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A policeman knocked my door yesterday and said "im sorry to bother you sir, but we've had a report that your dog has chased somebody on a bike", load of bolloxs i said, my dog doesn't even own a bike!! ðŸ¶
You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
Everytime I turn on the news all I hear about is Sunni and Shia trying to blow each other up. It's such a shame, they used to get on great when they sing "I got you babe".
The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'
A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please and you are all total kunts that want,want and fuking want. Like the rest, you are also nothing but a greedy good for nothing kunt. No wonder you are on you own you fat horrible ugly kunt that should be left on the shelf. Just what you fuking deserve. Now fuk off! Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer and fuk you whenever you desire!
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited......
A tandem rider is stopped by the police. “What have I done wrong?” says the rider. “Perhaps you didn’t notice, sir, but your wife fell off half a mile back”. “Thank god for that,” says the rider. “I thought I’d gone deaf”.
A vicar was stopped by the police at night for not having a back light. The vicar says: “I don’t need a back light, the Lord is with me”. The policeman says: “Two on a bike as well, that’s another offence”.
A cyclist lying on his deathbed asked his best friend to do him a favour when he’d gone. “Anything,” replied his friend. “Just don’t let my wife sell my bikes for what I told her I paid for them,” he begged.
A penguin is driving along, eating an ice cream, when his car starts making a funny noise. He decides to stop off at the local garage.
The polar bear mechanic lifts the bonnet, pokes around, then shakes his head. Looking up at the driver he says, 'Looks like you've blown a seal, mate!'
'Nah.' says the penguin. 'I've been eating ice cream.'
The first ever recipient of a Planet Swans Lifetime Achievement Award.
I went to the dentist and asked "how much to get a tooth out", he said 150 quid, I said A HUNDRED AND FIFTY QUID! ! He said yeah, 50 quid for the nurse, 50 quid for the chair and 50 quid for the anisthetic. I said forgot the nurse, forget the chair, forget the anisthetic. How much? He said a tenner, but it'll hurt. Done, I said. I'll just go and get the wife.'
You might think I've forgotten, but one day, when you least expect it, my time will come.
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