i'd left my wallet at home, I told the woman I was very sorry but I'd have to go home and come back tomorrow.
The woman said, " unbutton your shirt." So I unbuttoned my shirt showing off my silver curly hair. She said, " that silver curly hair is proof enough for me," and she processed my claim.
When I got home I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security Office.
She said, " you should have dropped your trousers, you might have got disability too." | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 14:08 - Mar 17 with 6316 views | Esox_Lucius |
Apple have released their yearly figures and whilst their profit is down, their turnover is still good. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:50 - Mar 18 with 6236 views | qprphil |
A friend of mine has just had his first dose of the vaccine, but on the way home he had severe blurred vision. When he got home he called the vaccination centre for advice, on wether he should see a doctor or get hospitalized. He was asked to go back to the vaccination centre immediately, as he had left his glasses there. [Post edited 18 Mar 2021 14:47]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 12:08 - Mar 18 with 6198 views | qprphil |
A man walks into a club and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, Cheese sandwich £1.50, Ham sandwich, £2.00, Chicken Sandwich £3, Hand jobs £10.00. Checking his wallet for the right payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the nice looking blondes behind the bar who were serving drinks to an eager looking group of men. " Yes" she says with a knowing smile, " can I help you"? " I was wondering " said the man, are you the one that does hand jobs?" " Yes " she purrs I am." He replies, well go and wash your hands I want a Cheese sandwich!!" | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 13:11 - Mar 18 with 6178 views | Esox_Lucius |
After a massive fight last night, I stormed out and went to the pub. While I was out my wife cut up all my clothes and left to stay with her mother. While she was gone, in revenge, I cut up all her clothes.
When she came back, and we’d both calmed down, we talked and we’re ok again but we're now just trying to patch things up. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:07 - Mar 18 with 6119 views | Myke |
The Murphy's, Mary and John, were hosting a little dinner party for their lifelong friends the Ryan's. When Joe Ryan dropped his fork on the floor and bent down under the table to pick it up, he noticed that Mary wasn't wearing any knickers. Later, Joe was helping Mary stack the dishwasher. 'Did you like what you saw?' Mary whispered to him. 'I sure did', replied Joe. 'Well you can as much as you like for a hundred euro', said Mary. 'Call around at lunch-time tomorrow, when John is at work'
Sure enough, lunch-time the following day, Joe turned up, handed over the hundred quid and had sex with Mary.
Later that evening, John came home from work, and he was barely in the door, when he said to Mary, 'Did Joe call here at lunch-time and give you a hundred euro?
Mary turned bright red. 'Yes', she admitted, 'but how did you know?'
'He called into my office this morning and asked if he could borrow a hundred quid and said he would drop it to you at the house during his lunch break'. | | | |
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