The sixth annual LFW deadline day beer and barbecue spectacular - Live Blog Thursday, 31st Aug 2017 12:53 by Clive Whittingham, Alan Simpson and others The annual ‘alternative’ live blog of an event we think is unnecessary, grossly over-hyped and contrary to all known employment laws, done purely to make us a few extra bob. 23.00As suspected, the lack of Big Ben chimes has thrown it into a chaos not seen since they made that Ross Barkley bullshit up 47 minutes ago. Jim does a jazz hands thing, and says it’s “shuddered to a halt”. They’re now asking Kammy Kamara and Merse Merson for their thoughts on the deals that didn’t happen — opening gambit “Ozil isn’t a run arounder”. We await news on whether QPR got Blackpool’s Bright Osayi-Samuel over the line in time. A Twitter meltdown about the lack of spending, despite the reasons for it being clearly laid out and explained, will surely ensue. I’ve never been more done. Thank you and good night. God bless. 22.59 We’re nearly there. Again. If I ever get back in this boat again, you have my permission to shoot me. 22.54 In pointless ‘neither team improved’ news, Tim Krul has moved from Newcastle to Brighton. It’s taken them all. The. Live. Long. Day. To conclude this. It’s done nothing for either of them. Krul said: “My first impression is the facilities are very good. I put half a pound of mashed up Dundee cake in the bog back there and it flushed first time.” 22.53 Jim is going to be as devastated as a small-minded, Brexit-loving, right-wing, home counties, Tory MP when he realises Big Ben isn’t bonging at 23.00. 22.44 I think SkyBot 2.1 is preparing to read out that Alex Oxlade Chamberlain Instagram statement again. Jesus Jim if it’s the last thing you do on God’s Green Earth stop her. 22.39 BklynRanger mused: "That's the first time I've seen Gary Cotteril in the 90 minutes I've been watching this. Whose wife has he buggered or failed to bugger? When the camera came back to him his head was rolling back and he was about to swallow his tongue, only we his adoring public saved him." 22.39 Sky have just run a two-minute phone interview with, ostensibly, the Everton majority shareholder and honest to God if it wasn't the guy from Phonejacker I'll be genuinely amazed. 22.37 Derby offer Jacob Butterfield to Sheff Wed in exchange for Sam Winnall. That rather knocks our £15,000 and a set of roof tiles into a cocked hat.
22.35 Jim tells us it’s been a very impressive window from Everton who have “signed nine players by our estimation”. Estimation is an interesting word for something that can be definitively quantified. 22.33 Alan Myers at Leicester being interrogated again. “What’s going on Alan? We know you know something. We’re not letting you leave until you tell us.” Alan looks like a man who knows his wife is at home either packing her stuff and heading to her mum’s, or packing his stuff and directing it to the front lawn. 22.30 Now, who wants to hear a good story, from a Bridge?
West Ham are after two mediocre foreign goalkeepers, which our man compares to choosing between roast or mashed potato with your Sunday roast. I mean this really is toilet now. Absolute, complete rubbish. 22.23 Now looking for some filler as the whole studio goes to shit, they turn to the SPFL guy for a Scotland update for the first time in a good four hours. He’s not happy, ranting on about how he had a scoop on a Ross County left back moving to Kilmarnock three hours ago but “nobody gave a fecking shiny shite” because they were too busy “dry bumming your Thomas Lemar bullshite”. He refuses to run through who Hibernian have signed, throws his mic to the floor and storms off clutching an Iron Bru. Simmo has sympathy: “Poor wee bastard has been staring into a fucking Portaloo all day and suddenly Jim White turns up to ask him how his day has been at 22.30. I’d tell him to get bent as well.” 22.19 They're all at it now. Mr Tan in a Drum also suddenly crawling with sources and information on Barkley, who'd apparently managed to get all the way from Liverpool to London and go through a medical unnoticed, and then changed his mind at the last minute. Merse says: "You can't live in Liverpool for the rest of your life." 22.17 LFW CEO (not a salaried position) Jim Frayling tells us…
22.13 Sky are now inviting you to believe that Chelsea agreed a fee of £30m with Everton for Ross Barkley who drove down to Chelsea but then changed his mind at the last minute. This ridiculously tall tale is interrupted by a group of local youths attacking the Sky reporter who goes to ground shouting “aaaaaagh, prick”. This is a new low/high for the evening. Paul Merson, who snuck in a side entrance with Chris “Kammy” Kamara, is “shocked”. Jim White is now making out like he’s been getting text messages about this Barkley move for some time, but neglected to mention it — he’s known for his subtlety and coyness in such circumstances. 22.12 Father of the site Ted Hendrix stirs briefly to tell us: “This is all very exciting, almost as exciting as a discussion on Anglo-Saxon Kings of the dark ages.” 22.06 Honestly we’ve only just clocked, through the Josh Laurent deal, that Lee Clark is manager at Bury now. 22.00- Fernando Llorente goes to Spurs, Danny Drinkwater is parked up waiting to sign for Chelsea. - QPR are trying to shove a deal for Blackpool youngster Bright Osayi-Samuel over the line. Another winger to go in a team that doesn’t play with wingers. No defenders though, all on Alex Oxlade Chamberlain. - Former QPR man Josh Laurent hops from Wigan to Bury. 21.59 Right, Hull FC have been refereed out of it at Leeds, you have our full and undivided attention back. One hour to go. Long old day. 21.54 Tony Fernandes interjecting on what used to be his big night.
21.45 “It could be a tough old season for ‘Arry and he needs as many in as he can,” says Jim about his old mate. Unless the sport’s suddenly 18-a-side 21.42 Hands up if you panicked about this first time you read the link as well? *hand up*
21.40 The postbag knows
21.32 Earlier reports that Wolves were ready to chuck another £10m at Jürgen Locadia of PSV have also come to nothing. Callum McMananman might be heading to Sunderland. 21.30 Sky Sports now “understands Leicester have received no bids for Danny Drinkwater or Riyad Mahrez”. Hmmmm. More from Alex Oxlade Chamberlain’s Instagram shortly. 21.25 Gary Gardner, who QPR were lazily linked with, has left Aston Villa and joined Barnsley on loan. 21.20
21.15 *Serious voice* I know we go on about this a lot, but having spent all summer aggressively stating that half a dozen players would definitely be going from a to b, backed up by the ever vague “Sky sources”, all the while promoting Sky Bet markets where people can place their cash on the outcome, I can’t ever remember such a dramatic, obvious, blatant row back from just about all of it from Sky Sports News than this. It’s not right this, not right at all. Right, back to the willy jokes. 21.10. Here’s a former agent so in the know he’s attracted a full 68 followers…
21.06 Tottenham have failed to get a deal over the line because there wasn’t enough time to apply for a work permit. If only the window had been longer than one afternoon at the end of August. 21.01 It’s here. I think the colour might be fucked on my TV.
21.00- Nobody’s going anywhere. Apart from 37 middle of the road players who are coining it in by going to Birmingham. And Mamadou Sakho, who’s being treated like some sort of Ben Hur character by Crippled Alice. - QPR may yet tie up a move for Blackpool youngster Bright Osayi-Samuel, but an ambitious punt on Sam Winnall has fallen at the first hurdle. Well, it’s refused to leave the stalls in actual fact. - John Brayford moves between Championship clubs — Sheff Utd to Burton Albion, who are also hoping to sign Jordon Mutch on loan. 20.59 West Ham reporter counting up the miles covered by Sakho today — he’s playing his final card “family problems which necessitate an immediate and lucrative move”. We’ll have our increasingly grumpy headlines on the hour in 60 seconds. 20.57 Fernando Llorente has announced his move to Spurs, before Spurs. That’ll go down well with Daniel Levy, though he’s probably too busy readying the broken fax machine for this summer’s gratuitous Sissoko-style deal. 20.55 One for the purists.
20.52 The latest pub quiz question is how many times Niko Kranjcar has moved on deadline day. The answer is four, twice to QPR, all through Harry Redknapp. Next break, how much money did Kranjcar’s agent and Redknapp make off those deals? 20.47 Trend continues. “BREAKING NEWS”. Man City not buying Jonny Evans after all. I am shocked. Does anybody have a feather, because I fancy a lie down. 20.45 Sky are still returning to that poor man in the dark car park at Leicester demanding he tells them where Riyad Mahrez is. He still doesn’t know, as he hasn’t for the last six hours. 20.40 Considering “taking to Twitter” tonight to lambast QPR for not spending more money? Thinking of calling Tony Fernandes a “tight cunt” on his personal feed? Asking where the Josh Bowler money has gone? Here’s part one of LFW’s guide to why you’re a moron. “The current Financial Fair Play rules mean QPR cannot lose more than £37m across the 2015/16, 2016/17 and 2017/18 seasons. The last set of accounts, covering the 2015/16 season, showed a loss of £11m despite the maximum parachute payment, the Charlie Austin sale and the Raheem Sterling sell on all coming in. With reduced parachute payments, no Austin money and no Sterling money QPR have to find a way to ‘only’ lose £26m across 2016/17 and 2017/18. Otherwise it’s a transfer embargo, and what players we do have will have to be sold off on the cheap — please see Blackburn Rovers and Bolton Wanderers for examples of what happens in those circumstances. That’s without even addressing the previous FFP breach for which a result is due any day. It’s also without considering whether the board want to continue funding QPR’s losses to the tune of even £11m.” 20.35 Worth pointing out that there are some actual games this weekend. Competitive games. Remember those? Before transfers were the most important thing? Mind you, if a cricket match being abandoned at The Oval this evening because somebody started firing a cross bow didn’t warrant a ‘news in brief’ mention I’m not sure England’s game in Malta ever stood a chance.
20.30 It’s that time of the night again where, having quickly killed off five deals they’d told you were definitely going through, Sky roll out “the deal sheet” which enables clubs to stretch the deadline beyond 23.00 to 01.00 if necessary. 20.25 Some minor done deals at our level for you. Craig Noone goes to struggling Bolton from Cardiff for an undisclosed fee. Dan Scarr, Calum Butcher and Sean Clare have left Birmingham, Millwall and Sheff Wed to join Wycombe, Mansfield and Gillingham respectively. Odd news of old LFW favourite Alex Bruce — who would absolutely have earned a career in professional football if his dad wasn’t Steve Bruce — he’s left Bury to join Wigan having only moved to Gigg Lane during the summer. 20.20 Joleon Lescott is pleased to see the Mbappe move to Paris go through. Expert analysis being provided by the former West Brom centre back, and Shay Given. 20.15 The woman with a wild and dangerous opinion of her own, reporting on nothing happening at Southampton all day, now running through the list of people who’ve said Virgil Van Dijk won’t be leaving, and the dates they’ve said it, dating back six weeks or more. We’re glossing over that with Bryan Swanson “chief news reporter” reading out Mbappe confirmation from Paris SG. 20.10 A player we really liked at Leeds has had the LFW snog of death - Alex Mowatt now whistling through the air as he falls from Barnsley to Oxford on loan. 20.05 Not gonna lie, some of us are going to be watching Hull FC at Leeds for a bit… 20.00- Headlines on the hour — everything Sky told you definitely was definitely happening all summer, and encouraging you to bet on, isn’t and now your money is gone. Sanchez, Van Dijk, Lemar, Coutinho all staying put. - Birmingham’s ridiculously busy summer may not be over yet, with Alex Song linked from Rubin Kazan. - QPR are in for Bright Osayi-Samuel from Blackpool, but a move for Sam Winnall from Sheff Wed looks to be dead at the “can we have some money for him please” stage. 19.55 “Sky sources tell us Virgil Van Dijk is staying at Southampton”. Much puffing of cheeks and shaking of heads in the Sky studio as they all agree “this has been going on for months”. This is “breaking news” apparently. Months and months infact, throughout which Sky have been reporting that he’ll be leaving Southampton, and encouraging you to use Sky Bet to place your hard-earned money on where exactly that might be. Money which is now entirely lost to you (if you were stupid enough) and firmly placed in the arse pocket of this Murdoch-controlled organisation. Oh, and lo, more breaking news, “Alexis Sanchez is staying at Arsenal”. Nobody’s going anywhere it seems, but better luck next time with those bets yeh? 19.50 Throwback Thursday
19.46 Aaron Ramsey, who you may remember from such whole-hearted, committed performances as Liverpool 4 Arsenal 0, has put out some thinly-veiled barbs at his own club selling Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. Mike Phelen says “they’re only words”, before leaping up onto the desk, seizing a handheld mic and bursting into a Bee Jees number. Wasn’t expecting that. 19.45 It’s not a good sign when you’re having to pass time with a quiz is it?
19.40 Brighton have signed defender Ezequiel Schelotto. Consonant please Rachel. In other Football Manager regen news, Molla Wague joins Watford on loan from, wait for it, can you guess, Udinese. 19.37 From the post bag (contact details above, we’re so lonely, talk to us) we have… “Biggest move of the window so far seems to be Simon Jordan from The Golden Tan Palace on Croydon High Street to Spain.” — Lblock 19.30 Right what can we tell you about Bright Osayi-Samuel? Well he’s a 20-year-old left-sided winger who was born in Nigeria (and wishes to play for them internationally if it comes to that), grew up in Spain and moved to the UK as an eight-year-old. He made his Blackpool debut aged 18 in the Championship in a 1-0 home defeat against Sheff Wed and made six appearances at that level in 2014/15. He’s since clocked up an impressive 34 starts and 45 sub appearances including an hour in the League Two play-off victory last May, which our new signing from Exeter David Wheeler also scored in. Maybe that play-off final is the only game we’ve been and scouted? “Couple of good ‘uns Ollie… I’ll stick my expenses in.”
19.22 The reporter at Crystal Palace is signing an Electric Avenue version of a Mamadou Sakho song. On air. “Stuart Pearce is cracking up” apparently.
19.20 In ‘poor bastard’ news Sky have a man standing at the side of a very dark pitch in San Marino watching Northern Ireland train, repeatedly telling us Jonny Evans isn’t going anywhere as it stands but things could change, set to long-lens photography of Jonny Evans running up and down in a training bib. Presumably we’ll be back to torture that fella over the whereabouts of Riyad Mahrez again soon as well. 19.15 Birmingham complete the £6m signing of Jota from Brentford. All joking and Redknapp-baiting aside that, and a couple of others among their hordes of new arrivals, is a very good signing. Jota’s priorities clearly lie in his back pocket rather than career ambition, but what’s new in that? 19.10 Our friend and colleague Jack Supple tells us…
19.02 A tour of the Sky newsroom comes to an abrupt halt when they burst in on Kirsty Gallagher curling one out in the staff bathroom. “Here we see the paint bubbling…” PSG are paying £166m for Mbappe, laughing in the face of FFP. We’re working on some David Wheeler and Bright Osayi-Samuel stats for you, which you’re pleased about aren’t you? We’re also in need of a nickname for Bright Osayi-Samuel which will mean I don’t have to keep typing his name. 19.00- Palace bidding £26m for Mamadou Sakho from Liverpool leads the “news” at the top of the hour. - Birmingham ready to announce the signings of Jota and Colin from Brentford. ‘Arry leans through his car window to tell Sky he’s building a team “the people of Bournemouth can be proud of”. - QPR have loaned out Matt Ingram and Brandon Comley, signed David Wheeler, are trying to sign Bright Osayi-Samuel from Blackpool and have been laughed out of Sheffield chasing Sam Winnall. - Alan has heartburn so is switching to gin. 18.59 Sky’s Cuntbot 5.000 just ran out of battery midway through a sentence so that’s the end of the hour and we’ll have new weather for you in just a moment I’m sure. 18.55 We’ve obtained this exclusive footage of QPR’s negotiations with Sheff Wed over the Sam Winnall seal. 18.50 Palace have had a £26m bid for Mamadou Sakho accepted by Liverpool. He fits perfectly with De Boer’s style of play, of course, and doesn’t in any way suggest the Dutchman will be out on his ear before the clocks change. 18.45 QPR bid for Sam Winnall, a short play. QPR: *Dial tone* Operator, I’d like to make a reverse charges call to Sheffield Wednesday Football Club please. Operator: Sheffield Wednesday? I have a collect call request from a Queens Park Rangers FC, do you accept the charges? Sheff Wed: This might be about those roof tiles they stole a fortnight ago, put them through. QPR: We’d like Sam Winnall please. Sheff Wed: Ok fine, this is our asking price… QPR: *Uncontrollable coughing* Sheff Wed: Are you alright? QPR: Yes, yes, sorry. Errr, our counter offer is a £15,000 and a crate of roof tiles we think would look nice on your place. Sheff Wed: *Dial tone* 18.33 And now that an attempt to land Sheff Wed striker Sam Winnall has failed. 18.30 Dave Mc also reporting that Sean Goss has got a loan deal fixed up, and it’s a better one than the earlier suggested move to Yeovil. 18.26 Watford new boy Marvin Zeegelaar, asked why he’s moved to Watford, says his “agent did a good job”. Classic opportunity to pull a proper Robbie Keane and say he’s always supported them from a boy missed. Ooh, no, there’s more: “I’m excited to be here. I’ve heard good stories about Watford”. Pray tell…
18.20 Swansea’s request for Renato Sanches to wear number 85 has been returned to sender. They’ve been told to behave themselves and pick a proper one and gone for 35. 18.18 Sky are currently talking to Spanish football expert Guilleme Ballague about one potential move from France to the UK, and another from Germany to the UK. Darmeshthsh strikes again. BREAKING QPR NEWS QPR, the team that plays without wingers, have had a bid accepted for Blackpool winger Bright Osayi-Samuel, after earlier signing Exeter winger David Wheeler, according to the ever-reliable West London Sport. 18.10 Sure enough, after the ridiculous hyperbole at the top of the hour, a quick rattle around Arsenal, Liverpool and Man City, who Sky would like to believe are fighting over a combination of Thomas Lemar and Alexis Sanchez brings a lot of “unlikely” and “not for sale”. Now recycling an old Divock Origi loan move. 18.01 Darmeshthsh Shethshth says “it’s all happening” and promises a “dramatic and frenetic” end to the window. The first bit is a lie, and the second bit has no evidence to support it. Stuart Pearce and the ever-dramatic and frenetic Mike Phelen are the latest desperardos looking for an appearance fee to join us in the studio. 18.00- Halfway through, and as so often happens it’s all about what’s not happening as opposed to what is — this is a drawback of just throwing unchecked, barely-sourced shit at the wall for a month. - Alexis Sanchez, Thomas Lemar, Virgil Van Dyjk, Danny Drinkwater, Riyad Mahrez and others all seem to be going nowhere after all, and a single-sourced claim Jack Wilshere may sign for Birmingham has been quietly dropped. - QPR’s business looks done at the signing of David Wheeler from Exeter this morning. Maybe stay away from the Twitter tonight unless you enjoy watching grown men losing their shit over this sort of thing. 17.59 We’re approaching the halfway point of LFW’s live blog marking the 20th anniversary of the death of Diana Princess of Wales.
17.55 Arsenal, stunned by Monaco’s acceptance of their extortionate bid for Thomas Lemar, have now panicked and said there’s no time left to do the deal. 17.50 Fulham have rejected Newcastle’s idea that Tom Cairney could go as a straight swap for Dwight Gayle/Yorke. 17.42 STEVE EVANS IS HERE. Brushing doughnut sugar off his chin and sweat from his brow simultaneously. Bit warm under the studio lights.
17.38 That prick who bangs on about how much money has been spent as if he’s turning the totaliser round on Children in Need is here. 17.32 Sheff Wed release Lewis McGugan by mutual consent. Once Championship hot property. 17.31 Simon Jordan, four mentions of his home in Spain in, dismisses Diafra Sackho’s personal problems saying: ”We’re not bothered about your home life, we’re interested in the business of transfers.” 17.29 Ex QPR news — Loic Remy is preparing to sit on the treatment table for the next two years at Las Palmas, leaving the treatment table at Chelsea on a permanent basis after a previous loan to the treatment table at Crystal Palace. 17.11 Simon Jordan isn’t leaving us. Still here. Flight to Spain must have been delayed. He lives there these days, somebody mentioned to me the other day. He’s just pulled half an Arsene Wenger impression, backing out halfway through when he realised it was a terrible idea. Tremendous. 17.10 Delving into the postbag (contact details above) we have this to offer you… “Do you reckon Robbie Savage looks at Simon Jordan and thinks that could have been him if he was born in the home counties instead of a garage in Wrexham?” — Rblock “Arrow from crossbow has just stopped play at the Oval between Surrey and Middlesex. Nothing to do with deadline day but wondered what it would take to stop Sky going strong on this one........to be honest, not sure even a North Korean nuclear assault on Japan and South Korea would get in the way of covering Jack Wilshere moving to Birmingham and another triffic interview with old Saggy chops.” -JamesB1979 17.05 Jonny Williams the third player in at Sunderland, on loan from Crippled Alice. In other news, we’ve been promised a big thick slice of Steve Evans in the next hour — potential scenes the likes of which we haven’t seen since the Martin Allen bike episode of 2013.
17.01 Unison in the LFW news room as our new presenter Kirsty Gallagher falters over the “We’ll find out how Paul Clement pulled off…” line and we all shout together as one “CHRIS MARTIN’S WIFE”. Doesn’t quite work, but come on, you can’t leave that sort of thing hanging. That’s what she said anyway. 17.00- Riyad Mahrez is missing. Diafra Sacko is refusing to leave the car park at Chelmsford Racecourse. Arsenal are ready to pay £92m for a Pot Noodle. - Oldham have signed Haiti international goalkeeper Johnny Placide on a two-year deal. That’s got all sorts of potential. - QPR have loaned Matt Ingram to Northampton despite them sacking Justin Edinburgh as manager. - Simon Jordan now resides in Spain. 16.59 Simon Jordan, who lives in Spain, signs off saying “sometimes the emotivity gets the better of you” on Deadline Day, and that he misses Palace very much but now he lives in Spain so it’s not so bad. Headlines at 17.00 coming up for you at 17.00 16.56 Toothy Gary says there’s one “very tiny piece of paperwork” standing between Watford and their latest signing. 16.55 We’ve nearly done another hour. We’re surprised as well.
16.50 Standing in a silent queue for a bus in Sheffield back in my student days, a 50-something man with an open-necked shirt and an over-sized gold medallion turned to me and said, in a broad Yorkshire accent, “of course I don’t live here, I live in Alicante”. Of course. I mention this here because Simon Jordan’s been on for 49 minutes and mentioned that he lives in Spain on three occasions already. 16.46 A £15m move for Dwight Yorke has been mentioned by the man at Newcastle. Presume he means Dwight Gayle otherwise that’s a particularly bold move. Still a better bet than paying £7.5m for Sone Aluko. 16.45 Indeed we are. He screams: “NO. STOP CALLING.” And we go back to the studio. Maybe that’s him hiding in that little hut?
16.40 After the break we’re apparently going back to Leicester to ask that poor bastard if he knows where Riyad Mahrez is yet. 16.31 Is Diafra Sackho actually any good? The only footage Sky have of him, it seems, is Neil Swarbrick showing him a yellow card. Simon Jordan tees off: “The player strikes me as a bit of a buffoon. You’re trying to force through a move to a club, and you’ve gone to watch your agent’s horse. The agent seems to think this is amusing, it’s not amusing. It shows footballers in a silly light, this is their livelihood and profession and they’re not giving it due respect. If you let the lunatics run the asylum, you’ll have simply that — an asylum.” Message boarder PaulParker adds: “I like Simon Jordon , at least he tells a few home truths , oh and he was shagging Ian Walker’s missus so he is double alright with me.” #doublealright 16.25 The old Viz line about recreating Deadline Day at work by waiting until just before the canteen closes then rushing up to the counter to pay £8 for a Pot Noodle most definitely applies to Arsenal’s £92m bid for Monaco midfielder Thomas Lemar on the back of one excellent season. 16.15 Well we’ve done some good today anyway. This from our blonder, better educated, more successful friend Tom ‘Hunter’ Hunter… “Many thanks to West Ham for flagging that Sakho's advisers were heading to Chelmsford to watch Siege of Boston. Always helpful to know when owners of a horse are going out of their way to watch a God awful standard race at Chelmsford in the middle of a very busy day for them. It's usually for a reason. Nice returns at 11/2. That's the best thing to come out of Transfer Deadline Day for me for some time.” 16.10 This from the postbag from Kevin replying to our 15.27 query of what on earth is a completed dribble…
16.01 Shut up Clive.
16.00- Alexis Sanchez could yet be going to Man City as they make a second bid. Alex Oxlade Chamberlain has gone to Liverpool — he said he didn’t like it, but he’d have to go along with it. Ichten nichten… - Leeds have signed incestuous German striker Pierre-Michel Lasogga from Hamburg. Wolves are about to spunk another £10m. - QPR have signed David Wheeler from Exeter, loaned Brandon Comley to Colchester, but are now waiting to see whether Matt Ingram’s proposed move to Northampton is affected by their sacking of Justin Edinburgh. 15.59 Excellent news (genuinely) that Simon Jordan is up next. That’ll fill an hour of this dirge no problem. Back in 60 seconds, one trip to the fridge and two to the bathroom. Yes please. 15.56 Tim Krul, as discovered as a youth by Joe Kinnear, is going from Newcastle to Brighton. 15.55 Sunderland in for Tommy Elphick from Villa having already signed Ross McCormack today. Wolves are tabling another £10m bid, for Jürgen Locadia of PSV this time — another nice wedge for Jorge Mendes there. Don Goodman tells us he has “a lot of friends who are Wolves fans”. How many cows have you got? He’s got 104 friends who are Wolves fans. 15.48 Lasogga outside Elland Road asked if he can replace Chris Wood, who moved to Burnley last week, and was “a great hero of the fans here”. Just me that remembers the Leeds fans fucking hated Chris Wood 12 months ago and he used to give them a bit back whenever he scored? Anyway Lasogga says he’ll “fight every minute for this great club” which shows the media training has spread across Europe well, if not standards and practices when having family photographs taken with your mum.
15.44 Palace fans told not to panic, they’ve been promised signings will be made. Because signings guarantee results you see, and Palace need results. Three more to come before 23.00 apparently, roughly 10 days before De Boer is sacked as manager and replaced by somebody who will spend several months saying “not my players, can’t wait for January”. Jordon Mutch is going to Burton Albion on loan. 15.40 Championship nib - Pierre-Michel Lasogga joins Leeds on loan from Hamburg. No, us neither. 15.35 Sakho is currently sitting in his car in the car park at Chelmsford Racecourse and has reportedly told West Ham he has some “serious off-field issues, of which West Ham are aware”.
15.30 Diafra Sackho’s horse has won. 15.28 Poor bastard at Leicester City still being asked where Riyad Mahrez is, still doesn’t know. Mutters something about a “dangerous landing in Zambia”. Begging to be asked about Demarai Gray who Sky believe/have made up is subject to £25m interest from Bournemouth. 15.27 What actually is a “completed dribble”? 15.17 Ah. Potential spanner in the Matt Ingram to Northampton loan deal — they’ve just sacked manager Justin Edinburgh after a winless start to the League One season. Great timing — new man in by 18.00 and they might still be able to squeeze a few through late doors. Whether one of those is Ingram now up for debate maybe? 15.10 Birmingham Bad Knees are buying players almost as quickly as Brentford are selling them. Marc Roberts, Cheikh Ndoye, Isaac Vassell, Carl Jenkinson, Sam Gallagher, Cohen Bramall, Jeremie Boga, Jason Lowe, Harlee Dean and imminently Jota are all already in but more outlandish links with Jack Wilshere and Alex Song along with another Brentford player Maxime Colin are all still in the fire. They’re working to a tighter deadline than most teams today though — all got to be tied up by 20.00, as Joe Grimes points out…
15.00- In the Premier League Burnley have signed Nahki Wells from Huddersfeld for £5m, Renarto Sanches has completed an unlikely loan move from Bayern Munich to Swansea and Serge Aurier has gone from PSG to Spurs for £23m. - In the Championship Boro have continued their summer splurge by picking up Marvin Johnson from Oxford for £3m while Leeds have signed Pawel Cibicki from Malmo. - At QPR “Lazy Les has stopped thinking about Grenfell long enough*” to… loan Brandom Comley to Colchester, sign David Wheeler from Exeter and spot a loophole in Joe Lumley’s lack of appearances which means Matt Ingram can be loaned to Northampton for the season with an immediate recall clause should Smithies get injured. * - Not my words Carol, the words of one of the more detestable QPR Twitter accounts. 14.59 Headlines at 15.00 coming up. 14.55 Toothy Gary at Watford reports on the signing of a Greek goalkeeper before telling us there may possibly be “some moves for some upfront players” so stay tuned for that. In actual news, Middlesbrough have signed Marvin Johnson from Oxford for an undisclosed fee rumoured to be as much as £3m once all the add-ons have been totted up and he wins the World Cup for England. 14.50 Nahki Wells, who had been linked with a move to Reading before they spaffed their load over non-scoring striker Sone Aluko, has moved from Huddersfield to Burnley. 14.45 Asked for an update on the news from the SPFL Simmo offers: ”Who fucking cares? It’s an absolute shitshow up here and everybody that comes immediately becomes as shit as everybody else.” We’ll make this a semi-regular feature as the day drags on. 14.38 Advert update. We’re upset with the quality of the greenscreen work on the Gladstone Brookes PPI commercial. I mean if your budget is tight but you want to be on the TV at least make it worthwhile.
In other ‘news’, the guy shinning a bicycle kick up in the air on the Coca Cola advert, without spilling a drop of his liquid sugar, is also grating. Mind you, if Stuart McCall can maintain a full pint through this I suppose it is possible. 14.29 “Breaking social media news” which is a picture of Jordan Henderson shaking hands with Alex Oxlade Chamberlain titled “welcome the Ox”. Incidentally, Liverpool’s official TV station have subtitled the video of Oxlade Chamberlain saying “I iz well happy to be here” — presumably because it’s not in Scouse? The lawyer’s giving us the look so we’ll leave that one there… 14.20 Our Lord and Savior Dave Mc tells us...
14.13 The one charged with waving his mobile phone around this year looks like he’s been getting stuck into Pundland’s Tan in a Drum a little bit too enthusiastically. Anyway, he’s just interrupted Jamie Carragher (who is fuming) with “some breaking news” that the 52nd signing of the summer for the Birmingham Bad Knees could be Jack Wilshere from Arsenal. This has come from “a very senior, very high up” source at the club. Whoever could that possibly be?
14.12 One from the post bag from Phildo: “Arsenal increasingly remind me of Wilko in that you can pick up some useful stuff there but altogether it looks like an incoherent pile of crud.” 14.10 New hour, new guests, Charlie Nicholas is now sitting in the studio thinking.
QPR Done Deal: Serial loanee Brandon Comley has moved to Colchester on a temporary deal, where he joins his former youth team mate from Rangers Cole Kpekawa. 14.00- Crystal Palace hope to tighten their leaky defence by signing Mangala from Man City. Best of fortune with that. Our old charge Jordon Mutch is heading back to the Championship on loan. - Man City have tabled a second bid of a gazillion pounds for Alexis Sanchez. - Riyad Mahrez has been reported missing. - QPR have signed David Wheeler from Exeter, and are set to loan Matt Ingram to Northampton. 13.59 Headlines on the hour are just two adverts for life insurance away. 13.53 Not a lot of traffic between Serie A and the Premier League says the man in Milan, who’s clearly gone on a jolly. Inter Milan are trying to sign Jan Caramel apparently — almost certainly not a real player. 13.48 Toothy Gary is at Watford where it's raining rain, apparently, but "not exactly raining signings..." 13.45 Some “breaking news” on Virgil Van Djyk for you all here (what do you mean you don’t give a shit? The coverage this is getting I presumed this was ‘drop what you’re doing and leave now’ level of importance…). Quoting the story: “He’s been at training today, as he is everyday. He obviously didn’t want to be filmed as he didn’t come in the usual entrance, he went in another entrance, the delivery entrance, right round the other side. As he left, about an hour ago, he was being driven by his driver.” There’s a sale at Penny’s: Not quite sure what’s going on over at Brentford. Eight wins from the last 15 games last season, impressive summer of business, great looking team on paper, but a disastrous start in the league and now something of a fire sale. Harlee Dean (contract expiring, £2m) and Jota (£6m) are joining the tide of refugees heading for Birmingham and Maxime Colin may yet join them while Sheff Utd are now in for centre back John Egan (£2m) according to our Sky Overlords.
13.35 Massimo Luongo’s Australia have lost 2-0 to Japan in a World Cup Qualifier. At least the annual destruction of his promising early season form was worthwhile this time eh? 13.30
13.23 From the ‘too good to check’ pile, one correspondent informs us “Joey Barton has just had his membership application for the Royal Mid-Surrey golf club rejected because of his criminal record.” 13.10 Alan Myers, reporting from Leicester, asked "exactly where is Riyad Mahrez" replies, paraphrasing, "don't know". 13.07 Tits Magee (covering Arsenal today) says the Gunners aren’t willing to loan Lucas Perez to Everton as they are “not in the business of loaning players to top six rivals”. Sales on the other hand… We’ve already had this in the postbag from QuitePossiblyRaving: “My favourite quote of the day so far, from (who else on deadline day?) a Sky Sports News presenter: "This won't cheer the mood among Arsenal fans… they're one of only five clubs in profit this transfer window." Reassuring to know that football is now so fucked up, it's the only industry in the world that celebrates deficit and debt. 13.00Headlines: - Fernando Llorente is going from Swansea to Spurs (not Chelsea, too racist) and will be replaced in South Wales by the return of Wilfried Bony. - Liverpool were suitably impressed with Alex Oxlade Chamberlain’s efforts at the weekend to sign him from Arsenal. - The Birmingham Bad Knees are close to the £6m capture of Jota from Brentford, and about three dozen others. 12.50 We’ll have the headlines (such as they are) at 13.00 in just a moment for you but meantime it’s worth reminding you that David Wheeler has joined QPR for £500,000 from Exeter (read further thoughts here) and Matt Ingram is on the verge of a season-long loan move to Northampton, though as Dave Mc reports a loophole in the rules relating to Joe Lumley’s lack of first team action means he can be recalled should Alex Smithies get injured. IntroIs this thing on? It’s that time of year again when an ageing Scottish journalist is held up as some kind of all-seeing, all-knowing, wise Hindu God for scattering his flying monkeys to training grounds far and wide across the country to lie to him on the television. A time when the story of Harry Redknapp ringing up Sky Sports to tell them Robbie Keane had signed for Celtic on loan is treated like the moment Woodward and Bernstein knew they’d blown Watergate apart. A time when all the dodgy agents pass all the envelopes stuffed with unmarked, non-sequential bills to all the dodgy managers. A time when players clubs don’t even really want or need are shuffled around purely in order for vast amounts of money to disappear into the pockets of footballers, their representatives and managers. We hate it. Absolutely fucking hate it. But 250,000 page impressions in one afternoon pleases the mortgage man at The Halifax greatly (a good deal more than drunkenly live publishing accusations that the biggest pay TV broadcaster in Europe deliberately makes things up - while encouraging you to use its associated betting service to place money on it — pleases LFW’s official counsel) so here it is again. Ten hours of stuff that either isn’t true, or you don’t really care about, delivered by smarmy men in suits as if it’s not only the most important thing going on in the world at the moment, but that it’s also completely acceptable and understandable to pay £7.5m for Sone Aluko. Hold hands and we’ll get through it together. Do please get in touch. The Twitter @loftforwords Pictures — Action Images Action Images Please report offensive, libellous or inappropriate posts by using the links provided.
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