| Monday joke 10:48 - Dec 17 with 8173 views | loftboy |
My best mate died a couple of months ago and I miss him awfully.I hit upon the idea of attending a seance to try and make contact with him.As we all sat around the table holding hands calling on the deceased, my best mate suddenly started talking as if he's in the room."Cor...hello Mickey!" I shouted. "How are things with you?""It's great here, absolutely fantastic" he started to reply. "I wake up in the morning, I eat a vegetarian breakfast, then its shagging all morning right up to lunch time. When I've finished my vegetarian lunch, it's shagging again all afternoon right up to dinner time when once I've finished my vegetarian dinner, it's shagging right up till bed time.""Wow, it sounds great! Where are you, Heaven or Hell?""Neither," he says, "I'm a rabbit on Hampstead Heath." |  |
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| Monday joke on 10:50 - Dec 17 with 4758 views | smegma |
"I'm a rabbit on Hampstead Heath."
Or George Michael. |  | | |
| Monday joke on 10:50 - Dec 17 with 4753 views | loftboy |
The wife was trying to be sexy last night. She lay on the bed sliding her lollipop in and out of her fanny & then licking it. "Steady love", I said. "You'll need that in the morning to see the kids across the road!" | |
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| Monday joke on 10:53 - Dec 17 with 4740 views | WokingR |
My new Indian girlfriend is a dirty cow.
She told me last night how she wanted me to give her a facial.
I was so turned on I nearly came on the spot |  | | |
| Monday joke on 11:03 - Dec 17 with 4713 views | smegma |
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own vimto.
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| Monday joke on 11:05 - Dec 17 with 4697 views | hoof_hearted |
I know I'm in a permanent good mood after Saturday but I'm crying here. Keep them coming. |  | | |
| Monday joke on 11:05 - Dec 17 with 4692 views | rongould |
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Dave's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Dave's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Dave sitting there with a tent set up, Firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit Dave, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled
her hands off, And she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am ... You guys want a beer?
[Post edited 1 Jan 1970 1:00]
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| Monday joke on 11:05 - Dec 17 with 4688 views | Mytch_QPR |
| Monday joke on 11:03 - Dec 17 by smegma |
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own vimto.
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Talking about dyslexics, my wife sent me a text saying 'I love Anal' - turns out she's run off with my mate Alan. |  |
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| Monday joke on 11:06 - Dec 17 with 4682 views | smegma |
| Monday joke on 11:05 - Dec 17 by rongould |
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Dave's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Dave's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Dave sitting there with a tent set up, Firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shit Dave, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled
her hands off, And she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom.
The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, Here I am ... You guys want a beer?
[Post edited 1 Jan 1970 1:00]
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If he found 'Mark sitting there' why did Dave start talking ??? | | | |
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| Monday joke on 11:11 - Dec 17 with 4655 views | smegma |
Police were called to a Pizza Hut in Fulham at the weekend, after the body of a worker was found covered in mushrooms, onions, ham and cheese. A police spokesman said that the cause of death had not been established but there was a strong possibility that the man had topped himself.
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| Monday joke on 11:15 - Dec 17 with 4624 views | headhoops |
I had to take my goldfish to the vets.
The vet said - Whats wrong with him.
I said he's got epilespy.
The vet replied - I can't see anything wrong with him.
I said, I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet..... |  |
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| Monday joke on 11:17 - Dec 17 with 4614 views | hoof_hearted |
| Monday joke on 11:06 - Dec 17 by smegma |
If he found 'Mark sitting there' why did Dave start talking ??? |
He didn't want to be called Dave. His real name was Patrick. | | | |
| Monday joke on 11:23 - Dec 17 with 4584 views | rongould |
| Monday joke on 11:06 - Dec 17 by smegma |
If he found 'Mark sitting there' why did Dave start talking ??? |
Bit of bad editing. I nicked it from a bloke called Mark, and wanted to disguise it a bit. Failed miserably. | | | |
| Monday joke on 11:28 - Dec 17 with 4561 views | loftboy |
I call the bloke who's having an affair with my wife "Mr. Muscle"Not because he's muscular, but because he does the jobs I hate. | |
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| Monday joke on 11:29 - Dec 17 with 4551 views | loftboy |
I asked the waiter, "What looks good to you tonight?""The stuffed pork is fabulous." He repliedMy wife asked, "What did he say again?""He said you look good." | |
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| Monday joke on 11:42 - Dec 17 with 4521 views | TW_R |
| Monday joke on 11:05 - Dec 17 by Mytch_QPR |
Talking about dyslexics, my wife sent me a text saying 'I love Anal' - turns out she's run off with my mate Alan. |
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa. |  | | |
| Monday joke on 11:48 - Dec 17 with 4499 views | smegma |
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
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| Monday joke on 11:55 - Dec 17 with 4476 views | BlackCrowe |
| Monday joke on 11:15 - Dec 17 by headhoops |
I had to take my goldfish to the vets.
The vet said - Whats wrong with him.
I said he's got epilespy.
The vet replied - I can't see anything wrong with him.
I said, I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet..... |
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| Monday joke on 12:04 - Dec 17 with 4459 views | DesertBoot |
I got home from work and my wife had left a note on the TV saying "it's not working, I'm leaving you".
I sent her a text saying, "I've checked the aerial and all the channels. There's nothing wrong with it". |  |
| Wish I could be like David Watts |
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| Monday joke on 12:05 - Dec 17 with 4451 views | Lblock |
The wife wanted something silky for Christmas....
So I gave her a gallon of Dulux emulsion |  |
| Cherish and enjoy life.... this ain't no dress rehearsal |
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| Monday joke on 13:04 - Dec 17 with 4321 views | A40Bosh |
(Blatantly robbed from Jethro but I love this one!)
Came home at lunchtime today and caught my b'stard neighbour in my own bed giving my wife the portion.
So I grabbed the dirty b'stard by the neck and pulled him stark bollo out of our house and around into his back garden and then into his garden shed.
I gave him a couple of big digs to keeps him quiet and when he came around again he found that I had his tadger jammed tight in the bench vice and I had just finished pouring superglue in on top of it and he was stuck fast.
Then when he saw that I had got hold of the hacksaw he kept hanging in the shed he started screaming like a big girl.
"I' m sorry, I'm sorry, please don't cut my dick off, PLEASEEEEEEEEE!!"
"I'm not cutting off your dick" I said "You're cutting your own dick off......................................................................................................................
I'm setting fire to your shed!!!"
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| Monday joke on 13:23 - Dec 17 with 4261 views | simmo |
How did Luke Skywalker know what Darth Vader got him for Christmas??
He felt his presence |  |
| ask Beavis I get nothing Butthead |
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| Monday joke on 13:31 - Dec 17 with 4228 views | QPunkR |
Went past the cemetary on my way to work yesterday morning and a funeral procession was walking about with a casket, post funeral. When I got the same bus hom in the evening, the same procession was still wandering about with the same casket. They looked like they'd lost the plot. |  |
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| Monday joke on 14:11 - Dec 17 with 4157 views | TW_R |
Whenever I think of the past, it just brings back so many memories. | | | |
| Monday joke on 15:02 - Dec 17 with 4089 views | Pacal_Votan |
I was shagging the cat last night when the dog came in and started licking my arsehole.Even though it made me come quicker, I couldn't help thinking...dogs are dirty bastards. |  |
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| Monday joke on 15:11 - Dec 17 with 4067 views | Northernr |
The wife of a Swansea fan is woken one evening by her husband storming into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
"This," he shouts "is the fat pig I have to shag when I'm not with you."
The wife sits up in bed and says "I think you'll find that's a sheep."
The man replies: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you." |  | | |
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