| Monday joke 10:48 - Dec 17 with 8099 views | loftboy |
My best mate died a couple of months ago and I miss him awfully.I hit upon the idea of attending a seance to try and make contact with him.As we all sat around the table holding hands calling on the deceased, my best mate suddenly started talking as if he's in the room."Cor...hello Mickey!" I shouted. "How are things with you?""It's great here, absolutely fantastic" he started to reply. "I wake up in the morning, I eat a vegetarian breakfast, then its shagging all morning right up to lunch time. When I've finished my vegetarian lunch, it's shagging again all afternoon right up to dinner time when once I've finished my vegetarian dinner, it's shagging right up till bed time.""Wow, it sounds great! Where are you, Heaven or Hell?""Neither," he says, "I'm a rabbit on Hampstead Heath." |  |
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| Monday joke on 15:19 - Dec 17 with 2380 views | headhoops |
what's pink and has got seven little dents in it?
Snow White's virginity. |  |
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| Monday joke on 15:30 - Dec 17 with 2364 views | LOFT67 |
Father christmas goes to see the doctor, and the doctor asks him "whats the problem", santa replies doc l think l have a mince pie jammed up me arse,so the doc says pull down your trousers and let me have a look, blimey the doc says you have got a mince pie jammed up your arse but don't worry, l have got some cream for it. |  |
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| Monday joke on 15:54 - Dec 17 with 2341 views | johann28 |
What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
A Mark Hughes watch |  | | |
| Monday joke on 16:22 - Dec 17 with 2302 views | dermyqpr |
Mick Joe and Paddy havin a drink in a bar. Paddy asks where is the best value pub in town. Mick says he knows one on the High St. that if you buy one you get one free. Joe says I know a place round my estate that you buy one you get two free drinks and a bag of crisps thrown in. Paddy says I can beat that I know a place where if you buy one drink you get six more free and you go out the back and get a shag!!!
Crikey the boys say where the hell is that place, we gotta go there.
Paddy says f^ck I knew there was something I was supposed to ask me sister. [Post edited 1 Jan 1970 1:00]
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| Monday joke on 16:57 - Dec 17 with 2258 views | hblocker |
| Monday joke on 15:11 - Dec 17 by Northernr |
The wife of a Swansea fan is woken one evening by her husband storming into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
"This," he shouts "is the fat pig I have to shag when I'm not with you."
The wife sits up in bed and says "I think you'll find that's a sheep."
The man replies: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you." |
Why should you never laugh at a Somalian on a bike?
Might be your bike.
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| Monday joke on 17:04 - Dec 17 with 2244 views | Sudbury_Hill_R |
| Monday joke on 11:03 - Dec 17 by smegma |
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own vimto.
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Or the dyslexic that went to a Toga party as a goat! |  | | |
| Monday joke on 17:32 - Dec 17 with 2212 views | MoonshineSteve |
| Monday joke on 16:57 - Dec 17 by hblocker |
Why should you never laugh at a Somalian on a bike?
Might be your bike.
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Tsk tsk. |  |
| I am still Steve but no longer in Dagenham. |
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| Monday joke on 19:01 - Dec 17 with 2146 views | johann28 |
Two lumps of vomit are walking down the street. One suddenly begins to cry.
'What's wrong?' says the other.
The first lump of vomit sobs. 'This is where i was brought up' | | | |
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| Monday joke on 20:29 - Dec 17 with 2105 views | BathRanger |
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster. Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus.
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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know. It’s your fecking plane"
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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad."
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement. The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home." So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark" says Murphy.
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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on."
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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it"
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Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one.
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Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap.
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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall."
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Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it."
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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones."
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Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London." |  | | |
| Monday joke on 21:52 - Dec 17 with 2045 views | Sudbury_Hill_R |
Just before her wedding night a pikeys mum says to her daughter, listen girl, when you get married he'll want to put his prized possession into where you pi*s.
Don't be silly mum she replies, how will he get his transit van in the sink! | | | |
| Monday joke on 03:44 - Dec 18 with 1973 views | Cornish_oooRRRR |
A very distinguished old lady goes to her gp. "I've got terrible flatulence but it's OK, they don't smell and they're silent"
Gp says "take one of these three times a day and come back to see me in a week"
The old lady comes back after a week very distressed "these pills are terrible, my farts smell awful now"
"Right" says the gp "that's your sense of smell fixed, now we just need to work on your hearing" |  |
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| Monday joke on 09:21 - Dec 18 with 1914 views | jaydub |
Whilst walking through a local wood recently I came across a family of foxes curled up in a suitcase, vixen and four cubs, as I was a bit concerned for their well being I rang the RSPCA when I returned home. "Were they moving?" the officer asked, I replied that I wasn't sure, but I thought that would explain the suitcase. |  | | |
| Monday joke on 09:30 - Dec 18 with 1904 views | TW_R |
If a man stands in the middle of a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong? |  | | |
| Monday joke on 10:51 - Dec 18 with 1869 views | LOFT67 |
Three blokes with terrible speech stutters go to the speech clinic for some treatment. The nurse in charge says confidently to them, if anyone of you can tell me on your first go, the in which town you were born without stuttering l will give you the best BJ you will ever have.The first bloke steps forward and she asks were he was from,ki-kir-kid-kid he replied,she says sorry, l presume you you were your from kidderminster but you failed.She asks the next bloke the same question and he replies ma-ma- man-man but gives in ,sorry she says sounds if your from manchester but you also failed, finally the last bloke steps forward and she asks the same, quick as a flash he blurts out london,well done she says and before he knows it she is munching him away, just as she finishes the job off he looks down at her and says d-d-derry. | |
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| Monday joke on 10:53 - Dec 18 with 1864 views | A40Bosh |
| Monday joke on 09:30 - Dec 18 by TW_R |
If a man stands in the middle of a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong? |
Old Chinese Proverb say.
"Beat your wife every day
You may not know what she has done wrong
But she will" |  |
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| Monday joke on 11:03 - Dec 18 with 1795 views | RickyDicky |
| Monday joke on 15:30 - Dec 17 by LOFT67 |
Father christmas goes to see the doctor, and the doctor asks him "whats the problem", santa replies doc l think l have a mince pie jammed up me arse,so the doc says pull down your trousers and let me have a look, blimey the doc says you have got a mince pie jammed up your arse but don't worry, l have got some cream for it. |
Same fella goes to the Doctor and says "doc , I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum"
Doc replies "Owzat !?" |  |
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| Monday joke on 11:06 - Dec 18 with 1786 views | Sudbury_Hill_R |
| Monday joke on 11:03 - Dec 18 by RickyDicky |
Same fella goes to the Doctor and says "doc , I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum"
Doc replies "Owzat !?" |
I went to my doctors the other day. He said. I haven't seen you in ages. I said I know. I've been ill. | | | |
| Monday joke on 11:06 - Dec 18 with 1786 views | TW_R |
| Monday joke on 11:03 - Dec 18 by RickyDicky |
Same fella goes to the Doctor and says "doc , I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum"
Doc replies "Owzat !?" |
What have you got if you've got a cricket ball in one hand and a cricket ball in the other hand?
A bloody big cricket. | | | |
| Monday joke on 11:21 - Dec 18 with 1770 views | RickyDicky |
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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| Monday joke on 11:29 - Dec 18 with 1766 views | HamtuneR |
Did you hear about the dyslexic man who went to a Halloween Dracula party dressed as an umpire? | | | |
| Monday joke on 11:32 - Dec 18 with 1762 views | TW_R |
| Monday joke on 11:21 - Dec 18 by RickyDicky |
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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Was the currant a cereal killer? | | | |
| Monday joke on 11:33 - Dec 18 with 1759 views | RickyDicky |
We've all heard about a-sexual, bi-sexual , hetro-sexual etc etc,
Well, I'm Tri-sexual.
I'll try anything sexual ! | |
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| Monday joke on 12:33 - Dec 18 with 1718 views | Sudbury_Hill_R |
A man goes into a bakers and says, can I have half a dozen wasps. We don't sell them came the reply.
You must do, you've got loads in the window. | | | |
| Monday joke on 12:37 - Dec 18 with 1707 views | A40Bosh |
| Monday joke on 12:33 - Dec 18 by Sudbury_Hill_R |
A man goes into a bakers and says, can I have half a dozen wasps. We don't sell them came the reply.
You must do, you've got loads in the window. |
Man walks into a fishmongers with a large salmon hung over his shoulder and asks
"Do you sell fish cakes?"
The Fishmonger replies
"I'm sorry sir, no we don't"
The man looks upset
"That's a shame, it's his birthday today" | |
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| Monday joke on 12:37 - Dec 18 with 1704 views | simmo |
Why did the Baker have smelly hands?
He kneaded a poo |  |
| ask Beavis I get nothing Butthead |
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