QPR will play Championship football after all in 2023/24, after securing the win they needed in the penultimate game away at Stoke City.

It ended, as it so often seems to do for Queens Park Rangers at the moment, in Stoke.

Walk along the canal and under the incinerator to the stadium high on the hill, designed and built with the corners open and the main stand set three quarters of a mile back from the pitch - apparently by somebody who’d never been to a football game before. The Bet 365 Stadium, a wind tunnel every day of the year more use as an Airbus testing facility than a sporting venue, this place used to frighten the life out of the great and the good in what Richard Keys might call “the best league in the world” (in the moments he hasn’t got a gobful of his daughter’s best mate). Arsene Wenger, dressed in a giant sleeping bag, would bring literally one of the best teams that has ever existed in the sport here and flap his arms around as they crumbled under a physical barrage. Look at the long throws mummy, can you see the long throws?

QPR, weirdly for a team that could get travel sick on a pedalo on Cleethorpes Boating Lake, have never had much of a problem here. They’ve now won seven of 14 visits, with a draw chucked in for good measure. See the angle of the cross from Armand Traore, watch the arced trajectory of the ball as it passes your field of vision, sense Heidar Helguson’s coal-fired arrival at the back post, feel the thick connection of the perfect header, watch it scorch into the top corner and lose yourself in a crowd of your delirious friends — close your eyes and you’re back there, with Neil Warnock, and Clint Hill. A 50% win ratio, I mean Christ if they could manage anything approaching that even at their own stadium back in West London Rangers wouldn’t have a problem would they? Perhaps we can solve the perennial problem of ‘what to do with Loftus Road?’ by simply dividing our games between here and St Andrew’s in Birmingham instead — we win a lot more there than we do on our own patch, and the beer is cheaper.

These days, everybody wins at Stoke. Since relegation back to this level in 2018 they are yet to finish in the top half of the Championship table, and have spent and lost many hundreds of millions of pounds achieving that. Currently sixteenth, no team in the division has lost as many as their 12 home games and if bottom-of-the-table Wigan win on the final day against Rotherham then they will finish with the overall worst home record. They have lost even more times on their own ground than our club-record-equalling 11 defeats in W12, including the last three matches here against the might of Bristol City, West Brom and Wigan. They change managers at a steady pace, rotate through players wildly (there are seven loanees here currently, the league rules only permit five in a matchday squad), and it makes not a jot of difference — Stoke, these days, are steadfastly, consistently, dire. I’ve seen bigger crowds in Tooting Post Office than the one that stayed behind for their team’s “lap of honour” at the end of this game.

An ideal opponent, therefore, for QPR in their quest to secure another trip here next season. Having belatedly woken up at the wheel of a car speeding down a hill two wins in 28 games deep, the remarkable 2-1 win at champions Burnley last weekend gave Rangers a puncher’s chance of survival few thought possible the week before. Match or better one of Reading’s final two results and the job would be done, with the added bonus of finally pushing the division’s worst awayday down a league and making it somebody else’s problem.

And so it proved. Three minutes after half time Jamal Lowe’s ball down the line got Ilias Chair into some space from where he was able to cut the ball back to Lowe on the corner of the penalty box and then onto Tim Iroegbunam. With space for a shot at a premium, the Villa youngster shifted it onto the tirelessly effective Lyndon Dykes who widened the angle enough to search out the bottom corner. Jack Bonham’s save was decent enough, but when your luck’s out it’s out and the ball flew straight to Albert Adomah. Stoke appealed for a flag that never came while Adomah, who seemed startled by the whole thing and did his best to miss the gilt-edged chance, returned the ball past the goalkeeper and just about into the net off the base of the far post. Behind the goal a couple of thousand people, who’d been in full throaty voice all afternoon, turned it up to 11.

After a first half devoid of life and quality, it was no shock the first team to successfully string five progressive passes together were rewarded with a goal — though, with only 20% possession on the day, it’s perhaps surprising QPR were eventually the ones to do it. Sam Field and Tim Iroegbunam, our two starting central midfielders, completed 14 passes, between them, all afternoon. Bar Jamal Lowe’s low shot straight at Bonham, and Ilias Chair’s poor decision to cut a ball back having dribbled all the way along the deadball line when there was a queue at the far post waiting for a chipped cross, there had been minimal threat from the visitors. At the other end Josh Tymon’s low drive towards the bottom corner on the end of a huge overlap from left wing-back was cleared behind by Rob Dickie, and centre back Connor Taylor headed a corner off the top of the bar but had to barge Jimmy Dunne in the back to do so and was therefore penalised by referee Leigh Doughty who could have done this game in his sleep.

Some tales from my first half notes, just to paint the picture of what sort of a game this was. After three minutes QPR botch a free kick opportunity so badly it ends up with Stoke countering back in the opposite direction, which would have caused a problem had Rob Dickie not intervened and then launched a wild pass-back to Dieng of the sort Karl Ready made a ten-year career out of, which would have caused a problem had Seny Dieng not intervened but then in turn hacked a horrid clearance off the outside of his boot and into the stand. Stoke’s first corner, worked short, was eventually cut back low through a crowded penalty area, right past Albert Adomah who was… kneeling down. I’m starting to wonder how many takes those Instagram videos require. 12 — Dieng flaps at a corner. 22 — Ethan Laird (back in the good books this week) a daft tackle but quite a harsh yellow card. 38 — Chair’s cross too high for Adomah. Chair would later try to get on the end of a similar ball himself, collapse to the ground, and plead for a penalty which the referee, rightly, showed little interest in.

QPR could, should, have scored more goals. Lowe might have got a volley away sooner given his time over again on 63 minutes, instead of trying to turn back inside and hitting the deck for a meek penalty appeal. He was a good deal closer soon after that, stretching to reach the ball ahead of Bonham as sub Chris Martin redirected a cross towards the goal. They might have been pegged back on 73 minutes when an enormous goalmouth scramble saw the ball hit Seny Dieng and stay out without him even knowing it had happened not once, but twice. That huge Tymon overlap, on all day but seldom played by Alex Neil’s side, should have resulted in a goal three minutes from time but Dieng made a fine fingertip save and was incorrectly awarded a goal kick as well just to really put the tin hat on things. Sub Lewis Baker skied a presentable late chance high over the top.

A grim watch then. Rob Dickie four pass completions all day, Jimmy Dunne two — very much let’s get out of here. The only player on the pitch who seemed to have a vague idea what he was doing was Stoke’s Southampton loanee Will Smallbone, and, hey, if all your hair falls out by the time you’re 23 and you have to go through a British secondary school education with that surname then I suppose you best make sure you’re fucking good at football. Ben Pearson was alongside him, knocking it this way and that quite nicely, but there was none of that angry, shithouse, goblin intensity that we came to associate with him and loathe during his Preston days. Have you ever been to a game Ben Pearson played in where you could describe his influence as anonymous? Welcome to it. Not for the first time an opposition tried to target Kenneth Paal’s lack of height with one sweeping crossfield ball after another, and not for the first time they found him in full Paal Parker mode, coping with the whole thing admirably — nice to see him back to his early season form in defence at least. Up front, Dwight Gayle departed the scene early — his regular summer availability, on wages almost certainly in the region of £40,000 a week, sends QPR’s CBeebies Twitter fraternity into a frenzy, and for that money Stoke have received… three goals in 31 starts and five sub appearances, two of those in the same match at Sunderland. He wouldn’t have scored in this game if it was a five-day test match. Sign a fucking striker, indeed.

Why do I keep coming back to Stoke? Why is this match report about them more than it is us? Why this angle, this tone, this mood? You probably came here for the typical LFW, over-the-top, 4,000 words of flowery prose, tales of relatives been and gone, moments frozen in time in an away end chock full of the people we choose to spend our lives with, a team bouncing back off the canvass after taking a full count, lyrics from Electric Dreams. Typical QPR eh, just as you’re out they pull you back in, what are they like hey, hey? Come here and give me a cuddle. Well, that was last week, and if it is what you’re in the mood for then you can re-read it here.

I’m genuinely sorry if you don’t feel the same way, and you came here today looking for celebratory prose, but this, for me, was a very, very bittersweet experience indeed. Not only because Stoke were so unutterably dreadful and we made such heavy weather of dispatching them - clinging on for dear life through nine minutes of stoppage time, wholly justified by the amount of times we’d used football’s ridiculous tangle of half arsed panics about brain injuries to stop the game with one faked head knock after another - but also because it never, ever, ever should have come to this. From top of the league in October, to packing an away end out at Stoke singing “the R’s are staying up” while our team wrestles grimly with a team picking Morgan Fox at centre back next to 52-year-old Phil Jagielka, looking every inch (and there are plenty of those these days) the dad who insists on kitting up and taking part in his son’s U11s football training. Slipping and sliding about, pelting that old classic diag straight into touch, it’s time now Phil, come on mate, silly old goat.

Playing Stoke in our final away match for three seasons running, as we weirdly have now, and the Potters being so consistently crap throughout, provides an interesting comparison study. Rangers have now won two and lost one of those games, and generally got carried away with what each of those results told them. In 2020/21 they won here well, convincingly, during the lockdown. Charlie Austin strode confidently onto a ball 20 yards from goal and fizzed it into the bottom corner like he was 24-years-old again, Sefan Johansen pulled strings so mesmerically in midfield that even Ozzi Kakay was able to stride onto an immaculate assist and find the far bottom corner. This, we told ourselves, was a team with the potential to go places, and money should be spent, gambles placed, risks taken and banks broken to try and get it there — Austin and Johansen were among those getting handsome permanent deals. A year later, when the promotion push they’d tried to induce had collapsed into four wins from the final 20 matches, the final play-off hope was extinguished with a retched 1-0 loss here that left Jimmy Dunne and others in tears at full time — manager Mark Warburton was dismissed, a decision which still divides opinion a year on but is, at the very least given what’s transpired, highly questionable. And now here we are, dancing around on the pitch at full time, after the scrappiest of 1-0 wins against a shit side with nothing to play for, to keep us in a division we were leading just five months ago.

Frantically scrabbling around for angles back in February, I burned another one of these bastard match reports off by telling you the story of the Air Transat flight from Toronto to Lisbon which the pilots accidentally bled out of every last drop of petrol midway over the Atlantic because they disbelieved their computer when it told them they were suffering a major fuel leak. They managed to glide the thing without power for the best part of 80 miles into the Azores, blew out six tires on landing, and saved everybody on board. This feat of flying was lauded and celebrated, they were given a specially commissioned award for the longest glide ever accomplished in a widebody passenger airliner. But this was not a success story. This was a story of dangerous incompetence, fundamental flaws, failure points in systems, arrogance and hubris. It was, at best, a very, very lucky escape. Everybody obviously delighted that a disaster which felt so inevitable for so long had been averted. But it was nothing to celebrate.

This latest win at Stoke changes nothing, and we should absolutely not be tricked by it, or the belated uptick in recent results, into thinking this can be patched up with elastic bands and chewing gum and sent out again next season. This group, these players, have shown you who they are and what they are very consistently indeed over the last 18 months now. A disparate collection of mostly disastrous loans will now, thankfully, go back home. A clutch of out-of-contract players will be released, and frankly if you renew any of the expiring deals at all you are just leaving yourself open to more of all of this all over again. Will the director of football stay? The CEO? Will this manager stay? Will we double down on this style? Will we try and recover from the damage done by backing Mick Beale last summer and letting him bring in his own players, by backing Gareth Ainsworth this summer and letting him do the same? There are a million questions, enormous change coming, and all of it has to be in place three months from now and constructed and completed on a vastly reduced budget as we attempt to cover the over-expenditure of 2021/22. It’s going to be a monumentally difficult task, and it needs to start right now. There should literally have been a board meeting this morning. Right, how do we make sure this doesn’t happen again?

At full time it was all eyes on Gareth Ainsworth. I’m delighted for him. He loves this place and this club, he’s bought into it and what we’re about from the moment he walked through the door back in 2003. It’s been blatantly obvious for many years that he’s coveted this job and to see him standing there in front of a packed away end while the QPR fans sang his name, his blue army, his victory, was wonderful for him.

I also watched Albert Adomah. Another man with QPR reasonably close to his heart, and somebody who is also partial to the odd over-celebration given half the chance — remember him turning a penalty shoot-out win in the first round of the League Cup at Orient into something akin to Argentina’s homecoming after this winter’s World Cup. On this occasion he’d been the one to score the goal, the winning goal at that, in front of the travelling fans, to seal the crucial victory which keeps us up. I was expecting dance moves, shirt give-aways, away end incursions, drinks flowing. Instead he came over and, while clearly delighted with the win, simply applauded the travelling fans, shook hands and shared congratulations with his team mates, and was then one of the first away down the tunnel. With all the experience of his 20+ years in the game, I reckon his train of thought is stopping at similar stations to mine. There’s a proper sort out required here, otherwise a potential fourth final away game of the season in a row at Stoke this time next year won’t have an ending even as happy as this one. This has the potential to get a lot, lot worse without some really quick, clear-headed, decisive action, almost immediately.

Saturday was the easy bit, the real hard work starts now.

Links >>> Ratings and Reports >>> Message Board Match Thread

Stoke: Bonham 5; Sterling 5, Taylor 5 (Hoever 61, 5), Jagielka 4, Fox 4, Tymon 5; Smallbone 6 (Baker 71, 6), Pearson 5, Laurent 5; Gayle 3 (Powell 61, 5), Campbell 6

Subs not used; Thompson, Macari, Fielding, Howard-Wilkinson

Bookings: Campbell 75 (foul)

QPR: Dieng 6; Laird 6, Dickie 6, Dunne 7, Paal 7; Adomah 6 (Martin 78, 7), Field 6, Iroegbunam 5 (Amos 64, 6), Chair 6 (Willock 90, -); Dykes 7, Lowe 6

Subs not used: Clarke-Salter, Johansen, Archer, Drewe

Goals: Adomah 48 (unassisted)

Bookings: Laird 20 (foul), Field 53 (foul), Amos 90+7 (foul)

QPR Star Man — Lyndon Dykes 7 Jimmy Dunne won every header, Kenneth Paal stood up to what was thrown at him really well, but given what he had to go on I thought Dykes’ tireless line-leading made a huge difference, and it was his well struck shot that led to the goal.

Referee — Leigh Doughty (Blackpool) 7 I think this guy is excellent. Few challenges late in this game let away without a yellow card on both sides which raised a few eyebrows, but could basically have refereed this game in his lounge suit. Clearly on the fast track to the Premier League and, at this point, difficult to argue with that.

Attendance — 22,486 (2,046 QPR) Usual jobsworth stewarding of the away end pre-game - refusing to allow people to escape what was becoming a quite serious crush up any gangway other than the one on their ticket - was everything I’ve come to expect from the way we’re policed and dealt with at this ground and they’re fortunate it didn’t escalate into a serious situation. Once upstairs, the support for this team from this group of fans, as it has been all season long despite what they’ve put us through, was little short of remarkable. The best atmosphere of any away end all season, never stopped once. Superb.

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FrankRightguard added 13:46 - Apr 30 Steady on Clive, you’ll be drawing the wrath of folk with your truth telling.
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Paddyhoops added 13:47 - Apr 30 Spot on with your report. Although I can’t see many clambering for season tickets on the back of it. One more left mate and you can have a well earned rest.
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davekay added 13:58 - Apr 30 Thanks for your brilliant reports Clive. They have made a grim season bearable. Completely agree with your analysis for next season.
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NottsQPR added 14:05 - Apr 30 Don’t need to say ‘great work’ Clive (it is), but glad you picked up on Adomah’s behaviour. Wouldn’t be surprised if the ‘cut ties’ chat has already been had. I loved the day yesterday, the crowd were excellent, which is one thing we haven’t always been this season (and probably the only thing I disagree with you on), but I couldn’t help feel the over the top celebrations were a bit cringe. My actual worry about Ainsworth, bar the 17% possession, which I genuinely feel he’ll develop over next season, is that he enjoys and covets the role of underdog a little too much. Maybe it will suit some of these players, but we need to be a bit more ballsy in what is, as you always point out, a league of very middling standard at best.

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timcocking added 14:08 - Apr 30 Iroegbunam and Field 14 passes between them? Dickie 4, Dunne 2? 20 percent possession? 20? Never heard of anything like that in my life, wouldn’t have thought it’s even possible. Well done Gareth for keeping us up, but sheesh, that’s beyond a joke. Hoping that’s not the long term plan. Don’t see why you’d instruct the players to never pass to a player on your own team all game.

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Nov77 added 14:27 - Apr 30 Spot on, I felt completely detached from all of the ‘celebrations’, standards and expectations have been ‘managed’ down to such a low bar now. Brighton and Brentford had a plan to turn themselves from nonentities into premier league clubs, our owners took over a premier league club and have turned us into nonentities celebrating not getting relegated to the third division.

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Burnleyhoop added 16:45 - Apr 30 It was indeed an awful watch and I’m struggling to reconcile our passing stats with the relative capability of some of our players. The failure or inability to string a few passes together was embarrassing for a professional football team and I can’t believe it is all Ainsworths doing. I suspect the occasion and nerves played a big part in that performance and the tactics were to keep it tight and avoid allowing Stoke too many goal scoring opportunities, but they are an awful team. Nonetheless, we’re safe and the clear out begins. When it comes to recruitment, just who can we trust to get it right? Suppose that depends on who is left in the building following the cull of playing staff and non playing personnel at all levels. It is going to take something fairly special before I feel remotely excited for the start of next season. I don’t think any of us could endure another season like this one.

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Royboy48 added 19:00 - Apr 30 Clive, Clive! 17.00 Sunday and it’s time to log on to check out the latest CW match report. Always the best QPR read of the week and always more than just a report. The anger and frustration of the last six months now manifestly evident in the famous pin sharp wit increasingly acerbic and the conclusions increasingly distilled down into cold irrefutable Truths. This time yesterday I was all smiles. Now I’m puffing my cheeks Jack’s right - sometimes, we can’t handle the Truth Or maybe, better to handle the Truth a wee bit later. A wee bit later after Bristol City perhaps. End of term report? You’ve repeatedly reminded us of revelling in the QPR Moments, the rare Moments of unrestrained joy in a lifetime’s journey of QPR disappointments. Reminded us that this is why we don’t support Chelsea or Man U. Yesterday may not have been up there with Lazarus 67, Rodnee! Stanlee! Fenwick 82, Partizan Highbury, Bailey’s Old Trafford, Sinclair, Holloway’s Hillsborough, Mackie at Derby, Adel at Cardiff, Zamora! Even Charlie v Brentford more recently.. Yesterday was not them, but it was a Moment. 7 days after the last Moment. Let us at least embrace these rare moments. Of course it was an awful game. Of course, this whole collapse should never have happened. The war should never have happened but my parents celebrated 8 May 45. The reckoning came soon after. Time enough for counting, when the dealings done.

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Patrick added 20:54 - Apr 30 Clive, first of all, thank you for keeping us informed/entertained all season. Graveyard humour worthy of a Samuel Beckett award. However you are so right, whatever meeting between the powers that be takes place needs to be an inquest, not a celebration. This has been an absolute car crash of a season, every decision on managers or players shall we say, not obviously right. 🙄 We seem to be in the same situation as 4 seasons ago, 15 out and 15 in. "They" have to trust GA who I hope has a list of G1/2 players in his pocket. Sack whoever chose this season's bunch of losers. (And if that's how I feel when we win....)

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Marshy67 added 21:04 - Apr 30 Well said Royboy48. I think the celebrations yesterday were more of relief and the thought of dropping down into League 1 with all the carnage that would have led to . Yes changes will need to be made between now and the beginning of August but let's not forget that QPR have been playing in the top two divisions-bar three seasons between 2001-04-since 1967! That is quite a remarkable stat for a club of our size.

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extratimeR added 00:49 - May 1 Good god Clive! Ben Pearson was actually out their? That's a bloody shock, yes his unique abilities never normally go unnoticed, shows how awful Stoke have become. Away support was fantastic, yes Dykes MOM for me as well, ( with honourable mention of the suburb Field). Yes, we won't get away with this next year. Excellent report as usual Clive. Cheers!
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062259 added 05:04 - May 1 Home truths writ large. When the dust settles, the biggest consequence of this season will be the value destruction among the consensus “sellable” players, Chair, Willock, Dieng, Dickie and to a lesser extent Dykes and Dunne. None of them have enhanced their value this season and that is a dagger to the heart of this team’s supposed (and admitted) business model. Couple that with the catastrophic 2021/22 losses that will severely hamper financial headroom for next season at least (depending on this season’s financials), and the outlook is bleak.

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PastCaringNW2 added 08:19 - May 1 "This has the potential to get a lot, lot worse without some really quick, clear-headed, decisive action, almost immediately" Well, yes. Quite. This might actually be my favourite of your recent reports, Clive. No romance, no light at the end of the tunnel, just hard cold facts. There are many things that worry me about this team and this club but Ainsworth making out that 18%, 19%, 20% possession is something that had been planned-for rankles. Of course I would rather have a lucky general than not but don't over- egg it son. The idea that the team has brought much more to the table the last fortnight than a wild-eyed desperation is pure self-delusion. This is a very poor team playing in the colours of a rudderless club supported by some of the most patient people in professional sports. Players playing to keep a significant black mark off of their cvs when shopping for new contracts come June rather than any affection for the shirt or any of us. I watched a lot of Southern League and Alliance League football as a kid in the early 70s and most Novembers I would get to see teams of former pros and nearly pros, combining playing for some extra walking-around money with driving cabs, running pubs or wiring houses come up against an actual Football League team in the cup. The part-timers would more often than not gut their way to a fortuitous 1-0 or maybe a replay playing ugly, brutal, gutsy 18% possession football against the likes of Torquay and Darlington and Peterborough. Truth being that the semis pros were pragmatists, supporting families and probably seeing more money each week in total than the full-timers they were pitted against. The suspension of disbelief that was required while witnessing out-of-condition bruisers wading through mud in search of some kind of personal redemption masked the fact that the same match-up, taken out of the context of the cup, would 9 times out of 10 be if not a cricket score then an ice hockey score the other way. It is the kind of football that is exhausting to watch and while it might have been the sort of thing that would get the mayor, the local paper and On The Ball excited for a week or so, everyone knew deep down the inevitability of the 4-0 drubbing that was waiting in January when a team of over weight misfits would come up against a switched-on side of actual athletes with even a modicum of self-respect. Continue like this and we are *that* team except we are that team every single week. Every game feeling like we are hanging in there, absorbing pressure, hoping for a lucky punch and an opponent without the wherewithal to punch back. There are points to be won with that approach but I doubt there are 50 given that the league looks like it is going to get a lot stronger with its fresh intake from both ends. A lot of the deadwood is being cut away. We haven't actually seen Ainsworth try this kind of thing at home yet. It will be interesting to see how patient everyone is come November, if it turns out that grim, attritional, house-to-house defending is going to be the actual strategy and Wycombe's 39 goals in 46 (and significantly less than a goal a game at home) is the actual template he is most comfortable with. You probably wont see people on the pitch calling for blood but you wont see many people in the stands either.

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Loft1979 added 21:59 - May 1 'A year later, when the promotion push they’d tried to induce had collapsed into four wins from the final 20 matches, '... Lots of talking points there but I choose this one as my central point. ..Every season for possibly the last 3 rounds QPR have stirred hope only to land at about the same finishing point. MW had us raging then right at the Jan31 mark with fresh imports CRASH. So much so I think John Eustace lost any consideration as head coach. I also think your stature as a credible opinion is vetted by your statement on having to cover the missteps of the past season. I think Willock, Chair and Dykes are fodder for teams looking at players. I would not be surprised if Beale comes for Lyndon. What I dont look forward to is the inevitable changes behind the scenes as QPR again changes its identity. Looking at the division, it is well populated with ex-premiership teams on the down turn so we are hardly alone.

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TacticalR added 23:20 - May 2 Thanks for your report. A grim game of football. We dug in, and Stoke didn't have the players to break us down. On the one hand it's amazing that we couldn't take of advantage of the fact that Jagielka at centre-back was playing walking football, on the other hand our defensive approach worked. On the positive side Ainsworth's task was to keep us up by getting some wins on the board, and he has managed to do it. Our rise and fall had a lot to do with the form of Johansen, and I think Ainsworth realised that Johansen has become a passenger. I think you are completely right to put this win in perspective. It's a relief, but how did we get here in the first place?

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