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That due to an administrative error Helen Whately had somehow been mistaken for an MP, and unaccountably been promoted to a junior cabinet office whilst on a job experience programme following her dismissal from KFC for gross incompetence.
35 year old Whately, who left St Custards High Romford with one GCSE in bakery, has struggled to find permanent employment since leaving school.
The government have known about this for some months but when questioned by suspicious cabinet ministers Johnson replied with "Aaarh!!, well.... mwhah!!, phwoar!, totty.... bad Boris".
A government source said: "Our position is clear and transparent on this matter, and we don`t know anyone called Helen Whately, but we will be throwing a dead cat on the table as soon as we can, but there is an understandable shortage of them at the moment."
Chief cat procurer, Chris Grayling, is believed to be scouring the Westminster area in his pyjamas ...
— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) June 11, 2020
‘Where there is harmony, may we bring discord. Where there is truth, may we bring error. Where there is faith, may we bring doubt. And where there is hope, may we bring despair’
Bit of an anticlimax. Boris lied within the government's defence statement - said it was 'nonsensical' that he ordered schools to close (as they remained open for keyworkers).
So yeah, technically a lie, but children's human rights don't shift copy when there is the daily drum beat of fatalities to report on.
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