QPR travel to Huddersfield on Saturday in the Championship - mercifully, the last fixture to be played before the transfer window "slams shut" on Tuesday evening.
Well friends, it is that moment again. Unto the breach once more, over the top, into the abyss. We have arrived.
Not, I hasten to add, at Huddersfield Town v Queens Park Rangers — an actual football match between two football teams, and therefore a complete irrelevance during the month of August. No, August hasn’t been about the playing of football for some time now. August is about the footballers moving around, and on Tuesday it all comes to a glorious climax. That’s right, it’s Transfer Deadline Day. Which we cap up. Because it’s a thing.
Transfer Deadline Day is loathsome. Mainly because it celebrates everything that is hideous in English football — foreign owned community assets chucking disgusting sums of money at mediocre players and their associated hangers on while charging a father £70 to get in with his young son and watch Sunderland v Stoke. Darmesh Shethsh, a sharp-suited, close-cropped Sky Sports reporter who can occasionally be found signing autographs on South Africa Road before QPR games as if he too were one of the actual footballers, stands in front of a totaliser like Terry Wogan on Children in Need night and celebrates the grotesque excess, as if it’s something good, as if it’s worthy, as if it’s going anywhere of any use. "We’re telling last year’s total ‘talk to the hand, because this face aint listening’” he says. And people laugh before going straight to hell without passing Go or collecting £200.
But it’s a hateful thing for a multitude of other reasons. It seems questionable legally, for a start. We’re always told, as one more famous old English football institution passes into the incompetent hands of a megalomaniac from the Far East, that football clubs are businesses, it’s a capitalist model, and there’s nothing the league can really do to stop it happening. And yet when it comes to transfers, there’s only a finite number of set dates when you can move them in and out of your company. What sort of business is this? The EU could actually make themselves useful here. Never mind whether our bananas are bent enough, or whether we can call that pork pie a Melton Mowbray pork pie when it was actually baked in Asfordby, how about sorting this bloody mess out?
It’s also spawned a whole industry of people who make a living by lying to people. Click bait websites, prolific Twitter accounts, unnamed sources, in the know journalist wannabees, made up works of fiction, pitifully tiny success rates — but who’s the fool here? The person peddling it and earning money, or the football fan clicking on it because even though, deep down, they know this person always has spoken a load of shit, they really want it to be true that QPR are actually signing Roberto Baggio?
And also because Sky call it "Jim White Day”.
Transfer Deadline Day is increasingly important to Sky, because you can’t sell the rights to it which means they can’t lose it to BT. That means there’s no danger of a repeat of yesterday when they were forced to show ageing highlights of MLS games on a loop while football fans gathered round the BT channels to find out which Champions League groups the same 16 teams as last season will progress from this time around. It needs to be a big thing for Sky. They need you to sit around and reminisce about the time Man City spunked £30m on Robinho (who turned out to be crap) or when that Everton fan drove to the club’s training ground especially to thrust a purple dildo in the ear of the reporter as he told us James McCarthy was on his way over from Wigan for a medical examination. Without it there will soon only be Rugby League and MLS. Endless, back-to-back, round-the-clock, MLS.
They’ll ridicule you for pointing out the farcical hype of it all, the shameful excess, and the fact that most of the players shifting around are overpriced and not very good. "Some people don’t like excitement, but if you do then join us …” said Jim a couple of years back. Michael Barrymore probably says something similar to that when he e-mails round invites to his latest pool party.
Sky will film Jim White arriving in the studio, putting on his yellow tie (which is also a thing), dropping in on other Sky shows, and get him to tell that story about Harry Redknapp ringing him during a commercial break to say that Robbie Keane had gone to Celtic on a three month loan deal. He’s like that guy that works in your mate’s office, who you hear stories about all the time, who organises all the stag dos and drinks all the shots and is an all-round Bantersaurus Rex. Transfer Deadline Day is the day you go out with your mate after work for drinks and this guy’s there, loudly telling the whole pub that he thinks he’s given the receptionist syphilis but hasn’t told her yet, and popping hilarious things into your pint while you’re in the toilet. Sky, and your mate, think Jim, and this guy, are fucking brilliant but you, and every other right-minded individual, think he’s a monstrous human being. When you leave early to get away from him he jumps on your back and tries to ride you like a Bucking Bronco and everybody laughs except you.
Viz had it right: "Recreate the drama of Transfer Deadline Day by waiting until 30 seconds before the work canteen closes then rushing up to the counter and paying £8 for a Pot Noodle.” Or "audition for a job as a Sky Sports reporter on Transfer Deadline Day by standing in a field and lying about things.”
"Why” somebody will ask, at some point, "do they leave it to the last minute?” Why, when they’ve had all summer, are we all forced to collude in the illusion that Rafael van der Vaart definitely signed for Spurs before 23.00 but the fax machine was broken? Same reason that at 05.00 on Boxing Day morning, you’ll find people queueing in the snow on some desolate retail park in Corby, chewing the skin round their finger nails and talking about how it's a big conspiracy that some prick won X Factor ahead of some other prick, with bin liners in their hands waiting for the doors to open on the Next sale. Next. Because people think they might get it a tiny bit cheaper. You may think you’d rather pay the extra fiver for that jumper and stay in bed on Boxing Day morning, just the same as you may think you’d rather gargle cold cat piss than go around Westfield the day after you’ve had a skinfull on Christmas Day. You may think if you were getting £100m a year from the television companies, and paying Scott Dann £60,000 a week, that you’d rather pay £15m for Charlie Austin on August 1 and have him to start your season rather than wait a month in case you can get him for £13.25m. But then, rich people didn’t get rich by giving it away.
For QPR it will come as a blessed relief because it will mean that finally - after six weeks of pre-season, four weeks of the actual season, seven competitive matches that count for points and cups and things — they’ll know what squad they’re picking from this season. It could be a squad with Matt Phillips, Charlie Austin, Sandro and Leroy Fer in it. Or it could be a squad with none of those, and only Leon Best’s prolific strike rate to keep us warm at night.
It’s been a long, ball-acheing summer. And it’s over at 18.00 (broken fax machines not withstanding) on Tuesday. But fear not, Championship clubs are allowed to start signing players on loan a week later.
When they strap me to the chair please let them know the murders were just.
Links >>> Macca’s injury time cup winner — history >>> Praise for Smithies, Butterfield’s future — interview >>> Travel Guide >>> Wright in charge — referee >>> Back Phillips for a parting shot — betting
Paul Furlong wheels away to celebrate the first of his brace in this fixture in 2002/03. Rangers won 3-0, with Danny Shittu powering in the other goal, as they staged a remarkable recovery over the second half of the season to reach the Second Division play-off final. Furlong’s goals took him from public enemy number one to one of the genuine modern day legends of the club.
Huddersfield are in a similar situation, waiting for the window to close so their star man Jacob Butterfield’s future is resolved. They’ve signed Mustapha Carayol and Emyr Huws on loan this week and both look set to start but Sean Scannell (having a new boiler fitted) is a doubt.
Elsewhere: If you’re missing a musical montage of cobbled streets, terraced housing and disease-riddled stray cats lounging about the place I suspedct Sky may be able to sort your fix this evening as the Mad Chicken Farmers host Bolton in a Lancashire derby. Something about hot pot here, God I can’t be arsed any more.
Saturday is a day of the week with a Y in it so there’s a live Champions of Europe match. They’re at Derby this weekend who have shone a harsh light on Paul Clement’s Championship naivety by failing to win any of their first four games while also highlighting just what a wonderful coach Paul Clement is by remaining unbeaten so far.
Everybody else is playing at 15.00, including Abacus on their newly laid pitch — nice of them to rejoin us — against Waitrose. Tigers Tigers Rah Rah Rah host Preston, Mick McCarthy’s league leading Island of Misfit Toys are at home to Brighton and the Franchise host Birmingham. The Trees are at home to Cardiff while Rupert and Tarquin are slumming it in Rotherham. Sheff Wed v Middlesbrough and Wolves v Charlton make up the list.
One to keep an eye on at Bristol City where reckless spending Burnley can debut Captain Ego and Andre Gray. QPR recruiting the Burnley CEO and scouting lower leagues and Holland while Burnley suddenly spaff £9m on a striker and give Jesus Barton another platform for his pseudo-intellectual bile is an odd turn of events, but one to be celebrated.
Referee: Championship stalwart Kevin Wright is the man in the middle for this one, his first QPR game since our 3-2 dead rubber win at Barnsley in the 2013/14 promotion season. If you’re one of those people who should get out a bit more, his full list of QPR matches and stats is available here.
QPR: Rangers’ annual early-round League Cup surrender to lower league opposition during the week was a shame not only because it knocked the team out of one of the three things they’re supposed to be playing for this season, but also because it upset an unbeaten run that was calming the Chris Ramsey criticism and starting to win people over. Needless to say, one reserve team defeat to Carlisle later and the knives have been drawn once more. In the league Rangers have conceded two goals in every game they’ve played, but have scored nine in the last three and won two and drawn one of four so far. Although Chris Ramsey's results since taking over in February were very poor overall, he did manage to improve the club's away form. A dozen games played, a dozen games lost and only six goals scored under Harry Redknapp, Rangers went on to win two and draw one of the last seven on the road last season scoring 13 in the process. They did, however, lose the last two road matches of last season by an aggregate score of 11-1.
Betting: Professional odds compiler Owen Goulding tells us…
"QPR travel north to see if they can continue their recent good run in the League. Paying any attention to the cup match with regards this game would be futile - as most fans have already worked out, QPR have a decent first choice side at present but not much strength in depth. Massimo Luongo, Tjaronn Chery, Ale Faurlin et al will be back for this one and that trio have been the main reason behind Rangers ability to look as though they can score with every attack. Defensively we have a lot to learn and it’s hard not to see a few goals again here.
"Huddersfield will surprise a few this season but avoiding relegation must be their aim. They have yet to win this season and in fact you have to go back to April last year to find their last victory. They have however, scored in all but one of their games this season, and Nakhi Wells in particular will fancy his chances of netting against the Rangers defence. They are hard to beat though, and go into this game on the back of three consecutive 1-1 draws.
"It’s a tough one to call, but i can see a high scoring draw developing. Assuming he starts, I recommend a bet on Matt Phillips netting at a tasty 11/2 on what is likely to be his last appearance for the club, and I'll throw a few quid away on a 2-2 draw at a tempting 14/1.”
Recommended Bets: QPR v Huddersfield - 2-2 Correct Score @ 14/1 (Will Hill/Betway)
Matt Phillips to Score Anytime @ 11/2 (Stan James)
Prediction: Reigning Prediction League champion ISawQPRatWhiteCity tells us…
"Huddersfield away should be more difficult than their league position might suggest. They were unlucky not to win at Fulham and they held Brighton to a draw which suggest they are on the improve after a poor start to the season. Our form is all over the place, so I'm going to punt on a semi-decent performance from us and follow Huddersfield's recent history."
Jim’s Prediction: Huddersfield 1-1 QPR - Scorer: Charlie Austin
LFW’s Prediction: Huddersfield 1-1 QPR — Scorer: Charlie Austin
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