| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 810052 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 23:04 - Feb 12 with 9473 views | Esox_Lucius |
I met a Dalek in the pub who said he was from Devon,
I asked him where in Devon, he said “Exeter mate.” |  |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 09:19 - Feb 13 with 9379 views | Newhopphoops |
| Corny Joke Warning on 15:37 - Feb 3 by Esox_Lucius |
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to see the Monkeys in concert in Switzerland.
Then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva. |
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I dunno, but the flag's a big plus. |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 15:42 - Feb 13 with 9333 views | Mick_S |
Q: How can Daleks tell each other apart?
A. Thay. Jast. Caan. |  |
| Did I ever mention that I was in Minder? |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:03 - Feb 15 with 9177 views | Boston |
What's the difference between Corona Virus and Trump Derangement Syndrome?
You can recover from Corona Virus. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 21:42 - Feb 16 with 9050 views | Esox_Lucius |
I rang the NHS help line today & asked how to use a suppository, I can’t believe how rude they were . | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 14:56 - Feb 17 with 8947 views | Boston |
What’s Hillary Clinton’s favourite musical instrument?
The harm monica. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 23:19 - Feb 18 with 8854 views | bosh67 |
It was the moment that I suddenly realised I was getting older. She looked up at me. Young, beautiful. Her kind eyes smiling. "Would you like to sit down, sir?" She asked. I shook my head, partly in denial. "Please," she insisted, standing up. "Take my seat." In the end... I just gave up and said, "Okay, thank you." I felt terribly embarrassed as she made way for me and I sat down. She glanced back at me and smiled. I just stared straight ahead and shook my head... Mainly because I had no idea how to fly this plane? |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 23:39 - Feb 18 with 8841 views | Boston |
A ladder fell off the back on my truck today when I was bombing up the highway.
Didn't get a ticket as it landed in the climbing lane. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:06 - Feb 19 with 8774 views | Esox_Lucius |
What do you call a magician who has lost his magic. ....
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.Ian | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:22 - Feb 20 with 8615 views | Esox_Lucius |
Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I just dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager.
It's called the Heineken Manoeuvre. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:55 - Feb 21 with 8514 views | Esox_Lucius |
I watching a game of U16's football down in Kerry and there was a lad there that was head and shoulders above all the others and all you hear was "Give it to Chilli" or "Go on Chilli yourself". At half time I asked one of the local supporters why the lad was called Chilli? He told me "Sure, that's Con Kearneys youngest". [Post edited 21 Feb 2020 22:56]
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| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:35 - Feb 25 with 8414 views | Esox_Lucius |
I went to see the doctor this morning and when he asked me what was wrong I told him to put his ear close to my femur. He did so so and exclaimed "I can hear it saying lend me £20" so I told him now listen to my Tibia so he did and told me he could hear it saying "lend me £10", "that is truly amazing". I then told him to take a listen to my ankle and he looked at me incredulously but did as I bid him and informed me that he could hear my ankle saying "lend me £5".
He turned away to his bookshelf and began rifling through them, after a few minutes he turned to me and said "I can't see anything in my medical books that would explain this but my gut instinct is that your leg is broke in three places". [Post edited 3 Mar 2020 11:09]
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| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:45 - Feb 25 with 8406 views | Boston |
Bloke pops into see his doctor and asks if he thinks he’ll live to be 100. Doc looks him up and down then asks if he smokes, “nope” come the reply, he then enquires if he drinks, “no, don’t drink” , what about drugs and kinky sex, “no” replies the patient, “neither of the those”, Doctor leans forward, clears his throat and asks, “so why d’ya want to live to be 100?” | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:56 - Feb 27 with 8278 views | Mick_S |
I got an email from Google saying "At Google Earth, we are able to read maps backwards!" and I thought;
"That's just spam!" | |
| Did I ever mention that I was in Minder? |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 21:40 - Mar 2 with 8119 views | Esox_Lucius |
One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump Thump Thump’
He turns round, and to his horror, he sees a coffin on the street moving towards him.
‘Thump Thump’
Thinking he's had FAR too much to drink he keeps walking.
‘Thump Thump Thump’
Now it's gaining on him, so he decides to run for it. He gets to his door panicking trying to get the key in the lock as the coffin is coming, eventually he gets the door open closes & bolts it behind him and collapses on the sofa.
A few seconds later, and
CRASH
The coffin has burst its way through the front door knocking it off its hinges. Terrified he dodges round the coffin runs up the stairs into the bathroom and locks the door behind him.
thinking there's no way the coffin can follow him there.
Then he hears
‘Thump Thump Thump Thump’
The coffin is slowly hopping up the stairs, relentless in its pursuit.
Next thing he hears is CRASH
The coffin comes through the door knocking it off its hinges and it slowly moves towards him, the coffin lid now creaking open and shut as it approaches. In desperation the man grabs the first thing he sees which is a can of Gillette shaving foam and throws it at the coffin, the coffin keeps coming.
Then he grabs a bar of Imperial Leather Soap throws that too, The coffin keeps coming.
Finally, just before it reaches him, he grabs a bottle of Venos cough medicine and throws it at the coffin and...
The coffin stopped. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 21:54 - Mar 2 with 8090 views | DannyPaddox |
Q. What do you call a racist marsupial?
A. Wombat 18 |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 10:05 - Mar 3 with 7986 views | Mick_S |
After hearing a couple’s complaints that their intimate life wasn’t what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested that they vary their positions.
“For example,” he suggested, “you might try the wheel barrel. Lift her legs from behind and off you go.”
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.
“Well, okay,” the hesitant wife agreed, “but on two conditions - First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second,” she continued, “you have to promise we won’t go past my mother’s house.” | |
| Did I ever mention that I was in Minder? |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:25 - Mar 3 with 7859 views | johncharles |
Sales of Corona Lager have plummeted. They've had to rebrand it. It will now be called Ebola Beer |  |
| Strong and stable my arse. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 21:49 - Mar 3 with 7792 views | Lblock |
How do you wake up Lady GaGa when she’s sleeping?
Poker Face |  |
| Cherish and enjoy life.... this ain't no dress rehearsal |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:42 - Mar 6 with 7603 views | Esox_Lucius |
There is a Gazelle in Africa which, due to its extremely powerful hind legs, can jump higher than a house. The fact a house can't jump is a help too. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 13:44 - Mar 6 with 7595 views | Toast_R |
Apparently every one at John Lennon Airport has been quarantined.
Imagine all the people... |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 22:46 - Mar 6 with 7507 views | Esox_Lucius |
My friend said “I love Eminem”
I said “I prefer Skittles”
he said “I meant the rapper”
I said “Why would you eat the wrapper?” | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:59 - Mar 6 with 7490 views | qprxtc |
A bloke came up to me and said do you want hear a really stupid joke?
I said “no”. |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 23:47 - Mar 8 with 7355 views | DannyPaddox |
Sean Dyche buys an ice cream from the Mr Whippy Van.
SD: Ice-cream please
MW: Vanilla?
SD: Yes please
MW: Chocolate flake?
SD: Yes please
MW: Raspberry sauce?
SD: Yes please
MW: Crushed nuts?
SD: No, I always talk like this | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 07:30 - Mar 9 with 7287 views | horshamHoop |
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.
W.H.O. let the dogs out! | | | |
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