| What sort of manager would you be? 11:58 - Nov 9 with 10583 views | Konk |
After putting it off for years and making excuses, I have finally decided to become a football manager/head coach. With interviews in mind, I’ve been giving a bit of thought to what sort of manager I want to be, what sort of football I want my team to play, and how I can raise my profile within the game, even if things are going sh it on the pitch.
Managing style: Good natured, but don’t take the pi ss, because I will fight you, fine you, and fuc k you. You can call me ‘Konk’, and you can talk to me about anything - including problems with your privates - but the players need to listen and follow instructions. No players on social media, no sex videos, no Chelsea fans on the books (and I will find out if they are), no players going on holiday to anywhere full of divs, and no-one driving a silly car until they’ve won 80 international caps. Black boots — everyone wears black boots until they’ve won 80 caps. Other than that, crack-on.
Playing philosophy: Pace, pace, width and pace. Realistically, there’s a good chance I’ll be starting out with a team outside the Premier League, so I can’t go as technical as I’d like, initially. I’m gonna give youth a chance and sign some experienced older heads to play CB and CM. I’ll have two speed merchants up front, and 9st, 18 year old wizards on either wing. John Burridge in goal. Seven of the team will have been born at the local hospital and grown-up supporting the club. They get the club. The fans love it.
Pre-match talks: Play the Al Pacino bit from ‘Any given Sunday’ before every game even if it’s Morecombe at home in the League cup. ‘Gladiator’ at half-time along with Survivor's ‘Eye of the Tiger’ video, and CCTV footage of people scrapping in kebab shops and pub car parks etc to get everyone fired-up before derbies.
Before cup finals, get John Burridge to read out the whole of Shakespeare's Henry V in the changing room, and some local sea cadets to semaphore "[Insert name of club here] expects that every man will do his duty". Have a piper lead us out of the changing room and out into the tunnel.
Music on the coach: My music. Unless we win by four goals, in which case everyone gets to take it in turns to choose a song. Fish and chips and beer on the way back from away games. No headphones or looking at phones.
Christmas do: Local cricket club, buffet, I’ll stick £500 behind the bar, invite public sector workers, stevedores, miners and steeple-jacks to mingle with the players and coaching staff. We're part of the community. No fancy Dans and no fancy dress.
Affirmative messages stuck on walls everywhere:
Play to win. Win to play.
Outplayed, but never outfought.
Goals. Goals. Goals.
Clatter. Smash. Destroy.
It’s a sin, if you don’t whip it in.
Novelty seating: Graham Taylor with the soft-top dugouts at Watford. Marcelo Bielsa with his blue bucket. I’m drawn to either a rocking horse or a rocking chair. Probably go with the rocking horse.
Clothing: Brian Clough had his iconic green sweatshirt; I’m going with a balaclava. Whatever the weather, I’ll wear it on matchdays, at training, and in press conferences. All the fu cking time. I’ll be the Banksy of football, and the whole football world will speculate endlessly as to my real identity.
Tony Pullis had his baseball cap, and I’m going with a cowboy hat, but rather than having a sheriff’s badge on the front, it will have the club crest. Nice touch. I’m not going to wear training gear unless I’m at the training ground, and I’m not going to wear a suit unless it’s leading the team out at Wembley. I’m thinking smart and understated, so Smedley knitwear, Norse Project chino-y-things, white trainers and if it’s cold, I’ll wear my big NP winter coat and a vest.
Hair: Joe Bryan’s barnet. Obvs. Not that anyone will see it under the balaclava and cowboy hat.
PR/Relatability: When I’m appointed, I will talk about the working class, hard-working fanbase full of grafters, who live for their club in a way that no other fan base do. I will say this whether it’s Sunderland or St. Albans City. I will travel to games on public transport, on foot or by bike. No easing my way through the traffic in a £100k car for me. Partly because I can’t drive, but partly because I’m just an ordinary down-to-earth bloke. This will strike a man-of-the-people note. I will visit every school, hospital, pub, factory and community centre within twenty miles of the club to energise the fan base and tell them about my philosophy (pace, pace, width, and pace).
If any kid knocks on my door for an autograph, I will invite them in, give them some crisps and pop, and kick a ball about with them in the garden until it gets dark. I’ll then walk them home, and as we walk, I’ll hammer home the importance of working hard at school, respecting your parents and engaging in community work. Ten years later, they'll be making their debut for the first team, and this story will be all over the national media.
Tone in well-deserved victory: Magnanimous, humble, grateful; full credit to the players. The opposition were great too, a good side, and if the officials have a good game, I will give them credit as well; it’s a near impossible job.
Tone after flukey victory: We got lucky today. Opposition will be feeling hard done by. We need to improve.
Tone in narrow defeat: Magnanimous, gutted, honest, fans can be proud of the team.
Tone in heavy defeat: Magnanimous, gutted, take personal responsibility, one or two players could have done better (never name them) determined to improve, apologise to the fans.
Legacy: Hopefully a few promotions, championships, European nights, Wembley appearances, silverware, a redeveloped, sold-out stadium, new training ground, kids wearing balaclavas and cowboy hats as they kick about in the park - parents watching on in balaclavas and cowboy hats. A ring road named after me, a stand named after me, and kids named after me. Four Balloon D'or winners coming through the clubs academy. Maybe a statue in the local shopping centre too. I think that would be a job well done - I just want to get started now.
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| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
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| What sort of manager would you be? on 11:50 - Nov 12 with 1494 views | hantssi |
| What sort of manager would you be? on 08:31 - Nov 12 by Phildo |
Is kit man still available? I favour 60 degree hotwash non bio but if you want me to go 40 degree synthetic I will.
Please don't hold the past against me it was only the once I put itching powder in Mason Mounts thong and he thinks it was quite funny now. |
Phildo, make sure you don’t wash the white shorts in with the red shirts, there’s many a time I’ve played in red and pink!! |  | | |
| What sort of manager would you be? on 11:55 - Nov 12 with 1492 views | Mick_S |
| What sort of manager would you be? on 11:45 - Nov 12 by Konk |
You see what I mean about the chimney stack, then, Mick? It just looks a bit extra to me.
I take your point re the Brentford lads, Mick, but I'm concerned that they might be a bit too purist. Sometimes, you've just got to belt the fuc ker up the pitch and get after it. Not sure how that would go down with fellas who've come up through the Brentford school of Technical excellence, adhering to the tiki-taka laws of footballing purity. Especially if we're in the lower leagues, where some of our tactics might make them literally vomit. |
Point taken - hantssi has a bucket, but it might be a bit much. Just think how they would improve us, though. Maybe that Peter Gillingham could be the announcer? Just thinking out loud! [Post edited 12 Nov 2020 12:45]
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| Did I ever mention that I was in Minder? |
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| What sort of manager would you be? on 12:11 - Nov 12 with 1483 views | Phildo |
| What sort of manager would you be? on 11:50 - Nov 12 by hantssi |
Phildo, make sure you don’t wash the white shorts in with the red shirts, there’s many a time I’ve played in red and pink!! |
No danger. Whenever I am close to mixing whites with colours my wife appears at my shoulder and calls me a cnt. Its remarkable its like there is a second one of her who is a washing machine genie.
Also Konk is getting me two machines and I already have a permanent marker so I am going to write 'whites' on one and 'Greg Clarke' on the other. |  | | |
| What sort of manager would you be? on 12:33 - Nov 12 with 1463 views | bosh67 |
I personally see myself as a manager that no one really knows about but that gets a tune out of team through a decision the owners take that the fans don't understand. Who surprises those fans by winning the first 8 or 9 games in a row, playing attacking free flowing football and scoring loads of goals.
The kind of manager who then is on the end of a loss but fans don't worry too much about because I'm upbeat saying we will win a lot more than we lose. The kind of manager who then grinds out a win followed by 2-3 unexpected defeats where the fans start to question me and my skills.
The kind of manager that then rallies the troops and everyone loves and trusts again but then who gradually loses the dressing room because of my lack of experience and fans start to turn on.
The kind of manager that on the brink of getting the sack pulls out a spectacular 4-0 win which confuses the fans but doesn't change the minds of the owners who fire me anyway, despite being in the top half of the league in favour of a more experienced manager.
The kind of manager who fans then meet in a bar, cafe or restaurant, have a bit of banter with and then ask for a photo with before moving on and muttering to each other what a tosser I was as a manager but how nice a bloke I am in reality. If only I could manage.
That would be the kind of manager I would be. [Post edited 12 Nov 2020 12:34]
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| What sort of manager would you be? on 13:33 - Nov 12 with 1411 views | rsonist |
Dinosaurs the lot of you. Me, I let my custom designed absurdist motivational posters do the talking.
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| What sort of manager would you be? on 13:35 - Nov 12 with 1408 views | Northernr |
| What sort of manager would you be? on 13:33 - Nov 12 by rsonist |
Dinosaurs the lot of you. Me, I let my custom designed absurdist motivational posters do the talking.
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I remember watching a Conference game on BT at Barnet one night and they interviewed Martin Allen in his office. He had one poster like that on the wall behind him and it simply said "lollypop or Jelly Babies?" |  | | |
| What sort of manager would you be? on 14:04 - Nov 12 with 1371 views | Konk |
| What sort of manager would you be? on 12:11 - Nov 12 by Phildo |
No danger. Whenever I am close to mixing whites with colours my wife appears at my shoulder and calls me a cnt. Its remarkable its like there is a second one of her who is a washing machine genie.
Also Konk is getting me two machines and I already have a permanent marker so I am going to write 'whites' on one and 'Greg Clarke' on the other. |
I accidentally put a brand new duster in with our brand new, white, best-guest bedlinen, which now can't be used because the duster got caught in the duvet cover, yellow dye bled out of the duster, and the bottom left hand corner of the duvet now looks like it's covered in a massive pis s stain. Gutted.
Bosh67 - Don't be too hard on yourself, mate. Sounds to me like if that actually happened, then you did okay, and I'm sure you learnt a lot along the way. And if it's any consolation, mate, most of us get the sack eventually. Keep your chin-up, and if I hear about any openings on the grapevine, I'll let you know. Be a shame for the game to lose someone with your potential. PS. If I can get it signed-off by the board, we might have a Set-pieces coaching role going? Tide you over until something else comes along. | |
| Fulham FC: It's the taking part that counts |
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| What sort of manager would you be? on 14:35 - Nov 12 with 1355 views | qprxtc |
I’d be f ucking brilliant.
First thing I’d do is get a good coach who knows about football and the a great assistant who can give the bollockings and a good physio who can deal with the gore.
I’d watch the game from my office (blue and white bar) and then go and talk bollocks to the tv people for ten minutes.
Then go and shag the assistants Mrs and bugger off to the pub. |  | | |
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| What sort of manager would you be? on 15:18 - Nov 12 with 1331 views | hantssi |
| What sort of manager would you be? on 12:11 - Nov 12 by Phildo |
No danger. Whenever I am close to mixing whites with colours my wife appears at my shoulder and calls me a cnt. Its remarkable its like there is a second one of her who is a washing machine genie.
Also Konk is getting me two machines and I already have a permanent marker so I am going to write 'whites' on one and 'Greg Clarke' on the other. |
Phildo, I’ve got one of those as well!
She goes NUTS if I buy anything with a colour and white together I the same garment!! | | | |
| What sort of manager would you be? on 15:37 - Nov 12 with 1311 views | BazzaInTheLoft |
| What sort of manager would you be? on 14:35 - Nov 12 by qprxtc |
I’d be f ucking brilliant.
First thing I’d do is get a good coach who knows about football and the a great assistant who can give the bollockings and a good physio who can deal with the gore.
I’d watch the game from my office (blue and white bar) and then go and talk bollocks to the tv people for ten minutes.
Then go and shag the assistants Mrs and bugger off to the pub. |
Are you Malky Mackay? |  | | |
| What sort of manager would you be? on 17:36 - Nov 12 with 1262 views | dannyblue |
How would you be on a sesh as a manager?
This is fantastic. Nuno or Carlo for me, but Potter a bit more realistic sadly.
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| What sort of manager would you be? on 20:11 - Nov 12 with 1225 views | R_from_afar |
| What sort of manager would you be? on 09:28 - Nov 11 by Konk |
I think we're thinking along similar lines here, mate. If it doesn't work out with Brian and his broken I-pad, and Mick's still playing hard to get, then you are very much in my thinking when it comes to backroom staff. If you then want to go your own way after a successful time working alongside me, then I won't stand in your way and you'll go with my blessing, because I have no doubt whatsoever that you have what it takes to manage at the top.
On the keeper front, happy to go with your choice if John Burridge doesn't happen. Essentially, with a keeper, I want (a) experience, (b) endless bellowing and (c) someone who can do handstands walking around his six yard box in the warm-up; hence John Burridge. If your man can do all that, then let's get him in and have a look.
PS. My only concern with the owl, is will it only come out for night games? Saturday lunchtime kick-offs in August? If your owl is only available for 20% of your games, then is it really the answer? What about a macaw or a raven? |
I am honoured to be part of your set-up, Konk.
My description of the 'keeper is actually based on a cricketer I once played against. My team contained a lot of feisty, tough but hilarious types (myself excluded, I was and still am far too square to be described thus), lads who, in the cricket club bar on a Saturday night, would pick an alcoholic drink - say, barley wine - and deliberately guzzle the entire stock in one sitting, then sleep in the bar overnight and be on site ready for the Sunday game in the morning.
They idolised this bloke. He was tall and athletic, grizzled and like a rugged George Clooney, but a very talented and committed player even though he must have been close to 50. A real shark too. Many of the lads in my team were half his age but they listened in reverence when he spoke. He's the blueprint for my goalie.
Fair point re the owl, I'll pick a small, diurnal one, a little owl most likely.
Exciting times!  |  |
| "Things had started becoming increasingly desperate at Loftus Road but QPR have been handed a massive lifeline and the place has absolutely erupted. it's carnage. It's bedlam. It's 1-1." |
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| What sort of manager would you be? on 22:02 - Nov 12 with 1184 views | joolsyp |
| What sort of manager would you be? on 14:29 - Nov 10 by R_from_afar |
Great thread  . Konk, you could send your initial post to a commissioning editor at the BBC. You should at least get a pilot episode out of it. Lyrical prose!
I would be a pound shop Ainsworth:
- Passion, desire and effort, arms round my players (not all at once), treating them like my sons
- Getting the ball forward quickly, no tika taka possession focused midfield
stuff, no fancy tactics, no interest in possession
- A squad of waifs and strays, colossal centre backs and strikers, seemingly malnourished wingers, a defensive midfielder who got booted out of the SAS for being too nasty, a steel-haired first choice 'keeper with a shout like an air raid siren who played his first league match in '92 and who saved an Alan Shearer penalty in an FA Cup match
- A pet owl on my shoulder which would put one wing over its eyes every time I bawled "Send it! Get it forward now!" |
Tim Cook's just been on the blower. His exact words:
"We're scrapping Ted Lasso. Konk: Football Manager is the breakthrough streaming hit I've been waiting for. I'll even give Brian a working iPad to use." |  | | |
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