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On every stag do, there is at least one bloke who turns out to be either really mouthy and annoying or a complete loose cannon nutcase. If it's your colleague's stag do, the loose cannon will always be your colleague's brother, if it's a mate's stag do, they will be the groom's brother-in-law. You'll be introduced to them at the airport/train station, and by lunchtime, eight different people will have said to you, "Mate, Dave's brother's a bit of a loose cannon, eh" or "Dave's brother-in-law's a bit of a kno b, isn't he". Everyone will then spend the rest of the weekend trying to avoid being sat next to them in the Argentine steakhouse or stuck in the same mini-round.
I went on a 48 Hour Harwich - Cuxhaven ferry trip for my colleague's stag do, and spent most of it trying to avoid his brother, who over the course of the trip, managed to have an actual fight with a fruit machine, offer-out 2 of the stag do, the DJ on the ferry, the bloke organising the charity raffle on the ferry after he failed to win some aftershave, a waiter in a Cuxhaven restaurant at about 09:30 in the morning, and a man who bumped into his bag at Liverpool Street as we were all saying goodbye to each other. It was like being on a really shi t cruise with the world's most volatile man. It was stressful. He spent every waking moment talking about Tony Cottee, fighting at the football or road rage fights - and this was before road rage existed as a thing. The lad who ended up sharing a cabin with him still suffers from PTSD.
On the mouthy front, my mate had his stag-do in Liverpool and his brother-in-law (who people were trying to avoid by Watford Junction) just had a talent for annoying everyone by being far too gobby with strangers and completely oblivious to the amount of people saying something to us along the lines of, "You wanna tell your mate to shut-up, lads...".
I've never been on a stag-do with a footballer, but I reckon these players would be liable to start a full-on 9am Wetherspoons brawl with a 40-strong stag-do from Newport: Billy Whitehurst, Mick Harford, Mark Dennis, Steve Williams, Nigel Pearson, Roy Keane, Graeme Souness, Duncan Ferguson, Kenny Burns, Julian Dicks, Robert Hopkins, Pat van den Hauwe, Jesper Olsen (not really).
Mouthy footballers you would spend the whole weekend apologising for after your mouthy footballer had managed to upset a rough-looking 40-strong stag-do from Mansfield: Dennis Wise, Craig Bellamy, John Arne Riise, Frank Le Beuf, John Terry, Ashley Cole, Joey Barton, Tim Sherwood, Michael Brown, Alan Brazil, Dele Alli.
Who would you add to those lists?
[Post edited 6 Jun 2020 14:47]
Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts
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Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 14:55 - Jun 6 with 9998 views
I’ve never been on a stag do - basically, as you note, because of the anal behaviour on show at these events. Not that I haven’t had a few drinks with the chap getting hooked, sure, but I’m not putting on a good whistle to stain it with blood, beer and vomit.
Edit. To be fair, I was the first of my mates to get married, had kids to look after was my excuse when the subject ever arose.
I'd rather be in the 'Sugar Hut' with Gemma Collins and a collecive of 3rd tier essex gangsters dancing to pinky and perky alto tune R&B drinking knock off krug with a fu ckin' sparkler in the top, than drink with that turtleneck milk fat hills have eyes ponce.
The Duke Of New York. A-Number One.
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Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 15:35 - Jun 6 with 9850 views
Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 15:27 - Jun 6 by distortR
oh gawd, Garth Crooks doing a speech.................zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Garth would also be the lad who spends all weekend chatting about popping out to see Auschwitz because it's not all about the drinking. But never goes in the end.
"The opposite of love, after all, is not hate, but indifference."
Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 15:23 - Jun 6 by BrianMcCarthy
I reckon Neil Ruddock would redden yer ears with chat about himself, and it would all be "hilarious, Mate".
Graeme Le Saux would be sound. He'd sit down and talk to the Groom's Dad to keep him company.
Mate, that is spot-on. Him, the groom’s Dad and Brian McBride share a bottle of red in the pub whilst everyone else is on the jaegerbombs. David Seaman is the big lad from the groom’s cricket club whose name you never learn and who says nothing all weekend, but gives off good vibes through his willingness to chuckle at every gag/anecdote.
Steve Ogrizovic is holding the whip and organising teams for bowling/go-karting.
[Post edited 6 Jun 2020 15:43]
Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts
0
Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 15:42 - Jun 6 with 9827 views
Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 15:40 - Jun 6 by Konk
Mate, that is spot-on. Him, the groom’s Dad and Brian McBride share a bottle of red in the pub whilst everyone else is on the jaegerbombs. David Seaman is the big lad from the groom’s cricket club whose name you never learn and who says nothing all weekend, but gives off good vibes through his willingness to chuckle at every gag/anecdote.
Steve Ogrizovic is holding the whip and organising teams for bowling/go-karting.
[Post edited 6 Jun 2020 15:43]
McBride always reminds of Dubya Bush.
"The opposite of love, after all, is not hate, but indifference."
Slam his elbow in your face and claim you were using his arm to to relieve a nervous twitch in your eye.
Fcuk padlocking the groom to a post in the street after the usual day/night ecxessive alcholic endevour, I would start with Shearer within 30 seconds of being introduced and being stone cold sober.
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Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 16:49 - Jun 6 with 9651 views
Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 17:04 - Jun 6 by DannytheR
Captain Leader Legend is the obvious candidate.
Although thinking about it, you assume he'd be a no-show at the stag do in order to slip a friendly arm around the bride-to-be.
48 hours of Ray Parlour and Jimmy Bullard gives me a migraine just thinking about it.
Sherwood. Imagine the conversation. Fk me.
Oh, and Jamie Redknapp.
Hang on. Has no-one mentioned Dennis Wise yet?
Jimmy Bullard is a great shout. He would be a disaster. I cannot imagine how bad he’d be after a few hours on the pop.
Dennis Wise is the first name on my mouthy footballers who get you into bother list.
There’s another category - At some point, I will go off on one about Chelsea and ten minutes in, someone will go, “Steve’s a Chelsea fan”, at which point Steve mumbles something about the shed, Going home and away in the second division and how they never liked all the NF stuff. By the end of the weekend I’ve met another Chelsea fan I quite like and i feel a bit dirty. I reckon Frank Lampard could be the Chelsea who’s actually surprisingly okay. Eddie Newton, Pat Nevin and Graeme Le Saux too.
Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts
0
Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 17:43 - Jun 6 with 9527 views
Which footballers would you be looking to avoid on a stag-do? on 17:27 - Jun 6 by Konk
Jimmy Bullard is a great shout. He would be a disaster. I cannot imagine how bad he’d be after a few hours on the pop.
Dennis Wise is the first name on my mouthy footballers who get you into bother list.
There’s another category - At some point, I will go off on one about Chelsea and ten minutes in, someone will go, “Steve’s a Chelsea fan”, at which point Steve mumbles something about the shed, Going home and away in the second division and how they never liked all the NF stuff. By the end of the weekend I’ve met another Chelsea fan I quite like and i feel a bit dirty. I reckon Frank Lampard could be the Chelsea who’s actually surprisingly okay. Eddie Newton, Pat Nevin and Graeme Le Saux too.
Y'alright, Konk?
Dizzy? Bang to the head?
"The opposite of love, after all, is not hate, but indifference."
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