Queens Park Rangers followed the script to the letter at Old Trafford on Sunday — entering stage left then promptly rolling over and dying in front of Louis Van Gaal’s new-look Manchester United to the delight of the watching arm-chair fans.
Sky Sports’ pre-match coverage of Manchester United QPR started at half past three. By the time the game kicked off half an hour later Rangers had featured for just one minute and 12 seconds of the conversation — a minute of which was Harry Redknapp talking about how "‘ard” it would be to play the mighty United. The storyline was written on deadline day — transfers far more important than the actual playing of matches — and QPR had learnt their lines perfectly.
"We can’t show them too much respect,” said Redknapp. Christ on a tiny motorbike only knows what this would have looked like if QPR had fallen into that trap.
Rio Ferdinand took time out from the pre-match build up to absorb the applause of the home fans on their one Old Trafford trip of the season, and receive a plaque to commemorate his 12 years of service at United. He spent the next 45 minutes polishing it.
For half an hour Rangers barely made it out of their half. Lining up on the edge of their own penalty box and accepting what came their way. Faced with wide open legs and come-to-bed eyes, United lubed up and set about the task with lusty gusto.
Swansea won at Old Trafford on the opening day of the season and last season Everton, West Brom, Newcastle, Spurs, Swansea again, Liverpool, Man City and Sunderland were all successful here. Rangers took zero inspiration, and put none of the lessons those who had been before had taught into practise. Other teams have profited from showing no fear, giving no respect, and playing their normal game against United. For QPR, that was too much like hard work. Harry Redknapp has lost all 15 of his matches here as a manager with West Ham, Portsmouth and now QPR, scoring just eight goals and conceding 46. His demeanour before, during and after the game suggested he didn’t think the R’s had a prayer, and the players took to the field with zero belief in what they were doing.
Given the respective resources, and chasm in ability of the two squads, you’d expect QPR to win this match maybe once in every 25 attempts, but behaving and playing like this they wouldn’t even manage that. The body language of the manager, coaching staff and players was defeatist from several days before the game until the final whistle. Despite conceding 70% of the possession, and spending the entire afternoon defending, Rangers didn’t pick up a single yellow card. Not a single foul worthy of further punishment. Devout Catholics have shown the Pope less respect than this.
Rangers sat deep, and tight, and narrow, and hoped for the best. Charlie Austin an irrelevance as a lone striker. After eight minutes Rafael, starting at right back in a reformatted 4-4-2 diamond set up that Louis Van Gaal had reverted to with Chris Smalling and Phil Jones out injured, combined with Ander Herrera to tee up Juan Mata who might have done better had the ball fallen on his left foot but, instead, skied the ball over the bar.
After a quarter of an hour Marcos Rojo was allowed space and time to maraud forwards from the back and his chipped cross would have been converted by Herrera had Robin Van Persie not got in the way. Eventually, QPR debutant Sandro came away with the ball. Rangers were fortunate to have survived that, and weren’t so lucky at the midway point of the half when Clint Hill committed a lazy foul on Herrera that achieved nothing other than presenting a free kick to Angel Di Maria who obliged by swinging in one of those deep crosses that may be headed in, or might drift in at the far post, and in this case did the latter. The whole thing had resulted from Leroy Fer receiving the ball from a rare throw in midway inside the United half and presenting it straight back to the hosts.
There was more to come. Ten minutes before the break Angel Di Maria was allowed to run 50 yards into space in the QPR half. When he was finally forced into a pass he found Wayne Rooney similarly unattended and he squared to Herrera to slide in a second. Before the break Rooney, with Caulker standing off, was able to beat Green at his near post with embarrassing ease — the keeper’s first error of the season. Rangers were three goals down at half time and had a cross four minutes prior to the break - which Rangers left to each other - been converted by Rooney it could have been worse. As it turned out, the England striker was a foot short at full stretch.
You can’t be too critical or expect too much of a newly promoted team, at Old Trafford, with all the money United have spent, and all the players they have to pick from. It seemed ludicrous that as United fielded £150m worth of new talent and steamrollered their opponents into the ground in an embarrassingly one sided contest, that it’s QPR who are being beaten over the head with financial fair play stories at the moment. There was nothing fair or equal about this.
But you also couldn’t help but think there was something for QPR here had they been a bit more positive about everything. Where are Manchester United’s strengths? Attack. Where are Manchester United’s weaknesses? Defence. The logic of sitting back and allowing the attack to play, while not bothering to trouble the defence, is lost on me I’m afraid.
After half an hour, a QPR move into the United half — soiled with unicorn faeces — drew David De Gea from his goal for reasons known only to the Spaniard and created a panic in a distinctly average United defence. Matt Phillips was presented with the ball 30 yards from goal with zero opposition between him and the net but having missed a sitter when 1-0 down in the first away game at Spurs, he once again produced a tepid shot that was cleared from the line with ease.
A moment later Van Persie recognised the danger of QPR running at a shaky defence and deliberately, cynically hacked Junior Hoilett to the ground after he’d turned him on halfway for an obvious yellow card. The Dutchman far more aware of the threat to a United backline that has already conceded seven goals in four games so far this season than QPR were.
Redknapp responded to a score that effectively finished the game with 45 minutes left to play by replacing Clint Hill at left back with Armand Traore, who immediately showed what could be achieved by running at a United rearguard that has changed personnel and shape every week so far this season. His square pass at the end of a positive thrust found Niko Kranjcar, making a second debut for QPR, and should have resulted in a goal. A tame finish from the Croatian was saved by De Gea with his feet. In the next attack the Senegalese full back against reached the edge of the home penalty area unchallenged simply by running forwards with the ball although this time, more typically, he fell over his own feet having got within sight of the goal.
A recurring theme from last season: poor team selections requiring half time substitutions and surgery. Rangers removed Richard Dunne at the break against Spurs when 3-0 down, and here it was Clint Hill's turn. It wouldn't have taken a think tank of the game's finest minds to work out those two ageing old pros may struggle in the positions and systems they were selected in against this quality of opponent.
At the other end, QPR continued to labour under the misapprehension that giving United time and space to play would result in something other than a total shellacking. Rafael and then Mata worked the ball into Wayne Rooney in the area and Green rushed out to save at his feet. Before the hour Mata did succeed in making it four, unmarked at the back post for the worst goal, defensively speaking, of the lot — played onside by Rio Ferdinand. Still, I hope Rio enjoyed his big day back at the "Theatre of Dreams”.
At the midway point of the second half a chipped ball from Di Maria was flicked on by Van Persie but it flew straight to Green and QPR were able to hold the score at four. Radamel Falcao came on for Mata, and Antonio Valencia for Rafael, soon after that and things looked set to get a good deal worse, but United had the game won by that point and mercifully removed their foot from QPR’s throat just enough for breath to be taken for the remaining 20 minutes. Adnan Januzaj, on for the excellent Di Maria in the final eight minutes, twice found himself in space in the QPR penalty area only to choose the wrong option at the crucial moment.
Sandro, thrown in at the deep end after several months without first team football, was overworked and breathing heavily at the base of the QPR midfield. He was replaced by Karl Henry with time running down — hamstring injuries to Jordon Mutch and Joey Barton ruling them both out of action felt keenly by their team mates who completely lost the midfield battle from the first whistle. Daley Blind at the base of a diamond, with Ander Herrera and Angel Di Maria either side of it, were particularly impressive for the hosts, but it would have been hard not to be in the face of such meagre opposition.
Redknapp also gave new Chilean recruit Eduardo Vargas a run instead of Charlie Austin for the final half an hour. Austin spent the day seeing none of the ball at least 30 yards from the nearest team mate at all times, but Vargas did craft one opportunity for himself only to drag a shot wide when offered a sight of the goal as the clock ran down.
The QPR manager bemoaned the fitness of his players afterwards, and continues to lament a poor pre-season spent playing second-rate teams in Germany and Ireland, as if somebody else at the club is in charge of arranging things like pre-season and fitness training. If the pre-season is poor and the players aren’t fit, whose fault is that exactly if not Harry Redknapp’s? Does Mr Bun the Baker book our pre-season friendlies?
In the face of such high quality opposition, with so much new talent making its debut, and the whole country seemingly waiting for the inevitable onslaught, I can’t say I expected anything other than a defeat here. So I come back to a question I asked after the cup exit at Burton Albion where, again, given QPR’s history in that competition, and the team selection, and the priorities this season, I expected a loss: what are we trying to achieve here if it’s not a win?
Some teams, in games like this, sit deep, with banks of five, and well-populated defensive lines, to try and frustrate their way to a 0-0 draw. Others play their normal game, attack, and go for a win, while risking a big defeat. QPR seemed to do neither to me. They picked 11 players, in not much of a shape at all, and let United pretty much do as they liked. No tackling, no attacking, no defending. A minute before kick-off, when you’d want to see some steely eyed resistance and your senior players going around ensuring everybody is focused on their roles, and ready to be right on their game immediately, Rio Ferdinand was collecting a brass plaque from Bobby fucking Charlton. That summed it up for me. Big day out for little old QPR. Zero belief.
The point of shelling out money - £45 a ticket for this one — to watch Harry Redknapp’s QPR side play away games decreases with each trip. Rangers have played 15 away games since Boxing Day and of those they’ve lost nine and failed to score a goal in 11. There didn’t seem to be a plan here to get a win, or a draw, or a goal, or a clean sheet. What should have been a free hit for Rangers ahead of more important matches - in the context of the season — against Villa, Stoke, Southampton and West Ham actually turned into the London side letting Man Utd have a swing.
Why not throw a few punches of our own? The old argument is you leave yourself exposed at the back and can suffer a big defeat, but QPR could scarcely have been more exposed here if they’d turned out wearing only flesh-coloured thongs, and a big defeat came their way anyway. What do we achieve with these meek surrenders, with 30% of the possession, where for long periods we seem not bothered at all and then when we do actually engage in the contest it’s only to keep the score down?
Twice now QPR have rolled over and died in difficult away games, offering no resistance at all. Twice they've dominated home games, winning one and losing the other when they should have drawn at least. The signings look good, and young, and talented, with resale value, and plenty to prove, in positions the Hoops needed to strengthen in. But still the uncertainty remains.
Leroy Fer was an obvious man of the match against Sunderland , and terribly unlucky not to open his account for the year with a 30-yard thunderbastard against the cross bar. At Spurs, he looked like he'd never played the game before. Here, he could be seen jogging back casually as United exploited the space behind him to ram in three first half goals and seal the game.
Have we learnt lessons? Are these players the right sorts? Will we be ok this season, as Redknapp continues to promise? Each passing game provides more questions than answers.
As at Spurs, it’s the manner of this defeat, and the way it was accepted by the players, that concerns more than the loss itself, which was completely expected.
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Man Utd: De Gea 5; Rafael 6 (Valencia 67, 6), Evans 6, Blackett 6, Rojo 7; Blind 8, Herrera 8, Di Maria 8 (Januzaj 82, -), Mata 7 (Falcao 67, 7); Rooney 7, Van Persie 7
Subs not used: Shaw, Lindegaard, Fletcher, Pereira
Goals: Di Maria 24 (free kick, won Herrera), Herrera 36 (assisted Rooney), Rooney 44 (assisted Herrera), Mata 58 (assisted Di Maria)
Bookings: Van Persie 32 (foul)
QPR: Green 5; Isla 4, Ferdinand 4, Caulker 5, Hill 4 (Traore 45, 6); Sandro 5 (Henry 74, 5), Kranjcar 5, Fer 4; Phillips 5, Hoilett 4, Austin 5 (Vargas 59, 6)
Subs not used: McCarthy, Onuoha, Zamora, Taarabt
QPR Star Man — N/A
Referee — Phil Dowd (Staffordshire) 8 A totally uncompetitive game, played with the speed and intensity of a testimonial match, gave the officials a nice easy afternoon out, with very little for them to actually referee. Robin Van Persie’s booking the only incident of note for the man in the middle, and he was right to card the Dutchman for a deliberate foul on a player breaking away into space.
Attendance 75,355 (1,800 QPR approx)
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Pictures — Action Images