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Fans of recently-rocked club Rochdale, were left scratching their heads after former Chief Executive, David Bottomley, was reported as a missing person.
The once jovial maestro, it was thought, had sold his Saddleworth home, and fled the area following a recent acrimonious end to his time with the League Two club. A Zoopla search revealed he was the only person in Saddleworth to sell his property for less than he paid for it this decade. £1000 in this case.
Police were alerted to his disappearance when it became clear that his Linkedin profile had been hacked. “Professional Director” was amongst the absurd claims made whilst he also touted himself as an expert Consultant to the Football Industry — particularly at elite level.
Initial Police enquiries led Detective Inspector Roger Bull to the Crown Oil Arena. Initially he was frustrated by the absurd Bottomley Barrier preventing access, but he finally gained access to grill the club’s Board of Directors.
They too were concerned saying they’d heard nothing from the erstwhile employee and offered their unreserved help. When asked if they could supply the name of any person they thought may have had a hand in Bottomley’s disappearance, they dutifully handed over the club database of 3000 fans and a written note which said “a nutter from Essex. Two Rottweilers called Puggles and Jingles, a car dealer from Worksop, and a weird bloke who used to be on the Board at Charlton, plus some Scouse scally from the Wirral.
Bull was so astonished at there being so many potential assailants, that he immediately ordered the divers into the canal. An extensive search only resulted in two Kwik Save trollies and a few johnnies being found.
Following fruitless enquiries at Saddleworth Golf Club, Police discovered a burned- out Range Rover on the hills above Dobcross, so badly damaged they were unable to identify it via its V.I.N. number.
The BBC were told the Police then decided to interview the Essex wide boy who is currently £1.2 million pounds out of pocket due the the failure of the Bottomley ruse to squirrel 51% of the club’s shares into the hands of the Essex Kray.
When questioned, he referred to Bottomley as the “nancy boy who couldn’t give a door a bang” and said that whilst he was frustrated with events, he “should have realised Bottomley was too small-minded to be of any real significance”.
The Police received a tip-off that whilst sightings of Bottomley were rarer than those of the Great Crested Willow Tit, one thing could be sure. AFC Fylde had recently advertised for a new Chief Exec, and it was nailed on that Bottomley would have applied believing himself to be a shoe-in. A rare tit
A spokesman for Fylde confirmed this to be true, but the application had Fylde officials in stitches due to the exaggerations in his C.V. “We were going to keep it for its comic content, but we threw it away and with it went his contact details” the official chuckled.
Bottomley looks on in horror as Fylde Directors react to his C.V.
The Police also contacted the Rochdale RDA on whose Board Bottomley had once proudly sat. When revelations of Bottomley’s wrongdoings surfaced at The Dale his departure from this organisation was quickly hastened. No-one at RDA has heard of him since. One Director told the BBC, “I’m amazed we haven’t heard from him as he kept telling us he was going to improve communications.”
Police have advised women, should they spot the known-womaniser-Bottomley in a bar, or pub, to go to the bar and “Ask for Angela”.
This is a new initiative. Women who feel unsafe, vulnerable or threatened, can discreetly seek help by approaching venue staff and asking them for 'Angela'. This code-phrase will indicate to staff that they require help with their situation and a trained member of staff will then look to support and assist them.
Meanwhile the BBC understands the Police are urging the general public to keep alert, look out for Bottomley, and to alert the authorities if they see anything suspicious or unusual, like a middle-aged, smug looking tvvat hiding in a tree,
The higher they go, the harder they fall.
or a deranged man claiming to be something he clearly isn’t, wasn’t, or never will be.
Fans of crisis club bury were left reeling this morning when the Independent Press Standards Organisation (IPSO) ordered that all recent media reports on the demise of EFL club, bury FC, be ripped up and thrown away.
IPSO also ordered the BBC to redo all its coverage of the sorry saga taking into account the following:
1. Do not portray bury FC and its fans as victims;
2. Do not lay the blame exclusively at the feet of Steve Dale;
3. The EFL is blameless — please reflect this;
4. Do not give too much air-time to people on the club car park who are clearly not “all there”;
5. Do not distort numbers to paint a false picture.
The IPSO orders were immediately sent to the following BBC Press outlets - Jimmy Wigg at BBC Radio Matey and Todger Johnson and Annabel Sniffin at BBC North West Tonight.
EGP has been granted access to the next half-hour bulletin on bury FC designed to set the record straight by providing balance and context on events at Gigg Lane since the last Century, where the roots of the current crisis can be traced back to.
Sniffin and Todger were allowed a football economics expert in the studio to assist. Mr Goodwith Numbers was introduced and immediately declared an interest saying his brother Notgoodwith was a bury FC fan.
When invited to deliver his lengthy report, Numbers said, “You can trace this all the way back to the 1990s when bury FC, using stolen money via bent Chairman Hugh Eaves, bankrolled promotions to the second tier of the game.
“This was the worst thing you could imagine for the club as the supporters immediately believed their rightful place was in The Championship . When the Eaves money dried up, bury FC sank back to their rightful place in the fourth tier immediately.
“But, subsequent Chairmen, mindful of the clamour amongst a fan base of very limited intelligence, carried on spending well beyond their means.
“The most notable example was between 2006-2013, when they allegedly paid striker Andy Bishop £5000 a week. The player earned nearly £2m from the club and it was against the backdrop of this ridiculous spending, that the club was set to fold (yet again) in 2013.
‘1 in 3 men’ Andy Bishop
“Never fear, club jinx Neville Neville was on hand to announce bury FC would indeed fold unless ten local businesses stumped up £100,000 each with a return ‘guaranteed’.
“Whilst some businesses offered support, Neville pulled the plug saying even this wouldn’t keep the club afloat until the next season. Neville used his high profile in the media to get the story out there, not realising that if you hang a carcass out to dry, you attract vultures. It was naive of Neville, but he was still surprised when two lads walked in off the street asking to buy the club.
“Without doing any due diligence on Stewart Day and Glenn Thomas, Neville sold the club to these chancers. They immediately surrounded themselves with people who can best be described as dubious.
“Enter Perry Deakin, loathed in the Potteries. Enter Gisella Alberici with Specialist Expertise in Property and Asset Finance. Hardly the sort of people you want involved with a small parochial football club.
“At the outset, the new Chairman was making all the right noises, testing the ground. Looking back with hindsight, it is so easy to spot the feelers he was putting out for what he could get away with.
“I’ve unearthed video footage from 2013 of a Fans Forum in their Social Club where Day says, “You’ll get the truth from me” and also woos those present with an offer of free coach travel to Portsmouth.
“One gullible fan blurted out “well that’s worth a clap” and 150 people suddenly started clapping like smacked-up sea-lions in a circus. They had passed the Gullible Test with flying colours.
R11 bfc, Bullockallamos, skyblueshaker, and Shakerite show their appreciation at the forum
“No-one asked “Who’s paying for it?” Had they, the answer would have been the poor bastards at the coach company going from subsequent form, which shows Day used local businesses like mad, but without ever intending to pay any of them.”
Voice in Stewies head....‘If this cheque bounces its gonna make me look like a right c**t. Ahhhh f**k it!.... Smile for the camera Stewie, smile for the camera’
Numbers, by now well into his stride continued, “I’ve actually uncovered a messageboard thread from a rival club which has been rumbling on for about six years. In this is a detailed breakdown of all the misdemeanours of the Gigg Lane outfit. It should have sent alarm bells ringing amongst bury fans, the EFL and the FA, but no-one was interested back then. bury fans said those writing on the thread were ‘bitter’, ‘jealous’ and ‘obsessed’ instead of looking into what was actually being said.
“I tried to get some context from bury FC supporters and started with the Drain Diva, Joyless Hart, but she couldn’t stop going on about how bury FC were as big as United and City.
Joy and her spout, spouting
“I found another drain, Foreverbury’s Dave Guffard. He was full of smiles and very well meaning, but I just couldn’t help but think that somewhere, a village was missing an idiot. Although, to be fair, I think that when I speak to any of them.
“The last few years have seen the club massively overspend and had they bothered to publish accounts, I could give you examples.
“In the absence of figures, I’ll throw in the names Harry Bunn, James Vaughan, Stephen Dawson, Leon Clarke, Chris Eagles, Brian Jensen, and there will be other ex-Premier League and Championship players who will have been paid way above what this club could afford.
“To pay these players, Day took out huge loans, mortgaging the ground several times over. He sold off car park spaces at £10K each, promising a return.
“He sold tickets for a music festival called the BL9 Weekender. When investors and music lovers realised they might have been scammed and wanted a refund, these companies had suddenly ceased trading, leaving many people out of pocket. The fans meanwhile gloated and lauded it over clubs who spent within their means.
‘I’ve been waiting here five years and no sign of Coolio or the Happy Mondays’
“This led to a bizarre chat on the club car park with a fan oddly calling himself R11 bfc. Clutching a bottle of champagne, he said, ‘I don’t like to say, but I’ve been working 100 hours a week to save this club visiting messageboards all over the country to drum up support and sympathy.
“R11 bfc continued, ‘Disappointingly, a number of supporters of other clubs have little sympathy to give. I’m looking at Shrewsbury and Tranmere whose fans have the temerity to think we’re getting our just desserts. How dare they. Do they not know who we are?
“He added, ‘Anyway, I’m off for a pint at the Northern Whisper. There are some waiting on the bar for you which I bought the other Friday when I got carried away when it looked like we had been saved. I really am that stupid and gullible, aren’t I?’ R11 bFC in reflective mood yesterday
“Likewise there was a recent call for other EFL clubs to go on strike and boycott games until bury FC were reinstated. I get the impression that bury fans think the world revolves around them and they are infinitely more important than other clubs. Their fans have no collective remorse, or sense of guilt that the club has gone under, during their watch, and future generations will have to look towards Bolton or Rochdale for league football, probably Rochdale as Spotland is only one bus away.”
NEXT EDITION: Join EGP as we unearth the secrets behind the birth of bury’s new Pheonix (sic) club. Watch the steering committee plan out a massive new club with Navy Boy in charge of publicity. Wow! Listen to him let out a groan when plans for a 25,000 stadium are announced. “Are you alright Gordy?” asked Joyless.
“Yes Joyless. I’ve just felt something warm trickle down my leg. I hope it’s sweat.”
I watched your impromptu interview on the telly and before it started, I was full of admiration for what I would call a plucky old girl standing up for what she believes in.
With a fair mind, I listened intently to your thoughts and became astonished at your views, assertations and untruths that you spilled out with monotony.
Unfortunately, the immediate audience to which you speak, will choose not to take issue with you, but when it goes out live on the telly, you open up a much wider can of worms, perhaps unwittingly, but open nonetheless.
It goes without saying, that if you speak to a few hundred bury fans the IQ pool is going to be significantly below any normal average.
However, on a National level, you are being listened to by people of far greater intellect and common sense than you would typically expect to meet at Gigg Lane.
Bearing this in mind, I will take issue with a number of things you said or suggested in your two-minute spell in the limelight.
1. bury FC is not a big club. It is certainly not in the same bracket as the Manchester or Liverpool clubs as you suggested. If you graded the 92 clubs from top to bottom, bury would be in the bottom 20, whilst the Manchester and Liverpool clubs would be in the top 10. You shouldn’t come out with nonsense like this because some bury fans are so thick they will believe you, and therefore will adopt an even bigger swagger. You are misleading your public.
2. The town of bury will not die if bury FC goes bust. On the contrary, it will most likely do better as a local economy. Whilst the football club currently owes £115,195 to Bury MBC (and £148,533 to Trafford MBC), the local council has less money to invest in local services and local employment. This is bad for the town.
You claim that if the club dies, local businesses will be out of pocket as a consequence. Notwithstanding the scores of local businesses who are already out of pocket due to the club not paying its bills, the amount of money that actually goes into the wider town on matchdays is negligible.
Most, if not all monies spent will be taxed, with that money going to central government (eg alcohol duty). The knock-on benefits to the town from 500 visiting fans is tangible as 95% of their total spend will be in transport costs and costs at the stadium, none of which currently filter their way through in wages to staff or taxes to Bury MBC.
If you are going to fight bury’s plight on economic grounds, you need a brain, a business sense, and an emotional blackout on your football club.
Even if you had all three, you’d still lose the argument. Indeed, turning your argument around, if bury FC didn’t exist, just think how much more money bury fans would have to spend locally in businesses which do pay their way.
3. The plea to other clubs, who in your words are the same size as bury, to bail you out is laughable. Why should they? And why should bury be the sole recipient of charity in League One? If City give your club £1m then surely, to be fair, they should give the other 23 clubs £1m also?
4. Your protest was sadly marred by a Neanderthal attacking a door. Clearly this individual should have been left in the kiln 30 minutes longer before birth, perhaps even as long as an hour.
Whilst unconnected to you, it seemed his gripe was with your current owner not paying club staff and also with club staff who still choose to work for the club.
Given his difficulty in stringing a few words together, I might be wrong on that, but if I’m right, can you answer me this? What is the difference between bury FC not paying players for services rendered and not paying small businesses for services rendered?
Had the Neanderthal been from the Bolton and Bury Lads and Girls Club demanding his £2,100 they are owed, would you have been on his side? Most right-minded people would have been if you’re not sure.
5. Why do you and several other bury fans think that the world revolves around your club? It doesn’t. You are not a victim. You and the aggrieved fans are a consequence of doing fook all when it was blindingly obvious six years ago that bury FC was on its way to the wall on your watch.
There’s a very long thread on this messageboard which acts as a running commentary to the slippery slide into oblivion that your club has been journeying towards for many years. Given the evidence presented to bury fans over the last six years here and elsewhere, I have one really simple question for you.
WHERE WERE YOU AND YOUR HANDCUFFS FIVE YEARS AGO?
And whilst we’re at it, where was Neanderthal man? Where were the protesters? Where was Kenny? Where were all the stomach-churning sob stories who suddenly pop up like rats in a shit tip pleading innocence and mercy?
We’ve tried to help. We’ve tried to instil humility and responsibility into you and your club. We’ve played Devil’s Advocate, and yes, we’ve taken the piss at times and had a good laugh at your expense. As you have with us.
But, take off the bitter myopic glasses, look around and what do you see?
Fans of crisis club bury were left reeling this morning when it was announced that the Sports Minister, Mims Davies, has ordered a full investigation into the shadowy goings on at the Gigg Lane club over the last decade.
Unbeknown to the wider world, a tale of fraud, cheating and manipulation has been playing out, using the cover of historic football club, bury FC as a front.
The Government are keen to see that no other football club pursues this deceitful path to success and wants to ensure legislation is passed to prevent any of the other 91 Premier League and EFL clubs copying the old girl. Or indeed, the old girl doing it yet again should they overcome their current plight.
Codenamed operation ‘Overgrown Men’, Lord Justice Popplepail will leave no stone unturned as he seeks to establish how such a heist could take place in front of 3,000 paying customers, most of whom didn’t see a thing.
Speaking exclusively to EGP, he said, “I’ve drawn up a list of those I wish to interview, but it’s not going well.
“The catalyst, who is recorded on video abusing the trust held in him by fans to sell the customers a dud, is dead.
Unavailable for comment
“His missus, the erstwhile Club Sec, who must have known what was going on, has jumped the sinking ship.
“The front man has also disappeared. I’ve even been up to see his Mum, Doris, in Scammonden, but she says the last time she saw him was in Marks & Spencer in Prestwich stuffing himself stupid and buying meals for 2 when they were clearly just for himself.
“I’ve tried to find Glenn Thomas without success and there’s some dodgy Italian lawyer, Burio Caputsi, or something, who has got a lot to answer for, but she’s disappeared as well. It’s like Midsomer out there.
“Also on my list are several prominent fans and employees. I want to find out why the Media Manager and ex-navy semen, counter-signed the agreement to sell bury FC to Stewart Day. I want to find out why the Supporters Trust willingly gave their shares to a complete stranger. If Day wasn’t skint, I’d be thinking ‘back-hander’ here.
“Most of all, I want to find out why 3,000 customers saw journeymen like Tom Pope, Stephen Dawson, Harry Bunn, Leon Clarke, Jermaine Beckford, James Vaughan and Chris Eagles, although apparently he was ‘playing for free’, come into the club on long contracts, reputedly earning £5,000 per week. Anyone who can add 2+2 and get 4 could see that something was clearly amiss.
“However, I do suspect that fans of the old girl are numerically illiterate. They had a protest on Saturday at the ground. I saw a picture of it online with about 30 not-rights dotted about. Incredibly, they claimed that between 200-250 had turned up.
1....2....3....4....5...sh1t!.... stop moving about you dicks!
“I will also be turning my ire on local journalists who chose to suck up to the Revolution rather than ask pertinent questions.
“When the club’s promotional video announced ‘We’ve even got a Rooney’, where were the searching questions? I mean, La Maison down the road were on the ball ordering extra towels and Jonnies as soon as they heard the name.
“I want to know why Jimmy Wagg and the sycophants at Radio Manchester were happy to indulge Stewart Day and his acolytes. They just wanted to be mateys and not have to ask the questions you’d expect a journalist to ask. Actually, that makes more sense now…
“But, closer to home there are the fans, complicit in their cover-ups, chicanery and this rather outdated notion that ignorance absolves responsibility.
“I’ve been pointed in the direction of a messageboard which was very hard to join. Fortunately, my Masonic connections with the Police saw a nice man called Vin help me register and I’ve since been trawling through piles of complete shit to see if anyone on there is a normal person.
Beardymans Board yesterday
“On top of all that, there’s another fat bastard I need to talk to, but Chester Zoo said all bears were unavailable for comment, so I’ll have to use internet evidence to assess whether the wonderfully named Dale is here to help the stricken club or, as is suggested, wipe the septicaemic old hag off the face of the earth forever.
Steve Dale, Jill Neville and Matt Mcarthy - Happier times
“When I’ve done my final report, I’ll send you the first copy. Boris can wait — he’s busy trying to control another collection of mongs.”
Fans of crisis club bury FC were left reeling today when they found out that Stewart ‘Forever bury?’ Day has contacted EGP towers to ask them to construct the next press release regarding their new manager, even though it appears that the new man hasn’t even been chosen.
(As per our new feature press play whilst reading)
Early on Wednesday morning, we fielded the call from the plump pie-botherer. ‘I read your last EGP on that website that no bury fans ever read, and loved your writing style. So I was wondering if you’d write us a press release for when I choose the next Alex Ferguson’ he said in a soft Yarm accent. Never one to shy away from a challenge, the EGP writers were willing to help out our plucky neighbours and agreed. ‘You know what we are about here' continued the exuberant Day, 'We’re a bit like you lot but bigger and better like. Have you heard that we are moving grounds and going to build a 50,000 all-seater stadium in Summerseat?’
‘I’m not one for embellishing the truth so I want something to the point, which will keep our wonderful fans happy’, said podgy Stewie whilst snacking on crisps at the other end of the phone, (we’re guessing at Beef Monster Munch). We enquired if a new manager had been chosen yet. ‘We’ve now got 300 applicants to wade through but don’t you worry, we will select the right man to take us from 19th in League 1 to 6th this season.’
So our dedicated team toiled away creating the futuristic Press Release.
Plagiarism warning.
‘It is with great pleasure that Championship Club-elect bury FC announce that ********* is our new manager.
******** takes over from former special person David Flitcroft, sacked after unluckily conceding 15 goals in four matches whilst also equalling their winless record run of 12 matches. You can’t make allowances for poor referees you know!
‘******* is a dedicated individual who will not accept anything but the best for bury Football Club’ said chairman Stewart Day’. ‘We are hoping that ******* takes us to the next level’. 'He had received offers from other clubs at a higher level, but he has bought into what we are trying to achieve at this club and has committed his future to take us back to where we belong, the Championship.'
‘As soon as he saw our fantastic facilities at Carrington he couldn’t wait to get started as he knows he can attract players from all over the globe utilising our world-wide scouting network that I’ve put in place. The new carpets and sofa were also game changers in convincing ********* to sign on the dotted line.’
‘I knew the project would be difficult both on and off the pitch, but I promise to continue to work tirelessly to deliver the five-year plan.’
'All I can ask is that the fans come out on Saturday to give our new manager the support he deserves and start our march back up the league to the Championship and beyond.’
Meanwhile ******* said, “As soon as I met the Chur I knew he was a man I could do business with. His enthusiasm and ambition to drive bury back to the Championship is unquenchable, and his plans off the pitch to build a business model of a self-sustaining football club really caught my eye, as did his architect’s impression of their new ground which he’s knocked up in lego and it’s on his desk next to his Rubiks Cube.’
But where are the apart-hotels? And casino? And car park spaces? etc. etc
Mr Days rubiks cube yesterday which was unavailable for comment
******* continued ‘I’ve actually turned down the England job to come here, I’m that impressed with Mr Day’s vision.’
‘Also I was impressed with the budget I’ve been granted. It wouldn’t look out of place in the Championship, but The Chur assures me he is funding the project with his own wealth, gleaned from being on the Board of 49 different companies. This fella is clearly going places and I want to be on the same journey. He’s so committed to the club, he’s even asked me if he can join in with the training sessions which I’ve agreed to.’
Following our draft email, the excited porker phoned us immediately to praise our efforts. ‘Fantastic stuff lads, you’re much better than that oddball Gordon we have in the office. Actually, you’re nearly better than Glen who normally interviews me when I don’t want any difficult questions, and he always starts off by asking if he can ask me some questions'. We probed him further on if he was any nearer to making an appointment. ‘Not yet’, replied Day, ‘We have had further interest in the position, 2,000 people will take a lot of vetting. Anyhow, I’m taking training this morning, and I’m going to see how I get on. It can’t be that hard.’
Managers hand delivering their CV's at Gigg on Thursday.
As always, we asked Day what were his thoughts on the recent HMRC court case. ‘That got sorted last month’. When we reminded him that it was a new and different one, the tubby one had to terminate the conversation as he was, ‘just going into a tunnel’ and ended the call with, ‘ Speak to Glenny’.
We will wait and see if Stewie uses our press release once the fat fingered flabster has sorted his Pep’s from his Wenger’s, but we are confident that we will get the expected response from the usual bury fans to our this press release.
We contacted a deluded follower today and ran the release past him to see what he thought (we think it was a ‘he’). ‘Wow wow wow, what a great press release, is it Hill behind the asterisks? Or Hasselbank? It’s a refreshing change from the normal stuff coming from the club, regarding the manager. And Day, what a man! He’ll lead us to glory, he’s an astute business man. He’ll never take us to the wall’. Unfortunately we had to cut the interview short at that point as his carer intervened.
Starkies bar tomorrow.
Next week. New manager bingo. Will you get a full house with Stewie? Pick five phrases and if you get a full house with the drivel that comes out of the Chur’s mouth you win a special prize - A car park space at a special place in Greater Manchester.
Fans of crisis club bury were left reeling today after it emerged that everybody has it in for them.
Chub Chairman, Stewart Day admitted he was mystified at yet another winding-up order issued by HMRC, saying the tax bill wasn’t yet 30 days due and would be settled on time.
“HMRC seem intent on shutting a football club down to send out a message and it seems we are their preferred partner in this matter.....it's just not fair” the shifty boy said mid-tantrum.
'Its ok Stewie, mummy make it better'
In a further twist to the conspiracy theory, several fans were aghast at being chucked out of Gigg Lane at the recent Bolton match when loose change from their pockets mysteriously found its way into the away end where visiting supporters had the temerity to get in the way of the loose change, provoking cries of “It’s not our fault” from the home fans. Although a club official said it was the most actual hard cash injected into the club since Fat Stewie arrived in off the bury streets.
bury's accountant 'At least its not another loan'
EGP has also uncovered further evidence of the D.E.B.T. (Directive Effecting Bury's Team) campaign being waged when we received a call from someone who sounded suspiciously like The Chur.
However, it transpired it was Durham-based referee Geoff Eltringham, who was keen to pass on a memo he had received from David Allison from the Referee's Association. It read: “Can we remind all referees that if officiating a bury game, should a player go down in the penalty area being defended by bury, a penalty kick is to be awarded no matter how innocuous the incident looked. Care must also be taken not to get in the way of any loose change (now known as collateral) which may accidentally emanate from the pockets of the bury supporters.”
Naturally we were amazed at this, but Peter Bankes confirmed he too had received the same email just days before he was due to referee Rochdale v bury.
He said to us, “It was an easy penalty to give because it occurred on the Main Stand side of the penalty box, so I was out of range of the visiting supporters.”
Zach Clough/Matty Lund* yesterday (*delete as appropriate)
Just when it appeared things couldn’t get any worse for the cash-strapped outfit, local journalist David Conn (which isn’t a made up name) put in the national media a story confirming what had been suspected; that being that the plucky club was living beyond its means and had been doing for some time.
He wrote that the club have accumulated debts totalling £8.4m and the auditors have warned that bury FC is no longer a going concern. Given that supporters of bury cannot be arsed to ask the important questions, we hot-footed it to speak to their Chief Executive, Glenn Thomas.
Press play before reading further as it adds to the moment. Honest
From behind a Louis XVI Style Mahogany Partners desk (available from 1stdibs.com for £75,000) and sat on Saski Four series Humanistic Massage Chair (available from The Gym Company for a princely £3695.00) , he told us that whilst cash flow is always difficult at football clubs, they have received recently a six figure sum from Liverpool for a youth player and in any case, the projected losses in the next set of accounts are only £2.5m.
He concluded by ranting, “ What people need to realise is that if we hadn’t walked in off the street and invested £7m, this club would have folded three and a half years ago. So the club’s lived longer than it ought to have. And what really annoys me is some of our fans only focus on the negatives'. He paused briefly swivelled on his chair and stared at the port De La Trinite watercolour (£21,900), and inhaled deeply on a Hamlet cigar.
'Any more probing questions and the boys will have to... shall we say .... "deal".... with you'
'They always try to pick holes in this tremendous ride we are on. Often it is fans of other clubs who take it upon themselves with a ‘we know best’ attitude which is starting to annoy a lot of special people within the club. Special people who work and play for nothing, who put in considerable amounts of time and their own money and for what? To be ridiculed in the press and by keyboard warriors?”
We then realised we needed to hot-foot it to Huddersfield, and speak to the main man.
We arrived at Mr. Day’s mum’s house to be met by his mother, Doris. “Is Stewie in?” we asked. She replied, “He won’t be long, he’s just on the cake run.”
Ten minutes later, a breathless Stewie arrived carrying a box of five vanilla ices and four iced fingers, which we thought would be enough to get a normal family of three through not just the weekend but until next spring. A Milky Bar fell out of his coat pocket as he sat down asking us what was our business.
'Mum! I'm home'
We were surprised how breathless the chubster was given that he’d recently been mithering to join in with bury’s first team training and had even got his own training top with the letters SD stitched on above his left moob. It was rumoured that the training staff wanted to put 'FB' on his top, although Forever bury surprisingly told us it was nothing to do with them.
'Less drinky Tubs, get running'!'
Nevertheless, we presented him with our findings and ruefully - in a voice that sounded just like Geoff Eltringham - he told us that the strain of delivering the five year plan was taking its toll, but was still achievable due to the special person he had installed as Manager, the special pitch that he’d had laid, as well as the new special furniture and special carpets installed at the dilapidated Gigg Lane stadium.
“We won’t be there much longer either. It’s not fit for purpose so I’m going to build a new special 20,000 all-seater stadium complex which will include a special hotel and a special casino,” he added. We want to be known as 'special' club, who have 'special' fans
We couldn't argue with him there.
We said, “We’ve got one question and we want a yes or no answer. Is there a mystery, philanthropic, financial backer behind the scenes?”
Fans of crisis club bury were left reeling today after Rochdale residents caught sight of a bouncing cheque in the skies above Spotland.
The once proud club, dishonoured, surely not? Yep, a c**nts trick
The cash-stricken club were accused of not settling their debts with their near neighbour over ticket sales from their recent F. A. Cup clash at Spotland which they won 1-0 but according to Manager Keith Hill, it didn’t matter as the game was a “free hit”.
It has come to light that clubs across the country are owed money by financially — challenged bury and as the fingers started to be pointed accusingly in the direction of Gigg Lane the curtains were drawn and a fat youngster was seen scrambling into a rusty Austin Allegro which headed off towards the M62 Westbound.
Following hotly in pursuit, EGP legged it over Rishworth Moor knowing the chubster would be seeking refuge at his Mum’s house in Bradley, betwixt Huddersfield and Mirfield.
'Hit the gas fatty'. Stewie heads for the hills
We even jumped the lights at the Cooper Bridge roundabout such was our haste to pin down lardy in an attempt to extrapolate the truth and Dale’s cash from the shyster.
Imagine our surprise when we approached the front door to find it swinging open and our quarry was cornered by an aggressive looking Yorkshireman who was demanding back the 50p he’d lent lardy at school some ten years ago. Billy Briggs was standing his ground and wasn’t going until he’d been paid back. In full.
Sheepishly the young chubster fished his hand down the back of his Mum’s couch before producing a few old coins which just about covered his debt to Briggs.
'No I don't want a f**king car parking space, I want my f**king 50p'
Once this debt was settled we dived in. “Oi you cucking funt. Where’s Dale’s cup money?”
Our tenor was hardened by our annoyance that this slimey, rubbery lump was stealing our money to cover his losses elsewhere.
Speaking in a Spennymoor accent Day said, “I’m aware that we are in difficulties, but I’m taking steps to raise the £20,000 odd that we owe to Rochdale Football Club. I’m aware we also owe other clubs including Oldham, so I’m in the process of organising a fund-raiser to raise enough money to pay off our debts.”
We were a bit surprised by this revelation and couldn’t resist leaning forward to enquire what he had in mind.
“Well we’re having a bury-Aid concert to be held at Brookfields National Stadium in Sierra Leone. It holds 45,000 people and given that we’ve got David Bowie headlining, we reckon we’ll sell out. We’re offering tickets to bury fans at £200, but if they want they can upgrade to a £250 ticket. This means they can attend our annual Fans Forum an hour before the concert.
Joined up corners and everything. If you squint you'll see a PC World
“We currently hold the world record for the distance between club and Fans Forum venue having had our last Forum in Spain, but Flicker is always looking to push back the boundaries further so he insisted we move away from just little old Europe and take the bury brand to Africa. So I have. Plus we are scouting a player called E Bola, he was headline news here last year. Our international scouting doesn't stop because of a little financial hardship you know?'
Deadly in the box... apparently.
“We estimate bury-Aid will raise £9m which will be enough to pay off our debts and see out the contracts we’ve given to Pope, Clarke L, Lowe, Clarke P, and it’ll enable me to pay back that Fenton character who’s been hassling me for £66,000 since the day I walked in off the street and saved the strapped club who, I was told, was 24 minutes from going to the wall.”
“I’ve got other ideas to raise money too. We’ve found a lot of batteries and golfballs in the stadium, and we’re going to let bury fans sponsor these items which we always recycle when we play Rochdale.
“Investors are guaranteed a return within five years and they’ll be helping to save the planet each time they hurl one at a visiting supporter.”
The property front-man was cut off mid flow as his Mother, Doris, called out “Stoow. Tha tea’s reyht for thee naa.”
Nothing comes between Mr Day and his food and he was off like shit off a shovel to the kitchenette, only pausing to tuck a doily under his chin before displaying a Yorkshire version of Man Versus Food.
Fans of crisis club bury were left reeling last Saturday evening as it emerged the mid-Cheshire Constabulary were inundated with complaints following bury’s plucky 3-3 draw away at Crewe Alexandra.
EGP went to Crewe to talk to the officer handling the case codenamed ‘monggate’. PC Kevin Whitewell was only too happy to bring us up to date saying, “this is a juicy case for us and we will bring the perpetrators to book. People must surely know in 2015, that you can’t go to a football match and hit someone just because you have a rubbish defence.”
He showed us an email which was sent in at 5.30pm from a Mr. Des Gusting which said, “I have been watching bury FC for 30 years and never have I seen behaviour like it. Our manager at the end of the match was walking towards the away end presumably to thank us for our support when some fans went beserk and made as if they were going to punch our Manager in the face. Fortunately, the real bury fans nearby were alert to this, and they punched the would-be punchers before they could land a single blow on our manager. Some of them might have had a little too much punch before the match, but that is no excuse for this type of yobbish behaviour.”
bury fans didn't ask this... but they should.
PC Whitewell told us “off-air” that his initial enquiries had led him to realise that bury was still stuck in the 1980s and you could be just as likely to catch AIDS as be punched by a football hooligan there.
Whitewell then showed me the Manager’s statement in which was said, “Flitcroft says he marched over to the travelling Bury supporters, sitting on the opposite side of the ground from the dugout, to assure them he would find a winning formula. But the Shakers boss said it turned nasty when three out of 780 started to confront him. The trouble was over almost as soon as it began, with supporters loyal to the manager taking the matter into their own hands. Punches were thrown as Flitcroft was led away and he said he was shaken by the incident. "I don't agree with it," he said. "I am going over there to speak to the fans to say 'listen, we will get this right'.
Whitewell continued saying, “I’ve got 777 witnesses to get round, and we’ve got the CCTV from the away end, so I don’t think monggate will take too long to solve.
As EGP was driving back from Cheshire, word came through that the local trading standards officers are also investigating the chaotic club. After re-setting the sat nav for Duke Street, bury we quickly arrived at Trading Standards HQ and were shown in at once.
Allegations that the club are selling tickets for an event that might not happen reared its head once again following the ill-conceived idea to host a concert during the summer was cancelled, but not before some tickets were sold.
On September 23rd 2015, the club will launch a 5-a-side tournament where supporters can enter a team to play against bury’s players at Carrington and experience what it’s like to be a professional footballer for a day. Teams will be a maximum of 8 persons, and the price per team is £800 + Vat, all food and beverages to be provided throughout the day, and personalised tops and luxury travel to Carrington on 2 coaches. Approximate timings for the day are 8:30-16:00.
The Trading Standards officer, Mr Mike Welsh told us that were bury to beat Leicester in Round Two of the League Cup, then the players would be busy that mid-week as the round 3 matches will have to be played. “It is highly illegal to sell tickets for any event with the knowledge that the event might be cancelled. They should, at this stage, ask for letters of intent, and not take any money until they know they can deliver the goods advertised.”
Meanwhile, the club also faces a probe from the Advertising Standards Authority ASA after they were found to be advertising their forthcoming match against Leicester as “come and see the Premier League leaders at the JJB stadium”. At the time of the advert, Manchester City had to play away at Everton where just a draw would see the Sky Blues overtake The Foxes at the summit of the Premier League. Our ASA mole, a Mr Stan Ellis told us, “this is a flagrant breach of advertising law. They should have billed the match to be against one of the leading teams in the country, but they’re clearly trying to con the bury public into paying for something that might not exist.”
A Slump in August?
After finishing up on Duke Street, we legged it round to Gigg Lane to put all this to bury’s chubster Chairman, Stewart Day. Even though we just walked in off the street, Stewie was delighted to see us again and bade us into his recently refurbished office which he told us, in a mild Northallerton accent, was the second best office outside the Premier League.
We squared things with him: “look Stewie. Why are you taking bury fans for mugs? Everything you touch is then clouded with mystery. Pitch renovations. Appartments. Car parks. Concerts. An expensive back four. Loans. Borrowing. Long player contracts. Fans Forums abroad. Where will it all end?”
The plump churman looked uncomfortable as he unwrapped a milky bar before saying, “look, this club was only 24 hours from extinction when I walked in off the street and saved them. Since then I’ve restored the place and am on target to deliver Championship football back to the town which is where this passionate fanbase deserves to be. Who really cares where the money is coming from? It doesn’t matter. Look at the carpets, the furniture, the league position we’re in, and you could argue I’m getting a lot more right than I am wrong. It’s a lonely task, but I said I loved football and I’ll prove how much to the wonderful 777 who were there at Crewe. I didn’t see the other three.”
Fans of crisis club bury were left reeling last night as it emerged they have invested £150,000 into a cowboy pitch company.
Danny 'Major' considering his future might be better away from Gigg Lane
EGP received secret documents showing that Huddersfield-based Paddy O’Field Sports Management had been paid a significant sum to rip out the old knackered Gigg Lane pitch, install drains and build a new fibre sand, laser-levelled pitch to be ready for the big kick-off in August.
EGP decided to drive up to have a word with Paddy and found his company on the Sandpits Industrial Park in Milnsbridge, Huddersfield.
'I also build hotels, so I do'
Rather than go in ourselves, we hired that little bald Cockney chap Dominic, who, along with the still irresistible Melinda Messenger, investigates Cowboy Traders for Channel 5.
EGP has since seen transcripts of Dominic’s findings and initially he posed as a Director of a Southern club looking to hire Paddy to sort out Orient’s pitch.
Paddy was reluctant to take on work so far away, citing his most recent jobs had been at bury and Blackpool.
Melinda, meanwhile, found two former employees of the rogue outfit who were willing to blow the whistle on Paddy’s fraudulent behaviour, as they were still both owed two month’s wages.
They said, “Last May, Paddy was over the moon. He’d landed two clubs who both wanted new pitches. He even took on extra temporary labour.
“Anyway the plan was simple. Dig up Bloomfield Road and Gigg Lane at the same time and swap the two pitches round, creating the impression both clubs were getting a new pitch.
“Bury were quite keen on having a load of sand in their pitch though. You should have seen the funny looks we got from passers-by one morning when we were on Blackpool beach filling the wagon with free sand.
“Anyway, it turned out that Blackpool and Bury’s pitches were exactly the same size so it was quite easy laying them out again, although care was needed to insert the sand into bury’s pitch. It’s quite appropriate really. That sand will feel really at home as they’ll still have a load of donkeys charging around on it.
Being taken for a ride?
We wouldn't have got away with it this summer as I've heard they're having loads of concerts, so our scam would have been spotted by that nice Lisa Standfield."
Melinda was on a mission to drum up local businesses to save the Shakers’ pitch, but unusually for this programme, everyone told her to ‘fook right off’.
Armed with our evidence, EGP sent delegates off to Stewie’s Mum’s house to have a word with the fresh-faced plumpster. On arriving in Scammonden, Doris advised us Stewie had just popped out for some milk, but “come in anyway, I’m doing a pot of tea.”
Stewie soon returned, breathless, clutching a bottle of semi-skimmed and moments later Doris plonked a pot of tea on the table. Stewie pulled his face saying, “Aw Mum, you’ve used the wrong tea cosy. You know I prefer the all white one and not the white and blue one.”
A blue and white tea cosy at a Scammonden jumble sale yesterday
As Doris changed the tea cosy, we presented Stewie with our findings. Expecting him to fly off the handle, the young entrepreneur said in a soft Redcar accent, “I promised everyone a Championship pitch and that’s what I’ve bought.
“Anyway, I’m keeping a low profile at the moment until after our GM where I will have to reveal 7 figure losses. You should see our Championship dressing room. People from other clubs are visiting us to see the cutting edge facilities, you know, like a flip chart, a plasma screen fitted on the wall and a felt tip pen. It’s not an ordinary felt tip pen, it’s a Championship one.”
We then showed Stewie the transcript of the Wycombe manager’s post-match interview and we’d highlighted the bit where he said that bury are going to need to spend some money on the pitch to get some work done to it, just so it will enable them to complete their fixtures for the season. We even highlighted it using our League One Stabilo Boss fluorescent marker.
“I can’t believe an opposition manager has said that about us. Isn’t he aware of our League Two history?”
We pressed Stewie on where the funds had come from to synchronise forking out £150,000 for a ‘new’ pitch, as well as additional funds to put right the botched job.
“Wah-hay, that’s easy that is. We’ve flogged off all our car parking spaces at £10,000 a berth. You wouldn’t believe how many gullible people will spend £10,000 on a little strip of tarmac. You know the old saying....a fool and their money are easily parted. Luckily for me, burry has passion and fools in abundance.”
We also couldn’t let the opportunity pass by to ask Stewie why bury were having to play their games in League Two when they are already a League One club?
He actually sounded a bit pissed off when he said, “Where are the Soho three when you need them? We’re missing out on so much gate revenue because League One is very Northern centric. Look at Rochdale, they’ve got a higher average attendance than us, but we’ve got more fans and we only charge £15 to get in.
“It’s really costing us, but at least we’ve invested in a promotion-winning squad that’s full of synergy, so next year the gamble will have paid off and the Football League will let us play League One fixtures.”
Yes, Stewie. “What does synergy mean?” He replied, “I’ve no idea, but Flicker keeps using the word so it must be clever and that.”
Preston fans: Concentrate more on supporting your own players instead of getting all billy big balls with taunting the opposition supporters. Give it a try, and your team might respond better.
Fans of crisis club, bury, were left reeling in turmoil following the announcement that The Shakers had swooped to re-sign former bucket, Tom Kennedy from League One Rochdale.
The signing prompted mixed reactions from supporters of the debt ridden outfit, especially after The Revolution launched a series of billboard advertising around the salubrious suburbs of the City.
Several fans felt Kennedy should follow Ched Evans' example, and issue a formal apology for his goal celebration at Spotland when neighbours Rochdale thumped the woeful Gigg Lane outfit 3-0. (Ched Evans is apologising for a rape for which he has also served time).
The reaction on the Big bury message board has left club staff scratching their heads in bewilderment. They expected that signing a proven League One player from more illustrious neighbours would have gone down well. Instead the opposite appears to be the case.
Further investigation revealed the general mood....
“Wish we could lose the Barnsley and Rochdale link totally”
“Some of the crowd’s reaction could be interesting”
"Adams got away with it, I don't think Tom will be so lucky"
“Lots of our fans couldn't stand him long before that game”
“When you score against your former employees then a modicum of respect is normally a given , to run the length of the pitch cupping his ear was at best classless and at worse senseless , I think an apology would be needed for many before he can creep back in under the radar”
“I am not sure what he has done in the past 3/4 years to suggest that he is still a top player”
“Totally underwhelmed with this”
“Never rated him and dont really feel happy about him signing”
“I wouldn't describe him as a proven left back. His career has been going backwards for a few seasons now”
“Never rated the guy and am gutted he is back”
“We do, I assume, see ourselves at this stage to be a 1st division club. Why are we signing a player who cannot get into a 1st division club?”
"I really hope we don't go back to the Blackwell days of constantly signing cast offs from inferior clubs!"
And so the debate rumbles on. Is a League One player good enough to play for a club, that is at this stage, a League One club? Despite having to play their fixtures in League Two, they are actually classed as League One.
EGP has sent a dossier on this remarkable and unfair situation to The Football League with a demand that bury are immediately elevated to League One.
Meanwhile everyone at EGP Towers thanks TK for his efforts and wishes him every success with the rest of his career.
We've had a great response from Dale fans! Keep them coming in on the pm's. We think there was some confusion on the top tips thread. These letters/top tips are your writings....
Dear Editor,
I wonder if any of your readers had a worse day than me when we lost at home to Bradford. When I got home, my home wasn’t there! It had been smashed by a big white ball and was lying all over the floor. Beat that for bad luck.
Ms. A Bird, A Tree, Denehurst Park.
Dear Editor,
I don’t know what they feed the players at Spotland or what sports drinks they pour down the players’ throats, but it’s playing havoc with my husband’s hair. Can you have a word (with him)?
Mrs T Kennedy, Greenmount
Dear Editor,
I’ve found a set of fans more deluded than bury’s! Did they really think they were getting a prolific goal scorer for just £15,000?
G. Donnelly, Birkenhead
Dear Editor,
At the recent Walsall JPT match I was astonished to find the Sandy Lane turnstiles were closed, meaning I had to sit in Pearl Street. When it comes to stand closures, why don’t they shut the Main Stand and make the moaners and Directors stand up behind the net? They’ve never thought of that I bet, but then again, it’s one rule for one Dale fan, and another rule for other Dale fans.
Jim Delsey, Hamer
Dear Editor,
I was alarmed at paying £1.50 for my JPT Walsall matchday programme. The 16 page issue works out at a whopping 9p per page. However, the league issues cost £3, meaning the 76 page issue works out at less than 4p per page. Surely, the Walsall programme should therefore have cost me 63p? I won’t be buying another JPT programme this season, but I’d like to add that the League programme is excellent value for money in comparison.
Mr T Vos, Littleborough
Dear Editor,
I visited Spotland for the first time ever recently, when my team, Bristol City earned a point in a 1-1 draw. I’ve been in your neck of the woods before when we’ve played at bury, Oldham, and Stockport. Imagine my surprise to find a really well run little club with a decent playing surface. It made a really nice change from previous visits to other clubs in your locale.
Tony Robin, Bristol
Dear Editor,
In response to Tony’s letter, I think he’s talking rubbish. Stockport don’t have a football club. Or they didn’t last time I looked.
Mr J Cooke, Cleckheaton
Dear Editor,
I noticed in a recent Observer, a picture of Rochdale Town in action. I was surprised to see they were wearing Dale’s kit, even with the same sponsor and crest as Dale wear. This has to be in breach of the rules? Also, if Dale drew Rochdale Town away in the FA Cup, the game would be switched to Spotland, but who would wear which kit? This hasn’t been thought out very well has it?
Mr. Smith, Norden
Dear Editor
I was delighted to have the Sandy Lane End of the ground all to myself at the recent JPT game v Walsall. It was a clever ruse of mine to put it out that the end was going to be closed to store new floodlight equipment when in reality it was just me being selfish.
Mr U Kip, Skipton
Dear Editor
Why did the half-time challenge not take place at the recent home game v Barnsley? Don’t Dale fans want to win wood vouchers or something?
Yours
J Stone, Glasgow
Dear Editor
I keep getting a lob-on when I see bury have had a bigger attendance than Rochdale. I've even taken to posting on the Rochdale message board to wind them up about it. It amuses me whilst I’m watching basement division football, and helps me chill out, and feel better about myself, after losing to Wimbledon.
P Dale, Mongville
Dear Editor,
I moved from The Sandy to the Main Stand for the Walsall JPT game. God it was awful. No leg room, boring people behind me. And that tannoy is so loud it nearly blew my wig off. What a terrible experience it was. Can they not turn the speakers down so we are spared a horrible Manc voice and even worse music? I couldn’t bear it in there every match. Mr F. N. Season
Thanks to all for 'pming' us your top tips. Here's a selection....
Shit football strikers - claim dubious goals by holding your arms aloft and running towards your supporters in a confident fashion... Kissing the badge helps.
R Lowe, Scouseland
Hitch hikers - avoid costly court appearances by saying 'thanks for the lift' when leaving the car that you have gained a lift with.
N. Neville, Larkfield Close, bury
Tranmere fans - earn extra income by hanging around behind the end you're attacking, and collect footballs put there by your new striker.
Mike Mitre, Birkenhead (was Passmonds)
Football League Hierarchy - Free space on your fixture computer by deleting all Division Two fixtures after October. This will save other clubs time and money, as it's evident we know who the Champions are already.
R Shaker, Greenmount.
Bradford / Rotherham fans - Pile on the pounds in the summer so when you visit opponents grounds you all have to take up two seats. Then you can truly brag that you have filled your away allocation.
C. Cúnter, County Tipperary
New Football Club Chairman - endear yourself to your new fans by pronouncing the club you have just taken over incorrectly, even 18 months into your tenure.
Master S. Day, Scammonden.
Stadium Company Chairman - profess to have no knowledge of future Rochdale AFC approaches to buy the stadium outright, by unplugging all phones, computers and TVs, stick your fingers in your ears and shout loudly 'la, la, la, la ....I can't hear you', so you can genuinely say you weren't aware.
Mr A Brett, Town Hall
Investment opportunists - don't waste money on the stock exchange, ISA's or risky business ventures. Send 10k to us and you get a 7ftx12ft bit of Tarmac in North Manchester. Honest gov' it's a right good earner... You won't be sorry.
Principle International, Surrey
Householders - get those expensive every day bills paid by moving in to Spotland stadium and ignore all those red reminders by getting others to pay.
M. Wynn, Boardroom, Spotland Stadium.
New Football Club Chairman - endear yourself to the fans by promising monthly forums and an AGM. Curry favour even further by holding one 12 months later, abroad and an AGM over a year late and counting....Oh and hold the AGM on the moon.
Mr S Day, Scammonden
bury fans - get into the swing of the revolution and save yourself money. Instead of paying £15 to get in, just pay £1.50.
Following a busy day in the EGP sorting office we can now bring you a selection of supporters' concerns of all things Dale.
To those who cannot see their own letters published, we're saving them for next time. As ever, if anyone has a grievance, suggestion or comment to make, just pm the EGP account.
We are also seeking to pinch another VIZ idea with the launch of our Top Tips. Again, any supporter with a good tip can pm the EGP account.
Dear Editor,
I have noticed recently there are quite a lot of very pretty ladies in the Sandy Lane on matchdays. Is there a football equivalent of the Mile High Club? Instead of kicking for wood in the half-time contest run by Taggart, perhaps contestants could achieve wood by being able to select a Sandy Lane filly for a quicky behind the pie stand! This would certainly encourage me to apply to hit the crossbar. Also, it could be an additional prize on the Golden Gamble. It’s time the club started thinking inside the box.
Ron Jeremy, Falinge
Dear Editor,
For the last few seasons, the logos and labels have all peeled off the replica shirts I lovingly buy in the Club Shop. Why don’t Carbrini and Fila save themselves some time and money by not putting them on in the first place?
Mr E. N. Smith, Salford
Dear Editor
I have booked on the coach for this Saturday’s match at Leyton Orient. The pick-up times are advertised as Littleborough approximately 7.13am, Town Hall at approximately 7.31am and Spotland at approximately 8.02am. If the coach takes half-an-hour to get to Spotland from the Town Hall, how the hell is it going to get to that London for 3pm? Based on my Maths, by 3pm, we’ll be lucky to have got past Huddersfield!
M Davies, Spotland
Dear Editor,
I have read with alarm that the rugby club have given their shares to the Rugby Football League. Are shares an actual document, a certificate which proves ownership? If so, I’m sure the club could find a local thief and employ them to pinch the certificate back from the rugby offices. Once we’ve got that parchment, the old rule of being in possession is nine tenths of the law, is it not?
S Danzcuk, London
They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Surely it would be cheaper for the club to buy a sack of apples every week rather than employing all these fitness coaches and physios? The Manager really isn’t thinking this through very carefully.
Mr C Dunphy, Rochdale
Dear Editor,
My good friend Oliver, and I, follow bury football club. Although we are in a lower division than you, we take great delight at the fact our crowds are bigger than yours. It’s incredibly satisfying to us all, and gives us all big lob ons in the Cemi End.
Mr P Dale, Ramsbottom
Dear Editor,
Thank God the matchday announcer screams out “Rochdale Football Club” as Dale emerge for the second half. After listening to the half-time ‘entertainment’, it’s quite easy to forget where you are, or who you’ve come to support. Sometimes I’ve wondered if I’m at Tannadice or Love Street. Well done tannoyman.
Mr. D Moresweet, India
Dear Editor,
At a recent home game I was surprised at the confusion on the terraces about what both sides were called. Both sets of supporters kept singing “Who are you?” to each other. May I suggest the club uses the fixture board on the corner of Willbutts Lane and Sandy Lane. Simply place it on top of that wall and turn it round so it’s facing the supporters. Not only would this lead to much less confusion, it would also remind the club to keep the Fixture Board up to date.
Since our appeal to revive our erstwhile feature, the EGP inbox has received a number of letters. We'll try and publish monthly, so if you have anything you want to get off your chest, then feel free to email us stating your name and vague location. The best letters will be published, and contributors will receive an EGP gift.
Dear Editor,
There’s a lot to be said for watching game shows. Until I watched Pointless, I had no idea Bury had won the FA Cup.
Charles Regina, Windsor
Dear Editor,
I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in Dale away matches evolve over the last few seasons. When we are winning by a single goal, the 4th official always signals 4 minutes of added time, despite the number of goals, substitutions or injuries. If however we are trailing by a single goal, there is only ever 2 minutes added on despite the number of goals, substitutions or injuries. Yet again it’s one rule for Dale and another for the other clubs.
Jim Delsey, Hamer
Dear Editor,
I was driving down Kingsway the other day and noticed a pub called The Hornet. Surely it should be The Rochdale Hornet, or did the pub company go bust and have to reform under a different name? I think Greene King should be more transparent with us.
William Morrison, Kingsway
Dear Editor,
When away fans sing “Rochdale’s a shithole, I want to go home” you can only imagine they have arrived by train and have walked through town to the ground. They will have seen a number of doorways are being used by homeless people to sleep in, and will have also noticed the empty cans of cider, and fag ends littered around. If these homeless people tidied up a bit on Saturday mornings, then surely we wouldn’t hear the aforementioned song as often?
Nathaniel West, Town
Dear Editor,
We’ve got Ebola screamed my mate down the phone. Imagine my relief when I later read we’d re-signed Dele Adebola for a nominal fee.
Neil Edmonds, Milnrow
Dear Editor,
I have been disappointed with this year’s home shirt design. The Dale crest is 1mm smaller in diameter than last year’s shirt, yet we have been charged £1 more this season. Yet again, it is the fans who are being ripped off.
M. Thackeray, Norden
Dear Editor,
Why is it not permitted for fans to enter Spotland with a pie from the chippy? It seems so unfair. Last week, I bought a pie in the Sandy Lane kiosk and ate it sitting on the wall outside the chippy. No-one batted an eyelid.
Mr Holland, Accrington
Dear Editor,
I visited that famous old ground Gigg Lane the other day, and was dismayed to find some scaffolding on one of the stands. For such an old club, you’d think they’d have got the roof fixed by now. Another sad reflection of the “rip-off Britain” building trade I suppose.
R Shaker Whitefield
Dear Editor,
I was dismayed to hear our star striker, George Donnelly, has been sold to Tranmere. Over the last year, I’ve built up a nice sideline by spending matches in Denehurst Park. I can get £50 for a hardly used matchball. On a good day, I’d be earning over £100. I’m not sure I can carry on with my sideline now though, as it would mean having to buy a boat.
Fans of crisis club bury were left reeling today following an investigation from the Football League, who were concerned that the stricken club had simply given up on ever holding their AGM. Deadline after deadline has elapsed, with spurious excuses offered as to why “at this particular time for legal reasons” the meeting cannot take place.
It has come as a blow to supporters of the basement outfit, who were keen to inspect the new carpet, furniture, and posters of footballing greats that their new Chairman had put up.
Fans were also left scratching their heads about who actually owns the club and the shares. Little information was available about whether Stuart Day, their new Chairman, had actually had his cheque book on him when he walked in off the street during the Summer of 2013. Furthermore, a large chunk of the shares in the club are held by Forever bury, the Trust outfit who are run in a portakabin on the Gigg Lane car park.
Oh the irony.
EGP decided to send out several investigators even though leads were in short supply.
A chance meeting in a local pub led to one fan insisting he had written to the club asking pertinent questions. He said, “it were that good a letter what we wrote, the bury Times published it. But we’ve heard nowt back since. All we want to know is who owns the club and where is the money coming from.”
EGP’s legal arm received a tip off that answers maybe forthcoming from a Solicitors outfit in Manchester operating under the name of Ratio Law (We know that sounds like some Tekken character on the PS4 game, but we thought we’d follow the tip anyway). We hopped on the Metrolink to quiz partner, and bury Director, Gisella Alberici. We even took along the bloke who used to help out the Southampton Manager on Match of the Day last season, just in case.
After negotiating a very prickly receptionist we were finally admitted into a meeting room and were faced with a mastermind chair facing away from us. As we sat down the chair rotated to face us and we have to admit we were surprised to see Ms. Alberici stroking a lovely pussy.
A prickly pussy?
She hissed at us, “I was expecting you EGP...why are you poking your noses into things that are not your business? Are you obsessed?” We explained that we were operating on behalf of the loyal bury fans who were impotent in their quest for answers.
We asked why the AGM was being continuously postponed and delayed to the point that most fans had decided they weren’t going to bother with one at all. To be fair, she gave a detailed answer. “We cannot have the AGM until we’ve sold off all the car parking spaces. When we’ve flogged all them, we still won’t be able to have one as there will be nowhere for the fans to park. I bet that fan in the pub didn’t tell you we had a Fan’s Forum in the summer. We held it in Tenerife so they could get a nice tan at the same time.’
“Before we publish any figures, we do need to attract further investment however. Number 1 (who we assumed meant Stuart Day and not someone called Bradley either) has got another investment opportunity he’s quite literally about to roll out. For £4,995 fans can own a single sheet of toilet paper which they can lease out time and time again. With all the shit that bury fans come out with, they’ll make at least an 8% return and in five year’s time, when their little square of paper can’t take anymore shit, we’ll buy it back off them for £5,495. Our game is extortion. Number 1 will be able to give you more details.”
Like printing money...
With that in mind, EGP hot-footed it through Newhey, over the hills and into Huddersfield to Doris’ house in Scammonden. Unfortunately Stuart was out. His Mum said, “he’ll be back in a bit. He’s got into a bit of trouble at school, he’s doing detention. Apparently he’s been lending money off his school mates and not giving it them back.”
We waited patiently, and sure enough, the plumpster popped up wearing his school uniform and sporting a black eye.
We ignored his injuries and cut straight to the point. “Is there to be an AGM in bury?”
In a soft Bishop Auckland accent he replied, “No. There’s a B, a U, a R and a Y. There’s definitely no A, G or M.”
We tried again “No Stewie, An AGM, this ain’t a spelling test...”
“Another Ground Mortgage?.... Master Day replied.
Realising, that we had to deal with the lowest common denominator here, we tried again. “Is there going to be an Annual General Meeting at Bury Football Club this year?”
Breaking into a smile Mr Day exclaimed, “Wahay man. You’ve come all this way to ask me that?”
We explained that we’d only come 15 miles and we would have written, but thought we wouldn’t get an answer.
With the question remaining unanswered, there was an awkward silence of 2 minutes where everyone just stared at each other.
The silence was broken when the young entrepreneur exclaimed, “Did you see our second goal at Carlisle? What a corker. One of the Carlisle Directors told me we were the best team to have visited Brunton Park. Ever.”
We tried to pin the excitable Chairman down. (Not physically obviously, he’s a big lad you know). “Where is the money coming from for this Revolution?”
“Oh. That’s easy. We’re attracting significant investment from our car park. I had a meeting with Nick Leeson yesterday, now he’s out of prison, and he’s coming on board to attract fund Managers to invest people’s pensions in the car park. We plan on selling off the toilet paper too, and then we’ll look at the sauce bottles and the pint pots...everything...for instance we are really excited about our SOS scheme which we expect to introduce next January... The Share Our Sugar plan, we expect to be a real generator of cash. Plus there are other significant sponsorship deals we have attracted, like naming the ground the JD Stadium, it’s not the sports company that has taken up the deal you know, it’s a loan company call Just Debt. And there’s all these concerts we’re going to host. Plus, I’ve been told there’s some boxer fellow, Jez Quigley I think, who’s pretty good, so he’ll need a big famous old venue to stage his fights.
A Jim McDonald rematch at Gigg? A Rumble in the Giggle?
When he sees our new furniture and our joined up corners, he’ll be hiring the place out every time he has a scrap. I’m sure he’ll choose The Just Debt stadium over piddly little places like the MEN arena and the City of Manchester stadium..... We’ll even let him use the scoreboard, and our car parking spaces... obviously.”
Apparently, not enough car parking spaces.
And so, a dejected EGP team reconvened to EGP Towers to dissect the information we had gathered. Despite sending our best reporters, they had been unable to actually get to the bottom of what the hell is going on at the stricken club. At every corner, smoke and mirrors were used plus bigger deflections than the one which cost their League One neighbours a deserved point at Bramall Lane.
If the AGM ever does happen, our undercover team will be on hand to record it with one of those cameras stuffed in a JD bag (yes, the sports company) like what Donal MacIntyre used to use.
Fans of crisis club bury were left reeling today following an investigation from the Football League, who were concerned that the stricken club had simply given up.
With ‘PP’ appearing alongside bury seemingly every Saturday and Tuesday, the FL were contacted by the Pools Panel who were complaining of an increased workload due to bury’s inability to get games on, either home or away.
The investigation was alarmed to hear that bury think there is a hidden agenda being waged against them by Mother Nature in order to prevent them fulfilling their fixtures, resulting in an inevitable relegation.
The FL obtained an interview with current Chairman Stewart Day, recently turned 32, and a property developer by trade, who commented on Shakers World after a postponed game in December that machinery and equipment was booked in to prevent future postponements from occurring.
EGP has obtained a copy of the receipt of this ‘order’ and it transpires the club ordered a fork from B&Q. They did not purchase water-hogs and verti-drains as is the norm in the North West.
EGP sensed that something just wasn’t right with the JD hierarchy and decided to hire Andy Coulson to see if further evidence could be dredged up from the murky Stewart Day and the shady figures lurking around the JD Stadium.
Coulson readily took up the challenge and managed to record a lot of the secret goings-on at the JD Stadium. The secret tapes arrived covertly at EGP Towers on Friday evening, disguised as a pizza, on a motorcycle, by the bloke who works for Tariq’s pizzas on Spotland Road.
The following excerpts can now be released….
DF to KH: “Bloody brilliant. We’re off again. It means I can come and support Dale again. Get Maureen to put me a ticket on, will you?”
SD to his Mum: “We’re off again. I’ll be home for my tea Mum. I think I’ve dropped a bollock getting involved here. I didn’t realise bury had a flood plain. I’ll struggle to get planning permission here. I’d have been better off buying in Somerset.
Bury-on-Avon?
The place is such a mess too. It’s looking worse than Paxman’s beard.”
Paxman at Spotland yesterday, mingling with Dale fans
Random Fan to excitable Random Fan: “Results have gone our way again! If we win our games in hand, we’ll be in the play-offs. This league just keeps getting tighter.”
FL rep to NN: “We’re going to contact Rochdale to see if you can hire Spotland for your home games.”
NN to Navy Boy: “Football League want us to play at Fail. I know it’s as appealing as an Iceland buffet, so put some spin on it will you?”
SD to PD: “At least at Port Vale you could get matches on. You had cash flow. You never told me what it would be like in winter with no income. There’s wages to pay.”
SD to Mr West: “Look Nathan, we need a bigger overdraft. The mortgage money was spent last August assembling an international squad. The JD money was spent in December paying them off and recruiting another squad; since then we’ve barely played a fixture. We’ve only played three games at home this year at that barely covers the cost of the seven loanees we’ve got. We can pay you back when we get the games on. The fan base is massive — we’re getting bigger crowds than Fail and they’re going for promotion because they’ve won a few.”
SD to HMRC: “We won’t need an extension this year as nothing is coming in, so 20% of nothing is nothing. You can have it today if you want!”
KB to SD: “Look. If you default on my monthly pay-off again, I’ll take you to court. It’s not my fault Jesse ended up at Tamworth. When I was manager he was banging them in at Carrow Road.”
SD to KB: “It only seems two minutes since we were beating a team of Cornish fishermen 15-0 and you were telling me we would be leaving the league this season.”
DF to KH: “Any suggestions on anyone else I can bring in, Hilly? And don’t tell me to recruit anymore ex-Dale players. I thought Platty would slip under the radar with it being 15 years ago, but the fans were up in arms saying they’d rather go down. You think you’ve got it rough with those behind you in the dugout. I’ve got them on all three sides here and they’re absolutely deluded to a man. If I don’t get bury into the play-offs this year I think they’ll lynch me.”
DF to SD: “Don’t worry about the postponements. The lads have been great in training and they’re getting more time to gel. Watch us go at Accrington on Tuesday. I think you’ll be in for a surprise.”
SD to Navy Boy: “I do read the messageboard. Mainly just to read what the Dale fans say as they talk a lot of sense. It was on their advice that I appointed Flicker you know.”
Norman Normal to NN: “Look. We’ve paid for advertising on your shirts. You promised us 46 outings per year. We’re not getting the national exposure you promised us with the shirts being folded and locked away in a cupboard. We want our money back.”
SD to PD: “You know that international summer tour I promised when I took over. All these postponements are going to jeopardise it. You’d better phone up the Manx Tourist Board and cancel our hostel.”
FL to RAFC: “Is there any chance bury can borrow Spotland? Their JD pitch is wetter than Rod Hull’s roof.”
Fans of crisis club bury were left reeling today following a probe from The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA).
The ASA are a Government-funded, London-based outfit who are the UK’s independent regulator of advertising across all media. They apply the Advertising Codes, which are written by the Committees of Advertising Practice. Their work includes acting on complaints and proactively checking the media to take action against misleading advertisements.
EGP were fortunate to obtain secret documents appertaining to this case which arose following a radio advertisement placed by the club who were recently bought by a 31-year-old philanthropic, millionaire property developer, who claimed he bought the club, “for the love of football.”
Since then, the young Chairman has remortgaged Gigg Lane (the club’s dilapidated ground), has put a charge on the ground so that he is the first to get his money back should it all go tits up, has raided Batley’s Ikea for some new furniture for the Gigg Lane reception area, and has put pictures of real footballers on the walls of some grotty corridor within their “Main Stand”. This is actually true, and there was a lot of angst mongst the regulars, until Navy Boy turned up with the most implausible excuse for this imaginable!
Writing on the Big bury board he said, “Having just got off the phone with both chairman and CEO, I can put everyone's mind at ease. The pictures down the main corridor were obtained for the frames - not the contents. This area of the club has not been finished yet, the carpet only went down this afternoon.
“The 'FRAMES' were put in place as a 'sizing excercise' - some have been moved and shifted many times - in order to set the correct position for each 'FRAME'. Now that the chairman and CEO are happy with their positions, they will be changed. Photo's will be replaced with images of former players.
“The Chairman went to some pain to explain that no offence was made in this, it was never the intention to take away the identity of the club and the photos that are currently there - will be replaced before the first game of the season next weekend...”
Immediately, the regulars swallowed this hook, line and sinker.
(Editor’s note — this is worth an investigation in itself, but the bastards are writing it quicker than we can investigate it!)
More bastards
Back to topic, in a bid to put bums on seats, the new bury regime decided to place an advertisement on a radio station no-one has heard of. As soon as it was aired, the only listener, Marg Gaunt from Heywood, fired across an angry email to the top brass at the ASA.
The strongly worded, pro-active email read: ‘Never in all my life have I heard such nonsense. I was listening to Real Radio XS and all this stuff was being spread about the French Revolution, before it went onto say the next revolution is to happen in Bury. Do these advertising boffins not understand the bloodshed caused by revolutions? We do not want blood spilt on the streets of Bury because some tinpot little football club is getting too big for its boots. I will also take issue with their claim that the atmosphere at Gigg Lane is special. It isn’t. It’s awful. This is misleading to say the least and I think you should investigate. Here is a link to this nonsense.’
The ASA sent its Director of Complaints and Investigations, Mike Lockwood, to investigate. Ironically, his younger brother, Adam, plays for the club, but as lads, they never got on, so Mike seized the chance to put one over the little shit.
A few days following this investigation, EGP caught up with Mike in the Pack Horse in Birtle. The rustic country pub was an ideal venue for a quiet chat and he went onto reveal the severity of his findings.
On season ticket advertising, he told us that it was illegal to advertise them given that fellow member clubs are boycotting games. Not only that, teams are even refusing to play friendlies there such is the state of the stadium. Furthermore, it is highly improbable that the club will survive until May and to sell tickets for events which the vendor knows will never take place is illegal.
We asked Mike who he thought was behind all these goings on and he said, “In my opinion, there are organised criminals behind this. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve got people behind the scenes who have asset stripped other football clubs in the past. There is no way on this planet that anyone (however young) could seriously believe they can make a profit out of running a small, badly supported club. Only last week, they had less than 1000 home supporters for their opening friendly home fixture — an attractive game versus Blackpool as well. And they couldn’t even fix up a friendly on the final Saturday before the big kick off as no-one wants to go to Gigg Lane. My guess is they will spend the mortgage money on getting through to Christmas and then crash, bang, wallop.”
The Rooney comment drew specific criticism from Lockwood. He explained, “You can’t brand a human name to expect it to deliver to certain standards. For example, you can brand a manufactured name because it is engineered to standards, so if something is the Rolls Royce of its field, it’s going to be good. But this! It would have been like Wigan advertising season tickets by saying “We’ve got a Jesus” when they signed the 3 Amigos in the 1990s”.
This was a reference to Jesus Seba, Roberto Martinez and Isidro Diaz.
“Like I said, you cannot brand a name in a blatant attempt to mislead people that certain names come with a guarantee of success.”
We pressed Mike on the atmosphere claim and he told us, “When I sat down in the Boardroom with some bloke called Neville Neville I thought I was hearing double. I ran him through my findings and, I must admit, there was an atmosphere. In fact, I even had to open a window.”
So, where now for Mike and his investigative team? He said, “We’ve banned the advert and have issued the club with strict guidelines for what they can and cannot do. I’ve noticed a lot of fly-posting in the town — at traffic lights and on roundabouts, which is illegal, so I’ve reported them to Bury MBC.
“The councillor I spoke to was called Norman Normal and he was very upset, saying the club is the bane of the town. I didn’t realise the council had actually sponsored them until pulling out only two weeks ago. The club are now on a 12 month ASA suspended sentence, so if they do this again, they will be fined heavily.”
Meanwhile, EGP sought reaction to all this on the Big bury board. We expected supporters to be rolling their eyes looking up to the heavens in despair.
However, surprisingly, the mood was most upbeat! One wrote, ‘Blimey we are moving with the times!!! Not a bad advert’
Another chipped in with ‘Great to see or hear should I say.’
Whilst another, not wanting to be outdone, wrote, ‘Well done to whoever made this! Viva la revolution!’
Indeed, such was the mood amongst the faithful, one wrote, ‘Exactly what we need, gets the point across! If we could get it on Talksport then we would be hitting our perfect target audience!’
And it was a big thumbs-up from another regular who wrote, ‘Well done whoever put this together. Good marketing.’
Millionaire Chairman, Stewart Day, was unavailable for comment as he’d gone away because it was Huddersfield Wakes week. He was said to be in his parents’ holiday home in Filey, as they hoped to tie the week in, with visiting other relatives.
Family holiday home
21m 35s
Don’t have Nightmares. We’ll be back when the mongs write another one for us.
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