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bury bounced bunce brings big bonus 11:50 - Mar 21 with 6298 views

Fans of crisis club bury were left reeling today after Rochdale residents caught sight of a bouncing cheque in the skies above Spotland.

The once proud club, dishonoured, surely not? Yep, a c**nts trick

The cash-stricken club were accused of not settling their debts with their near neighbour over ticket sales from their recent F. A. Cup clash at Spotland which they won 1-0 but according to Manager Keith Hill, it didn’t matter as the game was a “free hit”.

It has come to light that clubs across the country are owed money by financially — challenged bury and as the fingers started to be pointed accusingly in the direction of Gigg Lane the curtains were drawn and a fat youngster was seen scrambling into a rusty Austin Allegro which headed off towards the M62 Westbound.

Following hotly in pursuit, EGP legged it over Rishworth Moor knowing the chubster would be seeking refuge at his Mum’s house in Bradley, betwixt Huddersfield and Mirfield.

'Hit the gas fatty'. Stewie heads for the hills

We even jumped the lights at the Cooper Bridge roundabout such was our haste to pin down lardy in an attempt to extrapolate the truth and Dale’s cash from the shyster.

Imagine our surprise when we approached the front door to find it swinging open and our quarry was cornered by an aggressive looking Yorkshireman who was demanding back the 50p he’d lent lardy at school some ten years ago. Billy Briggs was standing his ground and wasn’t going until he’d been paid back. In full.

Sheepishly the young chubster fished his hand down the back of his Mum’s couch before producing a few old coins which just about covered his debt to Briggs.

'No I don't want a f**king car parking space, I want my f**king 50p'

Once this debt was settled we dived in. “Oi you cucking funt. Where’s Dale’s cup money?”

Our tenor was hardened by our annoyance that this slimey, rubbery lump was stealing our money to cover his losses elsewhere.

Speaking in a Spennymoor accent Day said, “I’m aware that we are in difficulties, but I’m taking steps to raise the £20,000 odd that we owe to Rochdale Football Club. I’m aware we also owe other clubs including Oldham, so I’m in the process of organising a fund-raiser to raise enough money to pay off our debts.”

We were a bit surprised by this revelation and couldn’t resist leaning forward to enquire what he had in mind.

“Well we’re having a bury-Aid concert to be held at Brookfields National Stadium in Sierra Leone. It holds 45,000 people and given that we’ve got David Bowie headlining, we reckon we’ll sell out. We’re offering tickets to bury fans at £200, but if they want they can upgrade to a £250 ticket. This means they can attend our annual Fans Forum an hour before the concert.

Joined up corners and everything. If you squint you'll see a PC World

“We currently hold the world record for the distance between club and Fans Forum venue having had our last Forum in Spain, but Flicker is always looking to push back the boundaries further so he insisted we move away from just little old Europe and take the bury brand to Africa. So I have. Plus we are scouting a player called E Bola, he was headline news here last year. Our international scouting doesn't stop because of a little financial hardship you know?'

Deadly in the box... apparently.

“We estimate bury-Aid will raise £9m which will be enough to pay off our debts and see out the contracts we’ve given to Pope, Clarke L, Lowe, Clarke P, and it’ll enable me to pay back that Fenton character who’s been hassling me for £66,000 since the day I walked in off the street and saved the strapped club who, I was told, was 24 minutes from going to the wall.”

“I’ve got other ideas to raise money too. We’ve found a lot of batteries and golfballs in the stadium, and we’re going to let bury fans sponsor these items which we always recycle when we play Rochdale.

“Investors are guaranteed a return within five years and they’ll be helping to save the planet each time they hurl one at a visiting supporter.”

The property front-man was cut off mid flow as his Mother, Doris, called out “Stoow. Tha tea’s reyht for thee naa.”

Nothing comes between Mr Day and his food and he was off like shit off a shovel to the kitchenette, only pausing to tuck a doily under his chin before displaying a Yorkshire version of Man Versus Food.