| Day 1 My Dearest Darling John I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a delightful gift. Thank you darling for the lovely thought. With deep love and affection always, Your Loving Agnes. Day 2 My Dearest John Today the postman bought your very sweet Two TurtleDoves. I am delighted, they are adorable. All my love forever, Agnes.
Day 3 Dearest John Oh, how extravagant you are, I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French Hens. I insist you are too kind. My Love Agnes
Day 4 Dear John What can I say. Four calling Birds arrived this morning with the postman. Your kindness is too much. Love Agnes
Day 5 Dearest John What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five gold rings, one for each finger. You really are an impossible boy, but I love you. Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and are getting on my nerves. Your Loving Agnes
Day 6 Dear John When I opened the door this morning there were actually six bloody great geese laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all? The neighbours are beginning to smell them and I cannot sleep. Please STOP sending them. Agnes
Day 7 John What is it with you and these f g birds? Now I get seven swans a swimming. Is this some sort of sodding joke? The house is full of bird shit and it's not funny any more. Stop sending these bloody birds. Agnes
Day 8 OK Buster I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It's enough with those bloody birds but now I have eight cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night. Lay Off, Agnes
Day 9 LOOK CRAPHEAD What are you? Some Kind of nut? Now I have nine pipers playing and Christ do they play!!! When they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they are chasing the maids through the cow shit. The cows keep mooing and trampling all over the bloody birds and the neighbours are threatening to have me evicted. Get Knotted, Agnes
Day 10 YOU ROTTEN BASTARD Now I have ten ladies dancing. How on earth you can call these whores 'ladies' is beyond me. They are pulling the pipers all night long, the cows can't sleep and have diarrhoea. My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation. Piss Off, Agnes
Day 11 LISTEN SHITFACE What with the eleven lords leaping all over the maids and me, I shall never walk again. The pipers are fighting the lords for crumpet and committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 birds are dead and rotting, having been trampled on during the orgy. I hope you are satisfied. Your sworn enemy Agnes
Day 12 YOU STINKING LOUSY SHIT Twelve drummers have teamed up with the pipers and are making one hell of a f g din. Both lots have been buggering the lords as well as the cows and Christ knows what's happened to the milkmaids. They've probably drowned in Cow shit by now. The only way I've saved myself from being screwed to death is by hiding up that sodding pear tree which has been so well fertilised by shit that it has grown through the bloody roof. FUCK OFF AGNES | 
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