The third annual LFW deadline day sort-of-live spectacular Monday, 1st Sep 2014 15:00 by Clive Whittingham, Jasmine Sandalli, Andy Hillman Get in touch on The Twitter @loftforwords using our dedicated hashtag #jimwhitesroughglove, via e-mail to 23.00 So, the window is closed. Mark Falco is signing for Man Utd, and Danny Welbeck is going to Arsenal. They've had all summer to do it, but they're applying for extensions now, in the fine degree-student tradition of this country. QPR have signed Niko Kranjcar and Sandro, turned down the demands of Jermain Defoe, Fabio Borini and several others. Whatever Sky tell you, its a transfer deadline day headlined by Mo Diame moving from West Ham to Hull, George Boyd moving from Hull to Burnley, Hatem Ben Arfa going to Hull from Newcastle ad James McArthur going from Wigan to Palace. An eye-catcher we didn't mention earlier - Luciano Becchio has gone from Norwich to Rotherham in the Championship. I'll be honest. We're all drunk. We're signing off now. There's only so much interest you can maintain in whatever the fuck Danny Welbeck is doing with his time. Overall... Lewis Holtby has left the country. This is a bad thing. QPR have done well though. Until next time... 22.59 Bondy Bond is ready to go. Please be upstanding. 22.55 Big Ben approaches. Mark Falco is going to Man Utd, but not before 23.00, but that doesn't matter. Danny Welbeck is going to Arsenal, but not before 23.00, but that doesn't matter. 22.50 Uncle Tony says... “I think Niko will be done. He’s worked hard on his fitness, he’s lost weight, he’ll be a good addition to us. We tried for Jermain, we’ll do back for it in January, Harry feels we have enough with strikers. We’ve kept Adel, he’ll surprise people, he can turn games for us in a few minutes. I think Adel will be something special for us in the rest of the season, he’s a player who can do extraordinary things.” 22.45 At Aston Villa - a dog that looks like Harry Redknapp, and an assault from a sex doll. 22.40 QPR club photographer in full on "give me a growl, give me a growl like a tiger" mode with Sandro. Arsenal apparently struggling to get Danny Welbeck over the line, which is a bit like struggling to to win against Oxford United. 22.39 A dozen pre-pubescent scumbags surround the reporter at Tottenham, accompanied by one toothless, middle-aged sket. She waves at the camera, and shows her falsies in a wide smile. "Maintenance payment Thursday," she yells. It's quite possible that this beast has birthed everybody in the picture, and taken them all up to the Tottenham training ground tonight in the hope of a free feed. 22.35 Man Utd can extend the deadline by a further hour for Mark Falco by putting in a 'term sheet' apparently. Meanwhile, the Man Utd doctor has just lifted the bonnet on their Colombian target, had a quick glance around, kissed his teeth and uttered the time-honoured mechanic line "hmmmm, we can fix it, but it's gonna cost ya." 22.25 The man in the morph suit with the very, very, very, very tiny penis has appeared at Upton Park. It's a Bet Fair thing apparently. Jesus guys, you could hire better than this. Meanwhile, the latest "fuck her right in the pussy" mysoginist clown emerges from the crowd, says his line, and exits stage left. This whole day - the money spent, the people involved, the way it's reported, the scum behind the presenters - does not reflect well on English football, or England in general. 22.20 Having signed the register down at Hammersmith nick by the 22.00 deadline, the local Chelsea non-attenders have hot-footed it down to Loftus Road to wave flags around behind the reporter at QPR. If somebody offered to shoot me in the face now I'd take it. 22.10 DONE DEAL - QPR SIGN SANDRO FROM TOTTENHAM ON A THREE YEAR DEAL. FEE IN THE REGION OF £6M
22.06 Now moved away from the aggressive sexual predator with the dildo, and standing behind a line of police, Sky Drone Irwin reflects on the thought of going home to his wife with his left ear stinking of an overweight, middle aged, scouser.
Meanwhile, Tom Cleverley is staying at Man Utd. He went to Aston Villa, and they offered him regular first team football in the top flight, despite his lack of ability. He asked them if he'd pay £90k a week, and they laughed and sent him on his way. He went to Everton, and they offered him regular first team football in the top flight, despite his lack of ability. He asked them if he'd pay £90k a week, and they laughed and sent him on his way. One wonders, who in the name of God Tom Cleverley thinks he is? 22.00 For the final time today, the headlines on the hour. QPR are signing Niko Kranjcar and Sandro - deals for Lassana Diarra, Fabio Borini, Jermain Defoe and others appear to have fallen over. Hull City seem like the big winners today, bringing in Mo Diame from West Ham, Hatem Ben Arfa from Newcastle and Uruguay striker Abel Hernandez. Mark Falco and partially-sighted regular newspaper the Daley Blind are in at Man Utd. Sky reporter attacked by purple dildo at Everton. Kevin Phillips take Peter Alliss Golf Day on a play off from Len Goodman. 21.58 Alvaro Negredo going to Valencia from Man City. 21.54 James McArthur finalised at Crystal Palace. Meanwhile... 21.47 Here's the live update from Crystal Palace you're not going to see on Sky tonight. 21.43 All QPR updates are currently being lost amongst an egotistical diatribe from "comedian" Lee Nelson/Simon Brodkin, who is about as funny as a dose of the Ebola Virus. Gary Colgate knew as much about what was going on at QPR as we did, but we'd still like to hear his slimey bullshit rather than somebody who was once told by a coked up TV executive that he was mildly amusing. 21.38 They're talking about Scottish football. Make your own fun for a few minutes. 21.34 Here comes Bryan Swanston, who has all the teeth Gary Gotterill is missing, pretending to operate his giant touch screen again. Meanwhile Nick Powell is the latest excellent signing being made by Leicester - only on loan, when they really should be trying to take advantage of all the Falco nonsense by securing a permanent deal on the sly. 21.31 If I met "the dreamers", "the have a go heroes", "the betting men" from the "Ladbrokes Life" advert I'd set them all alight and watch them burn. And I'd be the one they locked up as a wrong 'en. Cameron's broken Britain. 21.25 And now, relaxing in a gentleman's way, Jim White has taken to a sofa set, with Rene Meulensteen, who worked with Alex Ferguson for a while, and is therefore a font of knowledge. It should be said, usually we have entertaining eejits like Dave Bassett, or reasonably outspoken, intelligent chaps like Darragh MacAnthony on by now. This guest list is a grave disappointment. It's Jim White bellowing, and Neil Lennon pitching for jobs. White pats Meulensteen on the leg, turns to the camera and says: "He ish my partner, and alsho my lover." 21.23 It's all going off at Hull. Gaston Ramirez signs on a season long loan from Southampton. Hatem Ben Arfa is almost done as well. "Fucked her right in the pussy," yells a passing well wisher. Meanwhile, the chicken at Arsenal has been moved inside. 21.20 I can't believe we're just 100 minutes away from the deadline and there's been no sign of The Boy Crouchy yet. 21.19 21.12 If Lurch from the Addams Family had a child with Gillian McKeith, recoiled at how hideous it was, and abandoned it on the doorstep of a local pub, to be raised by the alcoholic regulars as one of their own, then it would be the lobotomised gibbon currently wandering aimlessly around the reporter at West Ham, gurning into the camera, and interrupting the report every now and again to gawp "SAM OUT". The missing link is out there, at Upton Park, sweating and scratching itself. 21.08 Jim White's backhanded insults: "Danny Welbeck has ability, he could do it at Arsenal, if you know that Alan, anybody does." Alan Smith looks non-plussed and burbles something in brummy. 21.05 "Earlier tonight we heard this was nonsense. No deal. Never happening. Now, apparently, it's on," says Jim White, you're tremendously well-connected Sky reporter. They've got as much clue as you and I this lot, but they speak into the camera, and we sit on the other side. 21.00 Headlines. Danny Welbeck looks like he's going to Arsenal. Daley Blind has signed for Man Utd. Mark Falco is about to sign for Man Utd. Lewis Holtby has gone to Hamburg. Sebastien Coates has gone from Liverpool to Sunderland. QPR on the cusp of bringing in Sandro from Spurs, and Niko Kranjcar from the sweet shop. Deals for Lassana Diarra and Fabio Borini appear to have fallen over. Watch out for Jermain Defoe. Tom Cleverly, believe it or not, is pricing himself out of moves to Villa, Everton and anywhere other than Man Utd reserves. In other news, a Sky reporter has been attacked in the ear at Everton by a purple dildo. 20.52 With Cookes Pie and Mash apparently surrendering to the inevitable onset of development, QPR are going to struggle to feed Niko Kranjcar, Adel Taarabt and Richard Dunne all at once. This could seriously trouble their Financial Fair Play book balancing. Aston Villa pull out of a deal to sign Tom Cleverley because he's asking for too much money. Is Tom Cleverley actually serious? 20.50 Morgan Amalfitano heading to join Big Fat Sam's Big Fat Brand of Entertaining Football at West Ham. 20.48 20.43 Zeki Fryers confirmed from Spurs to Palace on a three year deal. Arsenal in for Danny Welbeck, and Klaas Jan-Huntelaar allegedly. Too good to check. 20.42 20.38 Hull in for Hatem Ben Arfa as the chavs feast on pizza and Lucozade. They'll be on the ceiling by 23.00. 20.37 Once again, showing how well connected he is, SSNHQ's toothless wonder reports that Niko Kranjcar's arrival at Loftus Road is "totally unexpected". Anyway, he's here, he's signing, top top player, lovely fella. 20.32 Possibly the highlight of that glorious moment, is the face of the kid in the background. "What's that dad?"... #transferdildoday 20.31 Yes, indeed, somebody has not only taken the trouble to go down to the Everton training ground to stand behind the reporter making a tit of himself, but he's also taken his wife's/mum's rampant rabbit with him. What a fella.
20.29 News on a purple dildo being thrust into the ear of a Sky reporter at Everton to follow imminently. 20.24 Aquafresh bills the collapse of Fabio Borini's move to QPR as "bad news". It brings wild cheers from the newsroom here at LFW's base in Earlsfield. Chairman Tony Fernandes says: "I'm not confident that one will happen. Agents have players have expectations and we're not going to be stupid about what we do." Jermain Defoe in talks, Toronto playing hardball, will happen in January if not now. 20.21 Getting out of hand down at Arsenal, where the Finsbury Park locals are massing behind the reporter, easing him into the camera, stealing his remote microphone, thrusting their ludicrous haircuts into the camera lens. More than two hours to go, that one is getting out of hand as darkness draws. 20.20 Sky, now reduced to interviewing each other. Kate speaks to Bryan Swanson about how busy he's been today. In a tour of the newsroom, not a single person is on the phone. And why would they be? Just steal stuff from the "social desk" and report it as fact. 20.18 20.14 We break away from the news to hear what former England cricket captain Michael Vaughan, former Norwich utility voice Dion Dublin, and former beach flasher Don Hutchinson think on the Twitter. Still, no clarification on why we should care. 20.11 Nothing new from Sensodyne at Loftus Road, but a growing collection of the White City's finest behind him, including a man in a bright yellow morph suit who should either have grown a bigger penis, or padded it out. He's struggling badly there. Confident though. 20.06 Jim now walking across the studio while talking, like in the West Wing, except when he gets there he finds only Neil Lennon and Alan Smith. Who is in charge of booking these guests? Earlier today, an #askJimWhite hashtag went predictably. 20.03 "Surely United fans must be delighted with this?" Asks Jim. "They are delighted, Jim. And stop calling my Surely," replies Manchester drone. 20.00 Headlines, Daley Blind signs for Manchester United. On the cards for ages, few people care. Now, back to Mark Falco. 19.58 Ok, here we go then, the moment we've all been told repeatedly we're all waiting for. It's Jim White, a man whose reputation seems to be entirely based around yelling enthusiastically into the camera, and one sole occasion when Harry Redknapp rang him to say he was loaning Roy Keane to Celtic. Some people call it "Jim White Day", but then some people watch Coronation Street, some people mess with kids, some people have Manchester United season tickets - there's no accounting for taste. 19.42 "He only does his business inside the box," says Guillem Balague. That one is also sexual. 19.40 Len Goodman and Kevin Phillips going to a play off at the Peter Alliss Golf Day. Poor light means this may not finish tonight. We'll return tomorrow to play 1-2-17-18 if necessary. 19.29 "Any other business in Scotland apart from at Celtic?" asks Krusty. The people who care about that can be kept in a Tupperware box of similar size to the one where Harry Redknapp keeps his fucks about the League Cup. 19.27 Straight to Alan 'Pards' Pardew with an update at Newcastle. "Yeh, I've got an update for you, smell my fingers..." In other news, this kid would have been beaten like a Chipperfield Monkey if he's been walking around Hull looking like this back in the Third Division days. Soft lad. 19.24 "Bit of bad news..." says the man at Palace. I'll say. This scene ends with a mugging. It's getting dark, the London reporters are in trouble. Why is there always somebody at Arsenal with a potato? 19.18 'Arry speaks! "Sandro's nearly done I think, the chairman is working on that. Borini's alright, you know, nice lad, loves his mum, we're working on that. Not a pedophile, not a rapist, not a murderer." In other news, this fella at Stoke. He's been there all day, same pose, unmoved. I know a talented pilot who could land a light aircraft on that forehead. 19.11 People behind the reporter at Aston Villa in full on Atletico kits, with suitcases, are doing the Macarena. Somebody, somewhere, has decided to dress up in a full on Spanish kit, and go to the Aston Villa training ground to be on the television. 19.07 "Over to Leicester now, Rob what do you have for us?" "Herpes." 19.05 "Danny Welbeck coming into Arsenal." Giggity. Meanwhile, have QPR stuffed that brown envelope sufficiently to get the Lassana Diarra deal back on? In the background at Arsenal, a local youth is waving a potato in the air. There really is nothing else to do around here. 19.00 Sky Sports News HQ is trending on Twitter. This is genuinely their headline at 19.00 Save us now Harry. Sign somebody. 18.57 Just as things were threatening to die on their arse, @alanaimps1984 enters the fray. Fulham trying to sign Matt Smith from Leeds now as well. So things are picking up, on what was fast becoming Radamel Falcao day. Headlines at 19.00 coming up, but don't expect anything worthy of Kate Adie. 18.53 The chavs at Hull are delighted. Mo Diame signs from West Ham. 18.49 "This is accepting convention, this is learning to achieve, this is De Montfort University." 18.45 Mark Falco arrives at Manchester United in a Mercedes. Bet Chrysler are delighted with that sponsorship deal. 18.36 Jesus, Sky Sports News HQ is going to cock here. We now welcome well know, articulate, finger-on-the-pulse football man James Beattie, currently manager of Accrington Stanley. Why? Who knows. He starts by discussing a deal he's done with Bury for a new striker but is promptly interrupted and forced to talk about Falcao. Why James Beattie is an expert on Manchester United, or Falcao, or anything really, isn't clear. On three separate occasions he insists on calling Louis Van Gaal, a man he's never met and has nothing to do with, Mr Van Gaal. This is so dreadful now it's actually bizarre. 18.32 An actual deal. Sebastien Coates, of Loftus Road scissor kick fame, has left Liverpool for Sunderland on loan. 18.29 "MANCHESTER UNITED FANS... HERE HE IS... RADAMEL FALCOA" says our SSNHQ nobody, before cutting to archive footage of Falcoa training with Monaco. Yes, thanks for that, we know what he looks like. 18.20 Dan, Dan, Dan... Dan.... He hasn't heard me. Dan... Dan... 18.18 In a poll of the hysterical, uneducated masses on SSNHQ, 54% say Mark Falco is not what Manchester United need. They also think all pediatricians should be aggressively hounded out of their homes. 18.12 Danny Welbeck now having a medical at Arsenal, we're told. "Arsene Wenger said he wouldn't panic buy, said he'd wait for the right man to come along," says the drone at the Emirates, presumably forgetting that he's talking about Danny Welbeck. Back in the studio, Krusty turns to Guillem Balague and says "we didn't think he was going there, we thought he was going to Spurs." A brief, glorious insight into just how little this lot actually know about anything that's currently taking place. Unless some fool leans out of a car window, or posts it on The Twitter, they haven't got a Scooby Doo. 18.10 Breaking news, Harry Redknapp has left the training ground, and refused to stop for Sky. Aquafresh left to literally chase him down the road yelling "Harry... Harry... HARRY. I never said you were a whealer dealer come on.." But 'Arry is 'aving none of it and he's away down the road. Window remains up. 18.00 "And what a day it's been..." says Krusty. Yes, that move for James McArthur to Palace, which still isn't confirmed, has been moistening us up for six hours now. Literally nothing else has happened. Here's an actual deal for you. You won't hear about it, because it's not from a club "that matters" but Bournemouth have continued their impressive summer with a three year deal for Andrew Surman from Norwich. 17.55 Once again, we're predicting the downfall of Arsenal, a club that despite being panned every week on deadline day, have made the Champions League for the last 17 years straight. Christian Purslow says it's Arsenal vulnerable to Manchester United's, and Louis Van Gaal's, inevitable ascent to glory. Because, as we know, it's the signing of players that counts, not the actual games. In unrelated news, United still have no wing backs for their wing backs formation, and continue to field inadequate centre halves. Details, mere details. 17.53 Micah Richards goes to Fiorentina. One can only assume that his wages rule realistic Premier League destinations out, but he seems like a terrific target for clubs like QPR, West Ham, Southampton, Sunderland, Newcastle etc being allowed to drift away. 17.50 The world's fattest child has moved in next to the reporter at Palace, panicking the air traffic controllers at Gatwick. He allows the Sky drone to get two thirds of the way through his report before wrestling him to the ground and feasting on the goo within. 17.43 Having missed his earlier chance to grab 'Arry through a car window, Crest is now resorting to gimmicks to pass the time. He's got hold of some referee spray and he's marching the residents of the Feltham Young Offenders' Institute back a full five yards before delivering his report which is... I know as little as I did before. Possibly even less. 17.39 Kirstie Gallacher can't find the right camera. When she does, she passes down to Spurs training ground. "Good evening Krusty," says the remote drone. No sex for you. 17.33 And if you can find them... 17.29 17.25 We can report that with five hours and 35 minutes of the window left, and despite manning the "great foreign phone deals" stands at railway stations across London all day and offering him to passers by, as well as offering glue factories money to take him from us, still not a sniff of interest in Shaun Wright-Phillips. 17.16 "Gus Poyet will be here, working to the dying embers of the transfer window, doing his best to bring players in.... He's just left..." 17.13 That weirdo in the sleeping bag at Southampton remains. Reading's Royston Drenthe going to Sheffield Wednesday on loan. 17.11 Valuable, vital input at the “social media desk”. Rio Ferdinand says Falcao is a “great player” on the Twitter. On Instagram, there’s a picture of Javier Hernandez having a medical at Real Madrid. 17.08 Lovely Lewis Holtby makes season long loan move to Hamburg - gutting. If QPR are hoovering up Spurs players, he would have been ideal. 17.04 Sky rather scraping around for guests, now offering us Christian Purslow. 17.03 Toby Belshaw has sent us a telegram which reads... "Just seen Warren Cummings outside the Vietnamese cafe in Surbiton, 17.00 Shit. Headlines on the hour. Basically exactly the same as they were at 16.00, but with added Kirsty Gallacher in figure hugging red dress. Richard Keys said: "I'd smash it." #banter. 16.52 16.45 Ah, good, here comes Mark Falco. 16.44 Jesus, if we don't get some actual deals soon we're going to spend the rest of the day watching George Boyd sweeping the hair from his eyes in the Burnley car park, and Shane Duffy dragging his lower lip along the ground and drooling at the Blackburn training ground on a loop. Somebody do something. 16.40 Felix Magath earlier today... 16.39 Still, could be worse... Fulham enter talks with Bolton for striker Jermaine Beckford. Judging by their deal for Ross McCormack, they've agreed to pay £15m after Bolton initially asked for £4.5m. 16.36 Here's some numbers for you, if you're somebody going without sexual intercourse. Fabio Borini scored ten goals in 29 starts and 11 sub appearances for Sunderland last season. His Liverpool record is two goals in ten starts and ten sub appearances. Nine goals in 20 starts and four sub outings at Roma. 16.34 "There will be dark days..." It's an advert for Cancer Research, but they're not wrong. Here comes Fabio Borini. 16.32 "If you're nervous, unsure, or just confused, please call..." It's an advert for PPI insurance, but we're going to chance our arm and give them a call anyway. 16.25 A missed putt at the 15th leaves Kevin Phillips tied for the lead with Len Goodman at the Peter Alliss Golf Day. 16.20 More wandering round the studios, as the padding continues - six hours still to go. No change at QPR - currently trying to overpay for Fabio Borini, and trying to squeeze Sandro's obliterated knee through a medical. 16.11 16.08 "Rooney, Van Persie, Di Maria, Falcao, it's almost a galacticos collection there now," says Jamie. Now for an actual win. You know, in the football games. The games? You know, the matches? A win, some points? I'm wasted here today. More blood. 16.06 And just when you thought it couldn't get any more irrelevant and inane, here comes Jamie Redknapp. He opens with "I got up this morning and turned on Sky Sports News..." I think you'll find it's Sky Sports News HQ now Jamie. 16.03 "Let's hear more about this move for Falcoa from Real to Man Utd..." And here's where Sky, and the rest of the media trip themselves up. They've reported that Radamel Falcoa is going from Monaco to Real Madrid so often, even though it's not true, that they now believe, and are reporting, that it's already happened, and Real Madrid are already selling him. Earlier today the Star, Express and Mail all reported a £3.75m move for Will Keane to QPR from Man Utd, even though it was completely made up by a spoof Twitter account. It's a shambles this day, a disgrace to the journalism industry. 16.00 So, headlines. Here's what's actually happened. Burnley have signed George Boyd from Hull permanently, and Nathan Chalobah from Chelsea on loan. Leicester are selling Chris Wood to Crystal Palace, who have also pinched Wigan's James McArthur from under their noses. QPR have lost out on Lassan Diarra, are attempting to snatch Liverpool striker Fabio Borini from Sunderland, and are chatting to Sandro at Spurs. Wilson Palacios and Tom Cleverley also mentioned - we're about three hours away from a move for Scott 'Scotty' Parker and four hours away from the inevitable landing of Peter 'The Boy Crouchy' Crouch. 15.57 Full round up of actual news to come on the hour after the latest from Stoke.
15.52 Arm and Hammer reports QPR have agreed a £10m fee for Fabio Borini with Liverpool. Moving to the strong liquor. 15.51 "Expect the unexpected on deadline day, and that's certainly the case at Stoke City," says the unfortunate drone seconded to that part of the world this afternoon. Google translate that as "not a single clue what's going on, here's two minutes of wild speculation and names." 15.50 Actual news - Nathaniel Chalobah's latest loan departure from Chelsea is to Burnley. 15.44 A woman with a wild and dangerous opinion of her own offers us the latest from Swansea, where the locals are less brave than their English compatriots and settle for walking through the picture from left to right en masse without saying anything and then, when the report overruns, repeating it from right to left. 15.38 Diarra deal still alive. 15.30 An unusually good looking, ambitious, talented, signing being made at Aston Villa - Real Sociedad's Sergio Canasales. Much more on Villa's patch is Tom Cleverley, who the goon outside their training ground describes as "exciting Manchester United midfielder" and goes on to say he's been on everybody's lips this morning. Filth. 15.29 The "race for the Leeds job" is actually a kind of reverse thing, where people are actively trying to move themselves as far away from that vacant position as possible - metaphorically and literally. Simon Grayson is boarding a ferry at Calais. 15.25 QPR's aggressive, full speed, blind landing into a 22.50 purchase of Scott Parker continues apace: Diarra deal off, now being linked with Tom Cleverley. 15.15 Talking about Scottish football again. The reporter feels the need to add that the deadline in Scotland is also 23.00. Firstly, nobody cares. Secondly, of course it is, you're not independent yet. Get that dog out of my sight. And that's Crufts. 15.07 Darmeshth Shthethsh on the obscene levels of spending in the transfer window, which are certainly not a good thing however Sky paints it. "This year's totaliser is telling last year's totaliser to talk to the hand. It aint listening." A professional broadcaster. 15.05 News from the parishes... 15.03 And, of course, no surprise to see England manager Sven Goran Eriksson in the crowd. 15.00 Headlines then. QPR's deal to sign Lassana Diarra has apparently fallen apart after Lokomotiv Moscow started upping their demands. That makes the deal to sign Sandro from Spurs more likely, one would think, with no sources whatsoever, which doesn't really matter today - too good to check. Rangers also being linked with Fabio Borini (dear God no) and Jermain Defoe. Still no sign of "The Boy Crouchy" but can only be a matter of time now. Elsewhere... James McArthur, Wigan to Palace for £7m; Nick Powell, Man Utd to Leicester on loan; Mark Falco going to Man Utd on loan. 14.57 "Wewll what can I do? Tried to get the boy Lassana in here, who is a top, top footballer, but that didn't happen. We couldn't get Sandro. Scotty is a fentastic professional." 14.56 Get that bloody Sandro deal over the line, otherwise we're only about two hours away from a late move for Scott 'Scotty' Parker. Anyway, some proper headlines not involving Mark Falco to follow at 15.00. 14.52 Aquafresh at the Harlington training ground says the Lassana Diarra deal has fallen over after previous club Lokomotiv Moscow got all up in QPR's grill. 14.51 In other news, that Airwaves advert with the woman and the snakes. Retweet if you still would. 14.50 The League Managers' Association has taken a break from the "friendly banter" to say that no compensation agreement has been reached between Leeds and sacked manager Dave Hockaday. Leeds have put out a release saying that a fee of £10,000 has been agreed and Hockaday should "fuck off". 14.45 Over at Villa, they're still doing that trick with the drawn curtains and phone off the hook as they try and hold onto Concrete Ron Vlaar. Kareem Abdul Jabbar is, however, leaving for Feyenoord. Villa another club, bizarrely, chasing Tom Cleverly. 14.40 14.34 All manner of randomness coming out of Southampton. Saphir Taider, who signed on loan from Inter Milan as part of the deal to take Dani Osvaldo to the San Siro, has been taken back with a receipt. Saints say he "failed to live up to the standards and work ethic required of a Southampton player." Safe to say they won't be in for Taarabt then. This report is interrupted by a white van pulling up behind the reporter and yelling abuse, and a local youth trying to ride a bicycle while wearing a sleeping bag coming to a predictably sticky, face-first end. 14.30 Stoke apparently in for Scott Sinclair. He'll no doubt go, play well, get to the cusp of an England call up, take the first big money offer he gets from one of the "clubs that matter" and disappear back into reserve team football for two years all over again. Still, I'm sure his grandchildren will enjoy their inheritance a good deal more than any stories he might have had for them about actually playing some football and winning some medals. Scrub. 14.26 "Let's cross now to Alan Irvine, live at the Everton training ground." Hopefully, for the sake of West Brom, not the Alan Irvine... It's not, it's a standard Sky drone. Although, probably wouldn't do a much worse job as the West Brom manager given the chance. Tom Cleverly going to Everton apparently. Fentastic player. They'll be delighted with that. 14.22 Done Deal - Brentford's impressive midfielder Adam Forshaw completes his protracted move to Wigan on a four year deal. Undisclosed fee as ever. We hear it's £23m. 14.15 Here's some left wing breaking news. The CPS are moving ahead with a fraud charge against Delroy Facey, allegations of match fixing. One wonders whether anybody would actually notice if Delroy Facey was deliberately playing badly? Maybe that was the point. "A plan as cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University." 14.12 Gary Dental trying to obstruct 'Arry's path from the training ground looking for info through the car window. Redknapp having none of it. 14.10 And now we're reading out Tweets from Michael Duberry. 14.09 Leicester interested in Manchester United forward Tom Lawrence on loan. He's far too obscure for the man at the gates of the Foxes' training ground to research during portions of cake, so he tells us he's "about 20 years old" which encompasses all ages between 17 and 25. According to t'internet there are only two Tom Lawrences in the world - Manchester United youth team striker, and Lawrence of Arabia. 14.06 Once again, second hour in a row, QPR reporter says Lennon definitely not coming, Tottenham reporter says he definitely is. Keep throwing that shit at the walls by. 14.03 "It's not something they're denying..." essentially means you're free to say what you like. Toothy says Jermain Defoe, Fabio Borini, Sandro, Kranjcar all likely. Wild speculation about Taarabt going to Palace but "nothing firm" which essentially means he's noticed that the only manager who could tolerate Taarabt has pitched up at Selhurst Park. "And what about Rafael van der Vaart..." he says before saying that QPR aren't interested and never have been. This is somebody with time to fill and nothing to fill it with. 14.00 As suspected... So, news that might actually interest you, James McArthur goes to Palace from Wigan for £7m, spurning a move to Leicester. Leicester are looking to loan in Nick Powell from Man Utd, and sell striker Chris Wood to Palace. QPR close to confirming Sandro from Spurs. Kevin Phillips' eagle at the sixth moves him to three under par at the Peter Alliss Golf Day. 13.57 News reaching us that QPR are close to a deal for Roberto Baggio. 13.55 I would say stay tuned for headlines on the hour, coming your way in five minutes. I suspect it's going to amount to little more than a public fellating of Louis Van Gaal as he prepares to snare Mark Falco on loan. If that is the case, we'll put together some headlines for you from the "clubs that don't matter". Nine hours left anyway. 13.53 A lone man with a lumberjack beard stands behind our West Ham reporter. West Ham are selling Diame, and have been knocked back for everybody they're trying to buy. Big Fat Sam's Big Fat Brand of Entertaining Football starting to wobble. 13.50 No caption required. 13.40 Still keen to get involved with this boom in "user generated content" and we're looking for your dogs doing impressions of Harry Redknapp. 13.35 Here's a fax from reader Helen - a woman with a wild and dangerous opinion of her own - who says... "My Mum's cousin's best friend's chiropodist lives near Harlington and has just seen Remy arriving in tears asking if he can come back. One day's training with John Terry more than enough. He realises he has made a mistake. Fact." Congratulations for finishing your output with "fact" Helen - as any message board regular knows, that makes whatever you've just said true. 13.33 QPR on the cusp of confirming the Sandro deal. Leicester striker Chris Wood heading to Crystal Palace, bid submitted. Local scum massing at the gates of the Newcastle training ground. 13.27 Real transfer news alert. Sky Sources (could mean some chancer on The Twitter) say that Hull City have had a bid accepted for West Ham midfielder Mo Diame who was said to be interesting QPR. Steve Bruce has taken a break from his hectic wedding attendance schedule and is pictured relaxing on a park bench with a phone glued to his ear. 13.20 Now, you may remember from 'Arry's pre-match knees up with Bondy Bond on piano that the QPR boss was gutted to find that deadline day had landed on Monday September 1 this year because it prevented him from playing in Peter Alliss' golf day. Details reaching us from our roving reporter @alansimps1984 of the guest list for that event, which offers free parking, and 'Arry has been replaced by Matt Le Tissier, snooker legend Willie Thorne, and TV's own Jim Bowen.
13.17 Mr Colgate outside the QPR training ground has little to add. "Jermain Defoe would be romantic"... scented candles at the ready. The QPR staff taking it in turns to drive past and make up the names of players allegedly inside the training ground discussing terms. 13.15 Ok, suspend cynicism, here's some actual news. James McArthur, from Wigan, arrives at Crystal Palace ahead of a £7m move. A move to Leicester fell over last week and the Eagles have swooped in (sorry). Decent signing that one, Neil Warnock no doubt hoping for a similar success story to his former Hamilton and Wigan team mate James McCarthy who moved to Everton last deadline day and went great guns last season. Palace best hope Leicester aren't too sore about all this, because they're also trying to sign New Zealand striker Chris Wood from them. 13.10 Arsene Wenger is in Rome refereeing a charity football match. In the interests of maintaining interest through to 23.00, the Sky man seconded to the Emirates Stadium informs us that the Arsenal manager does, however, "have a mobile telephone" so deals could still be done. Wonders of the modern world. 13.05 The Daily Mail the latest paper to pick up the spoof Will Keane story and run with it. See, we weren't kidding when we said they don't check this stuff. "Just to clear up some confusion from earlier. The Queen is not dead, it was a humorous introduction into a song that was taken rather too seriously by a number of listeners, and a newspaper. So just to confirm, Queen Elizabeth II is not dead, unless she went in the night and is yet to be discovered by one of the maids." 13.00 Ten hours to go. Headlines on the hour are Rademel Falcao, Radamel Falcao, Rademal Falcao, and Louis Van Gaal being confirmed into sainthood. All that's left now is an actual, real victory. 12.55 Sky want to know what we're doing on deadline day. They haven't explained why. Here come some Tweets from people you don't care about, telling us what they're doing while watching the television. It's like Gogglebox without the funny drunk couple from the bed and breakfast. Mind you, the Standard never explain why we need to know what Cara Delevigne is doing every minute of every day either. Maybe I'm just out of touch, but unless she stumbles drunkenly into a vat of her own liquidised faeces I really couldn't give much of a toss. Anyway, nearly 13.00 now, funny story... ha ha .... ha ha..... funny story.... ha........ news. 12.52 As we come up to the headlines on the hour, behold the standard of reporting on transfer deadline day from Duncan Wright, head of online sport for the Star and the Express, who picked up a Tweet from the spoof Dave McIntyre account about QPR bidding £3.75m for Man Utd striker Will Keane, and reported it immediately as fact, while also getting his position wrong. Well played Duncan. Well played. 12.47 Christ we've nearly made it through an hour already. So far, 43 minutes of chat about Falcao, and two ad breaks. Coming up later, what does Connor Wickham make of all this on social media? Breaking news coming out of Arsenal. 12.41 Jamie Carragher being asked to comment on Manchester United. Coming up later, Kevin Gallen's opinions on Chelsea. In the meantime... 12.36 First sighting of a potential QPR transfer target comes from roving LFW reporter @alansimps1984 who tells us... "Niko Kranjcar spotted at Bridgewater services in the queue for the West Cornwall Pasty Co trailer. No more steak and stilton for at least five minutes, but they have lamb and minted pea available now. He's said he'll wait." More on this as it develops. 12.29 Right on cue, some nonsense and bigotry from Celtic, a club that has already been eliminated from Europe twice this season, but somehow remain in Europe. While they're babbling on about the Catholic Church, here's a fax from Grant Doughty. 12.28 Please do keep your pictures of dogs in cars that look like Harry Redknapp coming to us. We're going to use them to entertain ourselves while the telebox talks about Scottish football. 12.24 In front of a mixing desk with two technicians enjoying a cup of tea and a biscuit we're informed that "this area is busy on a normal day, but today it's gone into HYPERSPACE." 12.20 So while you take in the "news" that Sky have reported that Aaron Lennon is definitely heading to QPR, and definitely isn't, within the same quarter of an hour of television, we're heading to Crystal Palace where it's raining. "But more importantly than that..." More important than the rain? Don't tell the Daily Express. The report is interrupted by a large stuffed lobster wandering into shot. "What on earth is that?" says our studio drone, before swiftly being yelled at in his ear by a irate producer pointing out that it's promoting rival website Sport Lobster. "Oh. Oh. It doesn't matter. It's only a mascot," he stammers, before going for an early break. It's an eight foot stuffed lobster man, you can't ignore it just because it's not your eight foot stuffed lobster. 12.14 Toothy McTooth says QPR are in for Liverpool striker Fabio Borini on loan, potentially scuppering a move to Sunderland. Sunderland seem to be the big winners in that. And Liverpool. Jermain Defoe and Sandro strong possibilities. No interest in Aaron Lennon. "Not really anything by way of any actual news. We had some lovely chicken soup from the chef here. Lovely big chunks of chicken. No big chunks of news though," says Toothy Gaz. Don't worry about the mule being dead Gary, just keep loading the wagon. 12.09 Danny Welbeck to Spurs perhaps. Half a dozen chavs without a full set of teeth between them surround the SSN monkey to find out. Sandro and Aaron Lennon to QPR is a "distinct possibility." Speaking of teeth, pray silence please for Gary Cotterill outside the Harlington Training Ground... 12.00 Headline with 11 hours to go, is Radamel Falcoa moving to Manchester United on loan. Coverage of that is interrupted by the vitally important views of Phil Neville and Keith Gillespie via the Twitter. Keith Gillespie says "Falcoa. Wow." Thanks for that Keith, pubs should be open soon mate don't worry. Maybe rattle the doors a bit? Now it's off to the car park at Manchester City to hear whether they were ever in for Falcoa. They weren't "according to a source within the club" which we strongly suspect is actually the large Phil Mitchell look-a-like in the car park entrance booth past which our Sky reporter has not been allowed to venture. 11.59 Ok then, against my better judgement, and the advice of the lawyers. Here we go again.
Scene Setter: So, as you may have gathered, there are about half a million things I’d rather do with my Monday than spend 11 hours watching Sky Sports News HQ (they’ve rebadged it you fool) - taking a contract cleaning job on an Ebola ward, for instance. This channel always was fairly insufferable. Operating, first and foremost, under a policy of ‘throw enough shit at the wall’ while encouraging the lowest common football denominators to whom it apparently appeals the most to gamble their hard earned on which bits of it might accidentally be true via its associated Sky Bet service. By way of character reference, they trot out a story about Harry Redknapp ringing up Jim White to tell him that Robbie Keane had gone on loan to Celtic. Now, it’s gone beyond even that. Rebranded and rebadged, it’s now a self-absorbed farce. If it were a person, SSNHQ would be the teenager who spends hours at a time alone in his room trying to position his body in just such a way to make it possible to suck his own penis. Jim White, we’re told, is some sort of celebrity. Transfer Deadline Day is, we’re told, one of the most exciting days in the football year. That sort of talk used to be reserved for cup finals and play-offs, but now the matches are almost secondary to the sideshow that goes on around them. Last week Milton Keynes Dons beat Manchester United 4-0 in the League Cup, and yet Sky led with a story that everybody already knew about United signing Angel Di Maria, laboriously reading out his generic press released statements, in flawless English, before actually showing us some actual goals from an actual football match. It’s a vile beast, and the addition of the Sky Bet service encouraging people to gamble on whether the stories they’re trotting out are true or not, is appalling. But those all day drinking sessions in the Crown and Sceptre, and speeding tickets on the way back from midweek cup ties at Burton Albion, don’t pay for themselves, and so to the Fans’ Network lawyer’s disgust and concern, we’re back for a third year. As usual, we’re viewing this as group therapy for the sane and cynical. Come and hide on here with us, we’ll help each other through it. Contact details at the top of the page. Hit refresh for updates. Hold me. Photo: Action Images Please report offensive, libellous or inappropriate posts by using the links provided.
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first spill of my tea of the day. 
