| Shìt Joke thread..... 21:41 - Nov 20 with 89704 views | Swanjaxs |
My blond 19 year old next door neighbour has just asked me if I know about missing items from her washing line? ...
I nearly shìt her knickers 😮
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:06 - Apr 13 with 3546 views | Neath_Jack |
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they
struck up a conversation.
The Black Labrador turned to the
Yellow Labrador and said, "So why are you here?"
The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything ... the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Black Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do? "
"Gonna cut my nuts off to calm me down," came the reply from the Yellow
Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you
here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big
hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you
here?
"I'm an humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and
she was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.
I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So,
it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!" |  |
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:29 - Apr 13 with 3508 views | Thrasher6 |
My Grandfather once told me....when one door closes...another door opens...
Lovely fella....awful cabinet maker... |  |
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:31 - Apr 13 with 3505 views | dickythorpe |
Knock knock
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery. |  | | |
| Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:32 - Apr 13 with 3500 views | Highjack |
It’s always awful to read in the news about all the conflict between Sunni and Shia. They seemed to get on great when they sung I got you babe. |  |
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:43 - Apr 13 with 3480 views | sainthelens |
Back in the day, my grandfather was in the circus, as an incontinent trapeze artist.
He used to come on to warm the crowd up. |  | | |
| Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:47 - Apr 13 with 3472 views | sainthelens |
Before the lockdown, I went to see an acupuncturist. He said " what's the problem?".
I said " well I keep getting pins n needles in my legs ". | | | |
| Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:48 - Apr 13 with 3469 views | theloneranger |
The wife said ... "If you're bored, why don't you make a bird table??"
Now she's right p1ssed off, because I've put her in fifth place!! |  |
| Everyday above ground ... Is a good day! 😎 |
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 17:51 - Apr 13 with 3453 views | sainthelens |
We were on the plane recently, stewardess doing the safety before take off said " in the event of an emergency, put yer head between yer legs".
The reply was " if I could do that, I wouldn't be going to Thailand!". | | | |
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:00 - Apr 13 with 3425 views | Highjack |
Did you hear about that time Jennifer Grey walked in on Arnold Schwarzenegger secretly eating a hundred chocolate eggs? He said “Have to love Easter baby.” | |
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:09 - Apr 13 with 3402 views | Joe_bradshaw |
The Pope had become very Ill and his five doctors examined him and discussed their findings. They told the cardinals that they had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex with a woman.
Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctors and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I will talk to god and ask for his guidance".
The following day the Pope assembled the cardinals and told them that god had told him to have sex with a woman but there were four conditions about the woman that must be met.
The cardinals were surprised and asked "what are the four conditions?”
The room stilled. There was a long pause.
The Pope replied, “First, the woman must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with.
The cardinals were delighted and said that truly god has spoken to the holy father. "What is the second condition"? They asked.
"The second condition is that she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with, in case I cry out at the awfulness of it all" said the Pope.
The cardinals were ecstatic. Truly the holy father had heard God's voice.
"What is the third condition "? They asked.
And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.” said the Pope.
After a long pause a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition, holy father?”
The Pope replied, “Really big tits.” |  |
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:13 - Apr 13 with 3341 views | Thrasher6 |
To save our relationship I thought I would do something to spice up our sex life by buying a waterbed.
It was no good...
We ended up just drifting apart..... | |
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:28 - Apr 13 with 3308 views | perplex |
Big roided up guy in the pub keeps staring at me, so I give him the finger, he storms over and screams in my face saying do you know who I fcuking am,
so I turn to the lads and say boys there`s a guy here who does not know who he is.  |  | | |
| Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:43 - Apr 13 with 3290 views | BrynCartwright |
| Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:28 - Apr 13 by perplex |
Big roided up guy in the pub keeps staring at me, so I give him the finger, he storms over and screams in my face saying do you know who I fcuking am,
so I turn to the lads and say boys there`s a guy here who does not know who he is. |
Is he Ronnie Pickering? |  |
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 20:55 - Apr 13 with 3239 views | Nortbankboy |
| Shìt Joke thread..... on 19:43 - Apr 13 by BrynCartwright |
Is he Ronnie Pickering? |
Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD,s?
In Iraq! | | | |
| Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:31 - Apr 13 with 3194 views | airedale |
Good joke.
I realised when I read it that the first time I heard it, it was Bing Crosby (Bing sings but Walt Disney).
The joke has changed, obviously because most people today haven’t heard of Bing Crosby.
I’m an old fart aren’t I? |  | | |
| Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:54 - Apr 13 with 3165 views | Flashberryjack |
She was only the welders daughter......but she had acetylene t*ts. |  |
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:04 - Apr 13 with 3162 views | longlostjack |
| Shìt Joke thread..... on 21:31 - Apr 13 by airedale |
Good joke.
I realised when I read it that the first time I heard it, it was Bing Crosby (Bing sings but Walt Disney).
The joke has changed, obviously because most people today haven’t heard of Bing Crosby.
I’m an old fart aren’t I? |
I must be too young. I don’t get it? |  |
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:25 - Apr 13 with 3143 views | WarwickHunt |
| Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:04 - Apr 13 by longlostjack |
I must be too young. I don’t get it? |
Dis nae - doesn’t. Hoots mon. D’ya ken? |  | | |
| Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:28 - Apr 13 with 3135 views | Swanjaxs |
Two parrots on a perch...
One turns to the other and says "can you smell fish?" | |
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:40 - Apr 13 with 3118 views | TNT |
I bought a car from one of The Krays.
Reg?
No, Ronnie. | |
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:43 - Apr 13 with 4441 views | theloneranger |
... "DID YOU KNOW THAT" ...
When the DNA results from Osama Bin Laden's body came back
They contained ...
52% coconut ... 28% chocolate ... 12% milk ... and 8% sugar ...
Forensic experts said this was probably due to the fact that ....
"He had a Bounty on his head" ...!! | |
| Everyday above ground ... Is a good day! 😎 |
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 12:15 - Apr 14 with 4302 views | dna |
Went to a Hot Chocolate themed picnic - It started with a quiche.
>
>
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The Abba tribute band were loud - you could hear the drums from Nandos |  | | |
| Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:21 - Apr 14 with 4269 views | WxmJax |
| Shìt Joke thread..... on 22:40 - Apr 13 by TNT |
I bought a car from one of The Krays.
Reg?
No, Ronnie. |
Next time....
What Reg ?
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| Shìt Joke thread..... on 13:51 - Apr 14 with 4251 views | Jinxy |
Why was 10 scared? Because 7 8 9. |  | | |
| Shìt Joke thread..... on 18:39 - Apr 14 with 4175 views | perplex |
Knock knock
who`s there
Adolph
Adolph who
Adolph ball hit me in the mouth and I can`t speak properly. | | | |
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