 Friday, 31st Aug 2012 12:51 by Clive Whittingham LFW provides an alternative live blog of the final ten hours of the transfer window as QPR and others frantically scramble for last minute rip offs. Hit refresh for updates (technical stuff this). Tweet us @loftforwords, e-mail us loftforwords@yahoo.co.uk with whatever you like – rumours, abuse, observations – and we’ll publish the best ones. And with that, we’re off onto the suburban rail network from Earlsfield. Staff meeting on the 09.00 from Euston tomorrow to decide whether this was an unmitigated disaster or not. 23.00 WINDOW CLOSED White is all over the place. Thought he had a minute left, realised he only had five seconds, mumbled something about 12 players at QPR, failed to cut to a shot of Big Ben, production assistant being sacked as we speak. 22.59 Has anybody seen that SSN guy at Stoke recently? I fear for him. 22.58 Paul Whittingham asks: “Why is Mittal’s executive box decorated like a pornographic theatre.” Incidentally, Paul’s guide to the great pornographic cinemas of Europe is available from Waterstone’s. 22.57 Go Spurs, now’s the time for the broken fax machine trick. 22.55 Iain Dowie says “Barton doesn’t want to step out of line at Marseille if he can help it.” Harry Bassett, with two minutes to go and clearly not giving a stuff any more, chimes in: “He’ll be dead by Christmas.” Go on Harry, you tell em. 22.53 Here’s QPR’s lengthy, heartfelt official farewell to Joey Barton in full: “Joey Barton has joined French club Marseille on loan. The 29 year-old midfielder has put pen to paper on a season long agreement with the French league leaders.” TWEET @grahamkavana “So Barton for M'Bia. Swapping one massive penis for another.” DONE DEAL/QPR NEWS – STEPHANE M’BIA CONFIRMED FROM MARSEILLE Sky report that it’s a two year deal – seems short by our recent standards. DONE DEAL/QPR NEWS – JOEY BARTON CONFIRMED AT MARSEILLE
22.44 Watch out The Dempsey, Toothy is coming to get you. TWEET @JonnyBoyQPR “M'bia signing delayed As Rob Hulse stands on a chair with the pen,saying "nah,nah,ne,nah" He'll do anything for a squad number.” TWEET @19Sean66 “ Rigor mortis sets in for Bassett and no one has noticed.” BREAKING NEWS – strong suggestions on Twitter that the Stoke chav with a 3% can of Carlsberg may not be old enough to drink. Things are getting out of hand there. Kate Adie is on route. DONE DEAL Nicky Maynard confirms move to Cardiff. Seriously, with that team, surely even the Red Devils cannot mess up promotion this season. DRINK – INTERVIEW THROUGH A CAR WINDOW It’s Christian somebody-or-other at Aston Villa. Talk of a second wind in the bunker sends @andy_hillman scuttling off to the liquor cabinet. TWEET/DRINK @RobGilbz asks: “Will the QPR press release about Barton leaving wish him luck in his move? Drink if it does, shot of heroin if it doesn't.” 22.28 So 32 minutes to go. Hopefully Templeton isn’t playing the full version of Rockin in the Free World on that guitar as part of his medical. 22.26 The Mad Chicken Farmers at Blackburn have delved into their random Iberian name generating machine and signed Diogo Rosado and Nuno Henrique. No, us neither. 22.25 Lee Clark is either as drunk as everybody in the LFW Transfer Bunker or is missing his true vocation on a late night north east radio show specialising in love ballads and sex chat. 22.23 That poor bastard has been standing outside a clearly closed, dark and locked up Liverpool training ground all night saying “Never say never.” Give it up man, even the chavs have gone home. DRINK Tits Mcgee at Upton Park TWEET @neildejyothin “Are we still meeting you at East Finchley in the morning? How are you going to make it home? What is your state?” Oh God, yeh. We’re on the 09.00 to Manchester tomorrow for that proper football stuff. Hadn’t thought about that. Errrrr. Anybody own a mini cab firm in the Earlsfield area and fancy a mates’ rates fare to Barnet? TWEET @allykat_12 “SSN Flashy graphics Dempsey signs a three year DEAT at Tottenham.” DRINK – Interview through a car window. It’s Ashley Westwood at Villa. The cry of “drink” is met by a mixture of groans and moans in the LFW Transfer Bunker. Three dead so far. 22.12 “Why didn’t they do this weeks ago?” asks Bassett. As Keith Lemon said to Kelly Brook last night: “If men weren’t obsessed with tits, you’d be working in fucking Dixons love.” 22.10 Bassett starts a ruck in the studio over whether anybody can give 110%, and then loses himself in a sentence that contains both 3-5-2 and 4-3-3. Numbers a strong point or not, hard to tell. Anyway, Dowie is bawling on again now, Dembele and Dempsey, Dempsey and Dembele, The Dempsey, Dembele, Dembele, The Dempsey. Brain explosion. 22.09 Yossi Benayoun on £92k a week at Chelsea. Drink that in for a moment will you. 22.08 £440m spent so far – Children in Need has done well this year. 22.06 It goes against LFW editorial policy to report on anything going on in Scotland but David Templeton has just arrived to sign for Rangers while holding a guitar. More of this sort of thing please. 22.04 Man City have got rid of Stefan Savic - no wonder QPR have loaned out Bothroyd, the lanky streak of piss couldn’t even pray on that weakling any more. 22.03 Why is Javi Garcia fighting his way through that revolving door at Man City when there’s a wide open conventional door right next to it? 22.02 Paul Whittingham asks: “Do the girls on SSN do a calendar?” Missed business opportunity if not. 22.01 I’m not going to lie, the LFW crew is somewhat the worse for wear. “WHOOA HO” says Jim. 22.00 Right, one hour to go, and it’s nearly time for Spurs to pull that fast one with the broken fax machine again. 21.49 SSN interviewer asks new Everton signing Bryan Oviedo “I hear you play anywhere on the left” and he agrees, replying “Yes I played in Copenhagen.” 21.47 Can’t go to main camera, they’re busy resuscitating Basset after a “massive stroke”. 21.47 Camera one Jim. Jim. Camera one. JIM. 21.41 White City Estate, fashion capital of London, man with an umbrella hat greets M’Bia as he makes his way into Loftus Road. 21.40 Barton about to join Marseille. Dowie says “Good athlete, does certain things well, he’s got fantastic, what an atmosphere it is at Stade Velodrome as well.”
DONE DEAL Man City have completed the signing of Matija Nastasic from Fiorentina. TWEETS @BPQPR and @19Sean66 both noting Arsenal fans in the background at QPR and Spurs. “Transfer deadline day - or Friday to an Arsenal fan.” 21.31 Natalie Sawyer competently completes link between clips. “Well done with that Natalie,” says Jim, patting her on the head with one hand and holding his phone in the other, hot with complete nonsense from all over the world. 21.30 Silly season within silly season: Michael Essien going to Real Madrid, The Dempsey fighting his way through the pondlife outside the Spurs training ground. Villa, meanwhile, sign Ashley Westwood from Crewe. TWEET @iainmacintosh “Jesus Christ. They're going to tear Gary Cotterill limb from limb and eat him at midnight, aren't they? Get out, Gary! It's a trap! IT'S A TRAP!” 21.17 Bassett appears to be selling Lloris before Spurs have even bought him: “If he’s not in the team in January then Friedel has done the business and he’ll be on his way.” He’d make a great QPR manager. In related news QPR have transfer listed Julio Cesar. 21.15 Paul adds: “But his tie really brings out his eyes.” 21.14 Iain Dowie: “Hugo Lloris a couple of years ago, two years, ago, was one of the best three goalkeepers in the world, if not the best three goalkeepers in the world, but I wonder if his form, his form, has dipped a little bit of the last two years, couple of years, but still a goalkeeper.” Paul Whittingham: “Iain Dowie doesn’t know a single fucking thing about Hugo Lloris.” TWEET @fawazalhasawi the Nottingham Forest chairman: “I'm honoured to announce that striker Billy Sharp is to spend the rest of the season on loan with us from Southampton. Come on you Reds.” 21.06 Chelsea are 4-0 down. Devastating. DONE DEAL Here’s some actual news – not made up stuff. Kane Ferdinand goes from Southend to Peterborough for £200,000. Meanwhile the Spurs Chavs have their wax crayons out and have prepared a small poster that asks “Who have Arsenal signed”. Nobody, selling quality players is all the rage in north London these days. 21.00 Top of the hour. Jim is handed a piece of paper in a clearly staged SSN stunt. He reports what he was going to say anyway – Stephane M’Bia is on his way to Loftus Road after passing a medical. Expect him to be swatting aside the gathered scum with his enormous member live on air at about 21.47. 20.55 Dowie and Basset are still sort of talking. Bursting forwards with random words before they’ve been through the vetting procedure of conscious thought. Neither of them could tell you what question they were asked six minutes ago when this alarming monologue began. 20.54 Live blog of Trollied coming up. TEXT Always nice to hear from your mum at a time of incredible stress. She advises: “You must be working overtime with all the goings on at Rangers. If you get chance, watch Trollied on Sky One tonight at 9pm. It’s hilarious.” 20.49 Dowie – three minutes of random words strung randomly together. Dave Bassett two minutes of similarly random words, delivered in a more considered manner while staring unfalteringly straight at Sawyer’s chest. 20.46 Jim White is now referring to Clint Dempsey – deliberate or otherwise - as “The Dempsey.” We shall follow suit from here on in. It doesn’t appear as if The Dempsey will be going anywhere – the SSN man is at a clearly closed Liverpool training ground reporting that “everybody has gone home” but “anything can still happen”. QPR NEWS Couple of enormous clunges behind the Sky man at Loftus Road awaiting the arrival of Stephane “Le Penis” M’Bia. “A gatekeeper and keymaster situation,” observes @andy_hillman. 20.33 Natalie Sawyer wonders if any chairman are considering a late move for Mark Falco from Atletico. What’s this? It’s a woman with a wild and dangerous opinion of her own. Women – know your limits. 20.32 Popped over to have ten minutes with Chelsea – because I like watching them lose. Returned to SSN to find nothing has happened. It’s like when they come back from the break on Lorraine: “If you’ve just joined us, you’ve missed nothing.” 20.30: Oh yes. Mark Falco in again for Athletico. Butter my arse. 20.19 @charminglass has paused for breath. Very upset at Reading calling its main shopping centre “The Oracle”. Pretentious she says. Hard to argue. 20.17 Iain Dowie would be more suited to LFW duties today: “Glass, glass half full, glass half empty, glass, whatever is in that glass, glass half full or glass half empty, you have to drink it at 11pm.” Too right Iain, everybody has to down their drink at 11pm regardless. 20.14 @charminglass commences anti-Reading rant… 20.12 While QPR’s press team hand out free Nandos live on air, Spurs banish Mr Toothy to the other side of the road after he tries to film pizza delivery to the staff working late on saving Andre Villas Boas’ skin. 20.08 I hope Maryland are shelling out for the flagrant product placement going on among the Tottenham chavs. 20.05 20 minutes in over at Chelsea’s big night – Falcao three attempts, two on target, two goals. 2-0. 20.00 Into the final three hours, Emile Heskey said to be on the verge of nominating himself as an independent candidate for the Corby bi-election. TWEET @diggermattscott with a snapshot of Chelsea’s travelling support at tonight’s Super Cup fixture in Monaco
19.46 FelthamRanger reports on our Message Board that Shaun Derry is set for Birmingham. #toogoodtocheck TWEET And the penis discussion just keeps on coming (so to speak) as @bwoddbridge33 informs us: “Mbia medical grinds to a halt as he "flops it out" to a stunned doctor and an even more stunned Sky man.” 19.40 We welcome @charminglass to the LFW Transfer deadline soirée. She’s straight into the action by asking whether Norwich’s Pink Un forum doubles up as a sort of rural, six fingered Gaydar type affair. She’s assured it’s all related to the old Saturday evening sports pages that used to be published on different coloured paper. Now the dicusssion turns to how much fun gay people could have with six fingers. 19.38 SSN horribly compromised by taking free Nandos from Ian Taylor and the QPR press team. Don’t want to do that mate. 19.37 Truly awful jacket and shirt combo in the background at Loftus Road. 19.35 Here’s a fax from RobFleck, a Norwich fan on their never-shy-of-a-knee-jerk-reaction Pink ‘Un forum: “I hate the club and hope it all goes pear shaped for them. It's not jealousy, it's just that this money is destroying the sport I love. We're talking about a crappy club with a crappy stadium in West-London. Some asehole with money turns up and suddenly they're signing one player after the other. I will always support Norwich City, but if this trend continues in football, I might stop following it like I used to. 19.31 The bastard love child of the boy from the Never Ending Story and Boris Johnson spotted in the bottom corner of the Stoke updates. PANIC – LFW SKY BOX THREATENS TO GO ON STANDBY 19.24 The adverts have changed. People watching at this hour still have enough time on their hands to build a model helicopter but also have the money to buy gratuitous amounts of tat from Homebase. They also drink Coors Light. I hate people who watch television at this time. 19.18 Iain Dowie says Jack Butland to Everton is a great move for all parties. Paul Whittingham – scratching his bollocks – says it’s a dreadful move because he won’t usurp Tim Howard any time soon. Dowie is now just yelling words in a random order, Harry Basset is talking about how things look from “a football point of view” which suggests we’ve been errantly considering things from another point of view so far today. 19.12 Live bullying outside the Spurs Lodge. “Bale, Bale, Bale” they chant at a chimp-like local. He hides his face behind a cap before a suicide attempt later. Mr Three Teeth laughs, Jim White laughs, we’re all laughing. Hahaha, silly chimp-like boy. 19.09 “Some talk that Clint Dempsey would like to come here,” says My Three Teeth at Tottenham. “Could happen,” he concludes. Could not. Might be made up. Who’s checking? 19.09 Memories already flooding back of Jim White’s appearance at the QPR Player of the Year dinner with his trophy/rented wife. She had to leave early, she got a part in The Bill. 19.04 “Scott Sinclair trusting his car keys with security staff he’s never met,” says the verbose moron SSN have babbling on outside Eastlands. 19.02 And already the nonsense is flowing. Fulham have rejected a bid for Clint Demspey. Says who? Doesn’t matter, it’s fact now. Speak it and it becomes fact for the next four hours. Man City might sign as many as five players apparently – might not of course but, again, who’s checking? “Too good to check” my editor used to say about stories that were great but almost certainly not true. Abandon your journalism scruples people, here’s four hours of Jim saying whatever the fuck he likes. 19.01 Jim opens with “Natalie and I are having a party, and you’re all invited.” Is it like one of Paddy Kenny’s parties? Natalie’s dress suggests so. 19.00
18.57 Want to know how it feels to be Danielle Lloyd? Come to a @andy_hillman barbecue. Everybody is now stuffed with Premiership quality meat. And with that, we prepare for the arrival of Jim White. DONE DEAL/QPR NEWS If you’re in the Earlsfield area, that smell is the the Cajun chicken going onto the LFW barbecue courtesy of chef @andy_hillman. That cheering from the back garden is all of us marking the departure of Jay Bothroyd to Sheffield Wednesday on a six month loan deal. 18.27 Right, SSN are consulting foreign journalists about their opinions on players moving overseas from the Premier League. This is excellent, and terribly worthy, it’s also something LFW has dabbled in recently with out own Miguel Ortiz. However, we’re English, and therefore we don’t give a stuff what Johnny Foreigner thinks really. So it’s time for meat. We’ll be back from the barbecue in plenty of time for the arrival of Jim White at 7pm. Which Sky say we should be excited about. And we are. Promise. BREAKING NEWS Video footage of earlier novelty tennis ball attack on Sky’s Peter Stevenson at Stoke released. Ex QPR News Giles Coke moves from Sheff Wed to Swindon on loan. 18.13 Not since the last deadline day as the definition of “news” been stretched quite so far and so flagrantly as it is now by Darmesthsh Shthethsh on SSN. 18.09 God the stench of Lynx Africa must be overpowering in that group behind old Three Tooth at Spurs. It’s seeping through the TV here. “Has Lloris gone to the local clinic?” asks Mr Toothy – quite a few behind him nod knowingly at mention of said clinic. 18.08 There is an enormous 11-year-old girl at the back of the Spurs chavs. Never mind Moutinho, what if she takes over the world? 18.03 @andy_hillman, breaking from barbecue duties to ask “what’s that famous service station in the M4 corridor? Leigh Delamere?” 17.59 Wow, another hour gone. Amazing amount of beer consumed here so far. We’re an hour away from Jim White apparently. Kill me now. No, really, kill me. Now. Do it. Oh God, here it comes. 17.59 QPR, like the Lexus CT, don’t stop until they create amazing. SHOTS – JIM WHITE GATECRASHING OTHER SKY SHOWS A cutting edge discussion between “Fenners” and “Merse” about whether Steven Gerrard should remain in “Merse’s” fantasy league team is interrupted by Jim White bursting into the studio. This is presumably meant to increase exposure of White while promoting Sky’s new Friday night Fantasy Football programme. In reality, even through the alcoholic haze of the LFW Transfer Bunker, it makes them all look like absolute tools. Stop it now. No. Stop it. Stop it. Stop that. 17.50 We have five hours, nine minutes, 37 seconds to go. There’s some Celtic bullshit being announced at the moment. NOBODY CARES. TWEETS An exchange between QPR chairman @tonyfernandes and somebody pretending to be QPR’s manager @NotSparky Hughes… @tonyfernandes “Never understand why fans from other clubs just focus on their own clubs. And how on earth do they know our finances.” @NotSparkyHughes “Oh just ignore the soppy fuckers. Clueless twats spouting cliches and other brainfarts online, looking for a bite.” 17.45 Thank you to message board regular Jamie for his tip on more Kirsty Gallagher smut. Stan Collymore said in his autobiography: “She did things with chocolate fingers that have stopped me looking at them in the same way since.” You can all conjure your own image for that one – or call Collymore on his weekly Talk Sport phone in to ask him for more details. 17.41 And here come Dave Bassett and Iain Dowie – the “brains trust”. The camera cuts back to the studio too quickly for Dave who was caught leaning over a monitor at a right angle with some thick rimmed spectacles on. Dowie filled with some spit-infested nonsense while Dave readied himself to say Berbatov isn’t a bad player. DONE DEAL – Pablo Hernandez, £5.55m from Valencia to Swansea Good to know who is going to be demolishing QPR in February. 17.37 Dear SSN. Go inside. If your reporter is surrounded by scum, take them inside somewhere. 17.36 Vinny O’Connor’s report from Liverpool’s training ground ended prematurely after a pile on of chavs and special cases. 17.32 Hats off to the SSN man at Stoke. Absolutely nothing is happening there and yet there he stands, surrounded by an increasingly disabled and disturbing group of fucktards. Once it gets dark that guy is in serious, serious trouble. Ex QPR NEWS Ridiculously detailed news of Ugo Ukah’s recent surgery on a broken arm, including the name of the surgeon. Thanks to David Ashfield from Ashfield. 17.26 You can tell the bloke next to the poor SSN schmuck at Stoke in the blue baseball cap is a proper wrong un by the way it takes him three seconds to blink. If he’s not a registered sex offender I’ll be absolutely amazed. BREAKING NEWS - @ANDY_HILLMAN IS FIRING UP THE BARBECUE More on this as the food is brought through. 17.23 Very wide racial range of locals behind the man at Loftus Road. The Guardian will be delighted. DRINK – Interview through a car window. Rangers CEO apparently. Literally drives away in the middle of a question. 17.21 QPR fan Thom Gibbs is in the hot seat at The Telegraph for their live blog. No doubt more professional than this. Look in, but come back to us. 17.18 Analysis of his first hour in the bunker from Paul Whittingham: “She does have a cracking rack doen’t she, Gallagher?” DONE DEALS: Nicklas Bendtner goes to Juventus. Idiots. Cameron Stewart joins Burnley on loan from Hull. 17.08 Mr Toothy at Tottenham asks the Spurs chavs behind him to part and reveal the training ground behind them. He shouts “open sesame” like some crazy toothless wizard. They do so, revealing a cheeky prankster in an Arsenal shirt who is subsequently chased off by an angry mob. 17.01 It’s five hours and 58 minutes to the deadline and five hours and 28 minutes away from Spurs’ bi-annual £5m offer for Giuseppe Rossi. 17.00 Right… So far… Charlie Adam has gone to Stoke, Liverpool paying his McDonalds bill for the first two years of the deal. Ross Kemp is going to Glasgow – therefore any footballers considering doing likewise should reconsider. Fulham are signing players who wear cravats – reinforcing their stereotypes and bringing them closer to the fans. Vacant-eyed maniac has suspiciously disappeared from the crowd of chavs at Stoke. SSN saw Jermaine Jenas leave Spurs at 12.55 and said he was going to Sunderland – they then reported at 13.13 that the move had “collapsed”. LFW understands that was a load of nonsense to begin with. 16.56 We’re coming up to hour. The adverts are improving. The beer is soaking in. We’ll provide an all encompassing update in four minutes. TWEET @robith “In these days of fans feeling distant from the players good to see Fulham bridging the gap by signing players who wear cravats.” TWEET @earlofweird “Harry Redknapp spotted at KFC's drive-through. Staff claim he just wanted to talk to someone from his car window.” SONG - Another sighting of Ryan Stevenson in the car park at Hearts. 16.50 Off for an irrelevant update on the goings on in the SPL. If you’re considering signing for a Scottish side today, remember that Ross Kemp’s latest documentary series is taking place in New Orleans, Venezuela and Glasgow. According to @ColinSpeller you know your city is fucked when Ross Kemp turns up. DRINK – interview through a car window It’s Tottenham’s goalkeeping coach Tony Parks, a man who has to look after “Spider Trapped Under a Glass” Heurelho Gomes on a daily basis. 16.47 You can tell the day is wearing on – we’re into a better quality of adverts now. They’re targeting people who own cars, but might be considering driving it without insurance. Higher class of viewer at 16.47. DRINK – Interview through a car window. Michael Laudrup says very little, but it’s shots all round all the same. Paul wonders “When are they going to start losing? I hope it’s soon.” A reminder that LFW tipped Swansea (5-0, 3-0 so far) to finish bottom this year. 16.37 1 – The guy at Sunderland has a head like a potato. 2 – He’s at motorway service station. 16.36 Here he comes, footage of Stephane M’Bia getting off the plane at a “secret location” (SSN don’t know where it is) dressed as a snooker player and shaking hands with a pilot. BREAKING NEWS – Andrew Flintoff is advertising for Jacamo More on this devastating news as soon as we can get Michael Buerk to the scene to file a tear-jerking report. #dawn TWEET On the theme of Stephane M’Bia’s giant penis, @alex_ingham writes: “Reports of an escaped anaconda on the loose in East London turns out to be our Stéphane Mbia. He's in West London.” 16.24 And we welcome Paul Whittingham into the LFW Transfer Bunker. He opens with this: “That Laura Robson is bang tidy.” TWEET David Ashfield from Ashfield writes on our Twitter feed: “Any idea if Sam Magri is related to the 80's boxer Charlie Magri?” Sam Magri signed from Portsmouth this morning before we were awake. If you can answer that, great. If not, here’s a compilation of Charlie Magri knockouts from the 1980s. 16.20 Dear DFS, all of your sofas are hideous. Especially that black leather one. DRINK – INTERVIEW THROUGH A CAR WINDOW In other news, the chavs have taken a turn for the sinister. There’s a ghostly looking presence in a blue hoody moving purposefully left and right behind the poor SN schmuck sent to Liverpool. 16.04 Our betting man @andy_hillman informs me that Michael Owen has been backed in from 66/1 to 4/1 to rejoin Liverpool.
16.02 And to steal a line from @TheBig_Sam “Kirsty Gallagher, sit on my face and piss.” 16.00 Ok, so we’re into that crucial last seven hours of the window. Another clip of Jim White going through the revolving door. Another shot of the swaying Stoke fans sort of singing. At Spurs Lodge four Tottenham fans have just paid for a taxi up to the training ground. 15.59 So, can the stunt person who falls down the steps on the Injury Lawyers For You advert sue for injuries incurred in the act? 15.57 Mytch has been in touch to say: “Just a thought: Assuming Stephane Mbia is confirmed, and given what we know about him from his Wikipedia profile, is there any chance of rekindling the sponsorship deal with Sellotape?” There’s a man who can smell money and giant willies a mile away. Well done Mytch. EMILE HESKEY ALERT Oddschanger reports that Emile Heskey is about to join Charlton, the poor loves. Bet Victor have him at 40/1 to make that move if you want to get on it. 15.49 Somebody else getting out of a car at Spurs. Could be Moutinho. Could by Lloris. Could be a member of the cleaning staff for all I, and Mr Three Teeth, knows. News. Fact x Importance = News. 15.46 And a fax from @lowstrength asks: “Wonder what Gianni Paladini is up to today...he must feel like a heroin addict on their first day at rehab.” Probably wining and dining favoured agents for when the day comes again Joe my friend. 15.44 We’ve also heard from @pimmsinacann on the text – that’s the lovely Tracey who features in the Awayday reviews as our executive VP in charge of drinks – to tell us that going from being a member of Blue to standing outside Spurs’ training ground is in fact a sideways step. So that’s confirmed – sideways move for Anthony Costa there. 15.43 This just in from @alansimps1984 – exclusive images of Andy Carroll flying in to seal his deal at West Ham.
15.39 Stephane M’Bia has landed in London and is being taken to “a secret location in Surrey” for his medical. “Secret location” as regular viewers will know is SSN talk for “we don’t know where he’s going.” 15.38 LFW’s own version of Jim White, fun-time-guy Paul Whittingham, is on the train at Waterloo with a one way ticket to Earlsfield. Lock up your daughters south of the river. 15.33 A heavily tattooed Ryan Stevenson arrives at Hearts in a plunging v-neck t-shirt to discuss his impending move from Shoreditch. Tweet @cookie17lee “Everyone is wanking over deadline day!!!” 15.26 Aiden McGee, the SSN reporter at West Ham, will hence forth be known as Tits McGee. DONE DEAL – Dimitar Berbatov joins Fulham from Man Utd, £5m, two year deal Fulham have a strict wage cap at £50k a week, Berbatov earned £110k a week at Man Utd. 15.19 Debate in the LFW bunker was whether going from being a member of Blue to standing outside the Spurs training ground was a forwards, backwards or sideways step. It’s now what Sky would have done had that reporter just turned around and piled into the Stoke tennis ball assassin John Prescott style after being struck on the head. 15.18 Jamie Mackie on Granero’s preparation for Man City: “We don’t do a lot in training before the game”. Yes Jamie, we can tell. You’re still lovely though. TWEET@Joey7Barton “Hopefully, once the ink is dry. I can immerse myself in the culture, learn the language and just play football. That is my dream...” And that dream can be a reality for you Joey if only you can resist the urge to headbutt people, stub cigars out in their eyes etc etc BREAKING NEWS The Sky Sports reporter at Stoke City has been struck on the head by a giant novelty tennis ball. More on this as we get it. “That’s not funny, it’s puerile,” says @andy_hillman, snorting beer out of his nose. Can confirm it wasn’t the guy with the faraway look in his eyes that threw it. 15.04 Behind camera chav updates… At Spurs there’s a guy going for the Kerry Katona Parent of the Year award by standing in the middle of a main through road with a baby in a pushchair. There’s also what appears to be a Leeds fan with a ‘Bates Out’ sign. Anthony Costa, formerly of “boy band Blue” also among the crowd – fallen on hard times clearly. Meanwhile up at Stoke there must be 50 of the little fuckers and one guy with a faraway look in his eyes that suggests he’s about to massacre all of them. Do it. Do it now. You’ll be a hero in my eyes you crazy loon. 15.00 Right, top of the hour, eight hours to go, what have we learnt so far? Well, it turns out that if you’re at home watching this you are either old enough to need a last ditch life insurance policy and can be tempted by a free pen, you’ve been sold PPI protection illegally, you need a quick cash loan after spunking your dosh on Stella, or you’ve got so much money washing around you can afford to hand it all over to Great Ormond Street Hospital. 14.56 Merse is car crash television on a same level as Channel 4’s botched attempt to put one of their disabled presenters into a racing wheelchair live on air – for fully seven minutes – this time yesterday. 14.54 Jesus. Here comes “Merse” to tell us about the affects of all of this on Fantasy Football. 14.48 Oh dear. Three locals behind the camera at QPR training ground. Don’t let the side down lads. DRINK INTERVIEW THROUGH A CAR WINDOW. It’s Maurice Edu, unable to get out and speak to the reporters politely and in a civilised manner after being surrounded by the chavs. Keep the car moving Maurice, that thing will be up on bricks before you can say “what have I done?” 14.46 During a lull in proceedings let’s remind ourselves of the (since deleted) entry from QPR’s prospective new signing Stephane M’Bia’s Wikipedia profile: “His penis is known to drop out of his shorts as he runs so he has to tape it to his leg. His ex girlfriend apparently had was nicknamed "John Wayne" by her friends due to the way in which she walked after a night of passion with Le Penis, as he is affectionately known by those that shower with him after games." 14.32 They’re talking about Scottish football now so that seems as good a point as any to return to pictures of Phil Brown looking a tit…
Ex QPR NEWS Stevenage have been tricked into signing Patrick Agyemang on a one year deal. Fiendish trickery from the personalised-reg-Bentley-funster. 14.27 SSN report a helicopter landing at Fulham. Ryan Babel is back. Ex QPR NEWS Damien Delaney, linked with Forest, teams up with Peter Ramage at Crippled Alice. 14.24 Devastating to see the yoofs who were standing behind the West Ham reporter holding up swear words written out on A4 sheets of paper have been moved on by the Metropolitan Police. A man has just run behind him and growled though which is excellent. 14.22 “Tony Pulis clearly focusing on improving his midfield.” The question immediately asked in the LFW Transfer Bunker (Earlsfield) is why? Why improve something you never use. Don’t see me painting my spare room do you? DRINK Stoke chavs. 14.14 Phil Brown says QPR an overtake Chelsea, Tottenham and Arsenal. This sent us off in search of pictures of Phil Brown looking like a tit – preferably with his Britney mic – and we had a lot to choose from. Strangely though, the first one provided by a search on Action Images is Phil in a motorised wheelchair.
TWEET@ Andy_Hillman “Gary Cotterill on SSN: look over there, there's someone who either IS Joao Moutinho, or he isn't. but he's over there... incisive.” 14.04 And now we’re zooming in on a random hairy man in the car park at Spurs who we don’t believe is Moutinho but could well be somebody to do with Moutinho. An agent? A family member? It looks like Teen Wolf to be honest. LFW understands Tottenham are about to conclude a deal for Teen Wolf. 14.03 “It’s a bit like hunting the Scarlet Pimpernel isn’t it?” says Brown. Yes. Yes it’s exactly like that. I was only just saying to Andy that’s exactly what this is like. 14.02 “Scott Sinclair has arrived to fill that spot vacated by Adam Johnson…” on the substitutes bench. 14.01 Another shot of Jim White going through the revolving doors. Down to an amber alert lazy lob on now. 14.00 Oh yes. Kirsty Gallagher. Opta Stats say the size of my erection is currently 8.4inches. 13.57 Have you been sold PPI insurance illegally? No? Ok, well we’ll be back in 12 minutes to ask you again. QPR NEWS Mark Hughes says he expects Joey Barton’s move to Marseille to go through quickly. M’Bia flying in from the South of France to complete his move the other way. Hughes says they’re not related or dependent on each other. The mayor of Marseille has called in the army to deal with angry gang reaction. TWEET @andy_hillman I've met Jim White, and his trophy wife. He's as annoying in real life as he is on TV. He talks like he's presenting, ALL THE TIME 13.46 And as they’re now talking about cricket that seems like as good a point as any for a bridging round. #Peroni TWEET @robith “Hoffenheim have cancelled Ryan Babbel's contract. A great boost for helicopter manufacturers in these tough times.” 13.44 @andy_hillman on the blower to the Over 50 Plan. Says we get a Parker Pen just for enquiring. We’ll see…. 13.35 QPR’s press man Ian Taylor confirms Esteban Granero has clearance to play at City tomorrow. But never mind that, Sky have broken away from their coverage to inform us that Jim White has arrived for work.
EMILE HESKEY ALERT Here’s a fax from @twistedfister77 (pleasant) linking Heskey with a move to Southampton. No evidence for it whatsoever but we like it. TWEET@Andy_Hillman If they continue to call him 'AVB' for the next ten hours someone will end up dead. and yet I’ll be the one in the wrong. Madness. 13.30 Phil Brown calls Harry Redknapp a “wheeler dealer”. You don’t want to do that. You don’t want to do that at all. Classic You Tube 13.28 “How does Moutinho sound Spurs fans?” asks Sky’s Gary Cotterill. About as good as your Jermaine Jenas to Sunderland bullshit sounded at 12.55 you toothy git (a deal then said to be “off” – i.e. work of fiction – a full 13 minutes after it was first reported). Incidentally, Cotterill could get a job as an extra on Pirates of the Caribbean with those gnashers. 13.21 So Richard Wright signs for Manchester City just two weeks after leaving Preston because he was homesick. Wright said at the time: “I’ve only been away from home for a few days and I know already that I cannot live that far away from my family.” Off The Post provide this helpful guide for the easily confused.
TWEET @90sfootballers Gary Penrice spotted at King's Cross Station, believed to be heading to Arsenal's training ground. #90sDeadlineDay DRINKING GAME DOUBLE SHOTS Not only the first sighting of an enormous group of Stoke chavs (does nobody there work?) but an interview conducted through a car window. 13.09 Sky’s Darmeshth Sheshth says Danny Rose is going to Sunderland to replace Kieran Richardson. A winger being forced to play left back replacing a winger being forced to play left back then. Shrewd. Stick to what you know. 13.08 We have nine hours, 51 minutes and 42 seconds left. No, 38 seconds, no, 35 seconds. God I can’t stand it. DONE DEAL Charlie Adam signs a four year deal with Stoke City for a fee of £4m. Liverpool will continue to pay for his McDonalds meal deals for the first two years of the deal. CLICHÉ KLAXON Phil Brown tells SSN this is the “biggest game of cards in the history of the game.” Well. Yes. 12.51 – So here we go. We’re coming to you live from LFW’s Transfer Bunker in sunny Earlsfield. Overheard phone conversations on the train down here included: “Does my unborn child give its permission for its ultrasound scan picture to appear on Facebook? I don’t think it does.” No love, but as it will discover when it’s born to a Guardian reading left wing lunatic life’s a shitter, get used to it. Now regular readers (hello to both) will know exactly what I think of Transfer Deadline Day and this weird fascination everybody has with a deranged Scottish man shouting absolute nonsense down a camera lens until 11pm. You’ll also be aware that I have some misgivings about the amount of stories Sky Sports News report that turn out to be complete works of fiction (at 5pm yesterday they reported that Andy Carroll would be staying at Liverpool) when they’re also running a betting market on who’s going where alongside their coverage. “Sky Sports News understand Michael Owen is to sign for Stoke/Everton/Scunthorpe – don’t forget you can bet on where you think he’ll go with us,” hmmmmmmm. Dodgy. But Jim White says that people who don’t like Transfer Deadline Day just don’t like excitement in their lives and I like excitement as much as the next person – well, probably a bit less than the next person but I suppose it’s alright from time to time. So a couple of weeks ago LFW’s betting columnist Andy Hillman made a suggestion: what if we took the day off work, fired up the barbecue, stocked the fridge, and covered deadline day and its associated drinking games for LFW. A cynical, thinking man’s look through the hype with associated beer jokes. Well I like beer, and I like barbecue, and I don’t like going to work so that seemed like an idea I could get on board with. So here it is, the first ever LFW Live Blog of anything. It’s rudimentary, like everything else on site, just keep hitting refresh and updates will appear below this ramble from 1pm. Tweet us @loftforwords or @andy_hillman and we’ll publish the best ones. Tweet @loftforwords, @andy_hillman Pictures – Action Images Photo: Action Images Please report offensive, libellous or inappropriate posts by using the links provided.
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