All the information that the average Manchester United Fan will need for their trip to St Mary's on Sunday

Usually on this site we do a guide for Saints supporters visiting our opponents for away games, as its the end of the season we thought we would extend a cordial welcome to our United supporting friends, as we haven't done this for any other team let's refer to them as the Chosen Ones.

Getting to Southampton.

This is perhaps the easiest away trip of the season for the bulk of the United support ie the "Sancs" ( Southern born United fans) its straight down the M3 and barely an hour.

If you are coming by train then Southampton Central is the nearest station to the ground and its on the main line from Waterloo.

Parking

If you are coming by the most popular method a regionally based supporters club Bandwagon then these will be parked in Brittania Road by the stadium, you will find that it wont be so crowded as in previous years as the bandwagons will not be as full as they have been in the last 22 years, with many people having jumped off around October time last year.

The Ground

St Mary's is a compact ground but despite being less than half the size of Old Trafford, you will still have a bigger allocation than you give visiting supporters at your ground, how does that work ?

Visiting Team Facilities

Due to your recent problems we have taken the liberty of removing several of the seats in the away team dug out and replacing them with a merry go round in case you want to change managers half way through the game, Ryan Giggs may want to note that the Amsterdam flight gets in to Southampton airport at 2.45pm and its a 25 minute taxi ride from the airport to the ground.

We are also providing extra storage space in the visitors dressing room so that you can bring an extra kit with you, we know how useful you have found that in previous visits to our fair city.

Near to the stadium is Derby Road which was traditionally the red light area of the city in the past, a local brothel in conjunction with Saga and Age Concern will provide a courtesy car should one of your players wish to avail themselves of this facility.

Local Customs

In Southampton we practice an ancient ritual called manners, this means we treat the opposition supporters with something called "Respect" ( Look it up) we are aware of your teams history and past and acknowledge it, perhaps you would like to break with your local custom of thinking that only one football team exists in the whole World and you will then realise that there is something more in life than choosing a team because of the number of trophies it wins.

Local Shops

Sports Direct and JD Sports both have outlets in the City should you choose not to get on to your bandwagon to go home and wish to purchase a Liverpool/Arsenal/Chelsea/Man City shirt for next season.

There is also a branch of Thomas Cook, however its planning to close early as it doesn't anticipate a stampede of United fans wanting to book foreign travel for next season, however they have passed on your e mail details to the tourist boards of Newport, Cheltenham, Wycombe & Portsmouth as there is a good chance you could be drawn away to those teams in the 2nd Round of the Capital One Cup, a tournament that you will be surprised to learn doesn't start at the quarter final stage.

Eating Drinking Etc

We have a quaint local custom down here called plates and stainless steel knives and forks, for those of you travelling from the North, by that I mean North of Stoke not North of the M25, we use these things that you may hear referred to as cutlery rather than the more traditional Northern method of polystyrene tray and plastic fork. The fork is always held in the left hand would be a good tip to remember.

Some of you may now wish to sit down before you read on, you will be pleased to hear we do have chip shops and yes they do serve pies, however they do not serve gravy or mushy peas and if you do want to eat out, then they will come wrapped in paper and not in aforementioned polystyrene tray.

Bisto however have provided the St John's ambulance people with gravy tablets, so that if any of your gravy pea blood levels should get dangerously low they can administer these and restore them back to your normal levels, if you should find yourself feeling weak in the ground through lack of gravy, don't panic get someone to call the nearest steward who will help you to the first aid post.

You will also find our pubs are very different to yours, almost continental in their feel rather than the average Salford boozer, which cam make a visitor feel he has been transported back to some sort of Coronation Street theme park.

Bitter is available but in the main it is strong Lager, this will make some of you feel light headed being used to the 3.6% gravity northern drinks, but the Bar staff will do their best to help as long as you don't keep referring to them as "Love" even when they are male and ask if the bar has a snug.

So to summarise

1. Dont keep singing silly songs about Giggs tearing us apart, the only thing he has torn apart is his brothers family

2. Be polite, treat people with courtesy your not on a day trip to Blackpool

3. If you are from Surrey, don't bore us with stories about how you have supported United since before you were born and it was nothing to do with all those trophies, if you are under 30 and live in Woking there is only one reason you follow United and we all know it.

4. Humility, again you will need to look this one up it was last seen in Old Trafford in 1986, if you show humility we won't mention the 1976 FA Cup final I I have mentioned it once here but I think I have got away with it)

5. Wave a fond farewell to Ryan Giggs and remember of your last four managers including Giggs, two of them will have left the job after playing at Southampton, we did you a favour back in 1986 and to show you there is no hard feelings since, we will do the same on Sunday to start off another new era for you

Photo: Action Images

SaintlyTim added 19:45 - May 7 Excellent!
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