LFW season preview part two — the middle ground
Friday, 15th Aug 2014 01:08 by Clive Whittingham

The second part of the annual LFW season preview, which Crystal Palace have done their very best to ruin for us, features the midtable teams from last season and where they might go this…

Crystal Palace

In 140 characters or fewer… It makes you wonder if Parish's strategy is based on relegation, and nobody should be allowed to interfere with that.

Last Season: How we all laughed and doubted. There he was, old Tony Pulis, on day released from Jurassic Park once a fortnight to sit on the Goals on Sunday sofa with the other bums, lamenting the lack of opportunities for British coaches, poo-pooing (is that a verb?) the idea that possession of the football might be useful in the quest to win football matches, and trotting out the now time honoured "looking to go back in for the right opportunity" line that punctuates football's equivalent of the queue at the dole office.

Who'd want that old duffer? Pay all this money for Premier League season tickets to watch Tony Pulis order air strikes towards Kenwyne Jones? No thanks mate.

Only a team as desperate as Crystal Palace were ever going to take him on, and after one win and nine defeats from the first ten games they were certainly desperate. Ian Holloway, the man who'd sort of shoved them through the play-offs after a mediocre end to the previous Championship season, seemed to have something of a breakdown, hauling in so many players through the summer transfer window that two of them didn't end up making his 25 man squad. The series of crushing defeats to begin with had Olly all pale and morose, resigning in tears because he didn't feel up to the job any more.

Tony Pulis has famously never been releated as a manager, and even he seemed wary of putting that record on the line on a fool's errand at Selhurst Park , spending a month in negotiations before finally taking the plunge. Palace looked like last season's QPR — a lost cause, destined to trouble all the wrong kind of Premier League records.

By the end of the season the Eagles had soared (sorry) to eleventh and Pulis was the Manager of the Year. All with a team relying on Marouane Chamakh as its centre forward. The transformation was miraculous. Playing fast, direct football with wingers — rather than the hoof and hope we'd become accustomed to at Pulis' Stoke — Palace were decent to watch and dangerous to play against. They won 13 matches after Pulis took over, including five in a row through March and April with a notable success at Everton among them.

So fear not Reidy Reid, Curbs Curbishley and Miserable Bastard Dave Jones, there is life after Kammy's sofa for some. If the right opportunity comes up.

In: Fraizer Campbell, Cardiff, £600k >>> Brede Hangeland, Fulham, free >>> Martin Kelly, Liverpool, undisclosed

Out: Dean Moxey, Bolton, free >>> Aaron Wilbraham, Bristol City, free >>> Jonathan Parr, Ipswich, free >>> Osman Sow, Hearts, free >>> Jose Campana, Sampdoria, undisclosed >>> Jack Hunt, Forest, loan >>> Stephen Dobbie, Fleetwood, loan >>> Kagisho Dikgacoi, Cardiff, free >>> Neil Alexander, Hearts, free

This season: So there I was this morning, chucking things into a work bag, running late, kicking myself for not starting work on the season preview earlier, when LFW’s ubiquitous Simmo shouted after me: “Palace are signing Jack Cork for £3m.”

And so I considered bumping them up another place on our almost-certainly-bollocks Premier League prediction table. For even I, chief mocker of Tony Pulis over the years, have come round to the idea that he cannot be relegated. He’s like a cockroach — if football imploded in a nuclear disaster tomorrow, he’s all that would be left, dressed as a council estate pensioner, shouting “Go on Jon” and looking around for Jonathan Walters to respond.

I thought Palace would have a tougher season this time. They’re not very good on paper, and they haven’t added much to their arsenal this summer. Fraizer Campbell is cheap at £600,000 but Fulham tried to base their defence around the failing fitness and form of a fast declining Brede Hangeland last season and paid the price — QPR signing Steven Caulker while Hangeland went to Selhurst Park was a rare transfer market victory for the Super Hoops. Plus, fr all the talk of Selhurst Park’s magnificent, inhospitable atmosphere, 300 pimple-faced virgins with their shirts off and their arms round each other waving brightly coloured flags doth not a formidable Premier League team make. No, this morning, Palace were safe because of Pulis and Pulis alone.

Tonight, he’s left the club, apparently in a dispute over transfers. His relationship with flaxen haired chairman Steve Parish has seemed fraught right from the first minute — in fact from before the first minute, because negotiations over his deal to join the club took so long and seemed to be concluded ultimately through desperation. That relationship has only deteriorated still further since.

You have to wonder what Parish wants. What more could Pulis have done last season? Who better could they have in place? I mean, I’m a big advocate of managers not dictating the entire club policy, spending funds on short term signings to maintain their position rather than looking ahead to the future good of the club, but Pulis loves working under a budget, and loves building something long lasting over a period of time. He’s absolutely ideal for Palace. What on earth are they doing?

This looks like a catastrophe now. Just two days before the start of the new season — at Arsenal, so almost certainly a big defeat — and they have no manager, the players will no doubt be annoyed, potential signings will think twice about joining them, and prospective managers will have to be scraped off a barrel bottom. Palace scored just 33 times last season, fewer than any other non-relegated side, and there’s been little change to the attack during the close season.

Their one hope, and it’s a very realistic one considering his trusted director of football Iain Moody is in place at Selhurst, is if Malky Mackay can be tempted. If he is, they may have just enough to survive. But with Neil Lennon an early front runner, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see Palace propping the rest up come May now. All entirely of the chairman’s own making.

If they were a character from The Simpsons… Sideshow Bob — an occasional Premier League appearance, usually ending in complete disaster apparently dispelling them forever, only for them to reappear again a few years later.

‘Arry says: “Wewll who knows what’s going on there really? Tony’s a fantastic manager, did a top job. You’d have to ask the chairman.”

Bookies say: 13/5 or 9/4 fourth favourites for relegation with prices narrowing all the time.

LFW says: 20th and relegated. Having originally penned them for a lower finish and more difficult season, while still surviving, we’ve now bumped them down to dead last. That’ll all change again depending on managerial appointment no doubt. Malky Mackay and they stay up.

Newcastle

In 140 characters or fewer… “Shut your noise you silly old cunt.”

Last Season: Lunacy.

Newcastle, of course, began the season with Joe Kinnear in some kind of director of football role, which seemed to consist of him mouthing off on TalkSport while half cut about him winning the manager of the year award three times at Wimbledon (not true) and discovering Tim Krul (not true) and making a player out of Yohan Kebab (sp) (not true). What he wasn’t so good at, despite having Graeme Carr at his disposal who has developed a reputation as one of the finest chief scouts on the circuit today, was actually signing some players. So Alan ‘Pards’ Pardew had to make do with Loic Remy, and even then they only managed to drag him over the line from relegated QPR on loan.

Just as well they did. Remy scored 14 goals in 24 starts and three sub appearances for Newcastle. The Magpies won nine of the 11 games he scored goals in and only won 16 in total. Without him, the Toon Army would have been taking their shoes off on the terraces at Rotherham and Brentford this season.

In the end they finished tenth, which is startlingly high considering the long periods of time they went without victories, and the turmoil they kept embroiling themselves in. They lost 2-1 at Sunderland in the first Tyne Wear derby, and 3-0 at home in the second sending police horses scurrying for shelter across the city. They sold Cabaye right at the very end of the transfer window without adequate, or indeed any, replacement and promptly embarked on a run of ten defeats from 13 matches. One of the wins that punctuated that, a 4-1 success at Hull, was marred by Pards Pardew headbutting Hull’s David Meyler as he came to retrieve the ball for a throw in. This followed an earlier season incident where the ever-likeable Newcastle boss, with his never-ending contract and odd taste in fringes, turned round to Manuel Pelegrini — who has done nothing but antagonise and wind people up since he got here — during a match with Man City and called him an “old cunt”.

In the midst of it all Hatem Ben Arfa, who most neutrals would say is Newcastle’s best player and most sellable asset now Remy and Cabaye are no longer at St James’ Park, was ostracised from the first team.

In the end you look down the results, and the story of the season, and then you look at the league table, and start to wonder if somebody snuck a few extra points on there while nobody was looking.

In: Jack Colback, Sunderland, free >>> Ayoze, Tenerife, £1.6m >>> Siem de Jong, Ajax, £6m >>> Remy Cabella, Montepllier, undisclosed >>> Emmanuel Riviere, Monaco, £5m >>> Darryl Janmaat, Feyenoord, £5m

Out: Shola Ameobi, Gaziantep BÃ¼yÃ¼kÅŸehir Belediyespor (Turkish apparently), free >>> Dan Gosling, Bournemouth, free >>> Mathieu Debuchy, Arsenal, £12m >>> Jonathan Mitchell, Derby, free >>> James Tavernier, Wigan, free

This season: Well, no Joe Kinnear any more, which is a shame, so Newcastle have reverted to their previous type, and that’s no bad thing for regulars in The Strawberry.

That type is picking players in their early 20s up from across Europe for fees between £5m and £8m who they later sell on for double that. De Jong from Ajax in particular looks an absolute snip at £6m and an excellent pick for anybody’s Fantasy League side. Sorry, ahem, please don’t confuse me with the sort of no-life, knuckle dragging Neanderthal who watches The Fantasy Football Club on Sky Sports here. I’m firmly in the camp of people who picks a team, plays their transfer wildcard after three weeks, and has completely forgotten about the whole thing by October.

Goals are their chief problem with Remy gone, and they’ve no longer got Shola the Sunderland Slayer to bring on and win those derby games, so new comers will have to step up and fill both vancancies. They’re clearly never any more than three defeats away from the next crisis, but it was telling that Harry Redknapp twice picked them out as the team that could break into the top seven this season in his press conference this morning. Those in the game know Newcastle have, once again, bought some quality players at excellent prices.

Expect Graham Carr and the whole operation to be praised to the hilt after every win, and then the mentality and workrate of the Johnny Foreigners to be criticised by Graeme Souness and Gary Neville after every defeat. Give it no more than five weeks before somebody asks “do these players understand the mentality of football fans in the north east? Do they understand what it means to play for Newcastle against Sunderland?” or some such nonsense. Pinching Jack Colback from the Mackems on a free transfer will help with any translation issues for those two games mind.

Ultimately they’ll finish not a million miles away from where they finished last season.

If they were a character from The Simpsons… Krusty the Clown - a flawed individual, but entertaining source of farce nevertheless.

‘Arry says: “Wewll listen I wad ‘av gone to the Ukraine, they were nice people, made me a good offer, I was tempted. But Newcastle? Wewll it’s a long way back to Sarndrar after a night match there innit?”

Bookies say: Anywhere between sevens and elevens for relegation which puts them eleventh on the list. Around 1000/1 for the title which, funnily enough, puts them ninth.

LFW says: Ninth.

Southampton

In 140 characters or fewer… Let’s play Supermarket Sweep.

Last Season: When they look back on 2013/14 in years to come, will Southampton reflect on a golden era for the club, or a missed opportunity?

An obvious answer, you would think, given that the Saints finished eighth in the Premier League, with only the usual seven suspects ahead of them. They won 1-0 at Liverpool, drew at Man Utd, drew with Arsenal, drew with Man City. They looked bloody good doing it as well, and all having been in League One just three seasons previous, ascending with a team made up largely of players graduating from their academy set up.

However… Looking at where those players have moved to this summer, and for how much money, and considering how poor seventh placed Manchester United were by their standards last season, and how little Everton have to work with by comparison, should they not have done better than eighth? Will they ever have a chance to do better than eighth again?

For me the most puzzling thing was Southampton’s attitude to cup competitions. They were knocked out of both by Sunderland, while fielding weakened teams. The League Cup exit, in early November, you could perhaps excuse given the apparent detrimental impact cup runs have on league form, but by the time they went to the Stadium of Light for an FA Cup fifth round game in February they’d worked a unique position in the league where it was nearly impossible for them to catch the teams above them, or those below them to make up significant ground. They may as well have gone for the cup — you know, an actual trophy and some medals — but instead made wholesale changes and lost 1-0 to a poor Sunderland team managed by Gus Poyet who openly admitted that it was a game his team could do without. Southampton were plenty good enough to win that trophy last season. Going up the steps at Wembley to collect an actual piece of silverware, and winners’ medals, and a place in Europe. But they played a weakened side at Sunderland because of the slight chance they may get caught in eighth and drop to ninth.

And so, as the best part of a decade of hard work and team building is broken up and picked over by the ruthless vultures of the Premier League, too lazy and bone idle to grown their own talent when they can simply chuck money at a club like Southampton that put the hard yards in, the Saints fans, and perhaps those players in their quieter moments, are left to wonder what they had to show for it all. Eighth place.

In: Ryan Bertrand, Chelsea, loan >>> Shane Long, Hull, £12m >>> Dusan Tadic, Twente, £10.9m >>> Graziano Pelle, Feyenoord, £8m >>> Fraser Forster, Celtic, £10m

Out: Deep breath… Luke Shaw, Man Utd, £27m >>> Adam Lallana, Liverpool, £25m >>> Dejan Lovren, Liverpool, £20m >>> Calum Chambers, Arsenal, £16m >>> Billy Sharp, Leeds, undisclosed >>> Jonathan Forte, Oldham, free >>> Pablo Osvaldo, Inter, loan >>> Dan Fox, Forest, undisclosed >>> Rickie Lambert, Liverpool, £4m >>> Lee Barnard, Southend, free >>> Guilherme Do Prado, released

This season: The rush of big-money, big-name departures from Southampton have been the story of the summer. Manager Mauricio Pochettino has gone too, to try his luck at Spurs, and so Dutchman Ronald Koeman moves to these shores for the first time with a hell of a task on his hands.

Koeman has an impressive managerial pedigree — Ajax, Benfica, PSV, Valencia, Alkmaar, Feyenoord — if something of a mixed record.

Of all the departures, Rickie Lambert’s loss will be felt the keenest. He scored 15 league goals in Southampton’s first season back in the top flight and 13 last term and while you can talk about £4m being good money for a 32-year-old the Saints simply are not going to be able to buy 15 Premier League goals for the coming campaign for £4m. One thing we’ve seen as a trend this summer is extortionate fees being charged for forwards — Liverpool asking £14m for Fabio Borini, Ross McCormack moving for £11m from Leeds to Fulham, Troy Deeney commanding eight figures — so Lambert is a snip at his price and will be impossible to replace at that rate. Southampton have moved this week to secure Shane Long from Hull for £12m — a tremendous signing, exactly the sort of player they need, but overpriced at that and rather proving the point about present market conditions.

They may yet be forced to relinquish Morgan Schneiderlin with both North London clubs loitering around the Frenchman and the player keen to move on but there are still good players left at St Mary’s and they’ve shown this week that they’re not afraid to splash some of the cash they’ve received. The problem they may find is that teams know they’re minted and make them pay through the nose — Hull were so chuffed with the Long bid they released a striker they only bought six months ago at a time when they need to be adding players for extra European games, and Celtic laughed so hard at getting £10m for goalkeeper Fraser Forster they almost puked.

They’ll never have a better chance to make a serious impact on the top division and major cup competitions than last season, but I think reports of Southampton’s demise may be greatly exaggerated.

If they were a character from The Simpsons… Monty Burns - who needs friends, and love, and football players, when you have money? All the money.

‘Arry says: “I couldn’t have tried any ‘arder to keep them up, honest to God, but it was very, very ‘ard. Even getting the boy Crouchy in there couldn’t help. And he’s a top, top playa.”

Bookies say: Fours, fives and 9/2 for the drop, which makes nine teams more likely according to the bookies.

LFW says: Twelfth. Looked like a sure-fire relegation certainty when the exodus was in full swing, but they’ve shown willingness to reinvest so while not scaling the heights of last season they should be ok.

Stoke City

In 140 characters or fewer… Meticulous Mark and the Taffia bask in the glory afforded to them by inheriting a sound set up and well run club.

Last Season: Stoke City had become a standing joke under the management of Tony Pulis, to the extent that even their own fans would sing rugby union anthem “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” during matches in homage to their unashamedly direct style of play.

Pulis had promoted Stoke, who’d bobbed around between the second and third tier for a generation prior to that, and consolidated their position in the Premier League but that consolidation was becoming stagnation by the end of 2012/13. Stoke would bully and harangue teams out of enough points for survival every year in games played at their drafty, hill-top home in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. Arsenal would turn up once a year and get beaten, with Arsene Wenger flapping his arms around at how terribly unfair the whole thing was, and the massed home ranks enjoyed that very much. They liked following the team to its 19 away games in the league rather less, because victories on the road were about as rare as copies of the Evening Standard without Cara Delevigne’s vacuous, irrelevant mug plastered over a “news” page somewhere.

This was a machine whose most important cog — or at least the cog that Pulis used more often than not — was Jon Walters who is not especially quick, not especially good in the air, not particularly prolific in front of goal, lousy at penalties, not particularly strong defensively, slow as a bus and with an arse the size of a three-piece-suite. “Go on Jon,” Pulis would yell. Constantly. Go on Jon indeed.

It felt like the right time for club and manager to part, but then clubs in similar positions have felt like that before only to find the green looking field on the other side of the fence is infact a treacherous, deep pond with a thin covering of algae over the top. Charlton, famously, worked their way into the Premier League, consolidated in the top half, and rebuilt their entire stadium under the steady management of Alan Curbishley but after a few years of “only” finishing between eighth and twelfth the radio phone ins — at least if they’re speaking on there they’re not out among the general public — started to receive the odd call from some mouth breather uttering the dreaded “he’s taken us as far as he can” horseshit. On almost 100% of the occasions you hear that said it’s actually the case that the current manager has in fact taken the club as far as anybody is ever likely to take it ever. Charlton, of course, sacked Alan Curbishley, appointed Iain Dowie, and have been whistling through the air ever since.

When Stoke turned to Mark Hughes to replace Pulis, it looked like they might be for the same fate. Hughes was fresh from the systematic destruction of Queens Park Rangers where he’d pitched up after walking out on Fulham because they “lacked ambition” (aka wouldn’t give hima blank cheque to sign all of Kia Joorabchian’s clients) and promptly handed a clutch of spurisou coaching, scouting, youth academy and technical director roles to his mates. He’d also spent the best part of £100m on ageing, physically shot old pros who were all looking for a final pay day and didn’t give a rat’s ass how QPR did that season. He failed to win any of his first 13 games in 2012/13 and could respond to the deepening crisis only by insisting that he was preparing “meticulously” to “win Premier League football matches.”

The man, essentially, is an absolute arse.

But at QPR he inherited a situation where the training ground was a joke, the first team needed a complete overhaul, there was no scouting system to speak of and the youth team hadn’t produced a genuine first team player in a decade. It was a set up designed to expose flaws in whichever manager agreed to take it on. At Stoke, under the brilliant chairmanship of Peter Coates, and the management of Pulis, the infrastructure is settled and in place and the team was consolidated in the top flight requiring minimal surgery.

Even Hughes couldn’t bollocks it up. And he didn’t. Which is a shame.

In: Bojan, Barcelona, £3m >>> Mame Biram Diouf, Hannover, free >>> Steve Sidwell, Fulham, free >>> Phil Bardsley, Sunderland, free >>> Dionatan Teixeira, Dukla Bystrica, free

Out: Michael Kightly, Burnley, free

This season: I’ve flagged up one or two signings so far in this preview as potential breakout hits for the season — Albrighton at Leicester for free, Bafetimbi Gomis at Swansea for free, Aaron Cresswell at West Ham for £3.7m and Siem De Jong at Newcastle for £6m as well as our own Jordon Mutch — but on paper the buy of the transfer window so far is Stoke getting Bojan from Barcelona for £3m. How they’ve pulled that off, and why Hughes never managed a similar coup at QPR, God only knows. They certainly won’t have shown him much of Stoke-on-Trent that’s for sure.

Mame Biram Diouf is a decent shout as well and it’s addressed the problem of prolific goal scoring that has dogged Stoke for sometime now. Not surprisingly, Bojan has been scoring regularly in their pre-season games. Keeping him fit, and stopping him from coming to his senses, will be key to Stoke’s success this season but in a league where the top seven are miles ahead and everybody from eighth down is a relegation candidate, Stoke can almost certainly put the cue on the rack without even playing a frame.

If they were a character from The Simpsons… Groundskeeper Willie — loud and ugly to look at but notoriously hard to beat.

‘Arry says: “Listen Mark’s a triffic fella, great player, but sam of the pillocks he left me with here couldn’t find their own arse with both hands. The boy Diakite couldn’t even use a knife and fork bless him. Free year deal he gave him. And Boswingwa… Do me a fava. He’s got the boy Crouchy now though, who’s a top, top playa.”

Bookies say: 2,500/1 for the title which makes them tenth favourites. Between nines and elevens for the drop which makes 12 sides more likely.

LFW says: Eighth. Swines.

Sunderland

In 140 characters or fewer… Keep lulling….. Keep lulling…. Wait for it…. Wait… NOW. START WINNING IMMEDIATELY

Last Season: Not since Bryan Robson’s ridiculous Middlesbrough team of 1996/97 reached both domestic cup finals only to be relegated courtesy of a three point deduction for failing to fulfil a fixture at Blackburn because of a flu virus — if they’d turned up with the youth team and lost 31-0 they’d still have stayed up — have we seen a season quite like Sunderland’s 2013/14 campaign.

They began with Paolo Di Canio in charge, who built his team like the Japanese used to build their railways. Di Canio’s regime, as he liked to call it, worked as long as the footballers accepted they were not as good as him, and then agreed never to speak, text, drink, laugh, or do anything at all really apart from sleep, eat what Di Canio told them to eat, run, train and play football. Fine in the bottom two divisions where he’d succeeded with Swindon — players are ten a penny down there and once they have a contract they’re afraid to rebel for fear of not making mortgage payments. Millionaire Premier League players, not so much.

A mental summer which saw 14 signings arrive from all over the world overseen by director of football Roberto De Fanti and chief scout Valentino Angeloni quickly gave way to seven defeats and a draw from their first eight matches. Crystal Palace won only one of their first ten, losing the other nine, and that was against Sunderland.

Di Canio was sacked and replaced by former Brighton boss Gus Poyet. The transformation was instant, but the Uruguayan developed an odd habit of winning cup games rather than league ones. The Mackems got to Wembley in the final of the League Cup, knocking out Manchester United in the semi finals, and led Man City in the final before finally succumbing. They also made the FA Cup quarter finals.

Poyet, though, would have swapped those games for league points. The Wembley defeat seemed to have a profound affect on his side — they lost six and drew one of seven immediately afterwards, culmnting in a 5-1 loss at Tottenham after which Poyet admitted his team needed a miracle to survive.

That miracle was Connor Wickham finally kicking into life three years after his big money move from Ipswich. The muscular 21-year old has only scored nine times in 51 appearances in his entire Sunderland career but five of those came in a clutch of three games at the end of last season as Sunderland recorded four straight successes, including wins at Chelsea and Man Utd, to move clear of danger.

In: Will Buckley, Brighton, £2.5m >>> Patrick Van Aanholt, Chelsea, £1.5m >>> Jack Rodwell, Man City, £10m >>> Santiago Vergini, Estudiantes, loan >>> Billy Jones, West Brom, free >>> Jordi Gomez, Wigan, free >>> Giant Romanian Costel Pantilimon, Man City, free

Out: Phil Bardsley, Stoke, free >>> Craig Gardner, West Brom, free >>> David Vaughan, Forest, free >>> Keiren Westwood, Sheff Wed, free >>> Ignacio Martin Scocco, Newell’s, £2.1m >>> Jack Colback, Newcastle, free

This season: Last summer Sunderland signed players at a rate of one a week for the entire close season, and the names had even football aficionados reaching for their Rothman’s Year Book.

There’s a marked difference in acquisition strategy this summer. Things started badly, losing jack Colback to bitter rivals Newcastle after the cheeky ginge let his contract run down and then revealed he’d been a Geordie all along before leaping onto the Metro and flicking V signs as the train moved off towards Tyneside. It didn’t look like getting much better when they agreed a fee of £14m for Fabio Borini — roughly four times what he’s worth — and they still seem keen to do that deal, rather than run for the hills, despite it initially falling through. To compound matters Wickham won’t extend his contract and is attracting interest in a cut-price deal.

But Poyet is proving himself to be a highly capable football manager. My affection for him is sadly tapered by the amount of time he spent gleefully paddling round the racist troglodyte’s cesspit down the road but on balance I’d love him at QPR because his teams play exciting, entertaining, winning football and he knows how to build an ethos, a team and ingrain a style of play. Sunderland, at the moment, frequently sign players I’d like at QPR for bargain prices. Will Buckley from Brighton for £2.5m today is a snip, just as Liam Bridcutt was from the same place for the same price last season. Jack Rodwell looks dear at £10m but will relish regular first team football again and in ordi Gomez and Billy Jones Poyet has strengthened the right side of his team with talented players of Premier League experience for free.

There’ll be more to come, almost certainly up front, and hopefully for Poyet’s sake not Borini, but overall I think he’s doing a terrific job here and Sunderland will be this season’s big movers.

If they were a character from Family Guy… Peter Griffin — no amount of ridiculous behaviour and farce seems to prevent everything turning our alright in the end.

‘Arry says: “Fack me issa long way ap there. Bondy Bond’s pedal foot’ll be giving him jip after that trip. Tuesday night? Get sam facking brains would ya?”

Bookies say: 9/2 for relegation with ten teams rated more likely to go down.

LFW says: Tenth. This season’s big improvers.