Choose the form of the destructor — Report

QPR conceded their eighth and ninth goals to a former player this season as Jordan Hugill ran amok in the latest shambolic 3-1 defeat for our beleaguered team, this time at fellow strugglers Rotherham.

Sub-creatures! Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Volguus Zildrohar, the traveller has come. Choose and perish.

Stantz: [sighs, resigned] It's the Lean-Back Hugill Monster.

And so we come to that exciting part of the week where I have to sit here and explain and describe how Queens Park Rangers have lost again. It’s now five defeats in a row, six losses from the last seven, no wins in 13 games, one win in 20 matches, and 26 defeats in the last 48 fixtures going back into last season. Rangers have taken nine of the last 57 points available to them and crashed from top of the league on October 22 to fifth from bottom in the first weekend of March — now only eight points and Cardiff City separate us from the final relegation spot, currently occupied by Blackpool, who we travel to play away next Tuesday night with a record of one win from our last 12 away games and none in our last seven.

I sit here and have to find new and exciting ways to describe the horror unfolding before us, and I’m reaching for metaphors and analogies from film and comedy and airline disasters because it’s all becoming so terribly repetitive and predictable. Jordan Hugill, who played for QPR in the 2019/20 season, is the sixth former player to score a goal against us this season after Jack Clarke (two), Jeff Hendrick (two, still cannot believe that), Josh Bowler, Luke Freeman and Nahki Wells (one apiece). Burnley have conceded 28 goals across the entire season, we’ve conceded nine just to people who used to play for us. Hugill absolutely crawled all over Rangers’ centre backs all afternoon: he was rough, he was tough, he was unfortunate not to score a hat trick, he was lucky not to be sent off in the first half, he ran through a shithousing masterclass, he beat us up and, yes, of course, like so many prior to him, he was, stop me if you’ve heard this one before, everything that we were not, everything we need at the moment but can’t find, everything we once had but have now lost. Up front for QPR, Jamal Lowe did little more than punch his timecard and watch the clock, and Chris Martin spent the day trying to back in and manoeuvre a pair of experienced centre backs around under long balls with little to no success at all.

I try and articulate what the particular problem was this week, beyond the more general issue of this lot being a lethal combination of not very good and not that bothered about it. Gareth Ainsworth, not only because this is how he is but also perhaps because he saw what happened when Neil Critchley called the poor little lambs out for their lousy mentality, is clearly going to double down and down again on his "the lads have given me everything” schtick. I get why he’s doing that, but I’m probably going to give the interviews a swerve for a while because I adore Gareth, I’m delighted he’s here, it’s going to break my heart if it doesn’t work for him, but that is simply not true and it’s going to annoy me to have to keep listening to it.

By way of mitigation for the latest failure — a fourth consecutive game in which we’ve conceded three goals, the eighth time this season, leaving us nursing the worse defensive record in the league bar Wigan and Reading — Ainsworth, rightly, pointed to a whopping injury list that now accounts for almost a whole team. A team substantially better than the one we were able to field on Saturday as well: Ethan Laird, Leon Balogun (signed from Rangers on a free, you remember, got a "calf problem” in November), Jake Glass-Salter, Kenneth Paal, missing child Luke Amos, Ilias Chair, the artist formerly known as Chris Willock, Lyndon Dykes, people's champion Tyler Roberts... I’d suggest that’s at least half of the wage bill that caused so much consternation in this week’s accounts sitting in the stand. How many of them are genuinely injured is now a source of some conjecture — we’re approaching the month anniversary of Neil Critchley saying Roberts "didn’t feel he was quite right for Saturday but hopefully next week”, for example, and I’m starting to feel that if we do drop into League One for next season we should bite the bullet, pay the money, take up the £4.5m option on him regardless and take him with us, just to see his fucking face, because you cannot put a price on comedy. Regardless though, from the manager’s point of view, and his team selection, any boss in the league would struggle missing that many first team players, that much of your wage bill, all at the same time. His post match comment that "the cavalry is coming” is a concern, because few on that list have shown anything of late to suggest they’re going to make this situation a lot better, or even try to do so, but unfortunately our survival does probably depend on how many of those come back and how arsed they are if/when they get here.

Without them Ainsworth could only field a patched-up rabble, somewhere between his favoured 4-3-3 and two up top with a diamond behind. It was tricky to tell, really, because hands up I didn’t actually realise one of them, Tim Iroegbunam, was playing at all until the forty ninth minute when his refusal to chase and close down one long ball, followed by a complete white flag abdication from the tackle immediately following it, set up a Rotherham counter from which we only escaped because Sam Field chopped a geezer down and was booked. I guess at least he is still turning up to play, which is something relative to the rest of the summer induction — a midweek team bonding activity and pleas for "buy in” from the new boss moving the needle only as far as Kenneth Paal now being out injured too. The Aston Villa loanee played, ostensibly, a little in front of Johansen and Field, with Albert Adomah nominally named alongside Lowe and Martin, and a back four of Kakay, Dickie, Dunne and full league debutant Aaron Drewe — he's got a long throw, as it turns out, so that mystery didn’t even last as long as a standard episode of Scooby Doo. This is the worst QPR starting XI we’ve put out since returning to this level in 2015.

The problem, primarily, was the defence. Kakay, for all his barrelling forwards, is currently basing his defensive positioning on the Big Ladybird Book of French Military Strategy he got for Christmas, and that was exacerbated here by him having to play left back to at least give Drewe a sporting chance of success on his favoured side in his first ever Championship game. Bar Hugill, Rotherham’s best players were Ogbene and Tariqe Fosu, their direct opponents on either side. It was a carve up waiting to happen, and lunch was served promptly at 15.00.

Drewe is going to be a hard one to mark because I thought he got a bit of a going over, held his own as best he could, but really from our B Team and Oxford City it's a massive step up and it showed. You couldn’t fault him for effort, and his early launch into a towering header in midfield over bigger men drew applause and a fist salute from his manager on the sideline. And there are loads of caveats to any criticism too - the back four doesn't suit us or him, the centre back next to him is playing like a complete fucking idiot, zero protection provided from the supposedly most experienced player in the side "Mr QPR” in front of him, Rotherham's two best players are their wingers etc etc. I felt for him, he gave it his all, and he was better than Kakay on the other side. A real tough assignment for the boy — which is what he is, by the way, absolutely tiny.

One long ball is all it takes. The possibilities. Just after the quarter hour, Fosu's arced ball over the top and in behind Kakay, hopelessly positioned, got Ogbene away. He journeyed to the byline and cut the ball back, Rob Dickie ran past the only Rotherham player in the area and fell on his bum, and Hugill had his first goal from seven or eight yards out, completely unmarked. Hugill was yet to score for Rotherham in six appearances so far and had, in fact, only scored one goal in 16 appearances this season (five yellow cards) and none in 13 games since netting in Norwich’s 2-2 League Cup draw with Bournemouth in August. Since leaving QPR at the end of the 2019/20 season he has scored just 11 goals in 89 appearances for Norwich, West Brom and Rotherham. Him scoring here was so, so inevitable that the collective bank balance of the 1,100 souls on board behind the goal had an immediate uptick — 8/1 for the first goal, really little other than a licence to print money. Half the away end was on it.

He could easily have been sent off just after the half hour, for cracking Jimmy Dunne in the mush with an elbow. I thought referee Darren Bond got it just about right at the time with a yellow, and haven’t seen it back since, but when I do I, as the referee should have been, will be looking at the hand — a spread palm tends to mean it’s accidental and referees therefore lean towards yellow, a clenched fist suggests malice and usually draws a red. Not my words Carol, the words of Pierluigi Collina.

Still, at least Dunne was up for a bit of a battle with him. Whenever Hugill pulled onto Dickie it was like watching a lion try to fuck a sheep. The lead was doubled on 70 minutes when Dickie got himself in all kinds of strife trying to mark Hugill under a cross from the right, hauled him over for a blatant penalty, and then could only stand and watch as the striker converted the kick himself. The third, as at Middlesbrough in the last away game, made it 3-1 after QPR had sent Jimmy Dunne up front to try and rescue a point from a 2-1 deficit. Dickie has had to mind the shop in these circumstances for the best part of four minutes across two away games and conceded two goals in the process. This time he actually started the move in possession, trying to play a relatively simple ball down the line but instead smacking it straight into home sub Georgie Kelly who was then able to run into the box to receive a ball from fellow new arrival Conor Washington and get a shot away that was blocked to Odoffin who slid home.

Dickie has cratered more than most in this QPR team, from a point at the start of last season where was the form centre back in the division and seemingly just a yard of pace off stepping up another level still, to now where he looks like a bloke who’s spent a month in the boot of a car at the airport. He was shocking here, well at fault for all three goals. Ainsworth desperately needs one of either Balogun or Clarke-Salter to put their hand up to play without straining a bicep, and the decision to loan Conor Masterson out to Gillingham looks absolutely wild at this point.

There could have been further damage. Odoffin was able to trundle into the box unmarked, unchallenged and onside for a near post shot blocked by Dieng — noticeable that while Dickie is diving about all over the place trying and failing to head the rebound clear, Dunne is playing everybody onside, and Kakay is nowhere to be seen, it’s Aaron Drewe dishing out the bollockings during the inquest. On 42 minutes, from our own throw in (again, do stop me if any of this sounds familiar), Sam Field tried to head the ball back to Kakay, he came too close, too far forward, and the ball dropped in behind him, and suddenly the home side were away through Hugill again. He did a good switch across the field , Ferguson advanced into the area and shot, Dieng saved well in the top corner. Moments later Fosu’s dipping cross bounced right in front of Dieng, inches away from the outstretched boot of Odoffin who’d anticipated it more than any other opponent and thrown himself in on the off chance. Early in the second half Dieng went chasing after his own failed attempt to catch a corner and appeared to barge a man over in the box in the process — perhaps the theatrical nature of the fall saved the keeper from catching Darren Bond’s eye. Hugill at the back post, really should have sealed his personal treble late on.

By way of response, all you could really say is QPR did at least manage three shots on target, after only managing two in nine of their last 11 outings.

Stefan Johansen’s was probably the pick of those: a back post volley from an Adomah cross that he could have done with keeping lower but would nevertheless have expected to score against most goalkeepers at this level. Viktor Johansson - same name, different Scandi allegiances - is not most goalkeepers at this level and saved spectacularly under his cross bar. For all the talk of where Ogbene will be playing his football next season, I’d be amazed if there aren’t clubs tracking this keeper — outstanding every time I see him.

Taylor Richards ambled on for the last 20 minutes or so and did make a difference. For the first time really Rangers were able to get the ball down and play, and try a few passes to unlock the home defence rather than brute force. One such crossfield pass got another sub, Sinclair Armstrong, in down the left and the tackle on him as he reached the byline by Wes Harding was stupid, needless, dangerous, a very thick yellow card, and an obvious penalty. Jamal Lowe, a foot or so wide with an earlier sighter from 20 yards, converted well to set up a potential big finish but, as at Middlesbrough when the same thing happened, it ultimately succeeded only in keeping the away fans captive a little longer, this time just enough to miss the tram back into town, and experience disappointment afresh all over again. As at the Riverside there was a chance to salvage a miraculous draw. Then it was Chris Martin having a goalbound volley blocked on the line, here it was Jimmy Dunne, who’d curled Rangers’ best chance of the half wide of the far post from the corner of the six yard box 20 minutes prior, striding onto a Kakay cross and sidefooting over when he really had to score. Three one followed soon after, as it had in the North East the previous fortnight. Sinclair Armstrong's late consolation was ruled out for offside.

So, if you want to avoid or dispute all this talk of effort, players not caring, players not trying, players not really being injured, plenty for you to go on here. When you’re missing that many first teaners, when this is the 11 you’re fielding, when those are your options from the bench, when you’re fielding a defence as secure as a hymen at Wayne Lineker’s sixtieth birthday party, when you’ve got those full backs against Ogbene and Fosu, you’re going to struggle. It’s a fact of life. Trying a bit harder, running a bit faster… you could say it’s for the birds really, on this occasion. Rotherham had a better team out than us, won comfortably, and deserved it. It’s not that deep.

Still, though, some strange stuff going on. Adomah’s yellow card came after he went chasing his own first touch, which he attempted to execute in their half and ended up back in ours. He honestly looks like he should be playing Masters football at this point, and he wouldn’t even be our best player in that side - this has been the case since this time last year and yet he not only got a new contract, but two years of a new contract. Pray for the Charlie Austin-style break clause in that one. Still, that was nothing on Richards. He did indeed make a positive impact with the ball at his feet, but his behaviour without it was, just, frankly, weird. At one point Rotherham’s impressive Leeds loanee Hjelde had the ball in the left back slot, with an option for a pass down the line, and Richards about ten feet away, within range to close down and tackle, force Hjelde back and inside to his goalkeeper, or cut the passing lane off to the line option. In the middle of play, with the game going on a couple of yards away from him, and his direct opponent in possession, he stopped, bent down, and started to tie his shoelaces. You had to laugh, and many in our bit of the away end did just that. I said last week this QPR team is now doing things I’ve only read about in books, and this really was one worth a chapter all on its own. Doth one recall the tale of Stephane Mbia’s gloves, and how that season ended?

The river of slime continues to rise. It would take a tremendous amount of positive energy to crack that shell and I seriously doubt there's enough goodwill left in this town to do it.

Links >>> Ratings and Reports >>> Message Board Match Thread

Rotherham: Johansson 7; Harding 5, Wright 6, Humphrys 6, Hjelde 7; Coventry 6, Odoffin 7, Fosu 8 (Washington 89, -); Ogbene 8 (Kioso 90+5, -), Hugill 8 (Kelly 89, -), Ferguson 6 (Lindsay 75, 6)

Subs not used: Bramall, Eaves, Vickers

Goals: Hugill 15 (assisted Ogbene), 70 (penalty, won Hugill), Odoffin 90 (assisted Kelly)

Bookings: Harding 82 (foul)

QPR: Dieng 5; Kakay 2, Dickie 1, Dunne 3, Drewe 5; Iroegbunam 3 (Richards 64, 6), Johansen 5, Field 5; Adomah 4 (Armstrong 65, 6), Martin 4, Lowe 4

Subs not used: Archer, Dozzell, Dickson-Bonner, Aurora Borealis

Goals: Lowe 83 (penalty, won Armstrong)

Bookings: Adomah 42 (attempting to retrieve his own first touch from the canal), Field 49 (foul), Dickie 69 (foul)

QPR Star Man — Akos Buszaky

Referee — Darren Bond (Lancashire) 6 All three penalty decisions in the game correct. The Hugill red card, like I say I saw once at the time and thought it was a yellow card, haven’t managed to catch a replay yet to look at whether it’s an open palm of a clenched fist but he doesn’t get a replay. I did think he got rather too sucked into some of the gamesmanship going on in that ten minute period, Hugill twice collapsing to the ground with a "head injury” to get the game halted only to then leap up and berate the official once he had stopped the play was worthy of more action than simply giving QPR a drop ball with Rotherham now all back behind the ball and ready to face us. Overall not too bad.

Attendance 10,563 (1,115 away) I’d rushed to make the tram so missed the apparently unsavoury scenes at full time between some of the travelling fans and Taylor Richards. I’m not advocating such abuse, it’s counter productive at the end of the day however frustrated we are, but there are also people still clapping this team off at the end of the game. One win in 20 games, worse run since 1998 under Ray Harford, three goals conceded in four consecutive games for the first time since 1959, what are you applauding? I’m genuinely interested.

If you enjoy LoftforWords, please consider supporting the site through a subscription to our Patreon or tip us via our PayPal account loftforwords@yahoo.co.uk.

Pictures — Ian Randall Photography

The Twitter @loftforwords

What to read next: