Fans of crisis club bury were left reeling last night as it emerged they have invested £150,000 into a cowboy pitch company.
Danny 'Major' considering his future might be better away from Gigg Lane
EGP received secret documents showing that Huddersfield-based Paddy O’Field Sports Management had been paid a significant sum to rip out the old knackered Gigg Lane pitch, install drains and build a new fibre sand, laser-levelled pitch to be ready for the big kick-off in August.
EGP decided to drive up to have a word with Paddy and found his company on the Sandpits Industrial Park in Milnsbridge, Huddersfield.
'I also build hotels, so I do'
Rather than go in ourselves, we hired that little bald Cockney chap Dominic, who, along with the still irresistible Melinda Messenger, investigates Cowboy Traders for Channel 5.
EGP has since seen transcripts of Dominic’s findings and initially he posed as a Director of a Southern club looking to hire Paddy to sort out Orient’s pitch.
Paddy was reluctant to take on work so far away, citing his most recent jobs had been at bury and Blackpool.
Melinda, meanwhile, found two former employees of the rogue outfit who were willing to blow the whistle on Paddy’s fraudulent behaviour, as they were still both owed two month’s wages.
They said, “Last May, Paddy was over the moon. He’d landed two clubs who both wanted new pitches. He even took on extra temporary labour.
“Anyway the plan was simple. Dig up Bloomfield Road and Gigg Lane at the same time and swap the two pitches round, creating the impression both clubs were getting a new pitch.
“Bury were quite keen on having a load of sand in their pitch though. You should have seen the funny looks we got from passers-by one morning when we were on Blackpool beach filling the wagon with free sand.
“Anyway, it turned out that Blackpool and Bury’s pitches were exactly the same size so it was quite easy laying them out again, although care was needed to insert the sand into bury’s pitch. It’s quite appropriate really. That sand will feel really at home as they’ll still have a load of donkeys charging around on it.
Being taken for a ride?
We wouldn't have got away with it this summer as I've heard they're having loads of concerts, so our scam would have been spotted by that nice Lisa Standfield."
Melinda was on a mission to drum up local businesses to save the Shakers’ pitch, but unusually for this programme, everyone told her to ‘fook right off’.
Armed with our evidence, EGP sent delegates off to Stewie’s Mum’s house to have a word with the fresh-faced plumpster. On arriving in Scammonden, Doris advised us Stewie had just popped out for some milk, but “come in anyway, I’m doing a pot of tea.”
Stewie soon returned, breathless, clutching a bottle of semi-skimmed and moments later Doris plonked a pot of tea on the table. Stewie pulled his face saying, “Aw Mum, you’ve used the wrong tea cosy. You know I prefer the all white one and not the white and blue one.”
A blue and white tea cosy at a Scammonden jumble sale yesterday
As Doris changed the tea cosy, we presented Stewie with our findings. Expecting him to fly off the handle, the young entrepreneur said in a soft Redcar accent, “I promised everyone a Championship pitch and that’s what I’ve bought.
“Anyway, I’m keeping a low profile at the moment until after our GM where I will have to reveal 7 figure losses. You should see our Championship dressing room. People from other clubs are visiting us to see the cutting edge facilities, you know, like a flip chart, a plasma screen fitted on the wall and a felt tip pen. It’s not an ordinary felt tip pen, it’s a Championship one.”
We then showed Stewie the transcript of the Wycombe manager’s post-match interview and we’d highlighted the bit where he said that bury are going to need to spend some money on the pitch to get some work done to it, just so it will enable them to complete their fixtures for the season. We even highlighted it using our League One Stabilo Boss fluorescent marker.
“I can’t believe an opposition manager has said that about us. Isn’t he aware of our League Two history?”
We pressed Stewie on where the funds had come from to synchronise forking out £150,000 for a ‘new’ pitch, as well as additional funds to put right the botched job.
“Wah-hay, that’s easy that is. We’ve flogged off all our car parking spaces at £10,000 a berth. You wouldn’t believe how many gullible people will spend £10,000 on a little strip of tarmac. You know the old saying....a fool and their money are easily parted. Luckily for me, burry has passion and fools in abundance.”
We also couldn’t let the opportunity pass by to ask Stewie why bury were having to play their games in League Two when they are already a League One club?
He actually sounded a bit pissed off when he said, “Where are the Soho three when you need them? We’re missing out on so much gate revenue because League One is very Northern centric. Look at Rochdale, they’ve got a higher average attendance than us, but we’ve got more fans and we only charge £15 to get in.
“It’s really costing us, but at least we’ve invested in a promotion-winning squad that’s full of synergy, so next year the gamble will have paid off and the Football League will let us play League One fixtures.”
Yes, Stewie. “What does synergy mean?” He replied, “I’ve no idea, but Flicker keeps using the word so it must be clever and that.”
DON’T HAVE NIGHTMARES. WE’LL BE BACK!
Leaked bury fc accounts from last night.
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