The second annual LFW deadline day, sort of live, spectacular Monday, 2nd Sep 2013 11:58 by LFW Team Join LFW from noon for everybody’s third favourite alternative transfer deadline day live blog. Get involved via Twitter and e-mail. E-mail us loftforwords@yahoo.co.uk, Tweet @loftforwords. We want news of random players in helicopters, and encounters with lower league footballers in bars. #JimWhitesRoughGlove Hit refresh every now and again for updates. We’re well technical here. BREAKING/DRINK/QPR NEWS Harry through a car window. At last. Seems to think he's got Kranjcar. "Made it with ten minutes to spare." Said he wasn't keen to lose Andy Johnson so pleased that didn't go through. Says QPR will "play through Tom Carroll".
23.10 We're done kids. We're done. 23.09 Andy Johnson is at the Palace training ground, but it's too late according to Palace. Jesus. What are you doing QPR? Reduced season ticket prices or not I am not paying to watch Bobby pigging Zamora every bastard week. 23.08 Julio Cesar, in a World Cup year, is now left with only Russian and Turkish options. 23.06 So, we're done. Sitting on the same leather sofa for 11 hours, and we've learnt almost nothing. Things we know: Ozil has gone to Arsenal; Gareth Bale has enormous nipples; QPR have signed Tom Carroll and Benoit Assou Ekotto; Andy Johnson remains, thank goodness; West Brom have imploded.
23.00 The studio falls silent. The Big Ben chimes are played. "Wow" says Jim. James McCarthy has just arrived at the Everton training ground - good luck persuading them that one was done in time. 22.59 "Out of my way Natalie, it's time for Big Ben." DONE DEAL - QPR DEALS Assou Ekotto and Tom Carroll both confirmed, both on loan. Well done QPR. 22.57 Jesus, idiots, nothing all day, no everybody is piling in. Dave Whelen has held the whole thing up, accepted an offer late, and now several deals are spinning off that. We are two minutes away from Big Ben. Broken fax machine, bring out the broken fax machine.
22.54 Jim White says Ian Holloway says Andy Johnson won't be coming to Palace. White says: "A lot of things we said might happen haven't but some still might."
22.50 Back from the bloodbath at Ashburton Grove to Sawyer, but White is straight in, all Scottish and angry. "I'm just going to interrupt you Natalie before you've even started to talk." James McCarthy might be going to Everton after all. 22.47 Spurs reporter is being felt up, and having a tongue put into his ear, in return for repeating that all their incoming business is done for the summer, which he has been telling us for quite some time.
22.43 Beard, Redknapp still working on paperwork. No confirmation on Carroll, Assou Ekotto, Kranjcar. No confirmation on Johnson. Gail Davis, doing her very best chocolate fireguard impression. Jim White says it's like a house party with the main guest not showing up. Where are you Harry? 22.40 Big tension in the LFW transfer bunker as White makes mention o an England international arriving at Crystal Palace. What might save QPR season ticket holders from having to watch Bobby Zamora on a regular basis is Johnson's knee - would you put him through a medical in 15 minutes? 22.39 Vinny, Vinny, Vinny pur-lease. The Everton training ground is closed. Nobody is there. Look behind you man, it's you and an urban fox rubbing one out. 22.29 Geraint Hughes confirms to the fans outside Ashburton Grove that Ozil has signed. They push the cameraman aside, grasp Hughes round the throat and scalp him. We cut away as they begin to feast on the goo within.
Done Deal That Mesut Ozil move to Arsenal has been confirmed. 22.22 QPR are 38 minutes away from having to pick Bobby Zamora for every minute of every match. 22.20 The Andy Johnson story won't go away. Go away damn you. Done Deal Fabio Borini moves from Liverpool to Sunderland. A large potato dressing in a puffer coat jumps up and down behind Boney from Trap Door making a wanker sign. 22.14 Finally, finally, Rob Dorsett fesses up at West Brom. "To be perfectly honest, we don't know." Long overdue. Doesn't know if Anichebe is about to sign. Doesn't know if Lukaku is driving to the training ground, or in Belgium, or going to Everton. Doesn't know if Sessegnon is signing. "My sources are telling me more and more confidently that Lukaku will be signing" - same sources that told him Lukaku was coming to the training ground when he's actually in Belgium. 22.11 They've finally let Sawyer read a link into Vinny O'Connor at Everton. Thank goodness for that, the testosterone oozing out of White was becoming too much. The chair he's sitting on has grown a pair of testicles. 22.07 They've run out of places to go now. Man Utd reporter wrestled to the ground by a bearded man with no teeth. 22.02 Arsenal reporter fearing for his life. It's turned into a mosh pit. His "fingers on lips children" routine isn't working. He's now yelling seomthing about "nobody is going home until all 12 pairs of scissors are returned to the drawer. I can wait here all night." Somebody ruffles his hair and they all move in en masse. They consume him, swarming, all teeth and cocaine. 22.02 Fans behind Arsenal reporter now holding a potato up. Arsenal 1 Spuds 0 perhaps? Headlines at 22.00 Come on kids, last hour. Shot of Big Ben. Nothing new. 21.59 Headlines, such as they are, at 22.00 to come shortly. 21.57 "You can talk to my face Jim," says Sawyer. "A face? How long have you had that?" he replies. 21.55 Having spent all night telling you that Romelu Lukaku is on his way to sign for West Brom, somebody has had a whisper in Andy Burton's ear that he's away on international duty. Suddenly the story changes completely, and he might be going to Everton. Shit is being hoiked out of the ground and heaved at the wall at a frantic rate now.
21.51 Southampton reporter quickly being surrounded by a group of dancing rapists. Done Deal Nick Powell joins Wigan on loan from Man Utd. Former QPR News Peter Ramage completes loan move to Barnsley. 21.42 MacAnthony tells Niall Quinn he's going to "knock him out in a minute" after a dig about what league Peterborough are in. Then laces into Celtic for making various e-mailed offers for his striker Lee Tomlin and tapping the agent up rather than phoning him or Barry Fry in advance. 21.39 Olympic cyclist Chris Hoy coming on shortly to provide a referee's perspective.
21.37 "Arsenal fan" Mo Farah has dropped into Sky's coverage to offer his inside knowledge and input. We had Iain Dowie and Dave 'Harry' Basset this time last year and that was better than this. Executive producer at Sky to be taken out and pelted with old tea bags. 21.34 Breaking the tension with this...
21.31 Back from the break and Sawyer is literally panting. Wiping the sweat from her brow she links to the West Brom training ground where it is "so dark it's difficult to see who is coming and who is going." 21.30 Mood has taken a dark turn in Earlsfield. If Andy Johnson is heading out it leaves QPR with striking options numbering Zamora, Austin and Hitchcock. For a club that loves its PR, that will certainly take some explaining. 21.28 "Natalie was talking earlier but I've rectified that now..." says Jim. 21.26 Jim White waves around a mobile phone and says "Dave Whelan is calling me, I'll call you back Dave." 21.24 Gail Davis at the end of her tether down at Harlington. Very dark, sinister group of locals creeping around behind her, says Phil Beard left the training ground, got to the end of the road, then turned round and came back. 21.17 That is dreadful news for QPR if it turns out to be true. Johnson committed his future to QPR during the summer saying he owed the club a good season after his injury problems, and he's started excellently. 21.14 Mail reporter Neil Ashton reporting that that Andrew Johnson could be leaving QPR for Crystal Palace. 21.12 Update on this bizarre idea that West Brom are about to flog Shane Long for £5m. Anichebe discussing personal terms, Sessegnon deal close, Long deal agreed with Hull. Now talk of Lukaku heading back to West Brom. 21.08 Meanwhile outside Ashburton Grove, one of the Arsenal fans is waving a lemon very slowly through the air like a lighter at a Foreigner concert.
21.05 Ongoing dialogue between Everton and Wigan over James McCarthy. Wigan want more than £12m apparently, in which case you'd imagine the dialogue will be quite short.
Headlines at 21.00 Basically the main news is there's only two hours to go, and thank God for that. Everton have three midfielders lined up in case Marouane Fellaini goes to Man Utd. Arsenal waiting on Ozil. QPR waiting on Assou Ekotto and Tom Carroll. 20.59 Headlines at 21.00 coming up, and once again it looks like QPR are stealing in at the death with the late headline grabbers. Assou-Ekotto decent depending on attitude, Tom Carroll a very tidy little player - despite his teeth not fitting into his head.
20.53 The stress of the Ozil deal really getting to one particularly moist Arsenal fan outside the Emirates.
20.42 "Wow," says Jim, "£40m for Khedira, but it's not going to happen Guillem?" Jesus. 20.40 If somebody doesn't do something soon I'm going to start executing hostages. 20.36 Jim has an extended anecdote about security being called to Gareth Bale's house. It looks like he might be trying to eek this out through until 23.00, and at this point who can blame him. "He'll have to get used to living in a goldfish bowl, won't he Niall..." says Jim, inviting Quinn to step in with what we can only presume is an old Irish saying: "a goldfish bowl of course, but it will be like there's a blender on in the bowl while he's trying to swim around." 20.32 One more sighting of Gareth Bale's press conference and several very angry, very bored, very tired, very drunk people are going to go all Raoul Moat on the streets of Earlsfield.
20.20 "How late can a phone call be put in Trevor?" "Quite late." God this is dying on its arse. Start sending us dodgy pictures or something. 20.19 Natalie Sawyer now interviewing Trevor Birch while Jim goes for a rub down. "How many elements of the deal need to be done by 23.00?" she asks. One would think most elements need to be done by then, if not all of them. Even allowing for 'Arry's broken fax machine. 20.17 While Vinnie O'Connor is chuntering on about Fellaini possibly requesting a transfer three cars - a Vauxhall estate, a Renault Espace and an unmarked white van - leave the Everton training ground behind him. All of them carrying stories, players and news. Turn around man.
BREAKING Open All R's Podcast delayed by Finney's cat. In equally dramatic and relevant news, Marouane Fellaini has left the Everton training ground - which one would presume he was always going to at some point unless he's like Jamie Mackie and lives at the training ground. 20.09 MacAnthony says managers like to "return to the scene of the crime" and "sign the same players over and over again." 20.04 "Fingers on lips children," says Geraint Thomas at Arsenal, before delivering an update which is that nothing has happened. Lights flickering, picture flickering, the chavs are moving closer and closer... it's a trap Geraint, it's a trap, get away. Jim White asks for an update on Demba Ba. It's like that bit on Shaun of the Dead where they drag the gobby Irish one out through the window of the pub. Get out of there man. 20.02 The Manchester United reporter says the Herrera deal is a "doable deal United can do." Headlines at 20.00 Niall Quinn is in, Peterborough chairman Darragh MacAnthony is also in - "he's got some stories he can tell you I can tell you," says Jim. Toothy McTooth is at Madrid doing a love-heart sign. Yesterday's news mate. 19.57 Headlines at 20.00 coming up... 19.55 Jim White: "It's beginning to rumble. You can feel it, some big business will be done tonight. Marouane Fellaini has just left the Everton training ground at speed Natalie - I didn't say speak - it's rumbling away." Ex QPR News Peter Ramage apparently going out from Palace to Barnsley on loan. Wor Peter, you'll get a chance in the Premier League one day kid. 19.49 Back from a break, Jim White greets us with "ah haaaa!" Not kidding. 19.48 Expense account taking a hammering at Loftus Road. Philip Beard's hummus away in the background there...
19.44 West Brom seem to be deliberately imploding, bringing in inferior players to Shane Long so they can let Shane Long going to Hull. Steve Clarke has crawled out of the Wetherspoons to get in Victor Anichebe and Stephane Sessegnon, and tell Long to sling his hook. What are they doing?
19.40 Boney at Sunderland has received information "just now, on the phone, in this moment, moments ago" that Spurs and Arsenal have had offers for Demba Ba rejected, another unnamed club has, however, had a deal approved. "Don't lose that phone," says Jim. Indeed Boney, keep it away from Ashley Cole. 19.37 Bryan Swanson in now. He says "contrary to reports", Juan Mata is not going to Paris SG. Those reports would of course be the reports "Sky sources" "understood" earlier. Only in the transfer window are you allowed to make something up, report that, and then report again later when it's denied.
19.28 Jim White says he "came into information" that another team had offered more money and higher wages for Gareth Bale prior to his move to Real Madrid. "Do you believe that?" he says to Cottee, pointing, accusingly. "It's all a guessing game isn't it?" says Cottee. Well, no, it's not, there are facts and there is nonsense to fill time and boost associated betting accounts. Done Deal Marcello Trotta returns to Brentford on loan from Fulham. Just don't let him take the penalties.
19.12 "It's rough and it's ready, excuse our language," says Jim, lunging across the desk and calling the latest guest, Tony Cottee, a prick.
19.06 Shane Long heading to Hull from West Brom. Great signing for Hull, West Brom balls deep in big trouble. 19.05 It's all gone off at Arsenal. The locals are cheering, and eventually they jostle the reporter out of the shot. Back to the studio we go. "What a moment that was," says Jim. What a moment indeed. Reporter now being kicked on the floor, youths running off with camera equipment. 19.00 Here he comes. "Who was it that sang 'I don't like Mondays'? I love Mondays." Red Bull frothing from his lips. It's Jim. "Alright Natalie, let's get to it," he says, and mounts the desk in a thong. 18.59 It is time.
Done Deal Peter Odemwingie goes from West Brom to Cardiff. Agent not exactly inspiring a lot of confidence on Sky. Everybody is "happy all round" he says - something he hasn't been since 1994. This is more like a cry for help than an interview. 18.51 Martin Allen is back on the screen at Gillingham, in a patterned shirt, after his extended cycle ride. Reporter has finished with Bayo Akinfenwa, now sitting on a cushion for this latest update. Looking fairly flush. E-mail Our old Spanish mate Miguel is in touch with a line on that earlier Swansea deal for Alvaro Vazquez: "Former RCD Espanyol player from the youth ranks. He was one of the lads sold last year for the cheap. Quick, lives offside, weak mentality. Espanyol fan through and trough. Good luck to him he's gonna need it." Done Deals QPR extend the loans of Michael Harriman to Gillingham, and Shaun Derry to Millwall, until January. 18.43 Live at Southampton when we come back from the break. Currently nobody in front of the camera, not even a reporter. This is going to be a sizzling update.
18.36 Still the same two cocks behind Gail Davis at QPR. Carroll and Kranjcar, slow progress, late night. She's guessing this woman. Remember you can bet on the outcome on Sky Bet. 18.34 Darmeshthsh Sheshthsh is back. Jim Davidson has more new material than this guy. Studio guests required urgently. 18.32 Boney from Trap Door up at Middlesbrough reports Boro are in for Bolton's David Wheater. One lucky escape from Wheater clearly not enough. Cannot imagine what they've seen in his Bolton performances this season to tempt them into that. 18.20 Poor Pete Stevenson. Live at Liverpool's training ground, talking about a dinner to mark the 100th birthday of Bill Shankly, interrupted by a number of chavs gesturing and chanting. Stevenson leans round and yells "shush", then attempts t carry on. It's hopeless. Sky cut the report short, and whichever jumped up short-man this is filling in for Jim White tells us "we do like to involve the fans in transfer deadline day but some people just take it too far and spoil it." Spoil what? We're now re-running the fucking Gareth Bale montage again - car, medical, shirt change, car, presentation, pidgin Spanish, ball juggling, nipples, etc. Done Deal Libor Kozak goes from Lazio to Aston Villa. DRINK First sighting of Jim White. He's noshing down on a sandwich while touching up Natalie Sawyer and talking to Simon Thomas about smug smile technique in the Sky canteen. 18.13 My word look who it is: Sky Sports' Andy Burton, once the transfer deadline day God, sitting behind the desk with two mobile phones out fielding calls from Leroy Lita, now reduced to replacing Darmeshth Shethshth by the touch screen thanks to his boyish attempts to get involved with the Andy Gray and Richard Keys dick swinging over Sian Massey. Done Deal Pulled pork served to the LFW team. We shall be absent for seven minutes.
18.00 I'd give you the headlines at 18.00, but it's all descended into a big row about Arsenal. 17.53 Geraint Hughes, the reporter charged with covering Arsenal today, has made the brave move from the training ground to Ashburton Grove. That puts him in Finsbury Park at dusk. Rather you than me Geraint, and he's already got a crowd of locals. 17.49 We have Gail Davis at the QPR training ground. Two pretty boys stand behind her pumping fists and shouting "phwoar". Done Deal Stephen Ireland leaves Villa for Stoke on a season long loan. 17.38 Live update from Adebayo Akinfenwa in the gym at Gillingham. Petite, blonde reporter wide eyed and somewhat in awe.
Former QPR News Bradley Orr on the move again, heading from Blackburn to Blackpool on loan. 17.25 Tits McGee at Spurs reports that their bi-annual bid for Hulk has fallen flat again because he's too expensive. Benoit Assou Ekoto and Tom Carroll heading to QPR though. Done Deals Barry Bannan moving from Villa to Palace on a three year deal. Dany N'Guessan, Millwall to Swindon Florent Cuvelier, Stoke to Sheff Utd, undisclosed fee after successful loan spell at Walsall last season. Genseric Kusunga, Basel to Oldham, seriously.
17.21 Christ they're multiplying behind Pete Stevenson at Liverpool. Don't feed them after midnight Pete. 17.16 Teeth McTooth now reminding us that Kaka went through everything Bale has today three years ago and has now been released on a free transfer to AC Milan. Proper Buzz Killington appearance there. "Now, who wants to hear a good story about a bridge? Or see me eat this apple, through this tennis racket."
17.13 Oh toothy Gary Cotterill finally makes an appearance, standing outside the Bernebeu reporting on yesterday's news. Basically describing in words everything we've seen in pictures for the last six hours. Dogs can't look up you know, far more interesting and relevant than this rubbish.
17.05 Carnage at Sky. They bid farewell to Jamie Redknapp at 16.56, thanking him for his time. He was blatantly only in as a filler anyway, but now we're back at 17,00 and Redknapp is still in situ, the new guest is late. Reidy Reid stuck on the north circular perhaps? Or Gerry Francis having a mullet incident in hair and makeup? "It's got a life of its own," shouts the Sky hairdresser. "Jesus, get some scissors." "You take scissors to that and I'll take scissors to you," says Gerry. Perhaps. Headlines at 17.00 Something about Ozil, Demba Ba heading Arsenal's way as well. QPR linked with Tom Carroll, a terrific little player whose teeth sadly don't really fit in his head, and now Niko Kranjcar. It cannot officially be declared a deadline day unless Harry Redknapp has either tried to buy or sell Kranjcar or, if he buys him in the morning, both. QPR News Jamie Redknapp drops in Niko Kranjcar's name. "Oh the boy Kranjcar, lovely fella, not a minute's trouble," said 'Azza. 16.48 Man Utd smuggling their new signing into Carrington in secret.
16.41 That noise you can hear is a barrel being scraped. Former Manchester United and Blackburn defender David May has arrived in Sky's Leeds studio to say "I'm not really sure" and "I don't really know a lot about him" about several Manchester United signings. While I've typed this he's been asked four questions and every answer has started with "I'm not really sure if I'm honest Hayley..."
16.34 It's all gone very South London suburbs at Palace. A dozen youths - not a pube amongst them - dance, adjust their hair and film themselves being filmed on their mobile phones. A white van drives past and the driver yells "Palace" just to clarify where we are and what we're talking about. 16.30 "News" from Liverpool, and reporter Peter Stevenson, who repeats the three transfers Liverpool agreed this morning and then says "lot of pushing and shoving to join me on the pavement here." Stretching the definition of 'News' yet again there. "Once again people are forgetting the true meaning of Transfer Deadline Day... It's all gotten so commercialised these days. -hoopstillidie 16.27 Odemwingie goes to Cardiff. They've let him in the door and everything. 16.23 After the break, where is Peter Odemwingie turning up in his car today? 16.22 Blackburn manager Gary Bowyer says Jordan Rhodes, four goals in two games, absolutely not for sale amidst rumours of a move to Wigan. 16.15 Spanish journalist Guillem Balague tells Sky Sports he expects Mesut Ozil to excel at Arsenal playing in the hole behind the strikers. Mick McCarthy quickly responded.... Done Deal/Former QPR News West Brom complete the free transfer of Lee Camp. Sky cut to file footage of Camp waiting on tables in a brasserie. 16.10 Jamie Redknapp says it will help if Gareth Bale can speak some Spanish while he's in Madrid. Cutting analysis. Luckily he's only with us for an hour. LFW Bet is offering the following odds on the next studio guest: Peter 'Reidy' Reid 5/1, Alex 'McRelegator' McLeish 6/1, Kevin Phillips (dependent on round of golf finishing) 9/2, Mark 'The Secretary Slayer' Palios 12/1 16.07 Keep track of what Gareth Bale has earned so far, and what he can afford with it, at this helpful link. 16.05 Today is officially known to Newcastle as 'Monday'.
Headlines at 16.00 Something about Bale, something about Ozil, and Jamie Redknapp has slipped into his tight trousers and joins us literally live in the studio. 15.55 Quick discussion about Hulk, a man whose arse has its own Facebook appreciation society. 15.52 Wigan have offered £6m plus add ons for Blackburn's Jordan Rhodes apparently. Too good to check. Sky say the offer has been "verbally tabled" which sounds a bit too Gianni Paladini-style for my taste. 15.47 A quick round up from Darmeshth Sheshth has Hayley McQueen blowing out her cheeks and describing herself as "breathless." "If that's all it takes, you and I definitely need to meet," says @alansimps1984. 15.41 Sky report that QPR have secured a year long loan deal for Spurs midfielder Tom Carroll. 15.36 Shot of Roberto Martinez driving into the Everton training ground (BMW, as opposed to Andre Villas Boas's Ferrari earlier) and after the break Sky are going to tell us where he's been. You sense they're struggling today somewhat. Done Deal Striker Alvaro Vazquez loaned to Swansea by Getafe. Never heard of him, signing for Swansea, no doubt brilliant. 15.34 While Sky chat to a doctor and former Liverpool MD Christian Purslow (who's borrowed some new hair for the day) we have news from Charlie that Barcelona have moved in to sign Ted Hendrix from LFW to go up against Bale in El Classico this season.
15.25 Take it back about the Palace fans not knowing what all this is all about. The lone fan outside their training ground is doing the Joe Hart dance in the background of the updates.
Done Deal Christ, an actual transfer, what do we do now? Adrian Mariappa leaves Reading for Palace. 15.06 This from @GRDHoops on the Gareth Bale banana debate.... "According to urban myth, eating 250 bananas in one sitting could be fatal due to levels of potassium. This means that Gareth Bale earns enough bananas in 61 seconds to kill a person." There's no actual proof for that, but it is a scientific fact. Headlines at 15.01 Something about Bale, something about Ozil, Martin Allen killed on the B2097 (northbound) heading towards Rochester. 14.54 As Ian Woosnam said to his caddie when too many clubs in the bag cost him the 2001 British Open "I gave you one job to do and you couldn't do it." @neildejyothin, charged with keeping up to date on QPR EDS v Brighton, misses a last minute winner from the visitors. QPR 1 Brighton 2 full time. Hitchcock with the goal for the R's. 14.50 Budget car window update at Gillingham. Martin Allen is giving his updates while riding a bike. Talks about a loan from Charlton, and then cycles off into the distance.
14.47 Adverts suggest that people watching at this time of the day can afford a new mobile phone, and have a car to insure. Michael Parkinson has only been on once offering his free pen for inquiring about life insurance. @alansimps1984 rang, ran through his substance abuse history, and was quoted a premium of £500 a day. Former QPR News Free agent Lee Camp about to go to West Brom on a short term deal to cover for injured Ben Foster. That scuppers the idea that the Baggies might take Julio Cesar off QPR's hands.
14.43 ITV News reports that Loic Remy has been re-bailed on his rape charge until November. Remy meanwhile says he wants to "make his personal mark" on Newcastle - steady on Loic, one criminal charge at a time please. 14.41 "Apologies if you are offended by any of the gestures made by the supporters behind our reporter at Everton."
14.26 Newly promoted Palace clearly not getting the hang of this. Just the two eejits in attendance, standing on the opposite side of the reporter with their arms folded. This is how you do it lads, check Liverpool...
14.21 @NeilDejyothin now informs us that Samba Diakite was taken off at half time of the QPR EDS game with Brighton, still 1-1 there. Josh Laurent (who LFW really, really, really like in a non-gay way, and a bit of a gay way as well) on for the second half. 14.18 Sunderland's Stephane Sessegnon linked with a move to West Brom. @NeilDejyothin has a theory that Paolo Di Canio is going to sell all his strikers, including Steven Fletcher, and then come out of retirement. 14.15 14.09 It's all going off at Arsenal. Chavs behind reporter singing during a report seems to panic him, and soon there's a small ball of spittle resting plum in the middle of his lower lip. As the singing grows louder the report increases in speed, he's panicking, and the spittle ball grows larger, now attaching itself to the upper lip between words and stretching out in a string. He's flailing, and the piece is cut short.
Done Deal Huddersfield full back Jack Hunt, mentioned by LFW on average three times a week for the last two and a half years, goes to Crystal Palace on a four year deal. Decent player, well manicured eyebrows.
14.00 Main headline is a change of presenters. Small smarmy boy sitting alongside Hayley McQueen. "Big eyes," says @alansimps1984. Another shot of Bale's giant nipples. 13.56 Right, headlines on the hour approaching. We'll do ours without Bale or Ozil. There's a challenge for us.... 13.50 @NeilDejyothin, a versatile member of the squad, informs me it's 1-1 at half time in the EDS squad.
13.47 Not a single sighting of Harry Redknapp speaking through a car window as yet. Wondering if Ian Taylor has put the child lock on his car door so he can only wind it down two inches.
13.43 More on that earlier Gareth Bale=monkey=bananas gag we milked to death. @Andy_Hillman informs us: "There are 420,000,000,000 bananas in the world at any one point, Gareth Bale can afford 130,000,000 bananas a year, therefore in a given year he can afford 1/3000th of the world's entire banana supply." This is why we're here folks. 13.40 We're now being treated to a Gareth Bale press conference where the questions are asked in Spanish, he listens to them on a headphone set for a while, then starts to answer in Welsh and they're translated back to us in Spanish which is really, really fucking useful. 13.35 Here's a fax from Helen who asks "Re your post of 13.13 - is that a salaried position that NDJ has finally managed to secure from LFW?" No Helen, no it's not. 13.31 Ok, we've had @charminglass working on a breakdown of how Gareth Bale's Real Madrid wage converts to Sainsbury's Fair Trade (loose) bananas for the last 30 minutes and we believe he can afford 14,875 bananas an hour and 357,142 bananas a day.
13.23 My word Steve Bruce isn't getting any slimmer is he? #SteveBruceBackFat 13.20 Andre Villas Boas (the manager) has just roared into the Tottenham training ground in a Ferrari. 13.15 We are of course taking your texts, e-mails, Tweets and faxs - contact details above. Here's a telegram from message board regular FurlongforEngland who tells us... "Just seen Ned Zelic munching on a large breakfast in the Walkabout down the bush, emotional return on the cards?" And our man Charlie says.... Just seen Phil Brown sharing a Ginsters pastie with Steve Bruce on the M1. Over heard conversation "Bullard", "knee" and "I said red sauce you fat bastard". 13.13 1-1 in the EDS game now. We've got @NeilDejyothin on that one. 13.07 Super Tommy Hitchcock puts QPR EDS 1-0 up against Brighton. 13.04 Really lovely of Gareth Bale to Tweet a fond farewell to his former teams in the UK... and thanks to @thomgibbs for pointing us in the direction of the first response Bale got to that Tweet....
Headlines on the hour: Something about Bale, something about Ozil, something about Liverpool. Sky will "keep us across" all the twists and turns, whatever in God's name that means. 13.00 Ok, so we've got through the first hour painlessly. Full run down of headlines will follow this First4Lawyers endorsement of ambulance chasing... 12.57 First sighting of a chav gathering, it's at Liverpool. "Have the school holidays not finished?" asks Jim White's warm up act back in the studio. "Does it matter?" responds the vacant looking model alongside him. Not in Liverpool love. 12.53 I'm sorry, Koehler is my new favourite. Of Stoke's new signing, 24 year old Austrian international Marko Arnautovic, he says: "He is a problem child. You will find him out at four in the morning crashing cars. You will have get a lot of nice stories from him." 12.48 Sky Deutschland's Jim White equivalent Uli Koehler is on now, talking about a "wild story" with Ozil going to Arsenal. "The deadline for everybody to show up was 13.00 and the only one who didn't show up was Ozil. The reason was easy because half a mile away from here he was doing the medical check for Arsenal. I'm sure the doctor from Arsenal will have been here too, I don't know but I am imagining that. Ozil said 'Please excuse me I cannot show up on time I have something to do,' and we know what he had to do. Ozil must show up at the Allianz Arena to film a television commercial at 14.00. Arsenal, football player, man, good, skillful, very expensive." 12.40 After the break, could Everton be about to lose Victor Anichebe? Fuck me stay tuned for that. 12.38 "It was understood that Manchester United had been linked with Mesut Ozil but Sky Sources suggest that might not now be happening." Strong link into a short video clip of a large Mercedes racing into a gated complex. "It might possibly by Marouane Fellaini arriving at the training ground," says a reporter on the ground. News.
12.34 Confirmation on that Ronaldo release clause from earlier via Grant Doughty.... 12.26 "I want to try a few words in Spanish," says Gareth Bale, before accidentally making a comment about killing the infidels. The Madrid fans cheer, and clap, and chant his name, and, in the case of one well-prepared supporter, hold up a small picture of a monkey on a mobile phone.
12.14 Still discussing Bale. God I hope they're greasing Phil Brown up back stage or we're going to have to make our own entertainment today. 12.11 Meanwhile, over at Stoke...
12.09 Sky Sports understands that Cristiano Ronaldo has a release clause of "a thousand million pounds". Chelsea said to be interested. 12.03 Clearly, hopes that the Gareth Bale signing being completed yesterday would mean we can hear about some other things today were wide of the mark. Here he is in a car, here he is going into the hospital, here he is coming out of the hospital, here he is in the car again, here they are putting the stage up, here they are taking the stage down again, here they are putting the stage up again... Somebody, somewhere cares about this. 12.00 Here we go then, television on and we're greeted with the sight of Gareth Bale flat on his back with electrodes attached to his chest presumably trying to work out why his nipples are that big. Notes Just over a year ago, the team behind LoftforWords held a prolonged discussion around the brass tables in the Crown and Sceptre about Natalie Sawyer’s chest. The conclusion we drew was that even that/they wasn’t/weren’t enough to save transfer deadline day from being a disgraceful, festering bunion on the side of the modern sport — ridiculously over hyped by Sky Sports News for the purposes of furthering profits at Sky Bet. We could have left it there, but when you spend 13 hours in the Crown and Sceptre on a Saturday that’s a fair amount of time to kill, and the DJ doesn’t start until 22.00, so the conversation developed further and before anybody could say “but, shouldn’t you be at work” we had decided to do the First Annual LFW Deadline Day Sort of Live Spectacular. The good news was 140,000 page impressions which enabled the LFW team to resign from their jobs and sleep on a pile of money surrounded by many beautiful ladies. The bad news was the Fans Network lawyer who described the result as “the most litigious thing I’ve ever read in 21 years in the job.” Well that only served as encouragement, so we’re back. Updates will appear north of this, keep hitting refresh and updates will appear between drinks and portions of pulled pork. Tweet @loftforwords, @alansimps1984, @neildejyothin, @andy_hillman, @charminglass #LFWDeadline Pictures — Action Images where not credited Photo: Action Images Please report offensive, libellous or inappropriate posts by using the links provided.
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Eamonn and James Clarke, via TSBible
Daily Telegraph
(Paddy Power)
(WhoAteAllThePies.tv)
