| Corny Joke Warning 16:56 - Aug 29 with 824380 views | Boston |
What vehicle do electricians prefer to drive?
A Volts Wagon. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:33 - Apr 15 with 9259 views | HAYESBOY |
Bit of trivia.....My c0ck was in the Guinness book of records.
Until the Librarian told me to take it out. |  |
| Smells like a trout farm in here |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:53 - Apr 16 with 9078 views | Sonofpugwash |
Police are warning people to beware of a man going round attacking people with knitting needles.
They say he may be following some kind of pattern. |  |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 17:35 - Apr 16 with 8999 views | Boston |
Lady was just about to hop into the shower when the doorbell rang.
Shouting out, she enquires as to who is at the door
"Blind man" comes the reply.
In a hurry and noting the man couldn' t see, she opens the door without getting dressed.
"How can I help you", she asks?
"I'm here to hang the blinds, love". [Post edited 16 Apr 2022 17:36]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:05 - Apr 21 with 8732 views | Esox_Lucius |
Crows and Ravens are quite similar birds apart from one particular fact...
Did you know that Ravens have 17 pinion feathers, while Crows only have 16?
So really, the difference between a Raven and a Crow is a matter of a pinion. |  |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:03 - Apr 21 with 8689 views | Sonofpugwash |
I lost two fingers on my right hand and asked the doctor if I would be able to write again.
"Yes,but I wouldn't count on it." | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 00:15 - Apr 22 with 8531 views | Boston |
Politicians should be treated like nappies, change regularly and for the same reason. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 11:31 - Apr 22 with 8414 views | Sonofpugwash |
My mate Dave gets his kicks inflating animals with helium.
Whatever floats your goat I suppose. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 08:10 - Apr 27 with 8215 views | Esox_Lucius |
There’s nothing worse than having a Cranberries song stuck in your heeeeaaaaad, in your heeeeeeaaaaaad… | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 15:38 - Apr 28 with 8033 views | qprphil |
Ten priests were killed in a road accident..... At the Pearly Gates St Peter says,
" if any of you are paedophiles, then go to Hell." Nine priests start walking away, when St Peter shouts,
" And take the deaf c--t with you." | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 09:28 - Apr 29 with 7921 views | Sonofpugwash |
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus spilled its load on the M25.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, surprised, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, confounded, astonished, and numbed. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:21 - Apr 29 with 7766 views | Boston |
When I was younger and blessed with a robust constitution, I drank ever type of strong beer that was available, usually to excess.
Now I'm rounding third base, I've finally seen the...
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| Corny Joke Warning on 23:02 - Apr 29 with 7754 views | colinallcars |
I was having a pint this lunchtime with a bloke who played keyboards in an 80s synth-pop band. When I left the pub I said “ well see ya, don't synthesize anything I wouldn't synthesize” |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 17:09 - May 3 with 7588 views | Esox_Lucius |
Woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol! "Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol."
Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words:
"While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
"If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!” | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:52 - May 3 with 7452 views | Sonofpugwash |
I asked my wife what women really wanted.
She said 'attentive lovers'. Or ' a tent of lovers', or something.
I wasn't really listening. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 16:39 - May 4 with 7316 views | Esox_Lucius |
I went to a fortune teller last night and she warned me someone was going to con me out of some money,
I’m glad I went, it was the best £100 I’ve ever spent. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:23 - May 4 with 7226 views | NewBee |
| Corny Joke Warning on 16:39 - May 4 by Esox_Lucius |
I went to a fortune teller last night and she warned me someone was going to con me out of some money,
I’m glad I went, it was the best £100 I’ve ever spent. |
She saw you coming.
Which brings to mind a hypnotist I know.
I've told him, there's no way he can hypnotise me, which I remind him of every week when I go round to wash his car. [Post edited 4 May 2022 19:26]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 19:39 - May 4 with 7211 views | Sonofpugwash |
I once won a lifetime's supply of spam but I frittered it away. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 20:58 - May 4 with 7152 views | NewBee |
| Corny Joke Warning on 19:39 - May 4 by Sonofpugwash |
I once won a lifetime's supply of spam but I frittered it away. |
Your spam or your life? | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 19:37 - May 5 with 6923 views | johann28 |
A Tommy Cooper one:
Went to the doctors, he said, 'well I'm sorry but I've got some bad news and some even worse news'.
'Ok' I said, 'let's do it gradually, what's the least bad news'?
He said, 'well ... You've got just 24 hours to live'.
'Jezus', I said. 'What on earth could be worse than that'?
Well he says, 'I was trying to get hold of you all day yesterday'. |  | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 12:40 - May 6 with 6727 views | Sonofpugwash |
Very enjoyable walk with the dog this morning.Found an old gravestone at the side of the road,the guy was 114!
He was Miles from London. | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:17 - May 7 with 6533 views | lightwaterhoop |
I asked a Polish guy at work to tell me a typical Polish joke.After a short while he came back with this.
If you have a German on one side of you and a Russian on the other side which one do you shoot first?
The German, because business come before pleasure! [Post edited 8 May 2022 0:02]
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| Corny Joke Warning on 22:54 - May 7 with 6484 views | johann28 |
Billy Connolly. Back in the days when comedians used to tell jokes.
Imagine Scottish accent.
So there's these two guys on the top of the Empire State building having a chat. And a tourist comes up and starts gazing and taking pictures, and one of the guys nudges the other, and the other guy shakes his head.
'Hey there' says the first guy to the tourist. 'It's amazing isn't it?'
'Yeah' says the tourist. 'Best view ever'.
'You know you can fly?', says the guy.
'Yeah right' says the tourist.
'No man, you really can. It's all in the mind, ye see?'
'The mind? Yeah right'
'The power of the mind' the guy continues. 'Serious now. If I chucked myself off this building, and flipped my arms like a wee bird, I'd come floating back.'
'Ha' says the tourist. Power of the mind and the flip!! Ok, big boy, show me!'
Ok then, says the guy. 'Get a load of this'.
He chucks himself off .... and as they're gazing with horror, he does the flip, and he floats back to safety.
'Oh my fkg God!!!!!!' says the tourist. That's just the most most amazing fkg thing ive ever seen!!!!'
Aye 'I told you didn't I, eh? The power of the mind, and the flip. You have a go'.
'Not a chance mate'
'Practice it. Just concentrate and start flipping. There ye go. Ye can do it man, anyone can'
'Show me again'. Says the tourist.
The guy raises his eyebrows, and does it again.
'Holy fkg fk!!!!' says the tourist. 'It's fkg incredible'.
'Practise it. Just do the flip. Concentrate. I'll take some pictures, you can tell your friends. You'll be famous'.
'Ok'.
Gulp. Power of the mind, and the flip. Tourist gets ready. Can't do it.
'Ill give you a shove'
'Noooo ...'
Tourist sinks through the air. Concentrates. Starts flipping. And flipping. Oh no.
SPLAT on the pavement.
Second guy says to the first guy, 'You know, for a fkg angel you can be a real bastard sometimes'. | | | |
| Corny Joke Warning on 08:18 - May 14 with 6119 views | Esox_Lucius |
| Corny Joke Warning on 22:54 - May 7 by johann28 |
Billy Connolly. Back in the days when comedians used to tell jokes.
Imagine Scottish accent.
So there's these two guys on the top of the Empire State building having a chat. And a tourist comes up and starts gazing and taking pictures, and one of the guys nudges the other, and the other guy shakes his head.
'Hey there' says the first guy to the tourist. 'It's amazing isn't it?'
'Yeah' says the tourist. 'Best view ever'.
'You know you can fly?', says the guy.
'Yeah right' says the tourist.
'No man, you really can. It's all in the mind, ye see?'
'The mind? Yeah right'
'The power of the mind' the guy continues. 'Serious now. If I chucked myself off this building, and flipped my arms like a wee bird, I'd come floating back.'
'Ha' says the tourist. Power of the mind and the flip!! Ok, big boy, show me!'
Ok then, says the guy. 'Get a load of this'.
He chucks himself off .... and as they're gazing with horror, he does the flip, and he floats back to safety.
'Oh my fkg God!!!!!!' says the tourist. That's just the most most amazing fkg thing ive ever seen!!!!'
Aye 'I told you didn't I, eh? The power of the mind, and the flip. You have a go'.
'Not a chance mate'
'Practice it. Just concentrate and start flipping. There ye go. Ye can do it man, anyone can'
'Show me again'. Says the tourist.
The guy raises his eyebrows, and does it again.
'Holy fkg fk!!!!' says the tourist. 'It's fkg incredible'.
'Practise it. Just do the flip. Concentrate. I'll take some pictures, you can tell your friends. You'll be famous'.
'Ok'.
Gulp. Power of the mind, and the flip. Tourist gets ready. Can't do it.
'Ill give you a shove'
'Noooo ...'
Tourist sinks through the air. Concentrates. Starts flipping. And flipping. Oh no.
SPLAT on the pavement.
Second guy says to the first guy, 'You know, for a fkg angel you can be a real bastard sometimes'. |
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[Post edited 14 May 2022 12:44]
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| The grass is always greener. |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 10:49 - May 14 with 6063 views | Sonofpugwash |
Just had a delivery guy round who asked me what the time was.
So I said "anytime between 8.30 and 5.30". | |
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| Corny Joke Warning on 12:45 - May 14 with 6007 views | Esox_Lucius |
I applied for a position where I would have to explain comedians's jokes to people.
I didn't get it. | |
| The grass is always greener. |
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