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My 10 year old nephew came downstairs this morning and asked: "Unc, what is love juice?" Nearly choked on my coffee and explained what happens between a man and a woman. He looked horrified and ran off shouting, " I'll never watch tennis again!"
This artisan food nonsense is getting out of hand, Panda sausages? really? I was in a butcher shop in Bethnal Green yesterday and a woman comes in and says to the butcher "Panda sausages please". Unbelievable.
[Post edited 14 May 2023 10:29]
The grass is always greener.
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Corny Joke Warning on 10:01 - May 14 with 5946 views
San Francisco is undergoing record temperatures. A tram conductor is sweating like a tap & really irate. This old dear gets on with a ten dollar bill but is only travelling a short distance. So he says, have you not got anything smaller? No was the reply. This happened on several occasions during the day until he lost his temper & lashed out. Hitting a pensioner who fell back, banged her head & died. So he was arrested & eventually given the death penalty & sent to the electric chair. Anyway he was strapped in & they threw the switch, but nothing happened. Totally confused they turned it off then tried again, nothing. So they explained to him, as the rules stand if it doesn’t work after three tries then you are free to go. Anyway they tried again but nothing, so he was unstrapped & let go. As he was walking out of the door the staff asked, what do you think the problem was with this chair. With a wry smile he just said, guess I was a bad conductor!!
The grass is always greener.
0
Corny Joke Warning on 13:15 - May 17 with 5689 views
A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London .
"I vish to buy sex viz you."
"Okay," says the girl, "I charge £50 an hour."
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky for an extra £10."
Helmut agrees.
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant zat you tie zese springs to each of your hans und knees."
The girl finds this odd, but complies, fastening the springs as requested.
"Now you vill get down on your hans und knees."
This she duly does, balancing precariously on the springs.
"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."
She thinks this even odder, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying).
But the sex is fantastic: honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it's several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing! What do you call that position?"
"Zat," replies the German, "is ze Four-sprung Duck Technique"
7
Corny Joke Warning on 17:04 - May 18 with 5415 views
Reminds me of the German fella who saved my dogs life once
I was walking her down the canal one day and, being a Labrador, she jumped in after some ducks. Unfortunately the canal had steep banks and she couldn’t get out; after what seemed an age she started struggling and going under. I was panicking big time as I cannot swim.
All of a sudden this fella appears and in a strong German accent he booms “You vill stand aside and I vill save Zee dog” What a hero - - in he jumped and true enough pulled my dog out just as she was going to drown.
On the canal bank he proceeded to give the dog chest compressions, cleared her airways and got her breathing again and she was fine in no time.
He then said to me as he stood there sodden through “Take ziss dog home, vrap it in Zee towels, administer two shots of zee brandy and vun cup of milk - dog vill be fine”
“That’s amazing” says I, “are you a vet?”
He shot me a look that could kill and shouted “Vet?……VET?!?!…. I’m fcuking soaking look at me!!!!”
I’ll get me coat…..
Cherish and enjoy life.... this ain't no dress rehearsal
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Corny Joke Warning on 14:18 - May 24 with 4900 views
I just phoned my doctor to explain whilst watching the trophy presentation at this years Championship Playoffs at Wembley, I became bloated, developed a headache and suffered stomach cramps.
He just said I was Luton Intolerant.
favourite cheese mature Cheddar. FFS there is no such thing as the EPL
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