Fans of crisis club bury were left reeling this morning when it was announced that the Sports Minister, Mims Davies, has ordered a full investigation into the shadowy goings on at the Gigg Lane club over the last decade.
Unbeknown to the wider world, a tale of fraud, cheating and manipulation has been playing out, using the cover of historic football club, bury FC as a front.
The Government are keen to see that no other football club pursues this deceitful path to success and wants to ensure legislation is passed to prevent any of the other 91 Premier League and EFL clubs copying the old girl. Or indeed, the old girl doing it yet again should they overcome their current plight.
Codenamed operation ‘Overgrown Men’, Lord Justice Popplepail will leave no stone unturned as he seeks to establish how such a heist could take place in front of 3,000 paying customers, most of whom didn’t see a thing.
Speaking exclusively to EGP, he said, “I’ve drawn up a list of those I wish to interview, but it’s not going well.
“The catalyst, who is recorded on video abusing the trust held in him by fans to sell the customers a dud, is dead.
Unavailable for comment
“His missus, the erstwhile Club Sec, who must have known what was going on, has jumped the sinking ship.
“The front man has also disappeared. I’ve even been up to see his Mum, Doris, in Scammonden, but she says the last time she saw him was in Marks & Spencer in Prestwich stuffing himself stupid and buying meals for 2 when they were clearly just for himself.
“I’ve tried to find Glenn Thomas without success and there’s some dodgy Italian lawyer, Burio Caputsi, or something, who has got a lot to answer for, but she’s disappeared as well. It’s like Midsomer out there.
“Also on my list are several prominent fans and employees. I want to find out why the Media Manager and ex-navy semen, counter-signed the agreement to sell bury FC to Stewart Day. I want to find out why the Supporters Trust willingly gave their shares to a complete stranger. If Day wasn’t skint, I’d be thinking ‘back-hander’ here.
“Most of all, I want to find out why 3,000 customers saw journeymen like Tom Pope, Stephen Dawson, Harry Bunn, Leon Clarke, Jermaine Beckford, James Vaughan and Chris Eagles, although apparently he was ‘playing for free’, come into the club on long contracts, reputedly earning £5,000 per week. Anyone who can add 2+2 and get 4 could see that something was clearly amiss.
“However, I do suspect that fans of the old girl are numerically illiterate. They had a protest on Saturday at the ground. I saw a picture of it online with about 30 not-rights dotted about. Incredibly, they claimed that between 200-250 had turned up.
1....2....3....4....5...sh1t!.... stop moving about you dicks!
“I will also be turning my ire on local journalists who chose to suck up to the Revolution rather than ask pertinent questions.
“When the club’s promotional video announced ‘We’ve even got a Rooney’, where were the searching questions? I mean, La Maison down the road were on the ball ordering extra towels and Jonnies as soon as they heard the name.
“I want to know why Jimmy Wagg and the sycophants at Radio Manchester were happy to indulge Stewart Day and his acolytes. They just wanted to be mateys and not have to ask the questions you’d expect a journalist to ask. Actually, that makes more sense now…
“But, closer to home there are the fans, complicit in their cover-ups, chicanery and this rather outdated notion that ignorance absolves responsibility.
“I’ve been pointed in the direction of a messageboard which was very hard to join. Fortunately, my Masonic connections with the Police saw a nice man called Vin help me register and I’ve since been trawling through piles of complete shit to see if anyone on there is a normal person.
Beardymans Board yesterday
“On top of all that, there’s another fat bastard I need to talk to, but Chester Zoo said all bears were unavailable for comment, so I’ll have to use internet evidence to assess whether the wonderfully named Dale is here to help the stricken club or, as is suggested, wipe the septicaemic old hag off the face of the earth forever.
Steve Dale, Jill Neville and Matt Mcarthy - Happier times
“When I’ve done my final report, I’ll send you the first copy. Boris can wait — he’s busy trying to control another collection of mongs.”
DON’T HAVE NIGHTMARES. WE’LL BE BACK!
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