| Some Humour 21:46 - Jul 5 with 6877 views | SaintNick |
Just found out that World Champion cyclist Chris Hoy's sister, Landa, is a world class navigator ...
I hired a landscape gardener, but he said he couldn't help as my garden was portrait ....
I have the ability to guess what's inside a wrapped present .... it's a gift. |  |
| Satisfying The Bloodlust Of The Masses In Peacetime |
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| Some Humour on 13:17 - Jul 20 with 1268 views | Berber |
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list, now we can’t read anything. |  |
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| Some Humour on 18:07 - Jul 20 with 1191 views | kentsouthampton |
Paddy starts work as a handyman, first door he knocks a woman answers, paddy tells her I'm a handyman do you have any odd jobs needing doing.
She hands him a pot of paint and a brush and says to him, you can paint my porch.
Half an hour later paddy knocks the door and says all done there was even enough for two coats, and by the way that's not a porch it's a Ferrari. |  | | |
| Some Humour on 22:14 - Jul 21 with 1070 views | hedgeend61 |
I was at a 5-year-old's Birthday party today, whoever decided that a bouncy castle and inflatable boxing gloves were suitable entertainment for young children is absolutely mental.
Literally every child was crying, even the girls who didn't want to fight.
On the plus side, it's been a good workout for me and I'm undefeated in 12.
Bloke steals a live chicken from a market.
Being chased, he runs into a cinema with it hidden in his coat and takes a seat in the darkness.
Two young ladies take the next seats along.
"'Ere Trace, I think the bloke next to me's got his dick out"
"Ignore him Sam, you always get dirty old men in here"
"Yeah, but this one's eating me popcorn" |  | | |
| Some Humour on 22:18 - Jul 21 with 1061 views | SaintNick |
| Some Humour on 22:14 - Jul 21 by hedgeend61 |
I was at a 5-year-old's Birthday party today, whoever decided that a bouncy castle and inflatable boxing gloves were suitable entertainment for young children is absolutely mental.
Literally every child was crying, even the girls who didn't want to fight.
On the plus side, it's been a good workout for me and I'm undefeated in 12.
Bloke steals a live chicken from a market.
Being chased, he runs into a cinema with it hidden in his coat and takes a seat in the darkness.
Two young ladies take the next seats along.
"'Ere Trace, I think the bloke next to me's got his dick out"
"Ignore him Sam, you always get dirty old men in here"
"Yeah, but this one's eating me popcorn" |
In the recent heatwave, I went in to my local chemist, to buy some antiperspirant . The charming lady behind the counter, said "Aerosol or ball", I replied, well actually love, it's for my armpits | |
| Satisfying The Bloodlust Of The Masses In Peacetime |
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| Some Humour on 22:27 - Jul 21 with 1045 views | hedgeend61 |
| Some Humour on 22:18 - Jul 21 by SaintNick |
In the recent heatwave, I went in to my local chemist, to buy some antiperspirant . The charming lady behind the counter, said "Aerosol or ball", I replied, well actually love, it's for my armpits |
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the f***ing bitch stole ma wallet." | | | |
| Some Humour on 23:07 - Jul 26 with 869 views | hedgeend61 |
| Some Humour on 22:27 - Jul 21 by hedgeend61 |
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the f***ing bitch stole ma wallet." |
He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep...
He awoke before the Pearly Gates...
St Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph"...
Ralph was stunned, "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back"...
St Peter said, "Hmm, perhaps that could be arranged. It does involves a lot of paperwork but sure. You've got two alternatives, you can come back as a fish or as a hen"...
Ralph never liked swimming, and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. Walking around pecking at the ground, no stress, and if the local rooster was nice then perhaps it could be a comfortable existence...
Ralph replied, "Okay, then I choose to be a hen"...
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground...
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, eh...? How's your first day here"...?
"Not bad" replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode"...
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster...
"Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before"...?
"Never" said Ralph...
"Well, just cluck twice and then push"...
Ralph clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg...
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. His joy was overwhelming...
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're sh1tting the bed again!" [Post edited 26 Jul 2022 23:11]
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| Some Humour on 00:16 - Jul 28 with 692 views | TimSaint |
A man who trained his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground, said he went from Barking to Tooting in just over an hour !! :-) |  |
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